recent reflection 2:

 I’m going to be real for a minute.

My weight has always been a sensitive topic for me. For the longest time I was underweight. Then because of birth control my thyroid stopped working properly and I gained a lot of weight rapidly. Since then I have bounced between 140-150lbs and have hated my body. I did a scan today and it showed that since I’ve been going to the gym regularly… I have not lost weight. I have not slimmed down. In fact since my first scan my body composition has gotten WORSE.

Other than when my thyroid stopped working this is probably the “chubbiest” I have been. I’ve had people tell me that I would be so much more attractive if I lost weight. I’ve had people with the same body as me tell me how ugly it was. I’ve had people tell me something was wrong with me because I wasn’t alarmed with the fact that technically I am obese (according to body composition). Here’s the thing…there are worse things than being chubby. You know what else? I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. 

I’ve been sober (from benzos) almost 8 years. My chronic pain has DRASTICALLY lessened. My mental health has improved (and that’s a good chunk thanks to Kat, Jack, and Rachael… and a LOT of work I have put into it). I havnt been horribly sick in about half a year. My relationship with food is a LOT better (when I first moved up to WI I had an eating problem that was headed towards a disorder). Now what I eat may not be the best but that is a soap box for another time. (No food is guilt free because guilt is not an ingredient. The only “bad food” is food that it rotten or that you’re allergic to.) 

My body doesn’t decide how beautiful I am. I’m hot. Like seriously - I’m single by choice not from lack of options. I’m funny (especially when I’m not trying to be). I’m optimistic and full of positive energy. I light up a room when I’m feeling confident. I love to sing and laugh and smile - I’m authentic and I insure that in others. I am beautiful inside and out… and yes, I’m overweight and that doesn’t change a damn thing. 

Will I loose weight in the future? Who knows 🤷‍♀️ as long as I am happy and healthy and loving my best life it doesn’t matter.