Long time. update.

 a lot has happened over the last 4 months. Ihavnt been blogging because i have been processing it as best as i can.

I continued to see viking boy. I fund out he cheted on me with chandler of all people backwhen i saw my mom in march. I tried to forgive hm nd move past it byt within a week of us trying to work through it he was all over chandler 2.0 so i called things off with him. The next night he was posting selfies with both of them. the night after that he started bringing chandler 2.0 home. We havnt spoken. I am trying to move on. Its a lot.

I started a new job. The pay is great but the hours are very isolating. Its a very emotionally draining job and i honestly do not like it very much... but i am being groomed for a supervisor position and i do think i will like that a lot. 

I developed a crush on my boss and she had some interest in me too, but since she was my boss nothing could happen. She just recently left and now we ae allowed to hang out. But shes very hot/cold and hard to read so im not sure what the plan is or quite how to navigate moving forward. I def have a crush on her, i want to get to know her more, and i definitley am sensually attracted to her. I just don't know if she can handle my level of weird or if she is okat with going as slow as i need. I dont know how well she would do with my drag family lol or any of my kinks. I get all flustered and shy around her - like a little school girl. 

on the other hand Ashley is back. Miss We-meet-up-once -a-year-and-flirt-for-a-month-and-dont-speak-for-another-year but has actually startd hanging around more, we've hung out a few times . She actually just let go of her ex too and is in a similar boat to me as far as emotions go. I thought it was just friendly at first but now i'm not sure? I am definitely comfortable and familiar with her and i know she would get along with my drag family. 

One i have a huge crush on. The other i am very comfortable with. Both are in a weird place that i don't know how to navigate and frankly i am not rushing to pursue anything. I am happy to be around both of them. When…. Let’s call her the carpenter/former boss says jump, i say how high? but i think thats because she is so new to me. I feel like she is out f my league and i guess i am worried she will realize that im too weird or broken and lose interest? which on one hand is good because it saves time but on the other is  disappointing. I dont have that fear with ashley but at the same time my heart doesn't beat like crazy around her and i don't get the butterflies the way i do with the carpenter.  

Carpenter is like riding a roller coaster for the first time and ashley is like slipping into a heated pool/hottub. both have their perks and are enjoyable. but im not sure how to proceed in either direction.

lets see... i moved. i am now in a 2 bedroom apartment. I am really on the fence about if i want to find a rooomate or not. Lexi lives nt even 5 minutes down the road from me, and my old boss justin lives within 5 minutes as well, so i am not nearly as alone. 

i'm debating getting a dog, but i also dont want to stress smokey out. 

I miss brightness. (daltons dog that i have known since she was born).

I miss him. i hate that i do.. but i do. I know that its a line that can never be crossed again. But i also miss the friend i hd in him, even if he was kind of a shtty one sometimes. Most of my fiends have been at one time or another.

i have decided that i am going to try to get back into writing. I'll write up the races and cultures and back ground info for my world. Might even try to make it a website. Then when this dnd campaign is finally done i'll run it how it was supposed to have been ran. 

once i a back in the practice and habit of writing i will try to go back to school. Now whether thats for a BA in communications and a minor in lit or a MFA in creative writing..... idk. but i think i will reignite the idea of being a developmental editor. 

Family

 Family

Last night I dreamed about Family. 

I dreamed that I went out to Christies with Dalton, and when I looked out on the patio I saw my families sitting at tables next to each other.  My drag Family was at one table but I noticed that Jimmie was sitting at the corner and I felt uncomfortable. A little sad that I couldn't go sit with them. 

at the other table, for some reason everyone was in town; Momma, Otis, Racheal were sitting together. I was super excited and about to grab the door to come out when cara arrived and I stopped. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and knew that if I went out there and sat with them that she and I would end up fighting. She had also taken up the last free chair at the table. 

Sad and deflated I took a seat at the bar and watched my families laugh and joke from afar. Dalton sat beside me, telling me to go out there anyway and not to let anyone stop me, but I didn't want to cause fights. If I wasn't going to fight for my place in the family, then I needed to start one of my own.

I woke up reflecting on this. 

Now I'm not saying it means starting a family in the sense of having children. I know I'm not ready for that. And I have started a family... or rather joined one through the drag troupe. I don't know... I guess I'm feeling alienated from both families. I feel a bit alienated with the drag family since i'm the only burlesque dancer and not a  drag performer. I worry that they don't see me as one of them, despite the assurances they give. My drag auntie did reach out to me and say congratulations for being a booked performer now, so that was nice though. I love Twixie <3

I really want to talk to my mom but she's been super busy.. and part of me wonders if she is mad at me for finally cutting off cara. Which would be a bit hypocritical but understandable from a mother's perspective. That could just be paranoia though... I don't know how Cara may have twisted things. She's very good at playing the victim. Maybe it's just the distance... with momma and Racheal being so far away. I don't know. I miss my family. 

With Aaron and Cecilia gone and Amy back in school and about to start her own family... I feel like she is about to get pregnant soon... My original witchy family has sort of fallen/drifted apart. 

I don't really know what to do. 

change

 Okay so...

I went on 3 dates with Princess and even casually I don't think we are compatible enough to keep seeing each other on a romantic basis. She's cute and sweet but there just isn't enough in common. SoI need to figure out how to communicate that. 

Jo (another person I've been on a date/hangout with a few times, has a lot more incommon with me. I don't feel any kind of spark but i do feel really comfortable with her, so I might see her once a week depending....

on my new job! 

That's right folks. I'm starting a new job. 

A few weeks ago I was put on notice for mistakes I had been making (and being blamed for) and for being off task - which is ironic because for the most part I rarely have a task to be on. Well I panicked. I applied to and inquired about over 30 jobs and they have started reaching back out to me. 

I was given an offer in a sales call center; with base pay + commission I will be making 15+ an hour overall, after 60 days I qualify for benefits including health insurance and PTO. I will have a varied schedule of any day of the week ranging from 8am-12am (with 2 15min breaks AND an hour lunch), which is nice, their dress code doesn't seem to prohibit colored hair and is a casual dress code (any leisure/lounge wear must have a tunic length shirt to cover the rump)  AND... the kicker... after a few weeks they want me to apply to be a supervisor. which means a higher base pay on top of commissions. 

The company culture there is AMAZING. people seem GENUINELY happy there, everyone had a smile on their face, and they are especially inclusive and welcoming to the queer community. 

I feel super guilty about leaving my coworkers... I'll really miss some of them. But I'm also super excited about this change. 

Princess

 Princess

Okay so hear me out... I matched with this girl on tinder. Lets call her... Princess. Well Princess didn't start out flirting with me like most tinder matches do; instead of calling me cute or telling me i'm pretty every other sentence (which I hate) she actually had conversations with me. So I invited her to my BURLESQUE DEBUT (WHICH WENT AMAZING - THE CROWD LOVED ME) and she couldn't make it. However she was smooth... "I don't think I can make it tonight, but if you're free tomorrow we can grab coffee and you can tell me all about it?"

So I did. 

And we talked for 3 hours like it was nothing... the only reason I ended that coffee date was I had to feed my cats and I had made plans to go swimming with Ellis and Cy. So I invited her to that as well because neither of us wanted to end the date yet. 

We ended up talking for another 3 hours. It was awesome. 

Overall she is definitely someone I could see myself hanging out with more; maybe super casually dating, but idk if I could see myself with her long term. There were things I really liked about her, some things that were cute, and some things I was like "eh.."  - But def would help me finally move on from Viking Boy once and for all - and become JUST friends with him without the benefits. Potentially. I'm not ready to pull the plug on that yet, I only just met Princess. 

Also, i call her princess because she works part time as a disney princess for kids parties - she's also obsessed with disney and wants to work there after she graduates. Which is awesome - she wants to do event planning or like convention planning there; she's getting her BS in hospitality management. 

I feel like she would also be a good person for me to experiment with to try and get more comfortable with interacting with women.. physically, as she is also very inexperienced and has similar trauma to me. So I don't have to worry about needing to go slow, because so would she (IF it were to progress. Again, I have only just met her.) She also thinks she is on the ace spec (She thinks she falls closer to demi) so we were able to relate to eachother in our lack of interest growing up and have similar views on things. 

She knows nothing about kink or bdsm, so I think I will introduce her to a few concepts simply because they helped me a LOT when I was first experimenting with sex. (mostly the use of safe words and knowing that it's okay to stop, slow down, etc. I personally found being submissive to be stress relieving but that isn't something I think I would start out with seeing as we are both newbies in this field. I think I'll mostly bring in safe words and active communication generally used before scenes.) 

Shes more of a comedy, fantasy, and adventure kind of girl when it comes to media; so that means teen drama shows or comedies like brooklyn 99. She LOVES fantasy though so that means we can watch siren, witcher, and some other shows too. No dark crime shows or scary movies (sad) unless they are monster flicks - but thats what I have my clowns for :3 

Shes got potential to be a really cool casual partner, but again - I only just met her. 

It was just a really good date. 

bdsm theory

 Ya wanna know a theory I have? 

I feel like most burnt-out overwhelmed/underwhelmed former gifted kids who grow up to develop a praise kink/dom-sub dynamic... do it because being told "good job/girl/boy" "well done" and completing schooled tasks and receiving a reward... gives the same feeling and dose of serotonin that getting a good grade on a test use to give us. 

I just want that A. only now, instead of getting an A on a test for studying and working hard... I earn a beer or a night out at the bar. 

"You've more than earned it" 

That just made me illogically happy and feel good about myself. 

Sorrow and Rage

 Lex's mother has been murdered. 

It wasn't out of the blue.

It wasn't random. 

It could have been prevented. 

Her Landlord has a son who recently was released for rape. 

He took an interest in Lexi's mom and began to harass her. 

Then he started threatening her and her daughter that was still living with her because she wouldn't give him attention or meet up with him. - she had proof of that. 

She went to her landlord for help and they told her to just do what he wanted. - she had proof of that. 

She went to the police for help and they turned her away saying there was nothing she could do. 

She went to the magistrate to try to get a restraining order. 

She did everything she was suppose to. 

He killed her last night with her daughter locked in the bathroom calling 911. 

As a friend I am full of sorrow at the loss my friend is going through. I am helpless in that there is nothing I can do but love her through this. 

As a daughter I am horrified for the children she leaves behind. 

As a sister my heart shattered when I learned the daughter who was there didn't find out until today that her mom died from the shot. 

As a woman I am enraged that in our justice system this was able to happen. 

she did everything she was suppose to. 

She was killed because no one would do anything. 

Domestic Violence and Harassment victims are turned away... and then when they are murdered suddenly "if only she had done this..." She did. 

Fucking useless. The justice system is fucking useless. 

No one is going to help you when the time comes. 

I need to get a gun. A bat. Something. 

I need to be ready. 

I hope her murderer, who tried to blow his brains out when the police FINALLY arrived, lies and makes it through. I hope he is in severe pain the rest of his miserable life. I hope he rots in a cell and is beaten daily. 

I hope the landlords are arrested and charged as well. 

I hope the police who turned her away lose their jobs. 

I wish them all the suffering that they have caused. 

I am full of rage and sorrow. 

Depressed and On a Schedule

 So... because I have hit a depressive episode that I can no longer be in denial about (hopefully won't last long) due to the stress and uncertainty of work, finances, being lonely, and the debilitating uncertainty of my future... I need to make a schedule to be functioning and pull myself out of it. Almost like a lifestyle prescription. And yes - this is for a bdsm dynamic; a friend has offered to take on a dom caretaker role until I come out of my depression to make sure I follow the schedule. 

(Ironically I have a rigid schedule I keep when feeding the cats but can't seem to do it for myself)

Daily Schedule/Requirements

- Meals:

     - 2 meals a day (one main and one side - popcorn is not a meal!)

     - at least one vegetable - will require proof (picture)

     - and one fruit (water with lime as a substitute) - will require proof (picture).

     - Have at least 2 glasses of water - will require proof (picture). 

- Take medication - will require proof (picture)

- Read for 30 minutes a day 

- Light deity candle 

- Shower/Wash my face on days I don't shower. 

- Exercise once a day 30 minutes (Dance, walk, swim, yoga) probably after work and before I hang out or before bed.  - Walk on the weekends (with amy? Dalton and the pup? borrow Val?)

- Sing at least 2 songs a day (can be in the car, shower, etc)

- Errands (will need to be asked what is needed each day and run to the store after work before coming home. Groceries, Walmart, goodwill, etc.)

Weekly Schedule/Requirements

- Chores:

      - Cat litter (tuesdays) 

      - Trash (Mondays minimum)

      - Dishes (mondays minimum - even if not a full load; Thursdays if monday is missed)

      - Sweep (Thursdays before D&D)

     **All chores must be done within an hour of being home from work. 

- Create Menu for the upcoming week (Fridays with Brigid - provide proof)

- Meal Prep if needed (make rice, boil eggs, wash fruit, etc) - Demter

- Work on a writing prompt or journal once a week. (With Lilith)

- Do a reading once a week minimum - with the host, for tiktok, for friends, etc. (With Maeve)

- Do a weekly sigil (sunday night/monday)

- Light candle for each deity once a week each day(will need to make a schedule). 

- Bathe 2-3 times a week. (let's say... saturdays and wednesdays minimum)

- Self care day - Once a week I must have a day devoted to self care (facemask, bubble bath, groom,  fully moisturize. Can do it on Aine's candle day.)

** As long as weekly requirements are met on/by Friday I can still receive a reward. 

Rewards:

- TV (the goal is to replace some of my TV time with creative activities, so if i want TV I must meet daily requirements)

- Drinks! (earn a beer when hanging out if I meet daily requirements or a night out at the bar if I meet all requirements for the week)

- Cuddles/Video Games with Dalton (Fridays after drinks at the bar)

So Far: 

Sunday - Demeter

- Meal Prep/Grocery store

- Make sigil to manifest for the week

Monday - Lilith

- Trash

- Dishes

- Journal 

Tuesday

- Cat Litter

Wednesday - Maeve

- Card readings

- Bathe (bath or shower)

Thursday

- Dishes

- Brigid's Candle after 7 pm .. or... 

Friday - Brigid 

- ... Brigid's candle before 7pm

- Menu Planning

- Drinks!!! Weekly Reward!

Saturday - Aine

- self care - groom, moisturize, face mask

- bath/shower with salts or bubbles

Crystal Mirror Prompt

 Reflective journal/shadow work

Who or what is triggering you? What is it in you that they are triggering?

- Cara - even though I have all but removed her negative influence from my life she is still a trigger for me. I feel shame at how I treated her when I was younger and unstable, and anger that she used that shame to hurt me even after we had talked about it and put it in the past. The fact that she wishes failure on me and was excited to see me fail still hurts me, her manipulation and venomous countenance still bites at me even though i'm no longer open to hear it. 

I also mourn the relationship that I thought I would have with her; there was a period of about a year where we actually seemed to be doing better. I got my hopes up about - not being *close* but at least having a relationship with her. I am sad that it never got to be. I'm also proud of myself for finally closing myself off from her toxicity.

 As much as she hates my grandmother she is a lot like her. From how my grandmother treated Cara and my mom, Cara demonstrates a lot of it. Verbal and emotional abuse/manipulation, chronic victim syndrome, narcissistic characteristics (although caras is followed by deep pits of low self esteem which leans more toward histrionic personality disorder than full narcissism), neglect (my grandmother neglected my mom, Cara neglects her pets). They both say hurtful things for the sake of hurting the other person and feeling powerful/better about themselves. Both brag about being able to cut off family members. (I'm still laughing at how Cara thought cutting me out of her life would be a punishment.) I may have inherited my grandmother's mental illness; but Cara inherited some of her toxicity too. 

- Jimmie - Seeing Jimmie at the drag show and him now knowing I work at them has triggered some of my ptsd symptoms. I have become hypervigilant. I am depressed. I found something that brought me genuine joy and now it feels as though it's been tainted. I feel angry that my safe space has been invaded. I feel rage that he continued to make a point to show he wanted to talk to me; giving me the kicked puppy look that actually makes me want to kick him in the face. I caught him aiming his phone at me when he thought I wasn't looking; it was in the opposite direction of the performer. Anytime I would go outside it seemed he and his group would too. When I came back inside to avoid him... low and behold they would too. His very presence there makes me want to scream. 

- Viking Boy - I am not in love with him anymore; the cord cutting worked. I am still sleeping with him on occasion but I do not crave intimacy with him the way I used to. While the cuddling we do seems to be more sincere than before, the intimacy from sex feels hollow. It makes me lonely. Being around him in a friendly capacity is fine, but when things become more than platonically intimate it feels nice in the moment but leaves me feeling empty. I miss being in love, and the love I use to feel for him nt being there while our actions seem to mimic it makes me sad. I long to have a partner. FwB works better for us than dating ever did; and I am fine with that. But it just reminds me why fwb situations never last for me. I miss that connection. I go through phases where I'm fine with how things are and then again I'll feel lonely; then I'm fine again. This is just a lonely phase.  

With seeing Jimmie more often, I seem to see him driving around town all the time now, and dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions with Viking Boy, I keep revisiting the best and worst part of my relationship with both men. It leaves me with a strong desire to find something that keeps the best parts but is better even during its low points. I have strong desires for certain things in my next relationship and yet I feel utterly hopeless at finding it. I can't picture myself with another ma - in fact most men make me want to just run the other direction;  I can't picture myself with a woman; I can't picture myself with anyone... and I know some of this is the depression talking but as important as romance is to me.. it's just an empty hole right now. It hurts and there is no way to fill it. 

- Work - I am miserable at my job. If I have learned anything from working at PIP its that while I enjoy financial stability; I hate having a 9-5. I like having a regular schedule but I miss having varied timed shifts. I would rather work 3 12 hour shifts, or 4 10 hour shifts and have more days off. Or I'd rather work earlier in the morning/later at night and have more time off during the day. I miss interacting with a wide spectrum of people and developing relationships with them. I miss the freedom of working in the service industry. If I could get assurance that I would make enough money to get by and be comfortable I would return to bartending in a heartbeat. I am very very tempted to apply for a bartending/serving job at a burger joint rather than take the comfy bank job. The bank job would give me more stability and my weekends off but the bartending job would give me more time during the day and the freedom to be more relaxed and true to myself in my appearance. In either case I will be doing burlesque. 

But the 9-5 jobs make me feel stuck, suffocated, bored, and miserable. I want to actually WORK when I'm at work... not sit and do nothing for 3-6 hours a day. I would rather be overworked than understimulated. I don't need something complicated to do, but I need SOMETHING to do. At least someplace that lets me read or write or research in my free time without threat of being fired. 

I feel like there is no happy medium, I have an ultimatum... choose a job that will provide greater happiness or choose a job that will provide financial stability. There are no in betweens .. not in Greenville, anyway. 

- Location - I want to leave Greenville. This mostly stems from the desire to  not be one of those people that never leave their hometown and the fact that I feel stuck here. I feel like the people here are limited; I have limited opportunities for finding a relationship that actually suits me, I feel like I'm stuck in bad habits and changing locations could help me break them. It's like I'm stuck in an endless loop while I'm here and I want to break the cycle. I also love the water and ocean and the idea of living on the coast. I want to find a more accepting and varied community. I want more queer folk. I want more pagans. I want more kindness. I am so tired of all the ignorance here - although I know it's an issue that runs deep in America, not just this city. I long for a more progressive environment.. It's stagnant here. And now all of my money I had saved up to move to Wilmington is gone. 

I know things happen for a reason. Either I am not meant to move to Wilmington or it was the wrong time for it. But without a plan to leave I have no plans for the future. My present moment seems hopeless, chaotic, and lost... the future is what I was clinging to. Although I suppose it was naive and romantic of me to think that just changing locations would help me overcome my undisciplined lifestyle issues with my health and spirituality, I also hoped maybe finding others like me would help me get better. Greenville is so limited. I don't know how much longer I will stay here so I don't know what plans to make. I'm just lost. and it's triggering hopelessness within me. 

What part of you longs to be witnessed? 

This is a loaded question and I do not yet know how to answer that. It will require greater reflection. 

Explained

 Finances

Okay so I lost a money order that had my rent. I requested to have it refunded but was told the wrong form. I found out what the right form is and it's a longer process to both fill out the form and wait to see if I have done enough. I am not hopeful. 

I also challenged the charge through my bank, who gave me the money temporarily while they looked into whether they could cancel the order. They cannot and they will be taking the money back. I had put the money in my savings so that will deplete it by $500. 

And then SOMEHOW and I have absolutely no idea how, my $50 credit card payment was changed to $1100 and some. Wiping out my checking account completely. So I had to take a grand out of my savings to be able to withstand all of my automatic payments of the month. 

In two weeks my 2K in savings, that I had worked hard to save up for my move to wilmington is gone. I want to cry. I want to throw up at how much I have lost. But we survive. 

I have enough on my EBT to feed me for the next several months. 

I will be putting all expenses that are not automatic payments on my credit card; including next month's rent since I can pay it through paypal - that should help make up for the missing money order rent check. 

I will get through this and rebuild my savings one step at a time. 

I want to cry. It seems whenever I finally start to get my life in order and things are relatively stable and good... I get hit in the wallet and crippled financially. First its my car. then its my car. then its a lost rent check. then its a gross over payment on debt. 

I can't seem to win. 

postponed.

 I don't know what i'm going to do.

I won't be getting the refund for my lost money order. The bank won't refund the transaction. There was some mixup in my payments for my credit card that essentially paid my credit card out in full... leaving me nothing in my checking account. so i've had to transfer money from savings to my checking. 

and now i'm loosing the temporary 500$ that the bank had given me while they debated refunding the transaction. so I now no longer have any money to move to wilmington. 

I went from having 2 grand in my savings to 500. in the span of two weeks. 

i'm. i'm just. lost. 

what the fuck. 

2 important updates - update 2

 update number 2

The second update is that I have established boundaries from Cara. 

I do not wish to see what she does so I unfollowed her on all social media. 

As she cannot seem to go 5 minutes without trash talking me to mutual friends, I have also blocked her from seeing my social media and from seeing any of my coming accomplishments - no need to see me do well when she is so convinced I am going to fail. I don't want or need her negative commentary and judgment. 

If you cannot have a conversation with someone for more than 5 minutes without them saying something incredibly judgmental, small and narrow minded, rude, invalidating, manipulative, or intentionally hurtful... you don't need that person.  I can only think of two times that I have been around her for more than 3-5 minutes that she didn't act like a bitch in the past 2 years. Lately despite the fact that I have been HELPING her she has made it her mission to do nothing but see me fail and cause me misery. She does nothing but speak venom to me and I'm tired of letting in her poison. 

After the last "fight" (She insinuated I am a threat to myself and those around me because I have bipolar and of a blog post I wrote YEARS ago while unstable... pretty sure I already wrote a post about it... all I did was stand up for myself) she decided she was going to punish me and "make me regret" fighting with her by cutting me out of her life... talk about narcissism. 

She wants to punish me for ACTUALLY standing my ground, which I chose not to do in front of her guest, and instead texted it to her so as not to cause a scene and embarrass her the way she embarrassed me. All I did was actually stand up for myself to her personal attack on my character, invalidation of my hard work, and all around cuntiness. So she ran her mouth and started telling people she has no problem cutting family off and she was going to cut me off to make me "regret fighting" with her. 

oh no... the emotional abuser and entitled chronic victim who can't seem to have a single conversation without purposefully hurting me is going to stop talking to me.... sometimes, the trash takes itself out. 

I do not feel she has any right to my life, especially seeing as she talks as much shit about me every chance she can to our mutual friends, so I have no problem blocking her on my social media. She still has my phone number in case of a life or death emergency. 

I hope I am wrong, but with the way she is living she is spiralling down for a crash landing on rock bottom and I am not offended that she has revoked my front row seat. I don't want to see her struggle; I don't want to know; she is no longer my problem. I hope I am wrong and that she gets her shit together. 

She came yesterday to get her asshole of a cat and started trying to talk shit about her roommate being pagan. So I made the comment that as long as she didn't insult the girl's religion then it shouldn't be a problem and she got so offended, asking if I was assuming she would be the one to make it a problem. Coming from first hand experience living with her, I matter of factly said "yes". So she got her shit and her cat, called me an asshole, and left. 

and as far as I am concerned she has left my life and I am free of her toxicity. 

2 important updates - update 1

 Two Updates to report. 

The First:

Friday I was given notice at work; I've made too many mistakes and I've been too off task. One more mishap and I will be let go. 

I have a lot of feelings about this. 

1) Panic. Pure Panic. I have never been fired before. I don't know how this will affect my future. I'm moving in 3-5 months; what kind of job will hire me for that?

2) Irritation; on one hand if they actually gave me enough tasks to be "be on" then I wouldn't ever be off task. I'm sorry I can't sit and do nothing but stare out of a window for hours on end. If they think me going back to staring out of a window for hours is going to reduce my mistakes they are mistaken - it will in fact do the opposite. (Without enough to do, I hyperfocus. When I hyperfocus but get interrupted [ by the phone - it's always the phone] my brain goes blank and THAT is where I make mistakes. But If I am constantly busy, then I multitask and don't hyperfocus. 

NOT TO MENTION that they moan about needing someone in bindery, experienced or willing to learn, yet every time I ask to be taught or if I can help in bindery I get told "no, we need you up front". OBVIOUSLY I don't seem to be doing that great upfront!

3) Rage; yes I have been making mistakes lately. But I know one of the major contributing factors is that there was a REALLY big order that we had to do for free because of miscommunication and bad time management... the miscommunication was NOT on my end as after I took the initial order and initial graphics new information and graphics were sent to another person, and I was no lumber connected to or had anything to do with the order other than being notified that everything was then being sent to this other person. But guess who everyone found a way to blame it on. 

4) Indignation; I should have fucking left them when I had the chance. But they were/are suffering and floundering ever since Matthew, and let's face it - Madison, left. I didn't want to screw them up anymore than what was already happening, especially because if I left another coworker said she was going to leave. She probably still will leave when I'm fired and she has to do what I do as well, since I have to help her through taking orders and understanding how to write certain things up. 

5) Annoyance;.... Really? I will move in 3 months. You can't wait 3 months? You say I'm too important to take away from the front but can't wait just 3 months to fire me?

...

So I have applied to a call center; I won't feel bad about leaving that in 3-5 months. 

I've applied to a bank teller job here in greenville; it will at least pay me better than what I make here (which I desperately need) and I should be able to transfer to another branch after I move. 

I also applied for a bank teller manager position in Wilmington; I really hope I get that one because ideally I would train at and then work a regular teller job in a greenville branch and then have the higher job when I move. 

I've also got Mary Beth's mom going through her network to see about finding me a cheaper place to live in Wilmington/Leland which would be a godssend. 

Because even just having my rent as low as 750 instead of 850 means I could get approval for an apartment while making only 27000; although I would aim to make more. That's $520 a week to get approval for a place to live. Anything lower than that in rent and I would be golden. 

But yeah, that's update 1. 

DID OR OSDD: DOES IT MATTER? by Carolyn Spring | 5 August 2020

I just read an article about OSDD and DID, the differences, and similarities... and I can only say that it was one of the most reassuring things I have read. 

 here is the link if you want to read it. If you are an important person in my life, then I would appreciate it if you would take the time to read it. 

https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/did-or-osdd-does-it-matter/?unapproved=1631176&moderation-hash=7a8651e9eeca0184139b271ed446e9f6#comment-1631176

I have been made by others to feel invalid. I have struggled with placing my alters because there is less distinction between them than some of the others I have seen in people. 

I've recently learned that I have more selves/alters than I thought, as before anytime I felt someone who wasn't 100% me, I just grouped in with Fiona. I know now that is not the case thanks to the help of some other friends who have OSDD as well. 

i am a spectrum. A scale. 

One one end I have a self that Fiona calls "the flower child". She herself has not taken a name. 

Both my friends and several other people I have met online have named their systems so I feel its fair to do so as well. 

The Court System

Seelie Court/Unseelie Court

100/0 - Flower Child

90/10 - Flower Child

80/20 - Flower Child

70/30 - "Seelie Lisa"

60/40 - ***This is my natural state most days  ------

50/50 - *** this is a natural state most days.          II- Lisa

40/60 - ***this is a natural state most days.     ------

30/70 - "Unseelie Lisa"

20/80 - Fiona **Fiona's usual state. 

10/90 - Fiona

0/100 - Fiona and I have VERY fuzzy to no memory. 

Fiona is very distinctly different from me. Flower Child... she is less strikingly different but she is different enough that I can tell when I'm her, my thinking changes, and I sometimes don't recognize my own name. Fiona and I have cohabitation for so long that she can pretend to be me so well almost no one can spot her. 

There is also a "little" inside me who doesn't ever come out and who doesn't speak. My friends brought her out once and she was scared. No distinct age, but younger. She had very bad handwriting and didn't like being in the spotlight. 

90% of the time I am me. Generally the farthest I get is Seelie/Unseelie Lisa; Fiona goes in and out of "sleep" as she is mostly preoccupied with threats, danger, and survival. She was asleep for most of my relationship with Dalton, as she entrusted my safety to him. She is awake now. 

mixed feelings

 Mixed feelings

It is not uncommon for me to question my attachments when I make new friends as to the nature of my affections; is this a squish (when you REALLY like someone in a platonic way) or a crush (when you REALLY like someone in a romantic way)? Generally all I am aware of is that I feel really affectionate for the person in question. 

It becomes even more of a question as to how I feel when the new friend is queer. 

It is so odd that when I make queer friends that i just absolutely love, I want to kiss them or feel comfortable with the idea of it. It's not sexual in nature at all. It's not like I want to jump into bed with them, although i'm not sure how I would react if that was poised. #thankyoutrauma 

But I've recently grown really close with 3 queer friends, like really close. Especially with 2 of them. One I really enjoy just cuddling with and holding hands, platonic love is there. If they wanted kisses? For sure would provide, but it is definitely a platonic love/attraction. 

The other has an energy about them that has caused me some confusion... I experience sensual attraction to them that makes me question if it is a crush or just a squish. 

I get along with the third and I feel more of a platonic affection for them, although depending which alter is fronting that can change to a sensual attraction as well. 

Confusion. 

Platonic is blatant friendship. 

When sensual attraction gets mixed in... it's still a friendship for sure, but then I do not know if I am developing a crush or not. I am in confusion. 

I don't think I am developing romantic feelings but I definitely have a lot of love for them. I am comfortable with the idea of cuddling, kissing, etc. but I still feel platonic affection at the moment. It could also be a power dynamic thing too... this person is a dominant and its been a while since I had someone I could be bratty with even platonically and just for fun. 

lots of mixed feelings. 

Haunted - PTSD Poem

 Haunted

I remember blackening vision... freezing cold, my skin exposed.  

my body still as the fear took hold,

my lungs aching as they begged for air

and I could not inhale to provide it. 

the ice radiating from the cold appliance that she ran up and down my legs

before prying them apart;

Tried as I might, my frozen body watched helplessly as they fell to the side and 

I lied there open; my mouth sewn shut, invisible thread and chains holding me hostage.

I begged to leave this place, unable to watch it happen, a broken mind complied and all goes dark.

Now as I lay beneath a warm body, in raptures, 

the heat of their touch welling up inside me as it grows to fruition, 

I feel a prick of pain and my world is once again cold and dark, 

I am back in chains and ice. 

I will my haunted mind to exorcise the memory, 

let me lie with this love. I am safe. 

But no longer is it their gentle hands that are inside me, 

she has clawed her way from the shadows and possessed me once more. 

The cat holding my tongue with sharp claws sunken deep into the flesh

hissing that if I open my mouth to cry out

"something is wrong" "I need to stop" "this hurts" "i don't want to do this anymore!"

I will have ruined everything and it will all be my fault. 

My mind screams silently, salt water burns my eyes like acid as I bite down.

I try to hide my wimpers of pain into the pillow and will my body to comply. 

I love this person, I can't ruin this. The heat of pain and pleasure is too much, but

it is only as my body violently shakes, racked with sobs, that I force the word out of my mouth.

"venus!"

I lie there trapped between worlds, 

the warm embrace of a lover pulling me back to the land of the living 

while my mind is stuck in the past. My eyes see everything and nothing. 

I've ruined it. They will leave now, and once again I will be alone in the dark

chained in ice with her ghost. 

Unsure of whether it is safer to die in the darkness, 

my body shakes and my soul struggles to break free. 

At last I see light and warmth returns to my limbs, 

I move trembling fingers, encircling them in the ropes of my lover's hair,

burrowing, I breathe them in; their presence giving me life. 

"You're okay. I'm right here. You are safe." 

The warm and gentle words caress my ears, wrapping my mind in a weighted blanket. 

my eyes pleadingly search their face, still needing proof that not all is lost.

"I'm not mad."

Those words banish the remnants of her from my mind and body.

limp and quiet, I remember the promise from my goddess

no longer need I fear the hands of a lover,

Still I wonder, how long will I be haunted?

*********

i am so incredibly frustrated. This poem came to my while I was doign some bindery work and was unable to write it down as the words presented themselves. This is but a hollow attempt at recreating what I could remember. I wish I could have spoken and recorded the poem in its original diction but my boss was meeting with customers in the same room. 

so so so frusrating. 

Raleigh temptation

 I REALLY don't want to move to raleigh... 

but food for thought. 

They provide full benefits and multiple pay raises. PTO, awards and incentives when complemented. 37.5 hours a week. 

Jesus its a good gig. 

https://jobs.jobvite.com/buildersmutual/job/oYEhgfwT

and it looks like it starts anywhere from 45-50K a year. 

That HELLA tempting. 

Burlesque Debut

 AYYYYYYYYY

GUESS WHO IS OFFICIALLY GONNA MAKE THEIR DEBUT AS A BURLESQUE DANCER FOR ELLIS'S QUEER PERFORMANCE GROUP!!!!!!

THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!!!

I will be Underground Present's first burlesque baby and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!

I plan to dance to "she calls me daddy"; It will be a simple look; dark overcoat (omg I need to get my purple coat from Brad, if he still has that i won't need to buy a new one), silver slip, black thigh highs (i'll use the ones I already have but just put them inside out so the red bow doesn't show, black gloves, purple lingerie, and black cheeky lace undies I will need to find. White fan prop! 

Outfit Cost: Black gloves, Slip, Lingerie, (underwear $6?) , FAN = $55

Not only that, but before even making my debut I've already been booked for a second show in September. That's 2 shows and 3 (maybe 4?) dance numbers! 

For my first I will simply be dancing to a single song, but the second performance I'm going to mix in a few things I've seen done by drag queens.

I'm gonna make song mixes. 

The September show theme is animals. 

So I will be doing a Marie from Aristocats number, starting with scales and arpeggios song where i'll just kind of be cute and innocent, dancing and interacting with the crowd, then the dialogue of marie saying "Ladies don't start fights, but we can finish them", then it will switch over to Little Girl by Cady Groves, and that's when I'll start taking off the costume. For Marie I won't be taking much off, robe, gloves?, white skirt, slip, and underbust corset.  I will remain in my teddy bear lingerie and white undies the whole time. 

Outfit Cost: : Already bought most of it. Slip and white thigh highs = 27$

*check glove prices at party city

The second number for that show will be a peacock. I plan to have a belly dancer top and belt underneath a corset and skirt, gloves, high heels, and use a big fan. I will enter the room to the sound of snow white singing to the birds and them singing back, then it will shift into Bird Song by Juniper Veil for most of it where I will dance with the fan, and then its gonna burst into peacock by Katy Perry and that's when I do most of the shedding of clothes. Probably go down to pasties. 

Outfit Cost: corset/skirt, belly dancer outfit, FAN, = 78$

Cut cost: 

compare price of gloves at amazon vs party city. See if they have a belly dance outfit? It's a long shot. See what party city has that could be used for peacock and compare price to amazon?

IF the Animal show requires a third act:

If I have to crank out a third number I want to do a snake. I'm thinking something kind of belly dance-esque, minimal clothes shedding. I'm thinking Large temporary tattoo to be put on my belly and back? Outfit: tube top, snake stockings, body jewelry top ,belly dancer's belt for jingles, the tie around sheer skirt under that, and a snake print cardigan. I would first shed the cardigan, shed the tie on the sheer skirt, Slip off the body jewelry, untie the jingle skirt, and be left in just the tube top, stockings, and snake print undies by the end of it. I would do this to Serenity by Godsmack. Maybe look into gold isis wings as prop?

Outfit Cost: $68

ways to cut cost: look in the mall for snakeskin undies that are cheaper than 11.50. Check party city for belly dance belt? Maybe see if I can borrow one from someone. 

Despite the high cost of everything... I can reuse a lot of it for other numbers. 

July update

 Monthly update:

• I am alive lol
• I lost my rent money (lost money order) and am stressing until i get it refunded. Pray for me. I can't afford to just lose 500$. 
• I did a cord cutting with Viking Man; we are still friends and I still have lots of love for him, but I am not in love with him anymore. I do not feel as strong of an attachment; if he wants to sleep with other people it won't hurt so bad now. 
• Aaron moved to New Orleans. 
• I have really grown close with new friends I met through the D&D Game; Ellis and Cyrus. 
• I have choreographed my debut dance number for Underground presents (the queer performance group Ellis runs). I will be debuting as a burlesque dancer with the stage name "Ace of Hearts". 
• We have a drag show tomorrow, I am a tip kitten, that's Disney themed and I am super excited. I'm being Marie from Aristocats. 

honestly I have kind of forgotten what it feels like to be surrounded by a overtly queer community... how safe and light it feels even when discussing heavier, darker matters. It's just relaxed, loving, and supportive. I feel really lucky to have met them.

• Still Planning to move after December but its looking like for sure wilmington. I still really want to go to Cleveland but I think I have to wait a few years until I pay off my car. I might fly up there over the next few years to check it out... but after Wilmington it will either be Cleveland or Florida. As is, I look forward to Wilmington a lot. 

I think I may give up the 9-5 business life. While having steady pay is nice, I am going stir crazy. I miss having freedom during the day, I miss the excitement and hustle of bartending. I may transition back to being a bartender/server when I move to wilmington... it's the right city for it. Tourism keeps it booming in the summer, the students keep it booming the rest of the year. I may be a full time bartender and then offer readings on the side through one of the witchy shops. Or I may jump on the fast food train and become a manager of a fast food chain like cookout. 

Or I will stay with the steady 9-5 M-F so I can at least keep my weekends... be like a receptionist at a doctors office or something.  Steady and reliable pay. Safe. And who knows maybe I'll find a place that keeps me occupied or will let me read when it's slow. 

I will need to make $16 an hour at 40 hours to be comfortable. Or roughly 640 a week through various means. 

• I am cat sitting for Cara; her cat has injured mine and thankfully i was able to get the infection to drain so no expensive emergency vet bill. He constantly bullies Smokey for his food. Randomly attacks and chases Humu. His behavior improved  after she came to visit him (something I had to ask her to do) and he more or less got along with my boys. He is attacking them again and I got into an argument with her about her needing to visit him again. Even if its just for 10 minutes - and preferably when I am not home. 

 Why when I'm not home? Because during her last visit, while eating the food I made for their lunch she proceeded to say that I am unstable and only one step away from killing someone, therefore I should never be allowed to have a gun. 

She said this because when I was a fucking TEENAGER with RAGING HORMONES I actually wrote in my blog about wanting to kill her. EVERY teenager experiences a rise in aggression... mine just happened to be backed by bipolar. This was before I got stable on my medication. I was a KID. Does she take into account the almost decade of stability I've had? The clearance from therapy? The coping mechanisms I have now for my anger that I didn't have before? No. 

Do I still have violent thoughts? Yes. Am I tempted to act on them? 99% no. When I am tempted all I have to do is walk away - its that simple. I was tempted to slap the shit out her when she said this to me but I didn't. I was tempted to put her cat in her arms and kick her out right then and there. but I didn't. 

Because I'm a fucking stable adult. 

but no. 

To her I will remain as unstable as I was when I was a fucking kid just starting treatment for an unchecked mental illness. 

So yeah. After she moves into her new apartment and takes her asshole of a cat back, I'm done. No more favors. No more feeding her. No more walking her through things that require a simple google search that she apparently doesn't know how to  use. I'm done. 

I don't need that in my life. 

•  So yeah. Final Update: all but cutting off/out my toxic little sister who can't seem to admit she has a drinking problem, and in fact blatantly brags about not having one despite having two parents who are an addict. Apparently spending rent money so you can binge drink and party isn't a drinking problem. Ok sure. but you know what? Not my problem to worry about. not anymore. She can lie in the bed that her skewed priorities makes, and I will no longer be available to help her out of it. 

After all, I wouldn't want her to fear for her life anytime she's near me. 

Summer solstice Message.

 "Listen to me, this is very important. Not all things, even if they are good, are meant to last. It is okay to mourn their ending, it is okay to be sad. Cry and scream all you need, I am here for you. I know that taking a lover is not easy for you, so losing one can seem terrifying and like a sentence to solitude. Do not become hopeless. That is my fear, do not resign yourself to despair. I know that your desire for touch stems from emotional need, not physical, and while I cannot stand in for a lover, if the loneliness ever gets too much and you need to feel lips upon your own and a tender embrace, then come to me. I will not deny you comfort, take comfort in me until you once again find one who is suited to be your love. You will be fine. "

- Do not become hopeless --> Aine/Host of friends/Svn's fear. 

-  I will not deny you comfort --> platonic cuddling and kissing? Ellis maybe?

I think this message came from Aine, but I am not sure. It came from the character that is the mouthpiece for the fae in my trances. Aine is a faerie Queen and I've been feeling a pull to her. Yesterday was the summer solstice, her holiday, so it would make sense. 

While my friends with benefits situation with Viking Man is coming to a close... I had grown sorrowful. Losing him on top of losing Aaron (who leaves for New Orleans in about a week) just seemed too much. I consulted the mermaid cards (Aine's deck....) for a reading on future love so that I would not become hopeless.. and to my immense surprise, they actually told me about my next big love. Beforehand, it has always been "take time for yourself" "focus on yourself" "you need time out of a relationship"... which only made me want to cling to Viking Man even harder because that didn't bode well for finding love. 

It reads like a long period of solitude and singledom. 

This time, they said after I move to Wilmington, and I begin to focus on a new area of spirituality (sea witchcraft and working more with mermaids) a new and important love will find me. This person, a woman!, would be more than okay with establishing a divine connection through sensuality and be willing to work with my trauma (would not turn away at my being unable to do anything below the waist, either at all or would be patient with me until I am able to). The card was divine sensuality, making love, and erotica and yet the card itself told me that it wasn't talking about sex - specifically this person would return sacred sensuality back into my life. It's something I have been missing for a long time, even before Viking man. 

So while I am still intensely sad about my time with Viking Man coming to an end... I have cried many tears and will cry many more.. I am not hopeless. 

2 dreams + interpretation

 Check in - i'm not dead, i'm just lost. When I figure out where my life is going I'll blog more, I promise. 

I had 2 interesting dreams last night/this morning. 

The first - I moved to a coastal town and it was my first weekend there. My mom had just flown back to WI after coming and helping me unpack and settle in. My friend Nathan came down to see me because he knew some folks that he wanted to introduce to me. We stopped by a coffee shop and the cute barista was talking with us and when we told her I was new she started making recommendations about shops or places to check out. We carried on a conversation, it came up that all of us are poets so she let me read a poem about her first love (a young woman who was not sapphic, but was her best friend. Their journey of unrequited love through childhood and adolescence. Then the house fire that disfigured her love but didn't shake off the barista. The sadness when she moved away.) 

We left the coffee shop with having invited her out with us to go drinking that night, and explored some local shops along the boardwalk.  Afterward we met up with my friend ariel for dinner (in a restaurant that reminded me of plumb tree but better. i inquired if they needed a bartender/shift supervisor). Then we left to go to an irish pub to meet up with the barista and I woke up. 

it was very pleasant. Her poetry moved me, her drawing was beautiful. 

Deam 2 was not really linear but it had a lot of symbolism in it. 

Wave Pool - controllable tidal wave that I was enjoying rather than drowning in like everyone else, it carried me up and I stayed up and didn't struggle - To see a tidal wave in your dream represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits. If you are carried away by the tidal wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place.

Killer whale - To see a killer whale in your dream indicates that you need to be more social or more vocal about something. Step up and speak up. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes spiritual guidance. You are ready to explore your emotions, but you need to make the connection between the conscious and subconscious aspects of yourself.

** 2 killer whales swimming and jumping about with the group

Sharks - To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. 

** I saw 2 sharks following me and then swimming past me. 

wisconsin

 okay so heres a life update...

I visited my mom in wisconsin. LOVED IT. I loved being so close to her, the weather was *perfect* (although apparently its not that perfect so many days in a row). My mom works in one of the cities I was open to living in... and I loved it. I liked the atmosphere, the people were friendly, there were shops and the downtown area was charming. I would have to look for nature parks, but Wisconsin is big on outdoors. 

despite all this... I am still feeling Cleveland. So i'll be visiting cleveland later this year to really compare. 

however... I met someone there. Someone who I have known from a few years ago. Someone I had a crush on but I was seeing someone and they were seeing my best friend, so i never acknowledged it at all (especially cuz i thought i would be marrying my boyfriend). When they split with my best friend I thought I would NEVER see them again, like ever. So when i would talk to my friends about my "type" i really was just describing this person, as like the star example. 

well. Somehow the world is smaller than i realized and they happened to be in wisonsin and met up with me and my mom for lunch. Honestly.. the spark is still there, if not it was stronger cuz i'm single and they are no longer my with my best friend. However... still my best friend's ex. So that kept me from saying anything. But wow. 

It was still amazing to see them though.. if you remove my crush from the equation, i still got to see someone i used to be good friends with who i didn't think I would ever see again. It also means that when I move up there (still thinking Cleveland) I will have a friend that I can hang out with whenever I take trips to milwaukee. It makes me feel better about moving up north. 

Direction

 okay so... 

I did a big reading to get guidance now that I seem to have lost my sense of purpose. Brandi at work says i'm having a quarter of life crisis and I don't think the statement is inaccurate. 

The reading pretty much said that I needed to focus on myself, with 2 primary goals:

1) Heal from Viking man

2) focus on spirituality  - emphasis on dream walking and world walking, as well as reconnecting with nature and source. 

I can say that I have definitely been more sensitive to presences lately, and I'm noticing a change in my dreams and ability to manipulate dreams. I'm not at a point where it's full lucid dreaming, but I feel like I'm not far from it. I need to start doing guided meditations for myself to better develop the world walking skill. 

Maybe in a few months I'll feel comfortable enough to take the Irish shamanism classes. 

Its not so much a physical goal, the way school was, but the gods and faerie folk have told me my new direction is inward and my goal is... myself?

Graduate.

In a matter of days I will be a Masters Degree Graduate. 

Unexpectedly... that has caused a sort of identity crisis. 

I have been in school all of my life. If we want to ignore everything prior to highschool, thats from 2010-2021. Over a decade. For over a decade my only real attainable goals and motivations have been school. Pass this test. Pass this Class. Graduate High School. Graduate College. Graduate Graduate School. 

Now?

Nothing. I do not have any immediate goals. I have no sense of purpose. Nothing to motivate me to do anything. For over a decade I have been a student... now what am I? I feel so disconnected to myself that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror... I just see Racheal's face. 

I know that I could devote myself to hobbies or passions.. Maybe take up volunteering? Get back into reading. Maybe see about how my boss feels about me listening to podcasts while at work so that I don't go stir crazy. Maybe sneak a book to work?  I would take up art but what's the point? I would just be throwing them away.  I should get back into writing. Could set up a little nook on my back patio if I wasn't worried about things getting stolen, sit out there in the mornings with coffee and try writing. I should start a garden. 

I also suddenly have the urge to rearrange my whole apartment. Actually go through and put up all my laundry so that I know what can actually fit where. See about condensing my clothes so that I can maybe get rid of my neon dresser. Donate some books, so I can move all my candles and things into the living room onto the smaller dresser. This would create more space in my bedroom where I could move the cat stuff. If the cat litter were in my bedroom it would help motivate me to clean it more often and vacuum up the spread out litter. 

Then by moving the cat section of the living room to my bedroom, I make more space for entertaining people. The smell will automatically be better so I will be less self conscious about that and I will have more space for dancing. I can get some seating/storage for guests. 

However I also feel like I'm heading into a manic phase (i;ve been depressed the past few days) so I need to be careful because I'm itching to spend a lot of money. On the couch. On a large cat tree. On books. On games so that I can have game nights again. I have the urge to go through all my clothes and condense them.... and then go to goodwill and get more to diversify my wardrobe. 

I can at least use this mania as a way to super clean my apartment. Once I move the cat stuff to my room, I can mop the whole livingroom and kitchen area, and vacuum the rug. 

Bare minimum today I can go through my clothes,  do the cat litter, and dishes. Maybe go through the books and transfer stuff around on shelving. 

I need a sense of purpose or I am going to go crazy.

Landscape (poem)

When I stand naked, bare, in front of the mirror

I feel as if I am looking upon an alien form. 

I do not recognize the home my soul has taken;

A Landscape of pale olive blandness, 

a desert of skin over meat and bone. 

I look upon soft flesh, damp from southerner humidity,

full, small breasts hang unevenly like overly ripe apples, 

or pears softened in the summer sun. 

I stare in disappointment, but can't help but find pleasure

in the small pink dogwood buds that sit on the edges. 

My swollen belly protrudes farther than my comfort, 

yet the jiggle reminds me of watching

plump squirrels as they lounge lazily on the magnolia branch. 

I cup my hands around my navel, as I would to gather soil

in the garden to plant a new seed, new life. 

I want to turn away from the form before me,

but my eyes follow the curves and bends

as if caught in the current of a mountain stream. 

I stood in awe watching the water once, 

now that sense of gratitude floods my senses.  

My legs, marked like that of tree bark, 

roots shooting from my hips, down my thighs -   

The curvature of my form, the humid cave

covered by soft and supple moss,

the hair on my body as natural as the grass in the earth. 

When I stand naked, bare, in front of the mirror

I feel as if I am looking upon an alien form. 

While I do not recognize the home my soul has taken,

I see a form made up of natural beauty, wonder, 

born to the south, I have made my home in the landscape. 

Ticker

 hey, so update on life. 

I'm doing good in school so far. 

My car has been behaving and not having issues. 

Oh and I went to the ER because I was having symptoms of a heart attack. 

Of course by the time they actually got me back there to run tests almost all of my symptoms were done. My blood pressure plummeted and the nurses did nothing even after I called for help - about twenty minutes later I was moments from passing out when Amy's nurse instincts sprang into action and she modified the bed to sit me up and then physically brought a nurse into the room. The nurse put my IV in crooked. 

At least the doctor believed me when I said it wasn't a panic attack. He agrees I need to see a cardiologist and get a monitor. Amy says I need to mention that I have episodes of hypotension - periods when I think my blood sugar is low might actually be low blood pressure instead. 

Aaron thinks I had a blood clot, and it just worked its way through by the time I actually could get help. 

So that was an eventful weekend. I was in the negatives on energy the entire next day and even today I still feel super tired and like I'm running on E. 

Priorities

 YA GIRL IS GETTING THE COVID VACCINE ON SATURDAYYYYYYYYY.

Also, i love how easy it is to have a conversation with lilith when i'm not losing my head emotionally. Once I calm the fuck down she really is quick to talk with me and help me assess the situation.

There is love. 

There is sex. 

There is spirituality. 

I have a choice 

to pick new love and spirituality

or familiarity, sex, and spiritiuality. 

currently ive decided on the later, because as lonely as I am, I need to learn who I am when I am not lost in love. Besides, sex has so many benefits health wise. 

love means emotional satisfaction, and scary new experiences, and WAITING and searching. 

current situation means mood regulation, stress reduction, familiarity, and safety.

i just have to make sure that i don't ignore the chance for new love while I wait in option two. 

No matter what I choose, my spiritual growth won't be stunted - and honestly at that point that's my primary concern.  Spiritual and self growth. 

Falling in love can take a back seat right now. 

Manifesting

 I was sitting at the table, utterly oblivious to the eyes that had followed me since I entered the bar. The band playing was one I had seen before, your standard couple duo - a gentleman on the guitar and her girlfriend singing into the microphone and stomping her cowgirl boot to the rhythm. They were decent to listen to, made for excellent background music or a good distraction when there was no one to talk to. This was the later - the friend I had come out to meet up with was busy talking to other people, his puppy wandering around the outdoor patio looking for scraps and giving her paw as an offering. I called out to her, feeling a tad lonely in the midst of a fairly busy night, and she happily trotted over. I hoped down from my high chair and offered a french fry in exchange for kisses and affection. Thats when she approached. 

"Cute dog! Whats her name?" Came a voice, there was an accent I couldn't place - or rather almost a lack of accent. 

"Brightness!" I said, looking up to meet the eyes of a beautiful woman. She had colored hair, long and wavy underneath a reverse ball cap, her eyes lined with black and a neutral color on her lips. She wore a band tee and ripped jeans, her knees poking out as she knelt down to pet the puppy with me. Something about her was familiar, like I had seen her somewhere before. 

"She yours?" she asked, giving a warm smile and meeting my eyes. 

"uh... no. But i'm basically like her godmother." I quickly looked back to the happy puppy, almost the same size as me despite being less than a year old. I could feel my cheeks warming under her gaze as I offered Brightness more affection.

"Brightness! Kisses?" I cooed, as she went through her array of tricks for yet another french fry.  But, adhd as ever, a new patron entered the patio and she dashed off to greet him. I must have pouted a little as the young woman laughed at me. 

"I'm not as cute as her, but I can give you kisses." My eyes jumped up to hers and I rose quickly, blatantly blushing. 

"that was smooth." I said , offering my hand, "I'm Lisa."

"Nice to meet you again." She flashed me another smile, sharing my hand and then ever so quickly turning it and bringing it to her lips.  Bewildered, I just stared at her in awe - was this actually happening? 

By then, noticing another body had appeared at the table, my friend turned his attention towards us. dropping my hand down, she trailed hers across my back as she moved behind me towards the table and into the chair next to me. 

"Whats up dude?" she offered as a greeting. "Got yourself a pretty girl." There was a slight edge to her voice, not aggressive but assertive. 

"She was just getting to meet Brightness," I interjected, knowing that he often became aggressive if he felt like a stranger was challenging him. Somehow, I felt that she wouldn't have cared either way, as her hand was still at the small of my back. My exposed skin tingled under her fingers.  

"oh! yeah. She's gorgeous" he said, having had a few beers in, he was in a more mild tempter and thus took the comment for his puppy with pride and turned back to his previous conversation.  Before i could say anything else, a server approached with my drink and another round of french fries. 

"want some?" I offered, and grinning, she moved towards the plate. 

"Don't mind if i do."

****

I got back into my car, grinning ear to ear. A girl had never blatantly flirted with me like that, much less when I was with him. I looked at my phone excitedly, although I felt foolish, why would she text me back so quickly after only just meeting. She had texted herself from my phone while we spoke at the bar, and I knew it would probably be tomorrow at the earliest that she would remember it. I couldn't control my excitement when the phone buzzed, her name appearing with the song recommendation she told me to listen to on my way home. I pulled it up in my youtube app and sent her a screenshot. Shaking my head in disbelief, I plugged in my phone, turned down the dark road, and headed home. 

Bright

This light is an assault, 

the warmth of the cave gone, 

A new world surrounds, wind biting into flesh and bone, yet the pain is tolerable. 

.

All around is bright.

- Eyes, in reflex, are all but forced shut-

like sunlight reflected off  snow as far as the eye can see. 

.

Startling and strange, 

coming from the dark cave 

whos blackness embraces, warm and sensual, mysterious and full of wonder. 

.

The security has been shed, 

now like a bird flapping its wings for the first time, leaving the nest

falling,      flying,      into what it is that life has in store - the hard ground or the heavens? 

.

No longer is there shelter overhead, 

the bright sky and white desert of light

there is no more answers in the brightness of day, blinding, than in the comfort of the dark. 

.

One step forward, 

neck aching to look back, but eyes pulled to the front,

eagerly devouring every sight, tasting moving air on tongue, arms outstretched in waiting.  

.

The crunch of ice beneath foot, 

the sting of icey air in wet warm lung, contrast that invigorates;

out of the egg and into the world, fear and wonder are one and the same. 

.