long overdue.

This post has been long overdue.

I am trying to leave my job because my boss sexually harasses me.
There.

I said it.


It all started out as innocent, albeit unprofessional, conversations about kink and bdsm - which came about after explaining that i give lectures and talks about it for the sociology program. Then it grew to discussing personal kinks and basic relationship discussions after work, where he went from being my boss to my friend. Talking about those things did not make me uncomfortable, they were very matter-of-fact and objective. Unprofessional - but acceptable and comfortable. And I realize that because of this, the situation is my fault. I opened up the topic.

Somewhere along the way, many months ago, I jokingly made the comment that if my relationship with Jimmie didn't work out I would consider being a sugar baby. This statement seemed to have triggered a domino effect; what was once unprofessional changed to inappropriate - especially after we broke up. Anytime I asked for something at work, if no servers or guests were around, he would make me ask for it in my "sugar baby voice" - which made me highly uncomfortable. Jokes about my romantic partners needing to spank me, which already caused mild discomfort, grew to jokes about me needing a spanking for almost anything I did while at work - or him spanking me himself which caused extreme discomfort.

However, even that was worth dealing with because the job was so valuable to me. I had dealth with sexual arassment through comments in the workplace in a previous job - I would bite the bullet again for a few more months until the restaurant closed. What pushed me to desire to leave was when he crossed a line. One night after work he gave me money to buy a new bra because he preferred seeing that i wore bras to work because of his lingerie fetish. Unprofessional - but whatever...IF that was all.

What was inappropriate was the fact that he put the money directly into the bra i was wearing. Then he asked for a hug... and he touched my ass. Rubbed it gently before allowing me to leave the hug.  Although disturbed I chalked it up to him having too much to drink that night and tried to shake off my intense unease. His comments continued after that and I hoped nothing more would ensue... however after kindly offering to let me have my therapy session at the restaurant so that he could be there in case I had a panic attack, he crossed the line again. When I told him that the session went well and that I was totally fine, I gave him a small hug to say "thank you for being willing to be there for me". I was still in an emotionally raw state, even if it was positive, and wasn't thinking clearly.

He touched my ass again. Patted it. However it was with enough force to make me remember all the comments he made about spanking me and I wanted to run away as fast as I could. So I pretty much did. Not long after that I came to work wearing the loosest of my work pants - pants that I had been wearing for the past several months. He was in a fine mood until I refused to tell him details about my sex life with my new partner - then he grew cross and told me my pants were not fit to wear to work and that I knew better. He was in an ill temper with everyone that night and he crossed another line. He gave me money and told me to buy a pair of new work pants "preferably a size too small so I can look at your cute butt" and another new bra. He also said he wanted pictures.

I was highly distressed. I felt like I couldn't say no and I repressed panic. I felt weak and by taking the money I felt dirty - like I was selling myself. I was so distressed that when I went home that night and I finally broke down and told someone that I couldn't stop crying. I went to leave, to be with a friend who was going to comfort me, but was crying too hard to see properly and I slipped.
I fell down, my foot and ankle caught in the stairs, and landed fully extended on the cement knee first.

I ended up with a sprained ankle and knee. I used the money he gave me to buy braces for them and to repay my friends for taking me to the ER.

He also has engaged in mild isolating manipulation. He intentionally tried to isolate me from my coworkers by refusing to let me help them with side work and setting up - saying that "at game night you can be buddy-buddy but here you have to be the bitch". This caused tension between the servers and me.

For all of this... I no longer feel comfortable working there. I want out. He gave me an opportunity to speak up, asking me:

 "Am I mean to you? Do I not treat you well?"

I wanted to be honest. I wanted to say that he made me uncomfortable all of the time and that he crossed a line. But I was worried, with his already foul mood, that it would cost me my job. Instead I told a truth.

"You are not mean to me, you look out for me," which was not a lie. He actively scheduled me for nights he knew I would make money. He and the chef had given me money for groceries when things were tight financially. He constantly inquired about my mental health. He even payed for some of my sessions ($10 in cash which I used for gas money since the payment plan for my sessions hadn't been set up yet).

But I wanted to cry. To scream. To throw all o f the shitty and inappropriate comments in his face. Instead I bit my tongue.

But I want to leave. I dread going to work. I dread the nights where he does't hide in his office the entire time... I dread the thought of him staying at the bar the entire time.

He has even started making comments to the servers that he hates it when significant others come to the bar and sit there all night to visit because its "distracting" - and yet he was totally fine if the SO was female because as he made it clear to me he has a wlw fetish. But since everyone working that night had male partners he suddenly had issues with it - ( I had earlier joked about viking boy coming to visit me).

What once was a job that served as a haven away from my stressful life, one I enjoyed with a boss I respected....has turned into yet another place I need a haven away from. It breaks my heart because I love that place and the chef and my coworkers. But I need to leave.