NEVERLAND ( original poem/song)

NEVERLAND

I believe in stories old, 
of dreams with magic and faerie gold,
of lands living with vivid green,
this place lives inside of me.

I believe in times gone past
where dreams thrive and hopes last
but here? now? this doesn't seem
to be the right fit for me.

take me away to neverland
send me now my peter pan
take me from this world so cold
take me to the lands of old
take me to the secret place
to sing and dance among the fae
but being here? i cannot wait...
so take me, take me, let me play...

i believe they do exhist!
hidden things i often miss...
let me see them, i so i can stand!
let me see my "neverland"

I cannot get there on my own,
hurry now i'm almost grown!
take me to the mermaid glade,
take me soon, or soon i'll fade...

take me away to neverland
send me now my peter pan
take me from this world so cold
take me to the lands of old
take me to the secret place
to sing and dance among the fae
but being here? i cannot wait...
so take me, take me, let me play...

i long for my summerland,
with happiness holding my hand,
being among my unseen friends,
in this place you call neverland...

You who have little faith,
cannot see, cannot wait,
they are here with outstreatched hands,
to take us all to neverland

mouth Ulcers

So.... one of the known causes of mouth ulcers is stressed. well.. i have 2 ulcers... bith VERY FUCKING PAINFUL.... i have tried salt, antiacids, water, brushing my teeth more often, and now i am just hoping painkillers work.

so, what is causing these? what stress? let me list them for you:

• Pressure about setting up college visits, which is almost impossible because i don't know when my aunt is free and i don't know exactly what the fuck she wants me to do.
• Pressure to start applying for scholarships.
• my brat little sister.
• fear that....a certain thing won't happen..... (see previous post)
• my senior year of high school is about to start...
• i need to get a job...
• THESE MOTHERFUCKING POP-UPS
• i really need to focus on my spiritual side.. i have been ignoring it for too long... buuut i'm so stressed i couldn't even meditate 5 FREAKING MINUTES!! that is really bad! so.... stress causes more stress... -.-
• PAIN FROM THESE FUCKING ULCERS

yeah so.... these things better go away soon.... or i'm just going to start crying....

wanna see what one looks like?

  

these bitches are evil.....

do not be alarmed!!

First off: do not be alarmed at anything in this post. i do not plan to act on any of these feelings, i merely want to just record ow i am feeling as that is the purpose of having this blog.

so a friend of mine made a status on facebook about how she/he feels that they are going to die at a young age. this reminded me of how i too feel i will die at a young age, and that i will die via car accident.  now i have felt this since my freshman year in highschool. i have also predicted my death to be before i go to college, but i could be wrong.

honestly? i hope i'm not wrong. i truly do not wish to live too long in this life. i feel that this life isn't suiting my spirit and that i would be quite happy to only stay here for a sort while.  i find i don't like how fast humans grow into maturity and that time is too fast in this life. I don't think my spirit was as prepared for this life as it thought.

it is times like these i think about suicide, not out of despair, but out of impatience. The closer i get to college, the more pressure i am put under to prepare, the more impatient i grow. where is that car accident? Have i missed my chance? i feel like a person waiting for their flight at an airport.

But to copmmit suicide would hurt others, and send my spirit into unnecessary trauma. so don't worry about me actually acting on ow i feel. I just.... i want to get out. out of this body.... which feels like a heavy coat at the moment. i want a break.... i want to breathe. its because of how i'm feeling that i can't focus on the spiritual reading i was trying to do.

now, i know this feeling will subside once i meditate. but i am truly getting anxious... i am anxious that the acident won't happen. now i don't want to leave the people i have met and love, but i want out. i feel caged. i feel cramped and stuffy. time is both slowing down and speeding up at the same time and i just want it to stop.

well off to meditate, night all <3
~peace

songs to look up

ASKING ALEXANDRIA
a prophecy
alerion
a single moment of sincerity
another bottle down
closure
dear insanity
dedication
i used to have a best friend
i was once possibly maybe perhaps a cowboy king
if you cant ride two horses at once you should get out of the circus
nobody dont dance no more
not the american average
reckless and relentless
run free
someone somewhere
the death of me
the final episode
the match
to the stage
when every day's the weekend
morte et dabo



BRING ME THE HORIZON
Alligator blood
blessed with a curse
chelsea smile
diamonds arent forever
it never ends
and the snakes start to sing
antivist
can you feel my heart
empire
hospital for souls
seen it all before
shadow moses(BEST SONG EVER)
sleepwalking(OK I LIED THIS IS BETTER)
the house of wolves (anti christian)
chasing rainbows
join the club

deathbeds

MEMPHIS MAY FIRE
without walls
alive in the lights
legacy(YOUR SONG)
miles away
vices
the sinner
the victim
jezebel

OF MICE AND MEN
og loko
second and sebring
ohioisonfire
the calm
the depths
the storm
the flood
product of a murderer
the ballad of tommy clayton and the rawdog millionaire
seven thousand miles for what(in this song it sounds like he says ill get you back justin bieber)
let live


PIERCE THE VEIL
a match into water
bulls in the bronx 
bulletproof love
caraphernelia
currents convulsive
falling asleep on a stranger
hell above
hold on till may
im low on gas and you need a jacket
KING FOR A DAY(the golden song!!!!!)
props and mayhem
stained glass eyes and colorful tears
tangles in the great escape
the first punch
the sky under the sea
SLEEPING WITH SIRENS
dead walker texas ranger
do it now remember it later
fire
if im james dean youre audrey hepburn
low
if you cant hang
with ears to see and eyes to hear
you kill me in a good way

SLEEPING WITH SIRENS 
free now
congratulations
alone
feel
and also their song: sorry
SUICIDE SILENCE
disengage
fuck everything
lifted
march to the black crown
no pity for a coward
no time to bleed
ocd
revival of life
something invisible
suffer
the only thing that sets us apart
wake up
wasted
witness the addiction
you only live once

WE CAME AS ROMANS
understanding what we've grown to be
Hope
the king of silence
to plant a seed

andfade away

inner Spirit

its my inner spirit in a flower that is blooming in water and surrounded by fire :)

real rant. not for fun.

i have had it. Cara.... i am sick of her! i do nice things for her, i try to share some excitement..and she is nothing but a brat!

yesterday? she called me a bitch because i wouldn't pause my movie. she refused to eat lunch while my movie was playing and when i said i wouldn't stop it, she got angy. she didn't want to watch it, so i said she could eat in the kitchen. that really pissed her off. i kept even tones, didn't get an attitude, and she says "you don't have to be such a bitch about it"...excuse me? i'm being a bitch? Because i refused to bend to her will? because i burst her little world-revolves-around-me bubble? excuse me, but she is the bitch.

yet. i shared some info about an art contest when she strikes up a conversation about art. and i didn't rat her out about calling me a bitch. i was being NICE.

today, i decided to cut the last piece of pie in half, so she could have half. i try to share some excitment about nting to go to warped tour next year...she complains and decides to get ill at me saying why should she want to hear about something she can never go to. well fine bitch see if i try to talk to you. THEN, later, i tell her excitedly about a free redbox movie we can get tonight, you know, trying to share in the excitement. trying to be NICE. she shoots it down saying how unimportant it is. saying i should stop making it a big deal. saying I HAD AN ATTITUDE when i got slightly frustrated at her attitude. BITCH I AM DONE.


i will not talk to her the rest of the night unless i have to. I won't talk to her for as long as possible. AND, as petty as it is, if my mom doesn't want the last half of the pie, i'm eating. Let her get pissed about that the little brat.

oh and i'm thinking about telling her whyi let her sleep in past the time she is supposed to wake up. (she is supposed to be up by 10, i let her sleep till 12 or 1) its not to be nice. its so i don't have to DEAL WITH HER.

i am so tired of her negativity. tired of her bitchiness. tired of her crap!!

when i move out, eventually, i won't have anything to do with her. i will come to major events like her graduation, etc., and if she is in serious need i'll help if i can. i'm even willing to take her in if she ever needs a place to stay... but i'll also kick her ass out if she treats me like she treats me now.


but other than that.... small talk at family reunions..... thats it. she will be my sister, i love her, but other than what i listed... i won't have anything to do with her. i am just done.

clear it up

let me clear something up. i am still a lesbian. i am a lesbian with a boyfriend, but i am still a lesbian. Lesbians are women who have emotional and physical attractions to other females. a bisexual person feels emotionally and sexually attracted to both sexes, usually in a 40-60 ratio; most prefer one gender over another.  a pansexual loves both equally and doesnt really look at gender.

I am emotionally and sexually attracted to whoever i end up being attracted to. 9 out of 10 times, that person is a female. so. i identify as a lesbian. lets just keep that clear. <3