Availability thoughts

If I work 4-9 but only 7-11:30 then...

4.5 + 4.5 + 4.5 + 5 + 5 = 23.5 instead of 28... That's 305 paycheck...

It happened!

IT HAPPENED 

Pictures speak louder than words. 

It's about time! The road was bumpy but we made it!!

Ignorant and rude

Sometimes the ignorance and disrespect in this house irritates the fuck out of me.

So I once tried to explain to cara why she had almond shaped eyes. (how modern humans traveled from Africa to Eurasia then to the Americas, thus paleoindians actually being Asian) and today in a mocking tone she told my mother "Lisa says we all African after I made a comment about my almond eyes, she says were Asian" which my mother replies "but I thought she said we were African" like it was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. 

Then before I could actually explain anything (literally I said "that's not what-"), she cut me off saying "we are obviously going to disagree so don't even start".

Ugh! If she had actually let me say anything then I could have told her that humans originally came from Africa (I know she would mention skin color in which I would inform her that people were white, skin color darkened over time) and over time travelled. 

But no. Oh no. Gods forbid either of them actually learn something that has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN. Or at least have the decency to let me defend my statement which was rudely twisted around and mocked.

But no. They would rather be ignorant and rude.

Pisses me the fuck off.

cost calc 3 (new info)

i figured that tuition was 6200 a semester...


its 6200  a year....

so i won't be getting back about a thousand dollars back... i'll be getting about 4000 back.

4000 - 700 (text books)  = 3300

3300....

i'll put 500 into my savings... thats 2800.
i'll put... 1000 into a second savings account with USAA.

thats $1800 left over.

i can get my car a tune up (100$?)

$1700

then i can get some tires... 2 for me and 2 for mom.... 200$

$1500 left over.

I CAN GET BOOTS.

How I'm feeling

I'm feeling restless. 

I'm tired but not sleepy.... Or is it the other way around?

I want to know how Corie feels about last night.

I want to know why I still feel so upset about last night.

I have a hollow feeling inside my chest and eating doesn't help it. 

I don't want to be alone but I'm not in the mood to be around people.

I want to be with Corie but idk. She isn't feeling all that well, and idk. 

All id want to do is cuddle and watch movies.

Idk.

I'm feeling restless.

------------ update:

I'm at Corie's. I left my Bast necklace here. I'm wearing her. Ifk if it's the necklace or if I was just missing Corie but the empty hole in my chest feels better.

Ashamed but not

So I messed up tonight. Well I did but I didn't. 

My labido picked up today.... And when things got heavy Corie thought to use the "present " she bought me. 

Three guesses at what that is. 

And I figured I'd in good to go for fingering then why not try it?

Well when she got up to go get it... I freaked out. 

But I was going to do it. Until I felt it there. 

It was cold. It was hard. It was wrong. 

So I stopped her.  

And I wanted to cry. I did in fact, but my face was covered with a pillow. 

I'm ashamed I gave into my..fear?... 

But I'm not. I know she got her hopes up, she was excited, but I wasn't ok with it so I stopped her.

It wasn't right. It didn't feel right. It felt wrong.

I'm fairly certain this will ultimately lead to Corie breaking up with me.

And ... That makes me sad. To a point...

I'm not the only lesbian who doesn't like penetration.  And maybe eventually I will ... Use one. 

But not tonight.

I don't know why but I was really upset. Not at her , but at myself for disappointing her. For being a coward.

But coward or not it's my body. When something didn't feel right I stopped it. That's not a bad thing. I listened to my body.

Which is why I don't understand why when I got home I balled.... So hard that SG felt the need to hold me.

But I calmed myself down and went inside and I feel a little better. 

It just sucks that I ruined her Fourth of July.

convo with SG

ok  SG, lets go.

ok, lets go. ~

i feel like youre laughing at me. 

i am~

ok so, you are an elfin angel? kinda makes sense. 

at work you were letting me see yesterday through your eyes. 

yes~

i swear it was like i  could see it and almost make out your thoughts, but since i couldn't sit and focus it passed me by. two things are very clear love eternal you love me yes and you enjoy laughing at me yes

i love the feeling of your ings by the way. ings? *laugh*

F*ck you <3

they are a comfortable weight, warm and heavy. i can only imagine what it must feel like to amazing  have them all the time. 

as you know i'm skeptical about the princess thing. (.....i got the feeling that he was saying he knows but its true but i couldn't quite make it out.....)

we both knew id be a bit rusty

rusty isn't bad~

you're doing good~

i love you. 

At work when i wrote "i swear i love you" i wasn't sure who was saying it, me or you. but it was said in laughter and i get that vibe from you all the time. loving laughter. 

I don't know why i make you seem so serious in my head fear~ insecurities~

ugh i can't tell if im making up half of your responces or not you're not

i guess youre right seeing as half of what you are saying pops into my head when i'm only just starting my own thoguht or i'm only half way though thinking it. 

showoff :P *smile* you know what i;m going to say before even i do. 

and the sister is home,,, that means i'm going to stop but (he doesn't want me to... or is reluctant... he was enjoying this)

i am too. 

love you <3 till next time <3

****he thinks i'm adorable. that yesterday i was adorable. i got the feeling he smiled really big when i cheered yesterday about the fact that i knew we were lovers trust yourself

i actually find it really easy to understand the fact that we are lovers, our spirits. its not romantic on my part during this life but the love is strong and I CAN FEEL YOU IN MY HEAD MR.

 YEAH. KEEP LAUGHING. <3

but yeah. its hard to put into words. but i think i can understand his love for me. mentorly, patient, he is both in in love with me and not. our spirits are connected, but at the same time in this life at least they aren't. its very hard to explain .

mother is now in so i have to go......i almost feel like he is pouting haha. <3

and i think he is ok with me publishing this. he definitley is ok with me showing it to Josh.