waiting

so i kind of explained to Mary - as gently as i could - what i had meant by my blog post "distance".

i think she understands it a bit more now... but idk what her thinking is. ultimately i told her "i like hanging out with you... but its just like hanging out with another friend. one i can relate to on a spiritual level...but..."


and then i had said if she still wanted me to come over on friday then i would. she does.

but she just kind of dropped our conversation..

so i'm going to - for now - go on a limb as say she wants to continue the realtionship and hope i enter the gooey-lovey honey moon phase. but i'm worried i won't. thts a phase you enter in as soon as the relationship starts. i didn't/ and then i got bitch slapped by all this stress... 

and though i'm leaving the ball in her court... this is really an unfair relationship.

with her being the one who is invested and caring and trying...and granted i could do sweet things like send her good morning and good night texts, and say sweet things to her and i can be romantic... but it really wouldn't be genuine. and i won't do it because it wouldn't be genuine and i don't want to lead her on.

i will try to continue the conversation friday...


but she is having her best friend Caitlyn and her boyfriend are coming over.... is it like a double date or a hang out? i don't know. so i guess it would have to wait until they go.

and then i have to be at work by 1. so meaning we'd have to leave at like.... 12...

get up at like... 9-10

goddess...Thoth...Astarte... guide me.


for now the conversation is about her cats.

wile the previous one is waiting....