my thiighhts are in a whirlwind.
What I talked to Victoria about.
Am I hearing things? And if so, what did Aaron actually say and why did I misheard him?
What does “be still” mean? Time will just work everything out? I know he’s making an effort, so why do I still feel this way? How will being still fix it?
And why is my brain bringing up pointless issues and negative feelings when I’m trying to go to sleep?
Ugh!
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
How do?
how does one make friends?
I’m not in school anymore which was the best chance of making friends I had.
Maggie I feel like has moved on.
Victoria is moving away.
As is, I run the risk of suffocating Savannah with my friendship. I don’t want to become a nuescence.
So how does one make friends as an adult-ish person?
Because I am so very lonely.
Because I am so very lonely.
Monday, August 20, 2018
NOT giving up on Grad School
Cornell University (Ithica, NY)
University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, MI)
University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, IN)
University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop (Iowa City, IO)
Miami University, Ohio
Cameron and i chatted....
West Virginia University.
fully funded. teaching stipend of 15,650$
talking to him this sounds like an amazing school.... only take 3 fiction writers though...
University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (Ann Arbor, MI)
University of Notre Dame (Notre Dame, IN)
University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop (Iowa City, IO)
Miami University, Ohio
Cameron and i chatted....
West Virginia University.
fully funded. teaching stipend of 15,650$
talking to him this sounds like an amazing school.... only take 3 fiction writers though...
Sunday, August 19, 2018
I love you
You’re asleep.
I’ve dozed back and forth for the last two or three hours.
Please don’t leave me.
We are in a rough transitional period.
Please don’t give up on me.
I love you.
I’ve dozed back and forth for the last two or three hours.
Please don’t leave me.
We are in a rough transitional period.
Please don’t give up on me.
I love you.
Fuck it
So I’m the bad guy because once again I’m in a bad mood. Why?
Because inconsiderate behavior irritates the hell out of me. And I’ve had a headache for the past 3 hours.
For the THIRD time Jimmie has unplugged something of mine that was charging to make room for him to use. After I just said something to him about it.
And on top of that they (mostly Racheal) are being really loud. AT THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING. And the response I got every time I bring up the fact that people are sleeping? Both of them said “fuck ‘em”.
Blatant inconsideration.
It pisses me off.
But I’m the bad guy and Jimmie is mad because I’m in a bad mood.
Just fuck it.
Maybe I’ll go sleep at moms tonight.
**update: Diana points out the time and they fucking quiet down. What the fuck. I’m so fucking done.
Because inconsiderate behavior irritates the hell out of me. And I’ve had a headache for the past 3 hours.
For the THIRD time Jimmie has unplugged something of mine that was charging to make room for him to use. After I just said something to him about it.
And on top of that they (mostly Racheal) are being really loud. AT THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING. And the response I got every time I bring up the fact that people are sleeping? Both of them said “fuck ‘em”.
Blatant inconsideration.
It pisses me off.
But I’m the bad guy and Jimmie is mad because I’m in a bad mood.
Just fuck it.
Maybe I’ll go sleep at moms tonight.
**update: Diana points out the time and they fucking quiet down. What the fuck. I’m so fucking done.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Rant
this is a rant. I have people coming over soon and I need to make myself cheery - which means I need to get this off my chest so I can play host.
i have finished all my food prep for the party. jimmie and i get back from the store and diana is playing video games, jimmie makes a comment indicating he is about to play with her, so i play on my phone. as he is making hs lunch he tells me he has next saturday off.
i say "cool".
he adds that he has monday and tuesday as half days - again i say "cool". I don't know what he was expecting. cool, get to see you for a few hours before i go to work. its not like we can really do anything sine we only have from 12 until 4.
then he mutters "i'm sorry i can't make this relationship work." to me, this seems like a dramatic statement so i ask him where it came from. he tells me that for the past month ive been nothing but negative, that all i do is stay on my phone, i'm never excited, and that i might as well be a teenager.
2 weeks out of that month ive been depressed. as for everything else? what tee fuck am i suppose to do? i can be on my phone or i can do the same exact thing on my laptop. Diana is pretty much on the tv all the time and when he is home they pretty much just play video games. what am i suppose to do other than be on my phone? there is nothing to do!
i'm bored and i'm unhappy.
when he has time off all it means is that i actually get to wake up next to him. Maybe watch an episode or two of our show if i'm lucky. Most of the time He just plays on his phone and watches boring youtube videos - so i likewise am on my phone.
and what is there to get excited over? A fucking computer that wasn't fucking there? Oh yay, i get to lay in bed on my pone next to you while you watch educational youtube videos - or worse fucking family guy clips.
what is there to be excited about? What is there for me to do other than be on my phone?
like i dont know what the fuck he expects from me?
And I am not about to have a fucking fight with him in front of Diana.
i have finished all my food prep for the party. jimmie and i get back from the store and diana is playing video games, jimmie makes a comment indicating he is about to play with her, so i play on my phone. as he is making hs lunch he tells me he has next saturday off.
i say "cool".
he adds that he has monday and tuesday as half days - again i say "cool". I don't know what he was expecting. cool, get to see you for a few hours before i go to work. its not like we can really do anything sine we only have from 12 until 4.
then he mutters "i'm sorry i can't make this relationship work." to me, this seems like a dramatic statement so i ask him where it came from. he tells me that for the past month ive been nothing but negative, that all i do is stay on my phone, i'm never excited, and that i might as well be a teenager.
2 weeks out of that month ive been depressed. as for everything else? what tee fuck am i suppose to do? i can be on my phone or i can do the same exact thing on my laptop. Diana is pretty much on the tv all the time and when he is home they pretty much just play video games. what am i suppose to do other than be on my phone? there is nothing to do!
i'm bored and i'm unhappy.
when he has time off all it means is that i actually get to wake up next to him. Maybe watch an episode or two of our show if i'm lucky. Most of the time He just plays on his phone and watches boring youtube videos - so i likewise am on my phone.
and what is there to get excited over? A fucking computer that wasn't fucking there? Oh yay, i get to lay in bed on my pone next to you while you watch educational youtube videos - or worse fucking family guy clips.
what is there to be excited about? What is there for me to do other than be on my phone?
like i dont know what the fuck he expects from me?
And I am not about to have a fucking fight with him in front of Diana.
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