Oak tree (poem for VB)

My heart is weak,

having gone through trials to get to you, 

strong like an oaktree.

I have scorched feet,

I walked through fire, felt the heat too. 

My heart is Weak. 

The rivers of love had torn through me,

I carefully tread into something new,

strong like an oak tree.

How can I know for sure it is your heart I seek,

having gone through what I went through,

My heart is weak.

My heart beats hesitantly, yet eagerly

You are safe, with calmness in waves  - sweet and true,

Strong like an oak tree. 

With you something now can grow free,

with time and lots of patience, soon -

My heart is weak

- strong like an oak tree. 

Shot through the heart 12/4/19

Facebook memories and snapchat have been doing those dumb "this time las year" reminders... and It keep s showing me happy times with Jimmie. Really makes me wonder.. how long had things been bad and I didn't know? Why the sudden steep decline at the end? Frankly I think our relationship was solidified with a shared mushroom trip... and I think that bad trip is what killed us. But before that... He had been having doubts. He had been having doubts since before our year mark... back in August of  '18 when he threw me.  In his drunken blacked out state he acted on subconscious impulses - he didn't want to be with me. He wanted me gone. I shouldn't have let him talk me into staying.. I should of left. Maybe then we would have been able to actually have a normal friendship... instead I stayed, dedicated myself to him, and got my heart obliterated. Now we are this... awkward "i'm your friend but I can't be around you at all"... at least on my end. 

I miss what we had whenever I see him. I like what I have with Viking Boy but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my relationship with Jimmie... a lot. But I don't know if its just the relationship.. or if its him too. Because I don't know if I would go back to him now. With the way things are now... I don't think I would. friends with benefits maybe, but i do think i have fallen out of love with him. 

I say that but then I see him and my body instinctively goes back to muscle memory where every hug was followed by a kiss. He came over last night to pop my neck and help relieve my migraine... and we hugged a few times. I'd forgotten how perfectly I fit in his arms... how comfortable he is. But that's just on a physical level. I miss the physicality of our relationship. I miss the level of connection we had.. one that took almost 4 years to build. 

I have to let go. I have let go.. but nostalgia keeps bringing it all back. I miss what we had but its gone. Its going to stay gone as far as i am concerned and I need (and want) to see what kind of new thing will grow with Viking Boy. 

Just because the love is paler and weaker in this new relationship doesn't mean it isn't love... its just new love. The love I had with Jimmie had been fully developed. It had been consuming. This new one is slow and steady... it is earth compared to fire. I deserve to let this grow because won't burn me.  Viking Boy won't hurt me. He wouldn't put a hand to me and He would probably beat anyone who even threatened to do so within an inch of their life. 

He is strong and secure and safe... like an oak tree. I may miss the fire intensity and the sweeping of the current of what I had in the past... but In this I am supported wholeheartedly, with no disdain or  reluctance - and I am safe from being burned; In this I am stable, not being tossed to and fro in a rapids of emotion. 

I simply need to have patience... I need to give the oak tree time to grow and  - hopefully- it will outlast the past. 

Budgeting again with better #

Okay I get 380 a week. 380x 4 =1520.

1500$ a month. 

FIXED BILLS not including rent 

Car payment - 225
Car Insurance - 100
Health insurance - 70
Phone - 55
Credit - 50
Student Loan - 50
Internet - 35
Utilities - 80 --> could be higher because bad insulation 
Savings: 100
-----------------
765
-1500


735
- 50 gas
- 20 for Smokey 
-250 food 
————

415 for rent.

400-350 for safety net.

Sweetpea

Sweetpea died today.

I woke up and found her barley able to breathe.

I made phone calls.
I took her to the vet.
She died in my arms.

I am a wreck.

My old lady is no longer with me.

I have cried so much today, I can barley remember today in its completion.

Sweetpea is gone.

She’s gone away.

I can still feel how small she was when I held her for the last time.
She looked so peaceful, like she was just sleeping, in the box we buried her in.

We planted irises over her grave.

18 years with her.... and now she’s gone.

financial aid budgeting

so i'm getting 3600 back this spring because i surprisingly got a scholarship.

-300 fucking textbooks because one is a goddamn ECU custom made one.
- 1,400 in savings right away. This covers the move in july as well as taxes i'm going to owe. Also need to save up for regular maintenance on the honda to keep my warranty.
- 550 for a new laptop. This one is literally  on its last life, I will be lucky if it makes it till January.
- 300 bank account
- 40 chevy rotary  - mom has a guy who can put it on.
-------------------------------------
1000 --> Credit Card... this won't pay it off but will help make a dint.



Laptops to consider:
https://store.acer.com/en-us/laptops?gclid=CjwKCAiArJjvBRACEiwA-Wiqq7gMrVWalq7psY-TJBOSeKVKEZRHrPWneaEM35idggXVeZq7Gmc23BoCsA0QAvD_BwE&operating_system%5B0%5D=Windows+10+Home&operating_system%5B1%5D=Windows+10+S&processor_manufacturer=Intel%C2%AE&processor_type%5B0%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i3&processor_type%5B1%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i5&processor_type%5B2%5D=Intel%C2%AE+Core%E2%84%A2+i7&product_list_limit=25

https://www.google.com/shopping/product/9314483640643770884/reviews?lsf=seller:7933,store:13588881624608651932,s:h&q=Lenovo+IdeaPad+720S&hl=en&lsft=cm_mmc:PLA-_-Google-LIA-_-1499148381-_-8821010-VQ6-399564100009-VQ16-c-VQ17-pla-VQ18-local-VQ20-339972931843-VQ21-279&lsft=gclid:CjwKCAiArJjvBRACEiwA-Wiqq4r0RePSDfjnRkIrNzoCylM0VC8oHOiTvq4jTD7_rmA2OCdsEbwAXhoCiNoQAvD_BwE,gclsrc:aw.ds&prds=cid:9314483640643770884,oid:3754106452885291259,rate:4,rnum:10,sgro:or&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjKp7eFgJrmAhVHUt8KHSgtADgQn08IKCgC

failed.

I failed Accounting.

I made another 33 on the final....

And this time i wasn't distracted by having just quit my job.

I studied for the test. I focused on what I was doing and did the math carefully.

I still made a 33.


so my grades as they stand:

exam 1 - 25% - 82
exam 2 - 25% - 43
Final - 25% - 33
homework - 15% - 89
discussion boards - 10% - 4? If that? It was kind of screwy the way this part worked.

meaning my grade is: a 55.86

now she puts us against the class average, not against a 100.

so if the highest grade in the class is a 88? then i'm 55.86/88 = 63.4
 I need a 73 minumum to pass the class.

55/x = 73/100

The highest average would need to be a 75 for me to get that grade.... The class average is already a 76 before homework gets added in.


I have failed my first class. ever.
I fucking hate this feeling.

Budgeting

okay so after i pay rent tomorrow i will have 200$ to my name.

but thankfully i don't think i have any big bills coming up until AFTER pay day.

I also have like $40 worth of the vending machine money from work i can use to buy little microwave meals.
SO
**** Super cheap things that are also very fillinh:
- popcorn
-eggs (throw out the bad ones in the fridge - good lord) - also good in ramen
- sriracha to season chicken and fish...

-$25





tuesday:
-$25 tire :(
soup for lunch (rest of the brocoli) and kale salad after exams --> study for stats test 8 hours
eat leftover thanksgiving food for dinner

wednesday
Lentil soup for lunch
Cook some fish in a pan with butter, lime juice, and  rice.
study for stats test - 2 hours

Thursday
Birthday: little microwave meal for lunch-5
Study for stats test - 2 hours - visit with Jimmie
dinner: little steaks! (see if VB will pick up a veggie or starch) VB treating me to dinner = leftovers
Frozen? Cuddles - enjoy some boyfriend time

Friday: PAY DAY +$200 = now have 350 in account.
PRINT FORMULA SHEETS FOR EXAM
Soup for lunch
leftovers for dinner --> boil some eggs for lunch tomorrow
study for stats test - 4 hours

7th Saturday:
EXAM T_T
lunch: eggs and popcorn --> clean and nap. --> BOYFRIEND <3
Cake at Matthews place ---> sugar coma this shit.
Dinner at the bar: limit budget: $25 in drinks and food - 5 tip = $30 night.


8th Sunday:
lunch?
Dinner at mom's.
- 50 phone bill

9th Monday:
Little microwave meal-5
take out one of the little steaks at lunch and slice it thin thin - eat in bowl of ramen.

10th Tuesday:
little microwave meal -5
Cook some chicken (if I have any) in the sweet chili sauce with lime and serve with Asian noodles in broth.


11th Wednesday



12 Thursday



13th Firday PAYDAY + 300
- 50 credit
-30 because I need to get gas at some point
- microwave meal-5
- VB over for dinner --> last 2 little steaks?