distance

so, i've been distant lately.  emotionally that is.  aaaaand Mary has noticed.

its not something i do one purpose, but when i get stressed i get distant, and when i get distant i get isolated and when i get isolated i get depressed.  and unfortunately i've been in that cycle for about a month. its not major depression… but i know the signs and the feeling of it.

i am a very romantic and affectionate person, but because of how i've been lately i haven't gotten as attached to Mary as i usually would have if everything was peechy-keen. I know its really unfair to her, but i honestly have been too out of it to even enter the honey-moon phase. like…at all. its almost like i'm just with a friend...being stressed has kept me cynical (amongst other things) and honestly its not fair to her.

she is so enthusiastic about the relationship - i'm not.
she is trying so hard - i'm not.
she's been romantic and sweet - i'm not.

its not fair to her.

i'm hoping that if we are still together when all this chaos and mayhem blows over, i can rise to the occasion, but as of right now i'm too out of it to be a good girlfriend.

at the moment, because of everything going on, my relationship with Mary…
 is mostly an intellectual one.
its not over romantic in nature on my part.
which isn't fair to her.
at all.

its not just with mary that i have been distant with. its with all my friends. my sister. everyone.
but the thing is? i don't hate it.

when i'm distant from others it helps cut down on the stress i have, because i don't have to pretend to be perfectly fine. i can focus more on the problems at hand (sherlock i can relate!). but i am a social person…. i crave people's touch and comfort and companionship. so when i get distant i feel isolated…. which is not fun AT ALL. and is NOT something i enjoy at all…. it makes me feel alone. which when i'm stressed and then feel alone… i get even more stressed and then when the depression comes i feel i can't talk to anyone which makes my stress level go up even more….

which is why i'm distant and why my relationship with Mary is mostly one sided and unfair to her.

i know it is.
i know it sucks.
i'm sorry, but for right now i can't change that.
right now…

it is what it is.
thats all i can give right now.

i can be a positive force.
i can be nice.
i can play with her siblings.
i can listen to her about her day and her health.
i can cuddle with her.
i can relate to her via spirituality.
i can do spiritual stuff with her (to a pint… i'm not as spiritually gifted as she is)
i can hang out with her…

but thats all i can give right now.
which isn't a lot..


i'm too distracted… and when it comes to a romantic relationship there shouldn't be as many distractions as there are now.