so many thoughts

i have so many thoughts and all of hem different i feel like i can't put them all in one post. and if i had blogged even an an hour or two sooner the posts would be very different.

top 2 grad school research

Texas - Michner Center for Writers at University of Texas at Austin

• free tuition - no teaching
• health care - ??
•  27500 stipend a year
• 27500 / 12 (months in a year) = 2291. 
• one bedroom apartments: (still need to see distance from university)
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/GrandMarc-Austin/100031400/#information_section -> student living, furnished, pricing not listed....probably crazy expensive
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Woods/2476/ -> furnished, $800, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/The-Manor/100015996/ -> A2, $825, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Woods/2476/ -> Buemont, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Balcones-Club-Apartments/6377/ --> A1, 800, 
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/Austin/Solaris-Apartment-Homes/8164/ --> 506, $710, washer and dryer
• https://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Texas/San-Marcos/Village-Green-Apartments/100011517/ --> chealsea, 699$, washer dryer facility 
• https://www.apartments.com/sterling-village-austin-tx/xch2d2m/ --> 619$ 
• so on average rent would be at least 800. lets say 825. 2291 - 825 = 1466. - 200 (health insurance?) = 1266 - 160 (car payments) - 1106 - 100 (cats) = 1006 - 160 (car insurance) = 946 - 100 (electric?) = 846 - 50 (phone) = 796 - 50 (internet) = 746... - 50 (savings) = 696.... yeah thats def enough money to live off of. 

Missisippi (to be continued)

date night

So.... date night was worth the wait. We went to a fancy Indian place and then got coffee and talked it wa great.


Still actually having coffee, update to come

Wasted

I feel like my entire day has been wasted.  I got out of class at like 1130, and wanted to cuddle with Jimmie. But he was still in class. So I waited.

Then he said he had an errand to run with his roommate Cory,  but that was only supposed to take 30 minutes.  Then from the car he asks if I want him and Corie to bring me a new dresser to use. So I got the room ready.

 Almost an hour later I’m still waiting.

 It is now 330 and I have wasted my whole day.

Waiting.

I could’ve gone on a walk.
I could’ve gotten lunch with Haley.
But no, I’ve been waiting.

 I am so fucking annoyed.


And I never got my fucking cuddles.

finals

soooo.....finals are here...\


already took the one for criminology today.... i think i maybe made an 80.

i take my sciology final today at 11

i take the fairy tales final on thursday at 12.

my mythology exam Friday at 11.

xmas dinner pt 2

things got better after the anxiety attacks.



for one, all the girls (amy, chasidy, and lexi) bambarded me in the bathroom and i was being smothered with hugs and being told how awesome i am. (aw. it was sweet). They figured with this being the first time me being out with ayla and Jimmie i was feeling self conscious.

and maybe i was, just a very little bit.

but i think it had more to do with the fact that i was calling ayla my girlfriend to everyone when in all actuality shes not. She Jimmie's other girlfriend and shes someone i'm kinda seeing/being friends with. And putting up faces for the sake of simplicity was getting to me.

i looked damn fine too.

things got better after everyone moved to the bar or outside to smoke, then it was just me and ayla and amy for a bit. I started dancing.... felt dumb but then started having some much fun i didn't care. I love dancing to lounge music. its the easiest and silliest way to dance and it put me at ease. I danced with ayla. I danced with Jimmie. I danced by myself mostly.... and it felt great.


i pulled myself out of my funk and panic and anxiety and emotions and just....danced. I didn't have to think anymore. didn't have to worry about brooks. Or jimmie. or Ayla. just move my body to the sound of easy and happy music.

and i felt better.
.... the double shot of frangelico probably helped just a smidge.

Xmas dinner

I’m at the bistro Xmas dinner and gods above help me.

I’m half a glass of wine in and I’m drowning.

So many thoughts.
So many emotions.
Seeing everyone together again....


I wish I could hug brooks. He’s actually been nice to me yesterday and tonight. Almost like before the fight. He’s looking into my eyes when he talks and there is no malice...

But I won’t let my hopes get up. I won’t fall for it. The other show will drop and he’ll go back to being an asshole.

Then it’s out first function out as a poly group. For simplicity sake I’m saying she’s my girlfriend but I just want to scream.

Brooks is talking to me like nothing is happened. I want to scream.

My brain is on overdrive and all I want to do is scream.

Ayla talks to me - wanna scream
Jimmie stands near me - wanna scream.
Brooks breathes - wanna scream.


I just want to just curl up in a ball and be held by Amy.



Just just just. Cut it all off.