New Decade, New Me.

i'm going to start this new decade off right.

This has been a very hard year for me. I've gone through many changes and went through the growing pains. Now We are at the cusp and i'm feeling reflective.

i went from a job that i loved but was toxic to a job that is a little less than stimulating but is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from a relationship that i loved but was toxic to a time of self appreciation and independence, to a new relationship that is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from being confident to self conscious and i'm hoping that soon my self image will once again be healthy and stable.

I went from blaming myself for all the pain i've endured to realizing that i hold on to a lot of trauma, and i'm working through it in a way that is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from unstable ideas bouncing around as to what I wanted to do in life and school... to having a set plan of action and new avenues for career development opening up for when I graduate. (Aaron's grand dad can help me get a job in tourism in Wilmington or i'll either be a hotel event coordinator or a meeting coordinator)

Once cycle of life - one with love but with so much pain and discomfort - is ending and i pray that the new one is full of love, safety, health, and stability.

I've been getting signs that i am going to struggle with my physical health, but, that this year is going to be one that is a respite. The last 2-4 years has been emotional roller coaster after rollercoaster, with small breaths of ease between them. This year will be a start to a new cycle.
i'm starting it with a new day to day but optimistic mentality, a new loving relationship, a new stable job, a new sense of maturity, and hopefully soon a new wave of spirituality. I'm ready to continue this new pattern of discovery and growth.


I hope i grow more healthy, more stable, more in love with life, more in love with my new partner, and more in love with myself.

Not enough

I honestly...
I don't know if i am ever going to get over being told i'm not enough. too much to deal with and not enough to satisfy.

 i second guess almost everything with Viking Boy because i fear that he's going to find that i'm too much to deal with... so its almost like i act up to make it happen sooner rather than later.
I sleep with him even when i'm not in the mood or don't really want to because i'm worried he's going to decide i'm not enough to satisfy him.

The absolute confidence I had grown and developed over a year.... utterly destroyed 4 words.
too much.
not enough.

I secretly believe those words because hearing them has always been an insecurity. I don't know how to get them out of my head. They make me feel undeserving.

Just when I think i'm starting to grow a bit stronger, my self esteem wants to try to climb a step higher... those words slap against me like a whip and i just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

I never felt like I was enough.... then I finally did... I felt loved, and supported, and encouraged.... only to have it end with too much and not enough.

not enough.

I wasn't enough for the man I thought I would spend my life with. How can I be sure I'll be enough for VB? How can I be sure that he's not going to get fed up and say i'm too much to handle, not worth the effort because i'm not enough to satisfy him.

I hate those words.

Not enough.

not right

Somethings not right.

I know for a fact that i blocked corie on all social media a year or two ago.

I also know that she and I were dating during the summer... because my sister hung out with us at the pool....

we dated for like... 5 months...

the "incident" happened at the end of our relationship... I wrote an angry blog about it. I wrote several angry blogs about that time in my life....

I don't remember deleting them.
I remember re-reading them right before i blocked her.

I remember being angry about her saying i didn't trust her as a means to guilt me into letting her do things i didn't like or want.

I remember writing down what happened in the incident in extreme detail, enraged.

....

none of that is there.
I can't find any of the angry posts.
I can't find hardly ANY posts from that time in my life. at all. theres like... maybe 5 of them? but theres no missing gaps in the dates of posts which would suggest posts had been deleted...


theres a post when we started dating on 6/11/15
theres a post less than a month later of the "incident" but its submissive and sad on 7/4/15
then theres a post about our break up 9/28/15


where is everything? Nothing is as I remember it.
Unless there was a second incident closer to the break up?

because it happened. then a week later we broke up.

but the blog suggests there was 2 months in between...  most of which i don't remember and then the one thing i do remember i thought happened before the incident....

nothing is right.
the timeline is all wrong and confused in my head.

I'm freaking out.

family

so Viking boy has children... a young son and a young niece.

I've gotten to meet them and the rest of his family and honestly... they're all wonderful. 

I really like his mom, she reminds me of mine. 

Still harbor a lot of fear about moving forward but as Queen Mab said... go into the unknown and manifest what i want. I really hope things last with him.. maybe its safe to love his family... maybe its not. 

I miss Jimmie's family so much. His grandma and his aunt.... I thought that they would be my family. I miss them so much. I miss them so much. Losing him also meant losing them. 

Do i dare get attached to VB's family? his kids? Granted none of them live in-state other than his grandparents... and they are just adorable.  So much fear... so much potential loss again. But i've been happy.  And boy oh boy these kids are cute... but goes to show I'm not ready to be a mom yet. I already don't have the energy. 

i'm going back tonight to spend christmas eve with them all, and tomorrow VB and the kiddos are coming with me to my mom's for presents and snacks. 

12/16 Sometimes things just work out

I'm trying to ease up on the fear....

I was talking to my mom and my friend Matthew and they both pretty much said the same thing. 

my mom said that she has known a couple where the guy fell for and knew the girl was the one for him as soon as he met her. She couldn't give him the time of day for YEARS. They've been married for like... 20 years now. 

"theres no right or wrong timing". this made me feel a bit better, because while i feel like VB is sincere the fact that he met me TWICE and knew he wanted me to be his person blew my mind and didn't seem possible. mom says it is. 

Matthew was listening to a list of my fears and why i'm scared and looked me dead in the face ans "sometimes things just work out... you should let it".

So i am going to try. 

ice and iron - 12/20/19

Around my heart I have a Wall

Its made of ice and iron.

I long to open the doors to the hall

and let others freely walk in. 

I want to let the doors fall

and the fire to  burn,

but the ice only grows tall,

Around my heart I have a Wall.

I pretend I do not need anyone at all

Silence is safe, I have learned.

I surround myself within a ball,

its made of ice and iron. 

They say time is the best way to thaw

but what would melt something to stern

all alone i didn't bawl,

around my heart i have a wall

Someone of great strength could stand to haul

A ray of light to upturn

the bridge of fear that makes me stall;

its made of ice and iron. 

Please have patience, I long to call

to the ones who would seem not to turn

I whisper that maybe love can last above all,

Around my Heart I have a wall

its made of ice and iron. 

what if?

what if i replace all the negative "what ifs" with positives?

what if it helps?

what if VB is sincere about how patient he is and he isn't giving me lip service?

what it he doesn't have a major personality flaw that is detrimental to my safety?

what if he really did just have a sense of "knowing" and believes that i am the one for him?

what if his wanting "forever" isn't possessive, just hopeful?

what if he doesn't pull a 180 and leave me blind sighted?
what if he stays open minded about life?
what if i do actually start to feel a connection?

what if he doesn't hurt me?

what if he stays this light heart-ted and adoring?
what if he is really that sweet, not manipulative?

what if he doesn't randomly decide he doesn't want me anymore?

what if he doesn't get tired of me?

what if he doesn't think i'm draining and a problem?

what if he thinks i am enough?
what if i really fall in love?

what if he doesn't hurt me?

what....if he doesn't hurt me?

disconnected

I think what bothers me the most about my relationship with Viking Boy is that i feel disconnected.

He's attached (i'm attached to him, too), she sees a future with me already, wants me to meet his kids, and... while he is very sexually attracted to me there's already been one time where he wanted to sleep with me just to be close to me...

I haven't felt that yet. sex with him is just like sex with anyone.... there's no emotion involved and i don't know how to put them there. There was so much emotion when i slept with jimmie... even from the first time all the way to the last... while sex with VB is fun, it almost seems stale.

He hasn't done anything wrong... its me. I don't have the emotional investment that he does, which he says doesn't bother him, but it bothers me. I feel disconnected from him. I love being around him, I like having sex with him, I even think that i do love him... but i'm disconnected. Being disconnected changes everything and i don't know how to fix it.

I miss feeling connected to someone.

grief and love

"grief is just love with nowhere to go"

This is the most accurate statement I have ever heard.
As soon as she passed all I wanted to do was hold her... she was so small. She weighed nothing. All my love came rushing out of my eyes as tears and out of my mouth as screams. As soon as she was removed from my arms I wanted to hold her again. When we buried her I had to fight the urge to dig her back up with my hands so that I could hold her again.

I lost one of my babies and I just wanted to hold her again.

Last night she came to me in my dreams, twice. Both dreams unrelated, she came out of nowhere... once in a random bathroom, she just walked in and jumped on the counter and loved me.. she was happy and healthy; she let me hold her. The second time I was busting a hospital for doing black market shit with booth and bones (from bones) and I pulled in my favorite nurse to a side room, where we talked... and sweetpea hopped on the bed, curled up in my lap, and again, let me hold her. That time she practically jumped in my arms.

I woke up with relief.
I got to show her how much I loved her one more time.



https://www.petmd.com/dog/behavior/5-tips-help-pets-deal-grief
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-losing-a-pet.htm

slow down

So i need to have another convo with VB... he is so much farther ahead than me in terms of emotions and investment.

He says he doesn't mind, that he can tell i love him even without me saying it. He's so sure that I am the one for him that he's willing to be patient and let me go at my own pace.... however his use of the word "forever" on multiple occasions scares me. It sets of warning bells in my head, makes me feel cornered and like i'm being trapped. Makes me think of Maude/Mary and of Lauren, who lulled me into a false sense of security.... he may not be intending for it to sound or feel manipulative but since thats all i know thats how it feels.

No one likes to hear that something they say scares their partner but it needs to be said.

as an event coordinator

https://www.themuse.com/advice/im-an-event-manager-and-this-is-what-my-jobs-really-like

- Basically show up an hour early, check all sound and IT, check food, make giftbags, etc.
- the event happens; clean up
- meetings, meetings, meetings with clients, sales team/teammates about next event, marketing team about upcoming events, etc.

https://www.eventmanagerblog.com/truths-event-planner
https://communicationmgmt.usc.edu/blog/a-day-in-the-life-of-an-event-planner/




https://www.mbacentral.org/hospitality-management-mba-degrees/



https://www.owlguru.com/career/meeting-convention-and-event-planners/quiz/

https://www.owlguru.com/career/meeting-convention-and-event-planners/job-description/

game night oct 11th?

So I first met Viking boy in person Oct. 9th - a wednesday. He brought me candy and soda and just hung out with me while I did homework.

Then He stayed the night on the game night he met my friends... the 11th. Stayed with me until I went to work saturday. All we did was make out.

He stayed the night on the 14th... and we slept together. I think that was the night he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend? Or was it the 11th? LOOOOOORD.
-----


----


It was the 11th.

We had been talking for less than a week.
we had seen eachother in person twice.

Thats all it took for him to want to be with me.
Whats shocking is that... both of us don't casually date. So when he asked he was asking about a serious monogamous relationship.

two days.

how was he THAT sure, that quickly?
i wasn't totally sure I wanted to be his girlfriend until like... almost 3 weeks after that.

we even started on totally different pages.... and yet he isn't bothered that my pace is slower than his. He's so patient. 
He's so sure of our relationship...
last night he mentioned "forever"... and i felt like i got dunked in ice water. He wants to be with me "forever" and i'm over here not even sure if he will hit the 3 month trial period.
January 11th will be 3 months.
thats over a month away.

I swear he seems so perfect it makes me scared. But we've also only been together just under 2 months... talking about already forever seems fast.

I thought jimmie was perfect for me... I thought he was "the one".... I fell for him so hard.... Look how that turned out.
I don't want to end up being Dalton's jimmie.

But ive noticed similarities to how i am now and how jimmie was when we started dating. Afraid to commit. Hesitant. Still in pain from a previous relationship. Wanting the pace of things to be slower - or at least going at a slower pace than the other person.

What if i end up hurting him like how jimmie hurt me?
I'm also scared i'm going to get hurt.

I have so much fear.... And I keep waiting for him to grow unhappy at my hesitancy and fear, but i'm only met with patience and understanding.
I feel like i'm being unfair to him and I want to cut it off before he gets hurt. Or I get hurt.

But I also know that ^ that statement right there is my bipolar talking. Straight up.

How much of this anxiety is  my lizard brain and how much of it is genuine concern? (well its genuine either way but how much of it is logical and how much of it is my crazy?"
He thinks i'm perfect for him ... but how can he know? HOW can he be so sure? He doesn't know me that well... I don't know him that well.

I'm freaking out.

sex therapy 12/6/2019

So.... nows the point where the sex comes into my sex therapy.
My therapist is a behavioral therapist, that's her primary method. She and I have been tackling the brain and how it functions, why it functions, thought patterns, emotion recognition, etc. Well...

i have been having panic attacks with sex more often. It seems that the closer I get to orgasm, the more likely I am to have a panic attack. In fact, prolonged exposure to the "build up" almost certainly will send me into an attack. The build up has to be sudden and fast or non existent for me to have sex without having a panic attack. If I stay in a period of intense pleasure for too long = panic attack.

Now I have realized I have panic attacks for 2 reasons:
1) Physical/Sensation Flashback
2) I have to stop to prevent ^ and then immediately become filled with emotions of guilt, inadequacy, and uselessness... which leads to a panic attack.

I have to stop before #1 or I have to stop before I orgasm because the intensity is too much... because my brain and body think they are in danger. Always has, its why i would have to stop with Corie and she would get mad. After her my body definitely interprets it as dangerous. Certain levels of pleasure send out danger warning signals.

That being said.... my body is traumatized. My brain is for sure, but so is my body. While my therapist and I work on my brain.... Viking Boy and I need to work on my body. I have to get my body used to feeling intense pleasure, teach it that there is no danger, and essentially train it to allow me to orgasm. Here's the thing: i'm going to have to use a vibrator.

i'm scared. My brain is sending fear signals just thinking about it. Danger. Weapon. 

But I also know... this might be the only way i can actually attain orgasm. Fooling around with VB enough to become aroused, and instead of having sex we just play with eachother - we do this every so often.... Just instead of using fingers inside... we'll use the vibrater. I'm scared.... but I feel like this is honestly a much needed step to overcome my fears and anxieties.

Thank goodness VB is patient.... and really good at helping me through panic attacks...

Reservations 12/5/2019

So I asked for a reading to figure out what my reservations about Viking Boy is. I love him... but it is a pale love... a pastel love in comparison to what I am used to feeling. Its like my heart is afraid to commit to him. So I asked why...

and the bones spoke. As always, Amy's bone reading is as accurate as ever.
Amy suggested that perhaps I was hesitant because Viking Boy is so different from what I am accustomed to, compared to every other person I have dated...VB is different. So different. He is the kind of person I don't think I would have approached on my own, but not the kind of person I would instantly write off. I think the way we met was perfect because it let me get to know him before I met him - enough for me to know I for sure wanted to know him.

But he is not the kind of person I ever thought I would end up with. I am a straight laced goody-two-shoes. I know I am. I tend to have a stick up my ass when it comes to a lot of things most people are cool about. I absolutely hate weed. hate the smell, hate the taste, hate the grumpy affect it has on me. I'm a rule follower. was the teachers pet. I am high strung and scared all the time.
He gives off the "bad boy" type vibe. Walks with a confident swagger, makes it known that he is not against nor is he afraid of violence. He smokes constantly. He has a history (will not disclose). Has a gangster/hood/???? side to him and you can tell.

Not the kind of guy I thought I would end up with.

BUT

He is also sincere and honest, playful and careful never to hurt me or be too rough. He is witty and charming. He is incredibly smart and good with his hands. He genuinely cares for the people around him. He is highly empathetic and compassionate - he tries his best to give everyone a base level of respect. His outlook on life is amazing; even more positive than mine is. He's nerdy and cheeky. He likes to help others and I can tell it makes him happy to see others happy.  He is incredibly patient and sweet.

THAT IS the type of person I have always wanted to see myself with.

There is such a duality to him. He is equal parts surprise and yet oddly familiar.
His violent power is at my disposal - not directed at me, and I honestly believe it never would be.
He adores me - sincerely and without conflict or reluctance. To quote amy: "you could probably set his car on fire and he would still love you". and while I don't think that exact statement is true, I think the sentiment is correct. He adoration is unconditional.

He says he loves me. I have said it back to him, although I fear it may not be completely true. Or maybe I do but i haven't fully felt it. I adore him. I love to be around him.
I think perhaps I am scared? Scared to feel so deeply for someone again. Scared that he feels so strongly about me, sincerely, so quickly. It took him 3 days to know he wanted me as a partner. That scares me.  He already wants me to meet his son... the level of assurance he must have in our relationship... scares me. He is so sure and set on me that I feel guilty for how uneven things are.

I adore him. I want him around all the time. I miss him when he isn't here. I kind of pout when i don't hear from him during the day. i know that i have feelings for him.  But how can i overcome this fear and actually let myself commit to it? Why am afraid to really fall for him? He deserves someone that is on the same page as him, and I feel like i'm nowhere close.

Can he tell? Of course he can probably tell. How does it not bother him? Maybe it does and he just doesn't show it? I know that he is patient. Is he so patient that he is unbothered, or at least not bothered enough by my slow pace to point it out?

Do I even deserve someone as good as him?

and maybe a part of me is still holding on to the past... I don't know why... other than I literally thought i would spend the rest of my life with him. I know in my head - Dalton is better for me and in all honesty is a better person. Maybe after the cutting chord spell on saturday i will finally be able to fully let go of the past. I have never loved anyone as much as i loved jimmie. Maybe i'm scared i never will again? And thats why i'm struggling... whats the point of trying to fall in love again if it won't be at the same level? 

But how can it get to that level if i won't even allow it time to grow? I keep forgetting that my feelings for jimmie grew for 4 years. I owe VB that opportunity. I can't expect a new love thats only been alive for like 2 months  to compare to what grew over 4 years. 

Maybe i'm worried my own curse will kick in and he won't make it past the 3rd month?

Maiden mother crone 12/5/2019

So in wicca there is the triple goddess aspect called maiden mother crone. 

As someone who briefly started out in Wicca I still follow that aspect... only I don't believe it has to be one goddess. 

I believe that there is a path that every woman (and man) follows, a triple aspect: maiden/boy, mother/father - warrior - woman/man, and followed by crone/elder. 

Now the last part has more to do with experience rather than age. 

I am approaching the mother part of my life - I am not a mother nor do I think I will become one anytime soon; however, Instinctually i am becoming more maternal and BOY DO I HAVE BABY FEVER. 

The same can be said about teenagers who get pregnant. Just having the child doesn't always initiate the mother/father aspect of life - its a mental place, not a physical one. Until An individual is mentally at a place where they are ready to care for another, then they will remain in the maiden/boy part of life. 

OR

If parental instinct are not present, then there is the "warrior" option, which essentially just means an instinctively protective maturity. For those that don't like the label of "warrior" there is also woman/man - The second phase of life is just about maturity. 

The Crone/Elder phase of life is all about wisdom and experience. You can have a 25 year old military verteran that has aged beyond his years and become an elder. You can have a 30 year old recovered addict in her crone phase. 

Maiden/Boy - innocence, experimental, young or immature

Mother/Father/Warrior - Maturity. Looking at the world through new eyes, ready to "grow up"

Crone/Elder - Wisdom, experience, ready to teach others about LIFE.

I personally feel it is important to have a balanced paneon to those who are polythiestic if you choose to work with multiple gods.  I feel like their should be a deity to represent each phase of life, each element, each season, life/creation and death ... Everything is a cycle and it is important to honor and represent that spiritually. 

Maiden: Aine - spring - water (I worship Aine in her maiden mermaid form)

Mother/Father - Demeter/Cernunnos - earth (Cernnuons shows himself to me as a green man but not an elderly one) 

Warrior: Brigid - fire / Queen Mab - Air

Crone/Elder: to be determined (I feel like this will eventually be the Morrigan because I do not have any deities of death in my pantheon... it is incomplete and unbalanced atm)

Oak tree (poem for VB)

My heart is weak,

having gone through trials to get to you, 

strong like an oaktree.

I have scorched feet,

I walked through fire, felt the heat too. 

My heart is Weak. 

The rivers of love had torn through me,

I carefully tread into something new,

strong like an oak tree.

How can I know for sure it is your heart I seek,

having gone through what I went through,

My heart is weak.

My heart beats hesitantly, yet eagerly

You are safe, with calmness in waves  - sweet and true,

Strong like an oak tree. 

With you something now can grow free,

with time and lots of patience, soon -

My heart is weak

- strong like an oak tree. 

Shot through the heart 12/4/19

Facebook memories and snapchat have been doing those dumb "this time las year" reminders... and It keep s showing me happy times with Jimmie. Really makes me wonder.. how long had things been bad and I didn't know? Why the sudden steep decline at the end? Frankly I think our relationship was solidified with a shared mushroom trip... and I think that bad trip is what killed us. But before that... He had been having doubts. He had been having doubts since before our year mark... back in August of  '18 when he threw me.  In his drunken blacked out state he acted on subconscious impulses - he didn't want to be with me. He wanted me gone. I shouldn't have let him talk me into staying.. I should of left. Maybe then we would have been able to actually have a normal friendship... instead I stayed, dedicated myself to him, and got my heart obliterated. Now we are this... awkward "i'm your friend but I can't be around you at all"... at least on my end. 

I miss what we had whenever I see him. I like what I have with Viking Boy but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my relationship with Jimmie... a lot. But I don't know if its just the relationship.. or if its him too. Because I don't know if I would go back to him now. With the way things are now... I don't think I would. friends with benefits maybe, but i do think i have fallen out of love with him. 

I say that but then I see him and my body instinctively goes back to muscle memory where every hug was followed by a kiss. He came over last night to pop my neck and help relieve my migraine... and we hugged a few times. I'd forgotten how perfectly I fit in his arms... how comfortable he is. But that's just on a physical level. I miss the physicality of our relationship. I miss the level of connection we had.. one that took almost 4 years to build. 

I have to let go. I have let go.. but nostalgia keeps bringing it all back. I miss what we had but its gone. Its going to stay gone as far as i am concerned and I need (and want) to see what kind of new thing will grow with Viking Boy. 

Just because the love is paler and weaker in this new relationship doesn't mean it isn't love... its just new love. The love I had with Jimmie had been fully developed. It had been consuming. This new one is slow and steady... it is earth compared to fire. I deserve to let this grow because won't burn me.  Viking Boy won't hurt me. He wouldn't put a hand to me and He would probably beat anyone who even threatened to do so within an inch of their life. 

He is strong and secure and safe... like an oak tree. I may miss the fire intensity and the sweeping of the current of what I had in the past... but In this I am supported wholeheartedly, with no disdain or  reluctance - and I am safe from being burned; In this I am stable, not being tossed to and fro in a rapids of emotion. 

I simply need to have patience... I need to give the oak tree time to grow and  - hopefully- it will outlast the past. 

Budgeting again with better #

Okay I get 380 a week. 380x 4 =1520.

1500$ a month. 

FIXED BILLS not including rent 

Car payment - 225
Car Insurance - 100
Health insurance - 70
Phone - 55
Credit - 50
Student Loan - 50
Internet - 35
Utilities - 80 --> could be higher because bad insulation 
Savings: 100
-----------------
765
-1500


735
- 50 gas
- 20 for Smokey 
-250 food 
————

415 for rent.

400-350 for safety net.

Sweetpea

Sweetpea died today.

I woke up and found her barley able to breathe.

I made phone calls.
I took her to the vet.
She died in my arms.

I am a wreck.

My old lady is no longer with me.

I have cried so much today, I can barley remember today in its completion.

Sweetpea is gone.

She’s gone away.

I can still feel how small she was when I held her for the last time.
She looked so peaceful, like she was just sleeping, in the box we buried her in.

We planted irises over her grave.

18 years with her.... and now she’s gone.

financial aid budgeting

so i'm getting 3600 back this spring because i surprisingly got a scholarship.

-300 fucking textbooks because one is a goddamn ECU custom made one.
- 1,400 in savings right away. This covers the move in july as well as taxes i'm going to owe. Also need to save up for regular maintenance on the honda to keep my warranty.
- 550 for a new laptop. This one is literally  on its last life, I will be lucky if it makes it till January.
- 300 bank account
- 40 chevy rotary  - mom has a guy who can put it on.
-------------------------------------
1000 --> Credit Card... this won't pay it off but will help make a dint.



Laptops to consider:
https://store.acer.com/en-us/laptops?gclid=CjwKCAiArJjvBRACEiwA-Wiqq7gMrVWalq7psY-TJBOSeKVKEZRHrPWneaEM35idggXVeZq7Gmc23BoCsA0QAvD_BwE&operating_system%5B0%5D=Windows+10+Home&operating_system%5B1%5D=Windows+10+S&processor_manufacturer=Intel%C2%AE&processor_type%5B0%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i3&processor_type%5B1%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i5&processor_type%5B2%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i7&product_list_limit=25

https://www.google.com/shopping/product/9314483640643770884/reviews?lsf=seller:7933,store:13588881624608651932,s:h&q=Lenovo+IdeaPad+720S&hl=en&lsft=cm_mmc:PLA-_-Google-LIA-_-1499148381-_-8821010-VQ6-399564100009-VQ16-c-VQ17-pla-VQ18-local-VQ20-339972931843-VQ21-279&lsft=gclid:CjwKCAiArJjvBRACEiwA-Wiqq4r0RePSDfjnRkIrNzoCylM0VC8oHOiTvq4jTD7_rmA2OCdsEbwAXhoCiNoQAvD_BwE,gclsrc:aw.ds&prds=cid:9314483640643770884,oid:3754106452885291259,rate:4,rnum:10,sgro:or&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjKp7eFgJrmAhVHUt8KHSgtADgQn08IKCgC

failed.

I failed Accounting.

I made another 33 on the final....

And this time i wasn't distracted by having just quit my job.

I studied for the test. I focused on what I was doing and did the math carefully.

I still made a 33.


so my grades as they stand:

exam 1 - 25% - 82
exam 2 - 25% - 43
Final - 25% - 33
homework - 15% - 89
discussion boards - 10% - 4? If that? It was kind of screwy the way this part worked.

meaning my grade is: a 55.86

now she puts us against the class average, not against a 100.

so if the highest grade in the class is a 88? then i'm 55.86/88 = 63.4
 I need a 73 minumum to pass the class.

55/x = 73/100

The highest average would need to be a 75 for me to get that grade.... The class average is already a 76 before homework gets added in.


I have failed my first class. ever.
I fucking hate this feeling.

Budgeting

okay so after i pay rent tomorrow i will have 200$ to my name.

but thankfully i don't think i have any big bills coming up until AFTER pay day.

I also have like $40 worth of the vending machine money from work i can use to buy little microwave meals.
SO
**** Super cheap things that are also very fillinh:
- popcorn
-eggs (throw out the bad ones in the fridge - good lord) - also good in ramen
- sriracha to season chicken and fish...

-$25





tuesday:
-$25 tire :(
soup for lunch (rest of the brocoli) and kale salad after exams --> study for stats test 8 hours
eat leftover thanksgiving food for dinner

wednesday
Lentil soup for lunch
Cook some fish in a pan with butter, lime juice, and  rice.
study for stats test - 2 hours

Thursday
Birthday: little microwave meal for lunch-5
Study for stats test - 2 hours - visit with Jimmie
dinner: little steaks! (see if VB will pick up a veggie or starch) VB treating me to dinner = leftovers
Frozen? Cuddles - enjoy some boyfriend time

Friday: PAY DAY +$200 = now have 350 in account.
PRINT FORMULA SHEETS FOR EXAM
Soup for lunch
leftovers for dinner --> boil some eggs for lunch tomorrow
study for stats test - 4 hours

7th Saturday:
EXAM T_T
lunch: eggs and popcorn --> clean and nap. --> BOYFRIEND <3
Cake at Matthews place ---> sugar coma this shit.
Dinner at the bar: limit budget: $25 in drinks and food - 5 tip = $30 night.


8th Sunday:
lunch?
Dinner at mom's.
- 50 phone bill

9th Monday:
Little microwave meal-5
take out one of the little steaks at lunch and slice it thin thin - eat in bowl of ramen.

10th Tuesday:
little microwave meal -5
Cook some chicken (if I have any) in the sweet chili sauce with lime and serve with Asian noodles in broth.


11th Wednesday



12 Thursday



13th Firday PAYDAY + 300
- 50 credit
-30 because I need to get gas at some point
- microwave meal-5
- VB over for dinner --> last 2 little steaks?

Birthday Plans

Official Birthday Plans

Take my Statistics exam from 12-4. 

feed cats. 

CAKE AND WINE AT MATTHEW'S --> bonfire --> burn the last romantic-emotional ties...

--> "Brigid take the emotions invested in this past relationship and anchor and help me to forge a bond just as strong with one who is deserving"--> maybe cry a little. 

Go Drinking at Aj Mcmurphies :) --> invite EVERYONE 

Beautiful - Nov 27th

Its amazing to me how easy it is to forget that I am beautiful. 

I went to the ren faire for the first time and was amazed at how gorgeous everyone was... I forgot that I too wore something visually appealing. It wasn't until the end of the day that I noticed men were actually drawn to me//found me beautiful. I was given several compliments and I'm sure a few inappropriate comments from one man if Aaron hadn't been there (apparently everyone thought he was my boyfriend). But I started noticing looks from guys passing by. (pretty sure the one or two looks I got from women were about my outfit -  because it looked good.)

Then a few days ago, out of nowhere, my roommate Adam as he is passing by my room (on a day I felt gross and full blown moldy potato) says "you are just so beautiful. Like a real life anime girl, just so beautiful with your dark hair and dark eyes". Repeatingly calling me beautiful. 

VB has said he thinks I am the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. While I know for a fact that can't be true i know he is being utterly sincere... which makes me wonder if I am somehow glamouring him unawares... which means that he bring out my faerie energy naturally.... which makes him seem even more perfect. 

It is so easy to forget that I am beautiful. Even on days when I don't feel ugly, on days i do my make up... I just forget. I think of myself as plain... until someone somehow in small ways remind me, that i am. in fact. beautiful. 

Bleeding Heart - Nov 27

Its a very hard thing to process and handle when something is going wrong because of a magick thing.... and you are forbidden from helping with more magic because then the bad thing spreads. 

helping would hurt me and my family.

but not helping hurts. 

It feels like my heart is bleeding. 

admiration

so... what i'm feeling for viking boy is more than just.... "hes so cute omg i'm going to explode"

although i do find him aesthetically atractive ... i mean.. THOSE BLESSED BLUE EYES UGH KILL ME NOW...

but its honestly more than skin deep.

• He is so patient.... like he doesn't get anoyed when i'm being overly emotional or moody.
• He's understanding... he tries his best to help when i have a panic attack (which ha already happened during sex twice now? in like a month? :/ ) 
• He's understanding about my mental health and knows that there will be time periods where i am a roller coaster... (we're not gonna mention how my cpstd might be manifesting as borderline....) because oh boy has my bipolar changed over the years and am i REALLY FEELING IT NOW MR. KRABS. 
• He's so willing to LEARN. He enjoys researching things he doesn't know or understand all that much.. this includes spiritual or reigious things... lifestyle things (i'm inroducing him to BDSM - he didn't know about the non sexual aspects and lifestyle parts.... its a slow process but he is at least willing to try and learn about it which is awesome). 
• He listens... if i say something isn't okay or i don't something he does, he listens and actively tries to do better. might take a reminder or two but he listens and adapts. 
• He's not phased by much... as overly emotional as I am... he's the water to my fire.... he soothes me. if i'm moody and depressive - he gives me kisses ad cuddles... if i'm manic and hyper as FUCK he plays with me and keeps me contained. He adapts and takes almost everything in stride. he moves like water around obstacles and just keeps going...
• He has an amazing outlook on life.... he has been through so much already (hes only 23!) and yet somehow still has a sunny disposition and an optimistic view on life. He smiles and knows that eventually he will get to where he needs to go.
• He makes me feel so safe... both in that I don't ever need to worry about him having eyes for anyone else. ever. and I know he won't physically hurt me (and boy I would like to see anyone try to hurt me with him around.....) Even though he is capable of great violence I know that I have that in defense of me and it won't ever be used against me. 
• He is brave. Ie wouldn't hesitate to step infront of me or protect me or shield me from something that makes me uncomfortable. He's not the kind to run from a fight and won't hesitate to confront someone. 
• He is honest.... while he may not say what hes thinking all the time, he at least is sincere when he speaks. It shows on his face and in his expressive eyes... even if the truth is unpleasant he will say it. (now.. lets admit he can be biased.... but he says his truth.) But he also has tact.

Both my mom and my cat adore him. 

hell - even Queen Mab, one of the coldest more aloof goddesses I work with adores him. 

He makes me happy... and I think given enough time I could really come to love him. 

marketing project

• Mission Statement: Our mission is to combine the sanctuary for humans and mustangs to offer an experience of healing and freedom.

• Creating a Branding Strategy, including logos, slogans, advertisements, fonts, etc. for I AM HEARD

• Rough draft of the written part due tomorrow!!??????
• we need a group mission statement
• executive summary explaining who we are and what we want to do 
• situation alaysis explaining how we see the client and their goals as well as challenges they are facing 
• Decision: the offical advice we recomend and why (colors, fonts, logos, slogans, etc)
• "Alternatives" things we considered and why, but didn't go with and why. 
• Plan of action: how to go about the advice we settled on?
• include any images or alterations done to images, logos, etc. I would include bsuiness cards and such. 
• include any other important notes or thoughts
• WE NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN DO PHOTOSHOP

• We need a 10min video presentation that is a light summary of our written document explaining why they should choose us to be a consultant for their 

Toxic

Last night I came to the realization that as happy as my relationship with Jimmie had made me... it wasn’t a healthy one. I also realized that everything I had been doing in terms of Jimmie, what I was allowing and thinking or contemplating has been toxic. I’ve refused to Set boundaries and was allowing him to hurt and manipulate me (either intentionally or not).

I also realized that  Viking Boy is so much healthier for me. That when out side by side there is no way jimmie beats him in terms of treatment, temperament, and outlook on life. Viking boy is healthier for me to be with and he showed up in my life just in time to prevent me from going back to jimmie.

So last night, as hard as it was, I actively  chose the potential of life with Viking Boy over the dream life I thought I would have with Jimmie.
I closed the door on what I thought my life would be.

I thought I was going to throw up. I wanted to cry.
But I realized this is what is best for me and I was doing the right thing.
Last night I let go of something that I loved so much, but had grown toxic to my well being.

Discussion Board 12

• Consider the concept of integrated marketing communications (IMC).  Select any company you like and do some investigating about their use of IMC in developing and executing their promotional strategies.  Look for evidence through their media and messages. 
• What evidence leads you to conclude they are or are not successfully practicing an IMC approach?  Be specific and connect the evidence to the discussion of IMC in the chapter.
• Is there evidence that the firm practices internal marketing?  If so, please share what you found that leads you to this conclusion.  If not, speculate on how internal marketing would be of value to the organization.
• For this or any firm, what are the major advantages of taking an IMC approach?  What are the downsides of not practicing IMC?

I chose Starbucks as one of my favorite companies. I found an article that I will quote that articulates my thoughts perfecty: "Visually, the Starbucks brand is undeniable. Travel to any major city around the world, and quite a few less major ones, and you’ll see the familiar Starbucks face peering at you from coffee cups held by passersby. You’ll identify a place to get the coffee you love in an airport, or wandering down some strange new street (https://www.waxmarketing.com/imc-campaign-of-the-month-starbucks-well-everything/)." 

I know from talking directly to friends of mine who currently or have worked for starbucks that they do have an internal marketing strategy, usually through a "secret menu" which can involve different recipes that only baristas know or have made for each other (at least thats what I was told it started out as). They also get perks such as free coffee to take home and 30% discount off of beverages they order. 

IMC is always advantageous because its all about the best forms of communication and making sure that all things going out about the company is on the same page. A downside to not using it is that miscommunications can occur easily, at foodlion there were always problems involving confusion about pricing and what items were ment to be put where because there was very poor communication.

• Think of a situation you’ve experienced in which some communication process you were involved in did not go as well as it might have.  Any kind of communication will work for the example – it doesn’t have to be marketing communications.  Using the Communication Process Model (Exhibit 12.6) and accompanying discussion as a guide, systematically retrace the steps of that communication experience through the elements of the model and identify (a) where the problems occurred and (b) what could have been done differently at each problem step to make the communication experience better.

I can give an example that happened to my mother just the other day involving our car insurance (and technically me because I am part of the plan). After my younger sister was dropped from the car insurance plan there were lots of miscommunication errors between the insurance and my mother involving pricing, wether or not she would be covered over the next month or how much was owed or not owed. After everything was finally settled they informed my mom that despite her not owing anything and the matter was solved, she would still be getting something in the mail saying her bill was past due. Granted they warned her and told her to completely ignore it, but the fact that it was still going on and there were miscommunications at every step shows a clear issue with their communication processes. 

• Consider a major purchase you have made recently.  Review the AIDA model (Exhibit 12.7) and accompanying discussion.
• Think back on the process that led up to your purchase and reconstruct the types of promotion that you experienced during each stage of the AIDA model.  Which of the promotional forms was most effective in your situation, and why?

• As you reconstruct this purchase experience and the promotional messages you received during it, what other promotion mix elements that you did not experience at the time might have been effective in convincing you to make the purchase?  At what stage of the AIDA model would they have been helpful, and in what ways do you believe they might have impacted your decision process?

I legitimately cannot remember the last "major" purchase I made other than when I picked which apartment I would be living in.  The most successful promotional form was awareness. My roommate was researching apartment options and this new apartment complex (still being built) had already been added to a database where prospective clients. This prompted us to go in person where we were then given brochures and a tour as well as hearing actual testimonials from people who lived in other apartment complexes run by the same company (action). In all honesty I feel like the apartment complex has done a decent job of hitting all areas, they are present in apartment databases (awareness), have excellent web presence (interest), have plenty of information to give out through brochures and promotions in person (desire and action). 

2 years

Today would have made 2 years.

I can’t figure out if I miss the relationship or if I miss jimmie.


In hind sight he really did take me for granted... we fought all the time.
As happy as I was the relationship was just as bipolar as I am... constant ups and downs.
That’s not healthy....

But I was happy.

But I’ve got something new and I can see the growth and potential... I have got to let go of the past.
This new relationship is slow and peaceful...
Something totally strange.

I have to be willing to let it grow and stop joking into the branches of a dead tree.
It had its chance.
We had our chance.

It would have been 2 years..

Crying.

I knew this would happen.

Everything was going to happen in November.

I would be allowed to do future readings again - finally.
What would have been our two year anniversary.
The 6 month marker of our break up.

This was when I was going to approach Jimmie about getting back together.
I also suspected that this was when (if he ever) he would come to realize he made a mistake.


I wasn’t wrong.

But now I am with someone else... and as much as I have been having premonitions about what Jimmie said to me tonight, and how much I have wanted him to say those words...

I’m happy with Viking Boy.

I am with someone that I can be childlike with and carefree. I havnt been with  someone that I can be this silly and playful with since...Jake.
VB has so much potential.. I’m not going to throw that away. I can’t, I feel that I both have to and want to see where it goes.

But I also feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

I want to scream.
And run.
And numb my brain out.

I’m crying.

I just have to wait until I’m in my car to let the tears fall.

Transparency: nevermind

You know what? After typing that up last night I felt better.

I don’t think its actually necessary to have that talk with him... I really am happy with him and everything I said in the blogpost was true. I do think I’m starting the “falling” process. I’m not in love with him yet, but I can easily say that I adore biking boy.

What I had with Jimmie took years of repressed feelings and intense healing to occur. I can’t expect that level of intensity with Viking boy, I’m not worried about it. I’m happy and carefree. There is real potential there, I think.

No need to bring up the past unless it’s going to have a real affect on the current relationship. No need to stir up any uncomfortable and unnecessary feelings when there is no threat.

It’s odd.

I had a dream last night that I cheated on VB with Jimmie and then after reflecting on it, I realized how attached to him I am. How happy I get when I talk about him.

I’m excited to get to know more about him.
I’m excited to see how things go with him.
He’s very much in the present moment and I like how when I’m with him, so am I.

Do I still think of Jimmie when I hear most live songs? ... yes.
Do I think that will fade? Eventually, with more time.

Which is why I say Nevermind to my previous post. Unless I still feel the same way farther down the road, I don’t see why VB needs to know how far I was planning on going with Jimmie.

New cycle of life.
I need to embrace it.

transparency: practice

This is to mostly get my thoughts in order for when I talk to Viking Boy.... I'm probably going to over think and be extra wordy here and then panic when i go to talk to him and give a super short version but alas... at least with this i will have a kind of outline in my head.

"Hey so... I think youre amazing. You make me feel safe and happy. Like I said the other night, I can be relaxed and carefree with you. When i'm with you I can just be me....well,  there has been one thing thats been weighing on me. Communication is really important to me and I don't want anything hidden between us.... so I feel like I need to talk to you about my relationship with Jimmie. 

So... I'm a all or nothing type of person. I hate to say 'ride-or-die' but I really am. I was so serious about Jimmie that I was saving up to buy him an engagement ring, I was that dedicated to him and our relationship. I was certain that I was going to marry him... which is why its been such a struggle for me to get over him. I am actively trying to get over him and i'm not hanging out with him anymore. When I get into a relationship with someone i'm serious about them... and that transfers over to you. 

I want you to know that while i am with you, I am all about you and only you. You make me happy and I am excited to see where things go with you. I don't want you to feel threatened by him or by the fact that I am keeping him in my life, especially because it is at arms length. But I felt you had a right to know how significant a role he played in my life. I know that my feelings for you are growing and are only going to continue to grow, i'm not worried about Jimmie and I don't want you to either, I just wanted to have total transparency." 

Assignment 3 Notes

OKAY so assignment 3 is the biggest one for my stats class and its due Fri the 22.)

I will need a population size.

(1)Choose any city in the South. Go to a multiple listing service of your choice on the internet (ie you could use Zillow.com, Trulia, or any other MLS site). 
- Randomly sample 30 houses from the total population of all single family houses on the market in that city.  The variable of interest on which you are collecting information is the listing price(or you may use selling price) of the house.  Be sure that you include a table using the format you used in Assignment 2 reporting the data you collected.

(2)conduct a hypothesis test about the mean value of the listing price of Single family homes in that location.  The test you are conducting is trying to prove if the mean listing price of houses in the city you chose is significantly different from $326,600[average home price for houses in the  South 3rd quarter, 2019 (FRED,.2019)]. Conduct the test at the .05 level of significance.

(3)Write a report of this process and your results and implications.

Points to Consider when Writing a Statistical Case

There are generally 4 main sections when writing a statistical case. (see below) Please include just the names of these subheadings in your paper (without the letters a, b, c, and d.)

1. Introduction: This section must include a statement(s) regarding the main
objective of the case.  It also includes any other background information (especially about the city that you sampled) that is relevant concerning why this case is being undertaken and how this analysis might prove useful.  By this I mean demographic or other relevant information on the city you chose that would pertain to the real estate market you chose. This discussion should be thorough in its description of the real estate market chosen, as well as all relevant related variables, such as per capital income, age of residents, size of population, etc. Your objective statement for the assignment is what you're trying to prove via the hypothesis test about the price.


2. Sampling Procedure: This section includes a discussion of the random number generator used in the sampling process, specifically a detailed discussion of how the numbers were generated and then used to sample the data from the population.  In this discussion, you must include the date when you sampled the data, the population size, as well as the web source of the data used.   ***Be sure that you appropriately cite all websites or other references used and include a reference page at the end of the case.  Failure to do so is plagiarism and will result in a major deduction of points.  You will include a table in this section showing the properties sampled and their selling prices.  Be sure that the table is numbered and has a title and follows the format given in a sample table attached to this assignment.  The table goes after the text, but before the references.
   
3.. Empirical Analysis:  This section will include the hypothesis test used to
analyze the data.  Be sure that you follow a 5 step hypothesis testing procedure. You must state Ho, Ha, etc.   Be sure to state all assumptions behind the test conducted.
 
4. Conclusion:  Based on the results of your hypothesis test, you must then apply these results to appropriately analyze the situation presented. What do the conclusions of your test tell you practically? How might you use this information in the real estate market or in making personal decisions? Are there any data limitations?


Include References for any in- text citations below the text.
You need a cover sheet.

new cycles

I am officially starting a new cycle in my life.

I quit my, now toxic, job.
I start my new one Monday and I am optimistic.

I am still in the middle of the school semester, but my period of disillusionment has ended.
I now have a direction I want to go in. (I'm going to get my Certificate in Hospitality and be an event coordinator)

I'm with a new romantic partner,
there is real potential there, although I am progressing far slower than I ever have before - which is probably a good thing. Its refreshing not to lose my head.

Even my body seems aware...

My moon cycle has been insanely heavy this time. It started with expelling the worst first - I was bleeding black. And now my body seems to be resetting itself 100%...

This will be a uterus lining that never experienced him.

A total reset.

a new start to a new cycle of my life.

quit.

I start my new job on monday.
I quit Bistro.

Mrs. Heather coaxed the truth out of me.
I couldn't stay after that...

I couldn't stay after she confronted him.

trying to tell myself its not my fault.

But she was so pained and horrified.

The only thing left is hoping Lexi can grab my stuff that I left at the bar (headbands, my jacket, some lipstick) and fills in the tip sheet that I forgot to do so I get paid for my last night.

Picking up my last paycheck.

Getting my W2's.

Then I will be 100% done with him.

List of grievances

here is the list of grievances I will add to my final fairwell letter that I will give when I pick up my final paycheck.

- withholding requests until I ask in my “sugar baby voice;” a high pitch  whiny/pleading voice.
- endless counts of “I like when you beg” “you look good on your knees”
- endless counts of “you need to be spanked” “you deserve a sparking” “I ought to spank you”
- touching my butt while receiving a hug - twice
- giving me money to buy new bras to service his lingerie fetish - once directly putting the money in my bra
- asking for pictures of said bras he told me to buy
- giving me money to buy “new work pants; preferably a size too small so I can stare at your cute butt”
- isolation behaviors to keep the servers away from me at the bar so he can make his inappropriate comments.

Natural

So Viking boy met my mom today.

It was so... natural.

We got there almost at 11 and didn’t leave until about 8pm.
I havnt seen my mom click with someone I’ve brought home that much in years.
She almost had a water fight with me... which...  is big.
She brought out the childhood photos for a while. They talked about some similar things they both have in their past.
To my surprise she talked more with him than she did me.


I love that they got along so well.
And Smokey freakishly likes him... for now ;)

He has resting bitch face which makes me nervous because I struggle to interpret people’s body language and facial expressions as is (yay cptsd)... but now I’ve gotten comfortable enough that if I can’t tell if he’s upset or not I’ll do something silly - which then he smiles and I know everything is fine. And that’s one thing I love about being around him... I can be as silly and weird as I want.
It’s playful and happy.

And while I suppressed feelings for jimmie long enough that when I was allowed to feel that I fell ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE with him very quickly... things with Viking boy are going slowly... and it bothered me at first because I didn’t have that intense emotional response.

But now it doesn’t. It actually makes me feel like I have more control over the situation and I feel more relaxed. I’m not getting the daydreams and fantasies... but I feel like this could grow to be a much more stable relationship.

I won’t worry about the future when it comes to him... going day by day seems to work and I’ll stick with that. It feels natural that way.

long overdue.

This post has been long overdue.

I am trying to leave my job because my boss sexually harasses me.
There.

I said it.


It all started out as innocent, albeit unprofessional, conversations about kink and bdsm - which came about after explaining that i give lectures and talks about it for the sociology program. Then it grew to discussing personal kinks and basic relationship discussions after work, where he went from being my boss to my friend. Talking about those things did not make me uncomfortable, they were very matter-of-fact and objective. Unprofessional - but acceptable and comfortable. And I realize that because of this, the situation is my fault. I opened up the topic.

Somewhere along the way, many months ago, I jokingly made the comment that if my relationship with Jimmie didn't work out I would consider being a sugar baby. This statement seemed to have triggered a domino effect; what was once unprofessional changed to inappropriate - especially after we broke up. Anytime I asked for something at work, if no servers or guests were around, he would make me ask for it in my "sugar baby voice" - which made me highly uncomfortable. Jokes about my romantic partners needing to spank me, which already caused mild discomfort, grew to jokes about me needing a spanking for almost anything I did while at work - or him spanking me himself which caused extreme discomfort.

However, even that was worth dealing with because the job was so valuable to me. I had dealth with sexual arassment through comments in the workplace in a previous job - I would bite the bullet again for a few more months until the restaurant closed. What pushed me to desire to leave was when he crossed a line. One night after work he gave me money to buy a new bra because he preferred seeing that i wore bras to work because of his lingerie fetish. Unprofessional - but whatever...IF that was all.

What was inappropriate was the fact that he put the money directly into the bra i was wearing. Then he asked for a hug... and he touched my ass. Rubbed it gently before allowing me to leave the hug.  Although disturbed I chalked it up to him having too much to drink that night and tried to shake off my intense unease. His comments continued after that and I hoped nothing more would ensue... however after kindly offering to let me have my therapy session at the restaurant so that he could be there in case I had a panic attack, he crossed the line again. When I told him that the session went well and that I was totally fine, I gave him a small hug to say "thank you for being willing to be there for me". I was still in an emotionally raw state, even if it was positive, and wasn't thinking clearly.

He touched my ass again. Patted it. However it was with enough force to make me remember all the comments he made about spanking me and I wanted to run away as fast as I could. So I pretty much did. Not long after that I came to work wearing the loosest of my work pants - pants that I had been wearing for the past several months. He was in a fine mood until I refused to tell him details about my sex life with my new partner - then he grew cross and told me my pants were not fit to wear to work and that I knew better. He was in an ill temper with everyone that night and he crossed another line. He gave me money and told me to buy a pair of new work pants "preferably a size too small so I can look at your cute butt" and another new bra. He also said he wanted pictures.

I was highly distressed. I felt like I couldn't say no and I repressed panic. I felt weak and by taking the money I felt dirty - like I was selling myself. I was so distressed that when I went home that night and I finally broke down and told someone that I couldn't stop crying. I went to leave, to be with a friend who was going to comfort me, but was crying too hard to see properly and I slipped.
I fell down, my foot and ankle caught in the stairs, and landed fully extended on the cement knee first.

I ended up with a sprained ankle and knee. I used the money he gave me to buy braces for them and to repay my friends for taking me to the ER.

He also has engaged in mild isolating manipulation. He intentionally tried to isolate me from my coworkers by refusing to let me help them with side work and setting up - saying that "at game night you can be buddy-buddy but here you have to be the bitch". This caused tension between the servers and me.

For all of this... I no longer feel comfortable working there. I want out. He gave me an opportunity to speak up, asking me:

 "Am I mean to you? Do I not treat you well?"

I wanted to be honest. I wanted to say that he made me uncomfortable all of the time and that he crossed a line. But I was worried, with his already foul mood, that it would cost me my job. Instead I told a truth.

"You are not mean to me, you look out for me," which was not a lie. He actively scheduled me for nights he knew I would make money. He and the chef had given me money for groceries when things were tight financially. He constantly inquired about my mental health. He even payed for some of my sessions ($10 in cash which I used for gas money since the payment plan for my sessions hadn't been set up yet).

But I wanted to cry. To scream. To throw all o f the shitty and inappropriate comments in his face. Instead I bit my tongue.

But I want to leave. I dread going to work. I dread the nights where he does't hide in his office the entire time... I dread the thought of him staying at the bar the entire time.

He has even started making comments to the servers that he hates it when significant others come to the bar and sit there all night to visit because its "distracting" - and yet he was totally fine if the SO was female because as he made it clear to me he has a wlw fetish. But since everyone working that night had male partners he suddenly had issues with it - ( I had earlier joked about viking boy coming to visit me).

What once was a job that served as a haven away from my stressful life, one I enjoyed with a boss I respected....has turned into yet another place I need a haven away from. It breaks my heart because I love that place and the chef and my coworkers. But I need to leave.

Hm.

Viking boy is growing on me.

Sad to think my emotional attachment depends on my mental bipolar state.

I was already suspicious that my nonchalance was due to my depressive episode but as I’m slowly coming out of it I find myself more and more warm to him.

There is def room for improvement as we continue to learn each other but while I fell asleep away from him holding Smokey, I woke up curled up in his arms.

And it’s so easy to just be silly and relaxed with him.

I love that I can just be a goofball and he thinks it’s cute.

Suicidal ideation post

Reasons why I’m fantasizing about refilling my lorazepam prescription, drawing a hot bubble bath, and taking the whole bottle:

• I’m being sexually harassed at work. What use to be my haven from everything has become what I need an escape from. 
• I’m stressed about money. All the time. Always. 
• My best friend isn’t talking to me and I don’t know why. 
• I’m still in love with Jimmie, and as long as I don’t think about it or him I’m okay but every time I do I want to collapse in tears. 
• I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to drink. 
• I’m always hungry and thirsty. 
• I’ve got this great guy who seems to have been sent to me from the gods who ha this almost child like adoration for me... and I can’t filly open myself to him because of ^^^.  I feel ungrateful. Guilty. It took him 2 times seeing me for him to know he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He seems innocent and sincere when it comes to me. I feel ashamed. 
• I’m going to school for something I have no interest or passion for. Doing the homework makes me want to scream. 
• I have no real goals or dreams for the future. 
• The one thing in life I’ve always wanted was love... and I can’t have it. While it is there, it is out of my reach leaving me cold and miserable. I turn away so I can’t see it and I feel it’s absence. I look and try to be around it and it hurts me more than I can put into words. 
• Self anger and resentment about my abusive relationships. I am weak. Which is also why I won’t kill myself.  

Things I have to live for 

- my cats; although others can easily take them in and care for them

- my mom; she would be a mess if I died. My sisters (and friends) would miss me, sure, but my mom would be wrecked. 

- Aaron; id leave him in a hard spot come July. 

- Lauren; she doesn’t have many in her support system-I don’t want to break it even further. 

Bad day

Woke up today and instantly knew I was in a depressive phase.

I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I wanted to cancel every plan I had made for this week.
I made myself cook but can’t make myself eat it.
I don’t want to be here.

I have no motivation to do my school work.
I don’t want to be alone but all my friends are busy and I have no one to haunt.

I feel lethargic.
Apathetic.

I felt it yesterday but it wasn’t full force... it is today.

I don’t want to stay cooped up in my room but my knee hurts too much to go for a walk. My laptop won’t charge downstairs for some reason. I don’t have enough money to run errands.

Fuck.

Stuck part 2: Hung up

So... things with Viking boy are going well. He’s met most of my friends who give their approval.
He meets my mom on Sunday.

I’ve met his grandparents.

He’s charming, and cute, and he likes similar music. He’s a father who obviously loves his son and niece. He’s fun. He’s great. I was so gung-ho about him...

What is wrong with me? It’s like I plateaued.

I keep comparing things to jimmie... things I miss that he use to do in the relationship. Granted I havnt given Viking boy much time to emerge patterns and such that might sweep me off my feet.

But I miss jimmie. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.
I like Viking boy. But I’m still hung up on my ex... and I think it’s preventing me from really opening up my heart to him.... mainly because someone else still has it.

I feel like I’m being unfair. Viking boy makes me smile and laugh. Makes me happy. I just need more time... he’s already introducing me as his girlfriend which... doesn’t bother me to be honest because I don’t really do dating without the labels. Sure it moved fast but it’s not like I was talking to anyone else really nor do I want to.

VB is great... but I’m still stuck.
I’m just not sad like before.

Take a step back

Yeah the other night was a fluke and I need everything to take step back.

I’m getting really caught up in this infatuation and I need to be careful.

I don’t want to fall back into old patterns of just jumping whenever someone seems like a good match... and then 3 months later I’m a reck.

However... the only thing I can think of that would honestly be a damper right now or a deal breaker would be him getting arrested or breaking his sobriety.

Unless those happen... I don’t see the harm in getting attached.
My cards say he’s sincere about doing better in his life and he actively working to better is life and move on from his past.

I don’t mind being a resource and part of that. S
Happy to do so.

But I have to keep a level head...
my heart needs to take a step back for a minute.

Rehearsal

1. Okay so, as much fun as the other night was I feel like it happened a bit faster than I’m actually comfortable with. In the moment it was fun and I was comfortable but as I reflect I get anxious about it. Would it be okay if we back tracked just a step?

2. Okay so, I’m kind of baffled about the other night. In 3 nights we blew through what would usually take me over a month to do. As comfortable as I was and how safe I feel with you, I feel like it was a bit too quick. Would it be okay if we slowed down a bit?

3. I’ve been thinking about the other night. I’m not use to things going so quickly; usually it would take me bare minimum a month to feel comfortable enough to have sex with someone. At least in the past it did. Fooling around is slightly different, but I feel like we had sex too soon? Could we please back track just a step and go a bit slower?

I feel the need to apologize because I feel like once I’ve given it, what right do I have to revoke it? But I don’t know if I’m comfortable going all the way again.

Love magic? (Warning sex talk)

So..... it took me a month of fooling around with Jimmie before I actually had sex with him.

Three days.

It took Viking boy three days.

It just kind of happened...
One minute we are making out, I’m in my onesie and comment that I’m getting too hot and then suddenly I’m half out of it. Then I’m all out of it.

With me down to my underhwere and him shirtless, he was content to just make out and tease me.
“I want to fuxk the shit out of you, but I don’t need to. I can do this all night”

He stopped when I needed a break. He helped me relax and in a matter of minutes he had me towing the line... and when I made him stop because I could g take it anymore he laughed and kissed me.
And oh boy. The man has a technique that is alarmingly successful.

But he didn’t feel the need to get off, he was content to just play with me.
I didn’t feel pressured. I felt comfortable. I was having fun. He was patient and understanding...

And we had sex at the end of it.

Oh. My gods. I don’t know what I was expecting but the giant Viking boy is proportional.



Three days? Man when love spells work they really work.