juggler

i'm bad at juggling.... i keep dropping balls and i need to at least see what balls i have,

1. school - classes, planning for grad school maybe. idk. 
2. work 1 - foodlion
3. work 2 - bistro 
4. social life - both partners, steadily shrinking friend group
5. self care - eating, sleeping, taking my meds, showering, etc
6. responsibilities - bills, cats, taxes, etc.
7. spirituality - my inner circle,readings, meditation, gods, looking into shamanism. (more on that last one in future blog posts)

i can tell you right now that both 2 and 3 aren't bringing in enough money for 5 and 6. 

the balls ive been dropping the most?

5 and 7.i'm not taking care of myself physically, mentally, or spiritually. 6 too, the cats need flea treatments; poor things are getting eaten up. I’ve been neglecting them and I feel bad. 

gods above i need more hands.

I think I might need to be a hermit for a week or so.

Fae got to play - sex post

So..... last night fae got to play.

Jimmie came over last night. We fooled around and I finally made it up to two fingers..... ow. But I did it. If I can do it a few more times then I might finally make it to actual penetrative sex. Scary but exciting. With Jimmie the fear is receading.

So we fooled around and then he gave me a “sex Ed lesson” in which I touched his penis.... and then when he started to have reactions to what I wa asking.... fae came out. and She gave him a blow job. Mind you it was something that I wanted to do, and it was more practical than constantly licking my fingers, but I let fae drive because she wasn’t as nervous as I was.

And then afterward she was fading and I was taking the wheel again.... until Jimmie said she was like a goddess.  Suddenly fae has the wheel and pretty much attaches him..... I’d jimmis thought I was aggressive when I made out with him, fae is doubly so.

Fae is a total dim, I’m a sub that likes to have dominance taken from me. He seduced her and then pretty much has to hold on and enjoy the ride because he set her off.

Then when she has her fun again I got to be me, got sweet goodnight kisses and then slept amazingly well.

But good lord. Frannie, brooks, and Bigus were right. When I do fully awaken sexually I’m going to be a monster....

However this also helps because faeriw magic is sensual and sexual.

And boy is fae ready.

Thruple

So I guess..... I’m in a thruple.

This girl that Jimmie has been talking to also happens to be interested in me. Her name is Ayla and she and I get along great.

Well I guess we are a thruple. And while she has had multiple sex partners, this I her first time Actualluy dating anyone - and she’s dating a couple.

Granted I’ve already felt mild jealousy, and I’m concerned with making sure she doesn’t get uncomfortable. Like I hesitate to kiss Jimmie infront of her, I don’t want her to feel left out.
I also just need to become more comfortable with her; friendly reminder I am actually shy.

But like I’m also scared that a he will end up liking her more and leave me.... and I have become emotionally invested in this thing we have. Like I just have this sneaking anxiety.

I’ve always been curious about poly, and now I’m actually experiencing it. It’s new and I’ve got a lot to learn.

But for the time being I’m having fun and just  going with it.

I have a male partner
I have a girlfriend

I’m in a thruple.

Maggie

So Maggie sent me. Song called “Bastards” by Kesha. It’s dqwwr and made me cry. Then aha sent me this;

“Seriously, just let it go. You are too good to be treated like shit. I used you as a punching bag and I shouldn’t have. You really deserve better.

You need to realize though that pain is no excuse. It was literally inexcusable. Just like what you’re going through now. No excuses. All I can do is make it up to you.

I’m sorry for the pain you’re in.”


And now we are talking about birthday plans to mertyl beach.

I love her. I’ve missed her so much.

I really needed to hear this

Hard

gods above this is so hard. Fighting these thoughts. It would just be so easy. So simple. By the time I finished writing goodbyes and sending them the pills would kick in and I could just go to sleep.
No more pain or worry or anger or hurt or anything. Peace.

Saying no is so hard.

One foot than another.
Give a smile.
Keep breathing.
Fake it till you make it.

But by the gods if These waves don’t stop I’m going to break.

Drowning

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Tread water . Keep your head above the waves. Just keep swimming. Just keep breathing.

Just keep walking. Left foot. Right foot. Breathe.  Again. Left. Righ. Breathe. Again.

This will pass. Give it a few hours.

This will pass. Just give it a few weeks. 

The pain after that will pass too.

Just keep swimming. 

Lungs burning.

Limbs tired. 

Just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming. 

Please.

Cutting myself down

Brooks am sure I are the hanged man..... well I'm cutting myself down.

Brooks wants to push me away then fine. I'll leave. I'm done trying. I'm done holding out the hope that he will get over himself . He will never apologize but I was hoping his anger would at least dissipate. But no. And I've had enough.

I've been like a yoyo with him. He pushes me away and I come right back. I'm not a you and this time I'm not coming back unless he actively tries to pull me back. But he won't. He said tok prideful and spiteful.

But missing him and caring so much, holding out how and being disappointed every time I see him has been making me suicidal. I've written two notes, almost gone through it twice in the past week.

He's not worth it. I love him so much it hurts me and it needs to stop.

When you get gangrene in your foot you chop it off.

He has isolated me, I'm gong to lose most of my friends by doing this but I have to. Self preservation.


No longer will I be the hanged man. I'm taking action and cutting myself down.


And it hurts. So badly.