so i wore my senior hoody to sleep last night.... best night of sleep i've had in a while.
i ad 3 cats on the bed with me, i didn't toss and turn, no nightmares, and my jaw didn't hurt at all during the night and early morning.
i started my period this morning. I am glad.... it means i can get it over with.... BUT I HATE CRAMPS. i can feel my uterus constricting and contracting(?) ... uuuuughhhhhhh
love you guys <3
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
worried
I'm Worried... Cara is sick.
i am PRAYING that it is just the common cold that is exaggerated because of her asthma.... but in reality is is AT LEAST bronchitis... heading toward pneumonia.
gods be with her :/
i am PRAYING that it is just the common cold that is exaggerated because of her asthma.... but in reality is is AT LEAST bronchitis... heading toward pneumonia.
gods be with her :/
jaw
My jaw has been hurting for the past 2-3 weeks now..... it started hurting randomly and because it started hurting i started clenching my jaw in my sleep which then causes more pain in the jaw and in the ear.
i am in so much pain right now. i want to cry.
The only way to make the pain bearable is by chewing gum. i am on my last piece. FML.
What started the original pain that caused all this?? FUCKING WISDOM TEETH.
and yes i am at school, and i just cussed, and that will prolly raise a a flag but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I AM IN FUCKING PAIN.
i just want to tear off my jaw and rip out my left ear drum.
i need to get them out.... and if i remember correctly it would cost between 3-4 thousand dollars.
its not happening any time soon.... i have a dentist appointment soon... maybe in 2 weeks.... gods i hope they can give me good news.... but its not likely.
i am in so much pain right now. i want to cry.
The only way to make the pain bearable is by chewing gum. i am on my last piece. FML.
What started the original pain that caused all this?? FUCKING WISDOM TEETH.
and yes i am at school, and i just cussed, and that will prolly raise a a flag but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. I AM IN FUCKING PAIN.
i just want to tear off my jaw and rip out my left ear drum.
i need to get them out.... and if i remember correctly it would cost between 3-4 thousand dollars.
its not happening any time soon.... i have a dentist appointment soon... maybe in 2 weeks.... gods i hope they can give me good news.... but its not likely.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
computer test
So, i took the benchmark test in my computer class.... last time i made an 86, this time? i made a 94. I have t take it again i think... hopefully i'll make a 100 ;)
legal
yup...i'm officially an old person :P
i turned 18 today! i kind of have mixed feelings.
i am super excited, and happy, as i usually am when its my birthday....
but i'm also legal. My driver's permit has expired... i need to renew it
and i need a job before i can even try to get my license....
I am responsible for myself. I'm now liable for myself on an adult level. i'm not a kid anymore.
so i need to apply to:
Denny's- hostess
Starbucks
A.C. Moore
Bath and Body Works
Vector__ thing...
just as some ideas, but since i didn't bring my resume to school, i need to apply at home.
i turned 18 today! i kind of have mixed feelings.
i am super excited, and happy, as i usually am when its my birthday....
but i'm also legal. My driver's permit has expired... i need to renew it
and i need a job before i can even try to get my license....
I am responsible for myself. I'm now liable for myself on an adult level. i'm not a kid anymore.
so i need to apply to:
Denny's- hostess
Starbucks
A.C. Moore
Bath and Body Works
Vector__ thing...
just as some ideas, but since i didn't bring my resume to school, i need to apply at home.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Dream again~ it has mermaids ;)
so last nigh i had another dream tha i KNOW deals with sexuality. mermaids. i remember that they mean something with doubting the female sexuality.
so in the dream....
i'm in Costa Rica. I am on some kind of adventure and i end up defeating a bad guy to save a kidnapped baby, who i give to a young man. This young man will take her (smuggle her) back to her family. After that i end up exploring a jungle, and i follow a very exotic mermaid (a cross between the mermaids from Peter Pan, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Mermaids: he body found ) who has the colors of Dory from Nemo. I end up following he to tunnels, that remind me of water slides. remembering that mermaids will sometimes ea people i make sure o go into a different tunnel than the one that i followed. It takes me to a mermaid cove which is filled with all different types of mermaids. I end up finding out that the men there do not have to worry about being eaten as long as they serve the mermaids. In big waves i get to see the mermaid goddess: a beautiful mermaid, huge, with dark hair and black wings. She has 4 next in command mermaids, with white tails and white angel wings carrying intricate white spear-staffs. Something happens that i don't remember and The mermaid goddess is attacked and hurt, i end up getting to have a conversation with her. I sadly don't remember what was said, but i end up getting to keep a feather from her wing.
key items:
Costa Rica
Adventure
Baby
Mermaid
tunnel
Pod of mermaids
Giant waves
Goddess
Black Angel wings
four
White Angel wings
conversation
Black Feather
meanings:
Island (Costa Rica) - To see or dream that you are on an island signifies ease, relaxation and comfort.The dream is telling you that you need a vacation and escape the stresses in your life. It is time for some solitude.
Adventure- To dream that you are an adventurer indicates that you are lacking adventure in your waking life. You need some excitement and variety.
Baby - To dream of an extremely small baby symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands.
Mermaids - To see a mermaid in your dream signifies the female aspect of yourself that is mysterious and secretive. It may also show a fear of sex.For a woman, it suggests doubts over her femininity.
Tunnel - To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase "tunnel vision".
pod - To see a group in your dream refers to the merging of various aspects of your character and personality.
Waves - To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you are afraid to express in your waking life. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits
Goddess - To see a goddess in your dream symbolizes your femininity or feminine side.
black wings - To dream that you are flying with black wings signifies bitter disappointments.
four - Four denotes stability, physical limitations, hard labor and earthly things, as in the four corners of the earth or the four elements (earth, wind, fire and water). It also stands for materialistic matters and how you get things done.Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on being "for" a position. In Asian cultures, the number four is a metaphor for death.
white wings: To dream that you have the wings of an angel indicate your sweet, angelic quality. Or you may be in need of some protection from life's stresses and problems.
conversation - To dream that you are talking does not have any significance unless it is unusual or bizarre.
feather - To see a feather in you dream symbolizes warmth. You are expressing your tender side and a desire to be close to someone. Consider also how the dream may relate to the proverb "birds of a feather flock together". Perhaps you need to break away from the masses or you need to make new friends
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REMEMBER:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
notes:
so in the dream....
i'm in Costa Rica. I am on some kind of adventure and i end up defeating a bad guy to save a kidnapped baby, who i give to a young man. This young man will take her (smuggle her) back to her family. After that i end up exploring a jungle, and i follow a very exotic mermaid (a cross between the mermaids from Peter Pan, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Mermaids: he body found ) who has the colors of Dory from Nemo. I end up following he to tunnels, that remind me of water slides. remembering that mermaids will sometimes ea people i make sure o go into a different tunnel than the one that i followed. It takes me to a mermaid cove which is filled with all different types of mermaids. I end up finding out that the men there do not have to worry about being eaten as long as they serve the mermaids. In big waves i get to see the mermaid goddess: a beautiful mermaid, huge, with dark hair and black wings. She has 4 next in command mermaids, with white tails and white angel wings carrying intricate white spear-staffs. Something happens that i don't remember and The mermaid goddess is attacked and hurt, i end up getting to have a conversation with her. I sadly don't remember what was said, but i end up getting to keep a feather from her wing.
key items:
Costa Rica
Adventure
Baby
Mermaid
tunnel
Pod of mermaids
Giant waves
Goddess
Black Angel wings
four
White Angel wings
conversation
Black Feather
meanings:
Island (Costa Rica) - To see or dream that you are on an island signifies ease, relaxation and comfort.The dream is telling you that you need a vacation and escape the stresses in your life. It is time for some solitude.
Adventure- To dream that you are an adventurer indicates that you are lacking adventure in your waking life. You need some excitement and variety.
Baby - To dream of an extremely small baby symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands.
Mermaids - To see a mermaid in your dream signifies the female aspect of yourself that is mysterious and secretive. It may also show a fear of sex.For a woman, it suggests doubts over her femininity.
Tunnel - To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase "tunnel vision".
pod - To see a group in your dream refers to the merging of various aspects of your character and personality.
Waves - To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you are afraid to express in your waking life. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits
Goddess - To see a goddess in your dream symbolizes your femininity or feminine side.
black wings - To dream that you are flying with black wings signifies bitter disappointments.
four - Four denotes stability, physical limitations, hard labor and earthly things, as in the four corners of the earth or the four elements (earth, wind, fire and water). It also stands for materialistic matters and how you get things done.Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on being "for" a position. In Asian cultures, the number four is a metaphor for death.
white wings: To dream that you have the wings of an angel indicate your sweet, angelic quality. Or you may be in need of some protection from life's stresses and problems.
conversation - To dream that you are talking does not have any significance unless it is unusual or bizarre.
feather - To see a feather in you dream symbolizes warmth. You are expressing your tender side and a desire to be close to someone. Consider also how the dream may relate to the proverb "birds of a feather flock together". Perhaps you need to break away from the masses or you need to make new friends
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REMEMBER:
- I saved a baby, a VERY small baby.
- the four mermaids with white wings were guarding the goddess.
- The mermaid goddess had black wings.
- The goddess gave me a feather.... She had been giving me advice before she gave it
- The goddess came on a tidal wave that stood still, almost like a stage for her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
notes:
- saving the baby: I am seeing and admitting my fear of letting people know i am afraid of sex?
- Going though the tunnels: by realizing the last dream means i want sex i have become more aware, and i need to work through his fear to continue on.
- Black wings signify disappointment, the MERMAID goddess had black wings. so maybe: My fear of sex makes me doubt and feel disappointed in my sexuality.
- The four guardian mermaids represent good and purity, and they were protecting, so: i feel i need protection from stress? Maybe so i will be less afraid?
- The goddess gave me a feather: In order to get over my fear i need to get close to someone. then i won't be afraid of the sex?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
interpretation:
I need to admit my fear and let whoever i end up being with know about it. By admitting this, i can open myself to new hings. I am disappointed in myself for my fear of sex and i think subconsciously it makes me doubt myself and i think i feel less worthy because of it. I think that it is society that has made me feel this way, i think the expectations of sex an sexual activity make me feel like a freak or being afraid of it; that is why The four guardians were guarding the goddess, and maybe also that he protection from how society makes me feel will help to kill the fear? I believe the ultimate way of dispelling the fear of sex is to do it with somone i feel reall close to, someone i can trust.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
dream from last night
OK so last night i had an odd dream. i was dating this guy, who i think was a vampire. He looked exactly like a character in all of my stories.... Long black hair, toned muscles, but lean... i can't remember his face. He was nice, and sweet, protective, and made me laugh. it was really nice...
any way i dreamed that we were looking for some other vampires who were causing trouble and we ended up finding a storage unit place? any way it was full of cardboard boxes that were really soft aaaaannnnd we made out. it was fun. but then something happened and i was by myself, and i started looking for the vampires again. I ended up finding one, who was actually a vampire from a movie i saw ("We are the night"...it wasn't really good, but its something to watch if you are board). she had this young man by the throat, he looked terrified. He was a newly made vampire and when i said to let him go she said "okay!" and she hit a certain spot on his neck, and he started to freak out. In his fear he started to transform into some kind of hairy creature, i think he was slowly morphing into a bat. I ended up picking him up, he was half transformed and about the size of a three year old. He was covered in hair and was deformed, but he wasn't a threat. I held him like i would hold a frightened cat, and i remember thinking in my dream that it really was like holding a cat.
He eventually calmed down and began to transform back into a person....aaaaaaaaand thats all i remember.
so lets pick out key things:
What they represent:
storage area - To dream that you are at a self storage facility relates to issues that you are keeping to yourself instead of confronting. Items that you put into storage symbolizes the past. You are still hanging to some part of your past and are not completely ready to move forward.
cardboard boxes- To see a box in your dream signifies your instinctual nature and destructive impulses. Alternatively, you may be trying to preserve and protect some aspect of yourself. The box may also symbolize your limitations and restrictions. Consider the pun of "being boxed in".
making out - To dream that you are making out with someone suggests that you have an subconscious desire to pursue a relationship, but fear that it will jeopardize the friendship. If you don't like this person in this way, then the dream suggests that you need to acknowledge and incorporate aspects of this person into your own character. Consider specific traits that this person possess.
searching - To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem.
Vampires - To see a vampire in your dream symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside, you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to her or him. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic of someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
Transformation (person to animal) - To dream that you are changing into the form of an animal indicates that you are becoming less civilized, less restrained and becoming more free and instinctive. You may be expressing your new found freedom/independence and experiencing a lack of boundaries. Alternatively, taking the form of an animal suggests that your primal desires and/or repressed sexual urges are coming to the surface and needing to be satisfied. Consider also the animal that your turn into.
Bat - To see a bat in your dream symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also indicate some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal.
I bolded the things in each symbol that stuck out to me.
storage -i am keeping an issue to myself instead of being open about it
box -i am trying to preserve something about myself
making out -i want a relationship
searching - searching for love and spiritual enlightenment
vampire - related to sex, nobility and aggression
Transformation- becoming more free, primal desire, sexual desires
bat -rebirth and unrealized potential, my path is not compatible with my future.
sex. my dream is about sex.
keep an issue quiet? sex.
preserving something? my virginity
making out? want a relationship.
i was searching for a vampire... searching for someone fierce, sensual, and sexual...
transforming into a bat? a vampire (fierce and seductive) brings rebirth and unrealized potential.
i was comforting the bat-vamp... trying to sooth him and STOP his transformation...
i am trying not to go this way...
basically this dream says that i want a sexual relationship and it should be with someone fierce, sensual, that i am attracted to, and someone who will bring around a positive change within me, although i will try to fight it.
any way i dreamed that we were looking for some other vampires who were causing trouble and we ended up finding a storage unit place? any way it was full of cardboard boxes that were really soft aaaaannnnd we made out. it was fun. but then something happened and i was by myself, and i started looking for the vampires again. I ended up finding one, who was actually a vampire from a movie i saw ("We are the night"...it wasn't really good, but its something to watch if you are board). she had this young man by the throat, he looked terrified. He was a newly made vampire and when i said to let him go she said "okay!" and she hit a certain spot on his neck, and he started to freak out. In his fear he started to transform into some kind of hairy creature, i think he was slowly morphing into a bat. I ended up picking him up, he was half transformed and about the size of a three year old. He was covered in hair and was deformed, but he wasn't a threat. I held him like i would hold a frightened cat, and i remember thinking in my dream that it really was like holding a cat.
He eventually calmed down and began to transform back into a person....aaaaaaaaand thats all i remember.
so lets pick out key things:
- Storage unit
- cardboard boxes
- kissing
- searching
- vampires
- transformation
- bat
- comforting someone
What they represent:
storage area - To dream that you are at a self storage facility relates to issues that you are keeping to yourself instead of confronting. Items that you put into storage symbolizes the past. You are still hanging to some part of your past and are not completely ready to move forward.
cardboard boxes- To see a box in your dream signifies your instinctual nature and destructive impulses. Alternatively, you may be trying to preserve and protect some aspect of yourself. The box may also symbolize your limitations and restrictions. Consider the pun of "being boxed in".
making out - To dream that you are making out with someone suggests that you have an subconscious desire to pursue a relationship, but fear that it will jeopardize the friendship. If you don't like this person in this way, then the dream suggests that you need to acknowledge and incorporate aspects of this person into your own character. Consider specific traits that this person possess.
searching - To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem.
Vampires - To see a vampire in your dream symbolizes seduction and sensuality, as well as fear and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. It may depict someone in your waking life whose charm may ultimately prove harmful. Deep down inside, you know that this person is bad for you, yet you are still drawn to her or him. Vampires also sometimes relate to decisions about sex and losing your virginity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic of someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.
Transformation (person to animal) - To dream that you are changing into the form of an animal indicates that you are becoming less civilized, less restrained and becoming more free and instinctive. You may be expressing your new found freedom/independence and experiencing a lack of boundaries. Alternatively, taking the form of an animal suggests that your primal desires and/or repressed sexual urges are coming to the surface and needing to be satisfied. Consider also the animal that your turn into.
Bat - To see a bat in your dream symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also indicate some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal.
I bolded the things in each symbol that stuck out to me.
storage -i am keeping an issue to myself instead of being open about it
box -i am trying to preserve something about myself
making out -i want a relationship
searching - searching for love and spiritual enlightenment
vampire - related to sex, nobility and aggression
Transformation- becoming more free, primal desire, sexual desires
bat -rebirth and unrealized potential, my path is not compatible with my future.
sex. my dream is about sex.
keep an issue quiet? sex.
preserving something? my virginity
making out? want a relationship.
i was searching for a vampire... searching for someone fierce, sensual, and sexual...
transforming into a bat? a vampire (fierce and seductive) brings rebirth and unrealized potential.
i was comforting the bat-vamp... trying to sooth him and STOP his transformation...
i am trying not to go this way...
basically this dream says that i want a sexual relationship and it should be with someone fierce, sensual, that i am attracted to, and someone who will bring around a positive change within me, although i will try to fight it.
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