Better to be alone than Lonely.

 Some thoughts that always arise whenever I start dating and trying to meet people - 

• I find fault with every single person who takes an interest in me. If they show too much interest too soon, I am almost disgusted. 
• I think I know what I want but I don't think it actually exists. If I meet someone and they don't immediately fit this idea, I make it almost impossible for them to even try. 
• I'm scared I'll end up alone but its better than being committed to the wrong person. I don't know how to keep the faith that my person is actually out there and the more open I try to be the worse it gets. 
• Now that I love myself, I don't know how to risk loving someone else. 
• I'm worried that I am the problem. I don't want to be chased but I refuse to chase. I'm just...stationary. Like a statue. I feel like i'm cold and unattached, unfeeling, like stone. 
• I am outwardly nice and internally cold. I'm social enough to go out and have good dates but I have no actual interest or any semblance of a connection to these poor guys who are sincere. 
• I actually sort of pity anyone who has legitimate interest in me. 
• I am fine when I focus on myself. I thrive when I am single... As soon as I think about adding someone else to my life, my peace falls apart... but I am so closed off when I focus on myself. What if I miss him? What If I'm so closed off that I don't let him in? What if I don't even let him approach me?

After talking with my therapist there is a frustration between my self preservation, guilt at not being able to to feel a spark (which I need to let go of, because just because someone is a good person or option doesn't mean they are right for you), and a deep desire to feel a deep connection. I have so much love to give but I am so careful about who i give that love to. 

Its better to be alone than with someone who makes me feel lonely. 

I need to give up dating. Me and dating go together like oil and water. I will have to meet my person organically in order for me to even give him a chance. 

I went on a date, immediately wrote off the guy it was with. Minimal small talk afterward as I tried to find an excuse to stop talking to him.... only to run into him at the no kings rally and have a really good time with him. (Let's call him Willy since he lives in the Willy st neighborhood). We slept together (look i'm lonely alright and he made me feel comfortable) and I expected it to be sort of done after that. But he surprised me and we ended up having some deep discussions afterward. 

Not it is following what I expected and turned into a more so physical only type dynamic and I'm certain its just a fun fling. but he surprised me with his depth. 

Maybe I really do need to slow down when I meet people and discover the things under the surface. 

However, I cannot allow a fling to last more than 3 months if even that long. 

He serves as a good reminder that 

1) I am allowed to just have fun and enjoy the moment

2) I deserve to be treated like a treasure

3) Somethings that were "wants", are actually "needs" - ambition, playfulness, and financial security. 

As soon as I realized he was not my person, he was yet another lesson/example from Lucifer, I relaxed. I do need to be careful that he doesn't get too attached to me, but other than that. It's fine. 

I have three people I am sort of casually "dating"

- "Willy" - has a LOT of characteristics I am looking for. No ambition, no financial security, no playfulness that I've seen so far.  Sagittarius says yes, Capricorn says no. 

- "Fly boy": has the playfulness but lacks the sort of commanding presence I crave in a partner. We are friends, but there is very clear interest on his part and we dabble in flirting. If he were to make a move I would be possibly open to friends with benefits, but that's the most I can see. 

- "Academic" - hard to read and get a vibe on. Slightly socially awkward and a massive introvert. Has the financial security and while is not spiritually inclined would absolutely listen to me yap about it. I really like the way he looks at me. Its either we sit and have a conversation or we do an activity, not one to do both. Encourages me to be silly but doesn't really have whimsy in himself. Capricorn says yes, Sagittarius says no. 

Willing to see where things go and not quite ready to cut the chord on any of them just yet.