attraction...reaction?

so jake  came over yesterday to hang out. we watched some movies and cuddled :3
we also flirted a bit while cuddling, and we played around xD
thats what u kove about jake, i can play with him and be ditzy and he is totally fine with it :3

so... when we started to play around... i wanted to iss him a little. then when we started cuddling, i REALLY wanted to kiss him.  and i really liked how he wrapped his finger in my belt-loop and when his hand rested on my hip, my skin exposed a little with my shirt slightly pulled up. he feels nice, ya know?

anyway... what really surprised me was when he oulled my against him so i wouldn't fall off the couch, i... don't know how to put this... quivered? that sounds bad... >.<

and the idiot bit my ear. i have no idea whay, but for some reason that is one of the fastest ways to turn me on. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat theeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeck? he did it... 3 times... >.< and then after all this he had to go and i successfully held myself in check....not. yeah he is smart, he toally knows i'm into him again. probably.

i just don't know how long this new found attraction will last...

YESS!!!

JAKE AND SHAE BROKE UP!!!!!! this time... jake broke up with her!
like i said, i like shae, she is sweet and a really good girl... but not right for him. and idk... i couldn't help but smile when he txted me about it... i got excited haha... but then i felt bad without actually feeling bad >.<

i new i should feel bad about being happy that he broke up with her.. but i didn't. so i felt inda bad for not feeling bad? idk.

but they're not together which means what was keeping me awake last night (thoughts of them kissing...or more... making me feel...sickish?) no longer should plauge my thoughts :P

unknown emotion? ]=

so... i saw jake kiss his girl tonight and... i'm not jealous of her... she is sweet and caring and a good person i'm glad she makes jake happy.

but when i saw them kiss i...felt empty?  and i was in the beginning stages of a cross mood because i couldn't cuddle with him earlier. But i can tell you this, i may not feel sexually attracted to jake, but i don't like him kissing her.

it made me feel empty and kinda ill (mood wise not sick wise) and my brain just shies away whenever the thought of them doing anything, even kissing, comes up.

however, this feeling isn't jealousy, which is a hot emotion. this is a more room temperature emotion, and is more sad than jealous, owever it is not sadness. its hollow, room temp, and ive never felt it before...

jake dream

so...last night i had a dream about jake.... it was kind of weird. so... it was a mix of stuff similar to a movie we watched (John Dies At The End) and that was a majority of the dream. but there were parts about jake that  can some what remember. So... he proposed to me... and i blacked out and when i woke up i thought that him proposing to me had been a dream, it hadn't but i thought it had, so everyone decided to let me think it had been a dream.

I couldn't remember how i answered his proposal, but it hadn't been yes, it hadn't been  no but it wasn't yes. Somehow in the dream jake found out about how i felt about him, maybe he read my blog? And so he was trying to trick me into saying how i felt and was getting frustrated that i wasn't falling for any of his tricks.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand thats about all i can remember now. i've been awake for about an hour now >.< i should have blogged as soon as i woke up >.<

>.< i feel bad

So... Kasey wanted to go "hang out" with her bf kit... but she didn't want to make me go home just so they could have some time. so, the solution was that i would hang out with jake for the day...only, he is exhausted and i feel bad for just intruding? he says its fine and its not like i'm bored or anything, i'll probably nap too xD

either way no one is upset, idk, i just hope he can sleep alright.

Confirmation

well i spent most of today with jake and it confirms what i thought, my feelings are once again dormant.  it made me very happy that he asked me to sit upfront with him for a little while and i got to cuddle with him :3

my friend Kasey says that my feelings aren't dormant, i'm just good at burying and ignoring them; she says that if they were really dormant his txt from the other day wouldn't have made me so happy.

i can tell you right now, neither jake nor i are the type of people to want a platonic relationship... but with jake... although i want a relationship with him, i don't think my body would allow it to be a sexual one.

like.. when we were cuddling, it was nice and warm... but i didn't really cuddle as much as i wanted because it would cross the friend boundary. Same with hand holding, i can't hold his hand although i would like to.

and aparently kasey thinks he is still into me.... i don't think so.

ahhh..... best to let the emotions remained burried and ignored until they are fully dormant.

this txt made my day :)

So, its been a while since i heard from jake, he has been very busy so iget it lol, but i missed my best friend! and i got a txt from him todays saying

"No offense to __girl he is seeing__ but your still #1.."


which ios referenced to when he said i'm one of the three most important people in his life. previously he had said it was her, then me, then our friend kit.


his txt made my day :3