Thursday, October 24, 2019

Suicidal ideation post

Reasons why I’m fantasizing about refilling my lorazepam prescription, drawing a hot bubble bath, and taking the whole bottle:


  • I’m being sexually harassed at work. What use to be my haven from everything has become what I need an escape from. 
  • I’m stressed about money. All the time. Always. 
  • My best friend isn’t talking to me and I don’t know why. 
  • I’m still in love with Jimmie, and as long as I don’t think about it or him I’m okay but every time I do I want to collapse in tears. 
  • I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to drink. 
  • I’m always hungry and thirsty. 
  • I’ve got this great guy who seems to have been sent to me from the gods who ha this almost child like adoration for me... and I can’t filly open myself to him because of ^^^.  I feel ungrateful. Guilty. It took him 2 times seeing me for him to know he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He seems innocent and sincere when it comes to me. I feel ashamed. 
  • I’m going to school for something I have no interest or passion for. Doing the homework makes me want to scream. 
  • I have no real goals or dreams for the future. 
  • The one thing in life I’ve always wanted was love... and I can’t have it. While it is there, it is out of my reach leaving me cold and miserable. I turn away so I can’t see it and I feel it’s absence. I look and try to be around it and it hurts me more than I can put into words. 
  • Self anger and resentment about my abusive relationships. I am weak. Which is also why I won’t kill myself.  
Things I have to live for 
- my cats; although others can easily take them in and care for them
- my mom; she would be a mess if I died. My sisters (and friends) would miss me, sure, but my mom would be wrecked. 
- Aaron; id leave him in a hard spot come July. 
- Lauren; she doesn’t have many in her support system-I don’t want to break it even further. 

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