hard to put into words

My mental state is....odd ... right now. Its hard to put into words. Its probably because i missed several doses of my meds last week , and its catching up to me but still..

I think i would be in a manic phase/episode. I don't feel sad or depressed....

see thats the thing with my bipolar.  going up or down, neither is good in my case. When i'm down its miserable... when i'm up? nothing is real. and when nothing is real, i stop caring.

Most mood swings have triggers... they can be something as small as not getting a slice of pizza (which has triggered a depressive episode)... today i saw kris. and it irritated me. from then on, the totally healthy vibe i had going on when i woke up today was gone.

since then i started fading into what my mom would call the "ice queen"... My emotions started to recied and my thoughts became more cold and calculating. Lauren, my new gf, called me during one of these moments and I think i hurt her feelings.

thats why when i go up, and things stop seeming real, its bad... when i go down, i'm in danger of hurting myself. When i go up? I usually hurt other people (i hurt their feelings).

I feel bad and she isn't responding to my text, which furthure confirms that i think i hurt her feelings. I do feel bad, or rather i know i will feel bad when this episode ends and i go back t normal.

But then at work, i started out as the ice queen but turned into a super-chipper-oh-my-god-is-she-on-coke-? kind of person.

and then the ride home.

and thats where it gets even more complicated to explain....
Its like my brain is fighting itself. All these different facets of myself are fighting eachother. the happy-go-lucky, the ice queen, the aggressive side... these all come out when i go up. they were all fighting. It still feels like they are fighting and internally all i can do is scream.

lately i've been thinking about suicide a lot. NOT FEELING SUICIDAL, but thinking about the topic a lot.

its like my faerie is being  deconstructed in my brain, and i'm being deconstructed, and all the little peices are going to war.

which of coarse makes no sense, but thats the best way to describe it.

and to top it off, i don't know who to talk to about it.

Amy? her and brooks saw the faerie come out, so they would best understand that part. but i don't want to bother amy.. and brooks, idk i feel like he would think i'm being dramatic and attention seeking.

i can't talk  to mom because, as much as she wants to, she wouldn't understand. Its just too much to explain... which is why i can't really talk to lauren.

I can't talk to anne, because like brooks, i feel like she would think i'm puting on a show.

I almost feel like i'm headed for another mental breakdown.. but its pale... the one i had on new years was in vivid color, this is pale in comparison.

i'm not making any sense.

its hard to put into words.


*******

i'm also PMSing out the ass.

1/19

So I didn't jinx it. We're a thing.

Lewis Henry Morgan research

Books he wrote:

• https://books.google.com/books?id=3iguAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwnsHRkcrRAhXI5YMKHdZXD5YQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false
•  https://books.google.com/books?id=CEdUAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan+author&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjuofjBksrRAhUZ24MKHUp_D1kQ6AEIJzAC#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan%20author&f=false

Books about him:

• https://books.google.com/books?id=zbc0c_YLcjUC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwnsHRkcrRAhXI5YMKHdZXD5YQ6AEIIDAB#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false
• https://books.google.com/books?id=SRb_AQAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjwnsHRkcrRAhXI5YMKHdZXD5YQ6AEIJjAC#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false
• https://books.google.com/books?id=7rEaAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=Lewis+Henry+Morgan&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj85fOFksrRAhUa24MKHXwZCw8Q6AEIOzAF#v=onepage&q=Lewis%20Henry%20Morgan&f=false

short story

So... I wrote a short story for my advanced fiction class..... and its very depressing. Its about young man who deals with the death of his twin. its a braided/juggling format that goes back and forth from memory and the present.

it ends hopeful, with the main character meeting his nephew who looks just like the dead brother. and for the first time in 6 months he actually speaks... finding a new reason to live and a piece of his brother.

so it ends hopeful, but is still a really sad story all together.

and i was hoping it would make people cry...

it did. It made my friend maggie ball - as she said "openly weep".

it made my mom tear up.

which makes me feel awesome about my writing...

we'll see how it plays out in the writing workshop.

possibilities

i met someone. and i think that there is a real possibility with this girl. I don't want to say too much and end up jinxing it like last time.... but .. yeah. I met someone.

advisor

I talked with Dr. Bunger. He agreed with me: "stick to your guns" - i'm keeping the damn class.

Granted this means i will probably be on Dr. Mathews' bad side... which means i will have to work that much harder and blow her away. In keeping this class, and fighting her, I will need to prove myself.

I have no room for error.

the pressure is on...


Thoth, god of writing and wisdom i ask for your help and support. I'm going to need you more than ever.

Spring semester AGAIN WITH THE CHAOS

Dr. Mathews is trying to pressure me to drop the class and take it next year. But i've already bought the book. I;ve already paid for the class. and there are only 2 spots left in ethnography.... i've missed the first day of ethnography and i hear that the teachter is a hard ass... she may count it as an absence. I need to talk to this other professor and just see if i can manage the stitch to her class.... but i really don't want to drop theory and take it next year. Its so u porfoessional of Dr. Mathews and i'm honestly so pissed. 
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PIN: 934645

it seems we have hit a snag.

Public speaking is friggin full. 

if i can't have public speaking.... :(

i could take 
Major British Writers: 31632 T/TH 2-3:15

or

THE SUPERNATURAL COUNTS AS A FINE ARTS AND HUMANITIES....not offered in the spring though

ORRR

I coudl be smart and look at whaty i have on the other blog post....


now i need one more humanities and 1 fine art...

for fine art i could take art appreciation...
15:30 - 16:45 = 3:30-4:15... shit. T/TH

or hold on off on all of those until i'm a senior and can actually get the classes i want....

and just get rid of my last social science?

Soci: courtship and marriage T/TH 2-3:15

and so.....

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Total i need for Creative Writing: 9 credits

• Core
• Eng 2815 intro to creative writing  -3 (MW 2-3:15) --- TAKING IN SPRING
• Eng 3830, 3840, 3850, 3860  taking now. 
• 2 Cognates
• The Short Story - taken last year
• 3851 Fiction from writer's POV    -3
• 1 elective
• 4850 Advanced Fiction Writing    -3 TAKING IN THE SPRING

source: http://catalog.ecu.edu/preview_program.php?catoid=10&poid=2463&hl=%22creative+writing+minor%22&returnto=search

For My Anth Major: 6 credits

• Feild methods -  senior spring - 3 writing intensive
• Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive (T/TH 8-9:15) TAKING IN THE SPRING

(writing intensive will be complete)

For my General ed: 15 credits

• Comm 2410 - public speaking 11-11:50T/TH 3:30 - 4:45, (T) 6:00 pm-09:00 pm)- Fine Art 3
• Spanish 4 - 3 TAKING IN THE SPRING
• Humanities with fine arts (pic 2) - 6
•  PHIL 1275 - morals
•  PHIL 2272 - sex
•  PHIL 2272 - phil of religion
• 1 more social science since Psych of Religion didn't count (choose 1) - 3
• COMM 3152 - interpersonal theory/maintain relationships (MWF 1-1:50, 2-2:50)
• HIST 1031 world history since -1500 -> offered in the spring (T/TH 9:30-10:45)
• POLS 1050 pol and global understanding -> (MWF 8-8:50, 9-9:50) 
• SOCI 1025 Courtship and Marriage (T/TH 2-3:15)TAKING IN THE SPRING
• SOCI 1010 Race, Gender, Class ( T/TH 9:30-10:45,11-12:15, 5-6:15 )
• 3 elective classes 
• Classic Mythology
• Grimm Glass
• Paranormal Class
• Hospitality classes: 2100, 2170, and maybe 2200

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Math: 

i need 120 credits to graduate.... i have 81(including the classes i'm in now)...

thats 39 left. 15+6+6 = 30 credit hours of classes i specifically need. thats 9 free hours = 3 elective classes. 

after the spring.....

120 - 81 = 39 - 15 (spring) = 24 for senior year

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Classes For Spring 2017 (only take 5)

available to register: Tuesday, November 1st 2pm

MWF
Spanish 4 1-1:50 

Intro to Creative Writing 2-3:15 

T/TH

Anth Theory 8-9:15

Advanced Fiction Workshop 12:30 - 1:45

Courtship and Marriage 1-3:14

Thoth.... Sarasvati.... please let me get the classes i need. 




TEXTBOOKS

all BOUGHT via student store = 221.70 .... now i'll probably get 25% back if i sell them back to the university.... so ultimately it will be: 221.7 - 55.42 = 166.28

B&N RENTAL = 209.77

looks like i'm buying all the books from the school and seling them back at the end of the year...

unless.....

RENT from B&N:
Art of fiction
Making Shapely Fiction
History of Anthropological theory Ed 4
= 34.25 --> 36.65 with tax and shipping

and buy from ECU:
Choices in relationships 
= 163.30 (if i get 25% back then 122.48)

34.25 + 122.48 = 156.73 --> 174.73 with tax

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Work availability 

MWF: 7-12 and 4-10

T/TH: 5-11

sat: open-close

sun: open - 11

------------------------------------------------------------------
for NEXT FALL -- research at the end of spring semester

Needed for Minor:
Eng 3851 Fiction from the Writer's Perspective
may need to consider: Eng 3410 into ro poetry

Needed for Major:
Anth 3050 Ethnographic Field Methods - Spring

For General Ed:
Fine Arts: Art 1910 Art Appreciation

Humanities: chose one

•  PHIL 1275 - morals
•  PHIL 2272 - sex
•  PHIL 2272 - phil of religion

3 Elective Classes

• CLAS 1500 - Classic Mythology --> fall
• FORL 268- Grimms' Fairy Tales ??
• ENG 2570 Paranormal Class --> Fall
• Hospitality classes: 2100 (ledging F&S), 2170 (management, F&S), and maybe 2200 (special events F&S)