i need to handle this :(

I know I need to talk to VBabout this... its embarrassing that it affects me as much as it does, but the truth of the matter is, it does.

I've been brewing on this and dwelling on it for days now and i know the only way i'm gonna let it go is if i talk to him about it. 

but i've chickened out of talking about it several times now. Every time he asks me if something is wrong I want to say yes, but i just say "i'm just feeling down". 

Its stupid and embarassing and pathetic.... Logically he has no reason to leave me and he's not out looking for some 30-somthing smoking hot chick. He doesn't really go out without me so it's not like i have to worry about one finding him while i'm not there. 

But my brain isn't being logical right now. I'm running on straight lizard brain which says he has no reason to stay if one were to approach him.... which ... he's a great looking guy who gives off mature vibes - why wouldn't he be approached?

I don't have to worry about anyone my age or younger, that's not his type. I'm not his type. What is it that I really have to offer him?

why should he stay?

In the big fight thats what jimmie broke up with me about. He didn't find me sexy anymore.... granted when he got over that and did he kept coming back... which only reinforces my insecurities. 

why it bothers me at the core.

The safety net isn't there.

It makes me feel really insecure. 

The last time I was told that my partner wasn't sexually attracted to me, we broke up like 2-3 weeks later. 

I'm not Biking Boy's type. Without that safety net there, whos to say that someone that is his type won't be able sway him and he could leave me like yesterdays news. 

I'm not secure in my place with him. 

At least it doesn't feel like that. 

thats why i'm so bothered. 

take away sexual attraction in a relationship with an allosexual (person who experiences and needs sexual attraction) then you take away security and the purpose of having a partner. 

and now all my brain is telling me is that my days with him are numbered and i'm going to lose him to some older chick that he actually finds sexy. 

adorable, why it bothers me.

Sexy.

The word alone carries a positive connotation. 

When someone uses the word sexy they use it as a means to communicate that they want whatever it is they are describing. 

"that car is sexy" = "I want that car"

Sexy when applied to people indicates that the described person has elicited a sexual response in another person. Different people find different traits sexy. To some confidence and strength are sexy. To others meekness and dependance are sexy because it makes them feel needed. Adults are sexy. 

To feel sexy is to feel confident and powerful. At least to me. 

It ensures that you won't be alone and ensures that the safety-net of sex is there. 

While i like when others consider me sexy, only one person matters: my partner. 

If my partner finds me sexy then it means they want me around them and they are less likely to leave because they get a positive sexual response, even if its mild in degree, when around me. 

Sexy means safe and wanted and desired. 

Sexy is sought after. 

Adorable is also a word with positive connotations. 

its a more loving way to say something is cute. 

It's used to describe small things often desired in a different way. Adorable things elicit responses of happiness and mirth. A pet is adorable. 

When used to describe people it often is applied in a loving manner to people that ultimately look small or weak. A child is adorable. 

Adorable usually indicates someone or something that needs to be taken care of. 

Both words are positive words. 

One makes me feel strong. One makes me feel small (not in a bad way). 

I want to be taken care of. 

I also want to be desired; (because sex is fun and a good way to pass the time and feel closer to your partner. It's also a power rush, to know you can elicit that kind of primal response in another person). 

Both are good.... but each has their time and place. To only be one or the other takes away the positive effects of the individual being described. 

If all one hears is "sexy" then they don't feel appreciated. 

if all one hears is "adorable" then they don't feel desired. 

and who doesn't want to feel desired or wanted by their partner?

What's the point in dressing up in things that use to make me feel sexy if he doesn't find it sexy? What's the point of putting on makeup in ways that used to make me feel sexy if it doesn't do anything? 

Feeling sexy is where I got my confidence... If I wanted a bit more confidence one day I would wear lingerie under my clothes and it would boost my self esteem confidence... now if anything it does the opposite. It makes me feel like a kid playing dress up. 

I can dress up in things that make me feel pretty but if my partner doesn't think its sexy then I don't feel sexy. I just feel cute because i know i'm cute. 

I know i'm aesthetically attractive. I know that I am beautiful. I thought that I was sexy. 

but i'm just adorable. 

ungrateful

I want to reiterate that i am not ungrateful for the wonderful way that Viking Boy treats me.


I know how good I have it.

He spoils the shit out of me and i appreciate him for it.

I am by no means intending to jeapardize what i have with him over stupid things that i stated on my previous post.


But this is my online jounral and i am allowed to rant.

I love VB and i would go to war over him.
I am loyal and I value any minute that i get to spend with him.
He is a source of comfort and love and i hope i am the same for him.


My head is just fucky. each day is different.

comparisons

let me start out that i am still very much in love with viking boy and altogether happy with him as a whole.

but lately my brain has been making comparisons between him and jimmie.

Things weren't always bad with him and obviously i miss the good parts.

the first being i miss being with someone who finds me sexy. Not only sexy but would tell me almost daily that i am beautiful.  Both words carry a different weight than "adorable".

I miss being beautiful. I miss feeling sexy. Viking boy has pretty much told me that I cannot be sexy in his eyes, but hes okay with that because sexy fades and adorable  does not.

like... that makes me feel bad about my femininity and just is a hit to the self esteem. I thought I was a pretty sexy girl. I'm not going to lie.. it makes me crave validation from other sources.

And I love Viking boy, and I know he tried for me.... but I miss BDSM. Viking boy is vanilla.
It was less about sex and more about power plays and it was a lifestyle for me. I really really fucking miss that. Like i could cry if i think about it too much. It was suh a big part of my life for like.... almost 2 years and it made me so happy and feel so safe.

when it does come to sex... well. Size is not the key to good sex.. its control and technique.

And theres just a bunch of little things that seem to just compact and make me wish for times when i was happier overall.

but i love viking boy and none of this is enough to make me want to leave him.
I just miss things about my past relationship.... its not even Jimmie that i miss, its parts of our relationship.


and i know my bipolar is oplaying a role in this, its just not as big of a role as i say it is.

Living together

So we’ve lived together for a week.

And it’s nothing like I thought.


I actually feel more isolated from him than when we lived in separate houses.
We sleep in separate rooms more often than not and the time we spend together really don’t quality time.... it’s full of distractions and I honestly feel very lonely.

Living apart made us actually value the time we spent together.... I feel like that’s already out the window. We made a point to do things together... go for walks and picnics...

Now that he’s already home he doesn’t want to do that. Just wants to get high and play video games.


I feel more lonely and alone now, than I did when he wasn’t even there.

hero

Ive come to realize that my last 2 paychecks alone cover my rent and car insurance and phone.

like damn. thats two whole paychecks I can't count on, because theyre instantly gone.


now i'm stressing.




and then....

a hero from afar gave me grocery money.


and i'm crying.