2 Narrative Poems

Traveling Notebook: #6 Cemetery 

I walk through the yellowing grass,
it lays like a blanket over the coffins sleeping below.
The headstones act as beckons for those who wish to visit the souls that are no longer here.
For a moment I am among the old bones, until suddenly I am staring at the new.

My friend Carson lies forever sleeping in his coffin,
his eyes closed and looking almost purple - bruised.
He is so still he resembles a wax figure or a doll,
My friend is no longer there; this is but an empty shell.

My thoughts keep me in the church, staring at his pale form
while my watering eyes are searching for the names on the stones,
My feet shuffle on the grass, much in the same way they did in the church
while I waited in line to say goodbye to my friend for the last time.

The cemetery is beautiful,
It lies undisturbed off of a country road in goldsboro.
I look at it one last time as I climb into my girlfriend's car
watching it disappear in the rearview mirror once more.

As it fades, so does my pain.
Carson is resting under a blanket of earth, although I don't know where.
Unlike the quiet graves I have just seen I know he will be visited regularly,
but not by me.


Broken Road to you

I'm driving down the highway on my way back home from her house,
The yellow lines in the road lulling me to a mindset of meditation.
 headlights illuminating the way for my thoughts,
My mind travels on another plane, speeding as fast as my car.

Life has taken me along a road riddled with pit stops,
as I maneuvered my way around I became stuck at different points,
My heart feeling every jolt, causing it to grow more fearful every time.
A broken road full of firsts.

The first speed bump was Jake,
all the laughter and innocence of true love shine bright in my mind like a sun.
His fiery red hair and protectiveness made me feel safe and alive,
My first love, my first heartbreak, my former best friend.

Second came Katie,
The excitement of dating a girl and not hiding who I was,
It was freeing and exhilarating. But I was her secret.
My first girlfriend, my first experience at true rejection of my faith

Then came Bree
Attraction almost instantly, it was like electricity.
Years of conversations and a blossoming friendship.
My first missed chance, but closest confidant.

A green light with Staci.
Being introduced by chance and immediately know there was something there.
A kind and compassionate step, a true possibility.
My first serious girlfriend. My first time in bed...

Then the sudden red light that was Corie.
Everything was new and exciting. I learned so much.
Learning about the tarot cards and the art of seduction.
The first time I realized something was wrong with me.

Next was Kennedy, a deep pothole.
She told me she was a player, I tried so hard to be good enough.
I never stood a chance, she was taken long before we ever started going out.
The first time I was ever taken for a fool, forever making me paranoid.

Then I thought the lane ended with Kris...
Exciting is an understatement. She seemed so wonderful, with blue eyes electric...
Flirting and warm - a instant hold upon me, but suddenly ice cold and distant.
The first time being told I "wouldn't be able to handle" someone. Rejection as a birthday present.

Finally I have Lauren
It is as if the gods have made her perfect for me. Venus answering my prayers.
Compassionate and caring, humorous and undaunted.
For the first time, I am good enough.

The car jerks and bounces as I pull into my neighborhood,
The street is riddled with potholes launching me back into my body,
Back to the steering wheel in my hand and the pedal benwath my foot.
In a minute I am home.

Here we go again...

My Bain is revolting against me.

Continuing with my new method of explaining my bipolar... my purple is mostly blue right now.

Insecurities are barating me.
Anxiety is setting into my muscles and chest.
I have the urge to curl up in a ball and receade from everything and everyone.
I'm over analyzing every minute of today.

Ugh.

One moment happened earlier which sent a strike of blue into my brain and it's been growing ever since. Now it's taking over.

I really need to learn how to access the red, so I can combat this when it happens.

I really hate this part of bipolar.

Climbing up

I don't know if this is just infatuation or if it's the beginning of falling....

Infatuation is fast and intense and passionate... I was def infatuated with kris.

But with lauren? It's steady, it's not chaotic with drastic up and downs.. it's safe and comforting. I want to see her all the time but it's not like a drug, it's a nice feeling. I miss her, but it's not going to drive me crazy.

I feel a steady attachment to lauren growing. It has a pace I can actually keep tack of.. it makes sense. Granted I'm getting very attatched, very soon. I'm a bit nervous and hesitant, butt at the same time it's a risk I want to take.

I don't think it's just infatuation, because it's not chaotic and illogically intense; I think I may be discovering that it is very possible that I will fall in love with lauren. I'm not there yet, but if love is the drop at the end of the Clift? I'm climbing my way up, and I'm actually not afraid to jump down when I do get to the top. I'm nervous and insecure; so insecure but at the same time she reassures me.

I can ctualky see real possibilities with her.

However it's been less than a month and I should not be feeling this as early as it is in the game. That's how I get hurt - every time. 

But I can't help it. I'm making my way up the trail, let just hope that if I do make it to the top, and fall in love with her... I won't get hurt this time... 

I still have a long way to go before I comfortably say "I'm in love"... but I'm almost where I can can say "I'm starting to fall.."

personality factors

Took a personality factor quiz.... found it quite accurate except for the imagination... i feel like i should have scored higher.

warmth: 75

intellect: 75

emotional stability 50

assertiveness 63

gregariousness 69

dutifulness 50

friendliness 75

sensitivity 69

distrust 31

imagination 56

reserve 25

anxiety 81

complexity 81

self reliance 63

orderliness 44

emotionality 56 (what even is this?)

another health problem

So.... After going to the clinic for the flu.... and then possible pink eye... i have been avoiding going back due to swelling in my throat. Naturally i figure, its my lymph nodes fighting off a possible sinus infection.. well its only on one side now and its so painful. I've actually reached back there and pressed it (it secretes a mucus-like substance) and come to find out its actually a linguistic tonsil thats inflamed... which means...back to the clinic i go... they are going to think i'm a hypochondriac.... but i'm so done with this pain.


its making me cough more.
it hurts to swallow.
it hurts to eat.
it hurts to talk.

It feels like i have a stone siting at the base of my tongue that i just can't swallow.

let me explain

so let me explain something.

there are 2 Lisas in my brain. Both are still me, both are Lisa; but each one thinks and processes things differently. Its almost as if each sees a different color. Lisa 1 sees everything in blue and Lisa 2 sees everything in red. Both are Lisa but have different perceptions.

Lisa 1 - BLUE
- compassionate
-playful
-empathetic
-proud
-emotional
- openly vulnerable
-places others before self
-warm
-lives and focuses on relationships with others
- primary purpose is to help others
-want to teach/boost others
-apologizes a lot
- protective but passive
-Depressive
- Hufflepuff


Lisa 2 - RED
- instinctive
-mischievous
- distant
-vain
- emotional but not in the same way. what scares Lisa 1 may excite Lisa 2.
-vulnerable but hides it VERY well.
-looks after own interest
- colder in personality
-lives to have control; over situations, over people, etc
-primary focus... unknown.
-ambitious. advancement of self is priority, but will gladly help others along the way.
-
-protective but aggressive
-Manic
-slytherin

I always have these 2 lisas in my head. always. think of it like yin and yang. or... back to blue and red. Most of the time i'm a nice purple.... sometimes the purple has more red in it.... sometimes the purple has more blue... but purple is my average. Then there is sometimes when I go almost all blue. Then there are times when I go almost all red - this is rare. I don't usually go all red. I'm usually purple, a balance of the 2 perceptions in my mind, blue and red thoughts going through me evenly.

Does this make sense? Well Lisa 2, the RED thoughts in my brain..... thats what i call my faerie side.

so when i talk about how my faerie came out or having to rely on or become "the faerie"... it just means that i had to go more red than purple or blue.

now this could just be another way i interpret my bipolar. except that this is something that i can sometimes control.

I can sometimes force myself to think is mostly red, sometimes it just happens naturally. .

I got asked by a close friend of mine.... "What do you want?"


I want to be recognized. all of me. I want those who are closest to me to know that i have these 2 sides in me, and sometimes they become unbalanced and it changes my thinking and behavior. The me that everyone knows is the "purple". sometimes when i'm in a depressive phase i become "blue". I rarely become "red" because it scares me... but i'm learning to deal with it.

Faerie sighted

I started freaking out at work. It was so bad... but I kept it all in my head. I ended up using my faerie side in order to get myself together. And it was great. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore. I could think more clear, I felt a bit stronger, I had a bit more energy and I wasn't dizzy anymore.

Granted, I was pretty much set on "pissed" in order to power through being sick. The longer she was my perception the better I felt. I could feel my depression slipping away, and as she began to enjoy herself the better our mood became. No longer irritable, we wanted to play. 

Instead we sun bathed and people watched until it was time for class, at which time she faded, leaving me feeling sick once again, but in a better mental state. 

Fortunately I can feel her in the back of my mind. Usually I can't feel her at all unless she is needed in an emergency, then she simply just appears. I have not yet mastered the art of calling her up at the drop of a hat. But now I feel less vulnerable, and I'm pleased at how fluid my mind feels right now.