I want to wait it out and not go home until he contacts me but I need sleep. And I want my babies. And I’m hungry.
Besides, I really shouldn’t have gone to Amy with this. It’s not her problem and she shouldn’t have to hear about it or anything of the sort. It was really nice of her and brooks to let me stay though.
So.. I go home and sleep on the couch.
What then?
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Passing the time
I don’t know what I doing.
I can’t belive I actually left the apartment. Packed a bag, and walked about.
And he’s most likely not even going to remember anything that fucking happened.
He hurt me. Emotionally and physically. I might need to find my wrist brace.
I feel betrayed. I felt fear... now I mostly feel rage.
He didn’t hit me. But he shoved me hard enough where if my head had made contact with that side table, I would have been seriously hurt. Thankfully I missed it. Barely.
And it was so sudden... one second he’s leaning his head to mine, the next I’m airborne.
So now I’m at Amy’s. Trying to sleep in the nest I made in her closet.
It’s the same thing from last night... I can’t sleep without him.
So it looks like I’m going to pull an all nighter.
I’ve got at least 8 hours to kill before he wakes up.
Probably even longer before he contacts me. And I refuse to go home before he contacts me.
Fae wanted to hurt him. Still does. He is now a possible threat in her eyes.
I just want to cry. I want to be held and made to feel safe... but I don’t want him to touch me.
He could have seriously hurt me. As in, a trip to the hospital kind of hurt. And he didn’t even realize he did it? How can I trust someone like that?
I’m not leaving him as long as he agrees to the two previously stated conditions. But I also feel so lost right now. I was so scared. I honestly thought as I fell that I would 100% hit the corner with my head.
I wish I was home with my cats. Then I might be more likely to get some sleep.
But I left and couldn’t bring them.
I want to go home, but have to wait.
Maybe I’ll sleep in my car.
And I’m starving. The only thing I ate was the crackers-cheese-salami snacks we had earlier.
And the day before that all I had was... 5 breadsticks, 2 pieces of pizza, and some ice cream.
Fuck I need to eat.
And I bet that chicken is still on the counter at home.
I can’t belive I actually left the apartment. Packed a bag, and walked about.
And he’s most likely not even going to remember anything that fucking happened.
He hurt me. Emotionally and physically. I might need to find my wrist brace.
I feel betrayed. I felt fear... now I mostly feel rage.
He didn’t hit me. But he shoved me hard enough where if my head had made contact with that side table, I would have been seriously hurt. Thankfully I missed it. Barely.
And it was so sudden... one second he’s leaning his head to mine, the next I’m airborne.
So now I’m at Amy’s. Trying to sleep in the nest I made in her closet.
It’s the same thing from last night... I can’t sleep without him.
So it looks like I’m going to pull an all nighter.
I’ve got at least 8 hours to kill before he wakes up.
Probably even longer before he contacts me. And I refuse to go home before he contacts me.
Fae wanted to hurt him. Still does. He is now a possible threat in her eyes.
I just want to cry. I want to be held and made to feel safe... but I don’t want him to touch me.
He could have seriously hurt me. As in, a trip to the hospital kind of hurt. And he didn’t even realize he did it? How can I trust someone like that?
I’m not leaving him as long as he agrees to the two previously stated conditions. But I also feel so lost right now. I was so scared. I honestly thought as I fell that I would 100% hit the corner with my head.
I wish I was home with my cats. Then I might be more likely to get some sleep.
But I left and couldn’t bring them.
I want to go home, but have to wait.
Maybe I’ll sleep in my car.
And I’m starving. The only thing I ate was the crackers-cheese-salami snacks we had earlier.
And the day before that all I had was... 5 breadsticks, 2 pieces of pizza, and some ice cream.
Fuck I need to eat.
And I bet that chicken is still on the counter at home.
Friday, September 14, 2018
Conditions
- You will NEVER lay your hands on me in an aggressive manner with the intent to harm. Ever. Again.
- If for any reason anyone says you need to slow down your drinking or need to stop - you will listen. You will stop.
Being drunk is not an excuse.
I will not tolerate being treated that way.
If there is ever a next time, it will be the last time.
Monday, September 10, 2018
nightmare interpretation
SO..... important key players:
Best Friend - To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge; to dream about your best friend means that you need to foster or acknowledge some special quality that your best friend has. Ask yourself what makes your best friend your best friend and how you need to work on these attributes within yourself.
******All the people that this best friend incorporated were people that i felt helped me through something difficult at one point in my life. they all have aspects that i admire and hope to have myself.
South America - To dream about South America suggests that you are trying to resolve some conflict or conquer the obstacles in your life. Alternatively, the dream also refers to spontaneity
Hurricane - that is outside influences. we are about to be hit by a hurricane.
Confrontation - To dream of a confrontation represents a conflict or a fear that you are facing in your waking life. To dream that you are arguing suggests that you are trying to resolve some internal conflict or some unsettled issue in your waking life
- “You can’t force others to do your mission. what YOU set out to do, what YOU volunteered to do, is for you to do alone. You can’t throw it onto others.”
attempted murder/Betrayal (by friends) -
***** Makes sense. I am afraid of forming friendships with the witchy group again. but it could also mean that i am afraid that reincorperating some part(s) of myself (???) could backfire and end up hurting me. And it pays homage to whatever change is supposedly coming my way.
Car with no keys -
Friend's death - To dream that your best friend is dying suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying within your own self.
hm. I def want to know what event/change is going to have such an impact on me.
Best Friend - To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge; to dream about your best friend means that you need to foster or acknowledge some special quality that your best friend has. Ask yourself what makes your best friend your best friend and how you need to work on these attributes within yourself.
******All the people that this best friend incorporated were people that i felt helped me through something difficult at one point in my life. they all have aspects that i admire and hope to have myself.
- Victoria - such strong intuition and spiritual ability
- Savannah - confidence and strength of self
- Lexxi - generosity towards others
- Racheal - warrior energy, fearlessness
South America - To dream about South America suggests that you are trying to resolve some conflict or conquer the obstacles in your life. Alternatively, the dream also refers to spontaneity
Hurricane - that is outside influences. we are about to be hit by a hurricane.
Confrontation - To dream of a confrontation represents a conflict or a fear that you are facing in your waking life. To dream that you are arguing suggests that you are trying to resolve some internal conflict or some unsettled issue in your waking life
- “You can’t force others to do your mission. what YOU set out to do, what YOU volunteered to do, is for you to do alone. You can’t throw it onto others.”
attempted murder/Betrayal (by friends) -
- To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time. To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge
- To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself.
***** Makes sense. I am afraid of forming friendships with the witchy group again. but it could also mean that i am afraid that reincorperating some part(s) of myself (???) could backfire and end up hurting me. And it pays homage to whatever change is supposedly coming my way.
Car with no keys -
- car - ready to take off in life, move forward and be in control of life.
- No car keys - means that you feel like you have suddenly been taken off your path in life. Perhaps you have been striving toward a certain goal all of your life and suddenly something has happened which has set you on a different track. This will challenge a lot of your expectations and beliefs. You need to make sure not to be too overwhelmed by the change in your prerogatives which is soon to come
Friend's death - To dream that your best friend is dying suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying within your own self.
hm. I def want to know what event/change is going to have such an impact on me.
Sunday, September 9, 2018
CD for jimmie
not the order i have them but...
- Our song 1 - If i could put time in a bottle
- Our song 2 - Honeybee
- When we fight - paint it black
- Our relationship - Why
- Our start - accidentally in love
- Me to him - Bird song
- He is....- The only exception
- I would....- Follow you.
- Our start - I've got this friend
- How i know i love him - thats where it is
- He makes me feel..... - good enough
- At first I was scared but - I wouldn't mind
- You make me - smile
- I honestly.... - can't help falling in love with you (21 P)
- Self explanitory. - guillotine
- You make me feel - safe and sound
- H handles them so well - My demons
- I know i'm difficult but - tangled up in me
- Our relationship - at the beginning
- Well.... - Because the night (cascada)
- From the get go... - you had me at hello
track list for savannah
so savannah listens to CDs in her car since it doesn't have an aux cord, kind of like me in mt honda.... and she says she loves mix tapes. so i'm going to make her one.
- Bury the bones but leave the souls alone
- the one that got away
- youre not alone of mice and men
- bird song through juniper vale
- have faith in me
- Good to be alive
- hey brother
- guillotine
- stomach tied in knots
- Rib cage
- feral hearts
- youre not alone, you are loved
- coconut dracula
- breathe today
- Froot
- happy song
heart to heart- Invincible
- hold back the river
- life cycles
- radioactive
- milk and cookies
Dream turned nightmare
I woke up crying this morning.
In the dream I was hanging out with this girl, over a long period of time. I got the feeling that she was my girlfriend or my best friend.... she seemed to be Savannah and Victoria mixed together, so I’m leaning best friend. In this dream we were grocery shopping, talking about a trip down to Mexico to an old temple that the witchy group wanted me to go on with them.
Then a hurricane hits.
We leave and take refuge at the closest home of someone I knew; Riley. Except Riley was living with a southern Baptist who was, in my opinion, abusive. Trying to force Riley to do mission work.
I ended up going off on this woman saying
“You can’t force others to do your mission. what YOU set out to do, what YOU volunteered to do, is for you to do alone. You can’t throw it onto others.”
I go into the next room and talk to my friend who is mentioning that they are going to go on the trip. I explain that I feel hesitant about the whole thing, that something doesn’t feel right.
The next thing I knew Amy, Aaron, Brooks and Dakota show up in the living room of what now is my moms place. (The setting changed)
Amy tries to convince me to come with them to Mexico to see this amazing spell they are going to do. (I forget what the purpose of it was) and again I say something feels off about it. She gives a deep sigh and agrees, that my intuition was not wrong.
“It calls for a human sacrifice. We are all going to go and just negotiate when we get there.”
She says this but I suddenly know that they have come here to either force me to come or to kill me now. So I run to my room in the back and lock the door.
Amy and Aaron burst through the door, Aaron holding me down and Amy grabbing my Mother Earth sword miniature. As she goes to stab me, my friend from before hops on top of her and I grab the sword. My friend is now a mixture of Savannah, Victoria, and Racheal.
She pulls me out from under them and brooks breaks in from my window trying to trap us. My friend grabs my hand and we take off running, we make it to the car but my keys are inside.
She runs back before I can say anything. I lock the doors and wait for her to come back but it’s Amy who calmly walks to my door. She opens the door as if it wasn’t locked, and squats down so she is eye level with me. She does a sort of sad half smile and puts a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“You’re safe.” And then she looks behind my car as a group of cops show up, my mom int he front running to me, “you’re people are here.”
Then she vanished.
And I knew:
they killed my friend. I could see her in a pool of blood lying in my kitchen where they had trapped her.
I collapsed in grief into my moms arms, screaming out and sobbing in both relief that it was over and I was safe but also immense sorrow at the loss of my friend who I loved so much.
I woke up and continued crying.
I’ll do a dream interpretation later.
In the dream I was hanging out with this girl, over a long period of time. I got the feeling that she was my girlfriend or my best friend.... she seemed to be Savannah and Victoria mixed together, so I’m leaning best friend. In this dream we were grocery shopping, talking about a trip down to Mexico to an old temple that the witchy group wanted me to go on with them.
Then a hurricane hits.
We leave and take refuge at the closest home of someone I knew; Riley. Except Riley was living with a southern Baptist who was, in my opinion, abusive. Trying to force Riley to do mission work.
I ended up going off on this woman saying
“You can’t force others to do your mission. what YOU set out to do, what YOU volunteered to do, is for you to do alone. You can’t throw it onto others.”
I go into the next room and talk to my friend who is mentioning that they are going to go on the trip. I explain that I feel hesitant about the whole thing, that something doesn’t feel right.
The next thing I knew Amy, Aaron, Brooks and Dakota show up in the living room of what now is my moms place. (The setting changed)
Amy tries to convince me to come with them to Mexico to see this amazing spell they are going to do. (I forget what the purpose of it was) and again I say something feels off about it. She gives a deep sigh and agrees, that my intuition was not wrong.
“It calls for a human sacrifice. We are all going to go and just negotiate when we get there.”
She says this but I suddenly know that they have come here to either force me to come or to kill me now. So I run to my room in the back and lock the door.
Amy and Aaron burst through the door, Aaron holding me down and Amy grabbing my Mother Earth sword miniature. As she goes to stab me, my friend from before hops on top of her and I grab the sword. My friend is now a mixture of Savannah, Victoria, and Racheal.
She pulls me out from under them and brooks breaks in from my window trying to trap us. My friend grabs my hand and we take off running, we make it to the car but my keys are inside.
She runs back before I can say anything. I lock the doors and wait for her to come back but it’s Amy who calmly walks to my door. She opens the door as if it wasn’t locked, and squats down so she is eye level with me. She does a sort of sad half smile and puts a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“You’re safe.” And then she looks behind my car as a group of cops show up, my mom int he front running to me, “you’re people are here.”
Then she vanished.
And I knew:
they killed my friend. I could see her in a pool of blood lying in my kitchen where they had trapped her.
I collapsed in grief into my moms arms, screaming out and sobbing in both relief that it was over and I was safe but also immense sorrow at the loss of my friend who I loved so much.
I woke up and continued crying.
I’ll do a dream interpretation later.
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