Full moon in scorpio

Okay so full moon in Scorpio might explain why I am craving passion and excitement instead of peaceful and cozy. But it's also a time to purge and let go of stuff to move forward

Doing a full moon manifestation spell of release and manifestation. 

I know the new moon is for manifestation but I like to balance out whenever I purge and put what I hope will replace what has been let go of. 

What I want to release:

1) I want to release and let go of my tendency to put my own desires before others

2) I want to release and let go of my insecurities

3) i want to let go of impatience

4) i want to let go of frustration at things I cannot control 

5) I want to purge my perception of taking things for granted

6) I want to release the sense of complacency and staticness in my relationship
7) i release any grudges i may be holding against myself and others.

what I want to replace those with:

1) I want to manifest generosity and the resources to be able to be generous. 

2) I want to manifest a strength and confidence to go after what I want. 

3) I want to manifest open communication without fear or judgement.

4) I want to manifest a nurturing and patient mindset. 

5) I want to manifest a sense of gratitude and appreciation for what I have and what I am given.

6) I want to manifest passion, spiritual connection, and satisfying sex in my relationship.
7) I manifest forgiveness towards myself and others.

I'll wear some patchouli oil to boost scorpio energy. 

Tentative break down budget....

for the month of May I am going to do an experiement. Here is a tentative breakdown of my bills and guestimation of spending.

For the month of may starting on the 7th (today) I will put all spending that is NOT bills on my credit card and then Pay it off at the end of the month. Hopefully, it will be less than 360 but we will see.

Bills:

Taken out on the 1st:

Rent - 435

4th

phone 50

5th:

health insurance  65

car insurance 99

15th

Car Payment 200

student loan 65

17th

Planet Fitness 10

--------------------------

$924 = $930

income: 1440

credit/debt 50 (for whenever I start paying Josh's mom back)

savings:100

--------------------

360 for food, cats, gas, and misc.

 Food and Misc

Paycheck 1 - 360

health insurance (65)

car insurance (99)

-------------------------

196

- 50 misc. 

-40 food

-15 gas

-----------------

91

Paycheck 2 - 360 +91

Car payment (200)

student loan (65)

planet fitness (10)

---------------------

176

- 50 food

-50 misc

---------

76

Paycheck 3 - 360 +76

savings (100)

Credit/Debt as needed (50)

-------------------

286

-30 food

-15 gas

-15 cats

-20 misc

-------------------

206

Paycheck 4 360+206

RENT (435)

phone (50)

---------------------

81

-10 cats

-25 food

-------------

46

Progress

I ate salad almost every other day for a week, cut out half my sugar intake, watched my portion size when eating... and lost 2 pounds. all it took was 3 bad days and i gained 4pounds back.

i hate this diet thing. 

I really need to start doing the wii fit now that we have it set up. the wii fit plus part even has special workouts to target certain areas and are only like 30 minutes long i think. 

I was doing so well and then slipped back into laziness and comfort eating :/ 

but what is it they say? Progress isn't always a straight line? 

I'll refill my salad bowl today, maybe eat a pear with lunch instead of a potato. 

I'm taking my whole hour lunches now so i can probably squeeze in a wii fit workout if i eat fast. 

I havn't done any self care in over a week either. 

So tonight. 

On lunch break eat and do the wii fit instead of watch tv. 

Big reading I keep putting off, while wearing a face mask. 

Therapy at 7. 

Go for a walk after therapy and card readings (if dalton won't go with, walk the campus rec instead of greenway). 

Diet Talk and MATCHA ICE CREAM RECIPE

Okay so I was looking into this sirtuin diet and while I will not be following it to the letter because I don't really believe in DRASTIC calorie cuts, it did have some good things in it. 

I need to eat more sirtuin foods.... which looking into it I actually have been eating pretty healthy and a few of them... 

Drinks: Coffee!! Red wine, matcha <3 ( i have been drinking a lot of coffee... might be why i'm keeping off the like... 2lbs ive lost) -- coffee while at work, i'll try to alternate water with it, and i'll try to start having at least half a glass of red wine a night. 

so for snacks: apples, blueberries, strawberries

for salad: kale, arugula, celery, red onion (can use in cooking too but i try to keep salad around for snacking)

seasoning: cappers, chilis, garlic cloves, turmeric (I really need to get some turmeric... it's so good for you on so many levels)

SOY SOY SOY: Texturized soy protein... add it to the meat to make it stretch. So a little meat can go a longer way. Tofu. Meat substitutes/vegetarian "meat" (i can def work with that). 

Desserts:

- 85% dark chocolate for all baking desserts moving forward and anytime I want to eat something sweet

- MATCHA ICE CREAM - its something that i LOVE and never thought to make myself because.i def know how. 

MATCHA ICECREAM RECIPE

- 6 egg yolks

-1 cup white sugar ( i will probably cut this down to 1/2 a cup... maybe substitute with some honey)

- 2 cups heavy whipping cream

- 1-3 tablespoons of matcha (to taste)

- 1 packet of flavorless gelatine

-1/2 cup of cold water

1) pour gelatin in cold water, stir and set to the side.

2)combine egg yolk and sugar in a bowl and mix until smooth and lemon colored. Set the bowl over a pot of simmering water for 5 minutes stir continuously.... mixture should feel hot to the touch. 

3) Remove the bowl from heat and mix in the rehydrated gelatine. Allow to cool to room temp ( 15-20 mins in the freezer should do it)

4) whip the cream into medium stiff peaks, add in matcha. 

5) fold the whipped cream into egg mixture and freeze! 

Reflective Journal

What is your biggest weakness? On the other hand, what is your greatest strength?

My biggest weakness would most definitely be my fear/anxiety. At my core I am a very fearful person. 
I fear hardships.
 I fear failure. 
I fear abandonment and rejection. 
I fear conflict only because of the previous sentence. 
I fear being seen as a bad person because ^.  
I fear being lonely. 
I fear not having enough money to survive. 
I fear not having a surplus in case everything goes wrong and I need to be able to act quickly to survive. 
I fear being hurt, emotionally more so than physically. Physical wounds heal faster. 
I fear not knowing what to expect, the unknown is dangerous. (but it can also be exciting.)
I fear being alone in this life.... for if you are alone, then you are surviving - not living. Other people are what make this life worth living. 

I guess my other biggest weakness is that I am dependant. 
My happiness is dependant on other people... not in that it is their job to make me happy, but in that I am not happy if i do not have other people. 
I am also dependant on others to help me overcome fear.... simple fears like wasps or spiders. Bigger fears like personal failures are mine to tackle but having people there helps. 


My greatest strength is that I know I can make it through anything. 
Sure I may have a panic attack, but afterwards I'll shake myself and get through whatever it is that's going wrong. 
I know that If i had to, for whatever reason, pick my life up and start over somewhere alone with just my cats...I could do it.  
I am resourceful. I am adaptable. I can survive on the bare minimum if i have to. I've been poor before and I can survive until i figure out how to improve my situation. 
i have been friendless before... I made friends. i am a likeable person and i'm compassionate... While i do not require many local friends, I do require them. I can eventually make more if for some reason I find myself alone. 
I do not require much to live. I do not require luxury (although obviously i would prefer it). 
I am a survivor. That is my greatest strength. 

However I would also argue that my compassion and kindness, much like how dependency is my second greatest weakness, is my second greatest strength. It is because of my kindness and compassion that I make friends easily. It gives me empathy and empathy gives me better connection to others. Its what will make me a good mom. Its what makes me a good partner. Its what makes me a good friend. Its what makes me a good person. 

99 things I love

1. I love my family. My mom, my sisters, my aunt, and my grandparents.
2. I love hearing Cara laugh and seeing her smile.
3. I love the warm embraces of my mom. 
4. I love seeing Racheal grow in life. 
5. I love my friends.
6. I love the long conversations in Aaron's driveway where we just connect and share life while he chainsmokers and I ramble. 
7. I love watching Amy's face light up when she gets excited and passionate about something. 
8. I love watching Brooks look at Amy. How happy they are. 
9. I love the hope and peace it brings.
10. I love those rare moments with him when we almost seem to have gone back in time and there is only love for the length of a single look. 
11. I love seeing Bree's selfies, knowing that the more she takes the better she is feeling. 
12. I love Lauren's humor and her protective nature.
13. I love Emily's optimism and open acceptance.
14. I love laughing with Matthew and the encouragement he gives me.
15. I love those random encounters with friends from the past.
16. I love the smell of the flowers on the wind at this time of the year.
17. I love the vivid greens and colors of plant life. 
18. I love my cats, both of them totally unique and irreplaceable.
19. I love my boyfriend, as frustrating as he can be he is one of the biggest blessings I have. 
20. I love the brief moments of eye contact with him... the intimacy and love in those shared seconds.
21. I love his smile when the little boy inside him comes out and he seems to shed the weight of the world.
22. I love watching him with his son and niece, seeing the love on his face, and the pride in his eyes. 
23. I love the moments of play life has brought me. 
24. I love going outside, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze as it passes by. 
25. I love the way the water feels on my hands and feet as I walk and play in it. 
26. I love the way the earth smells after rainfall. 
27. I love listening to raging thunderstorms, watching the world turn grey as the water falls down. 
28. I love the fact that while I may get insanely lonely, I am never truly alone. 
29. I love the fact that I am learning how to hear my gods speak to me. 
30. I love the fact that I can talk to them about anything.
31. I love the fact that I am growing in mind and spirit. 
32. I love that I am learning to use the music and dance within me.
33. I love the fact that while imperfect my body has beauty and softness. 
34. I love watching the leaves on the trees dance in the wind from the window at work. Their movement soothes me. 
35. I love the feeling of freedom I get when I go out for a joy ride, with the windows down and the music up - all cares and worries forgotten for a brief time. 
36. I love the brief time in between first waking up from sleep and actually being fully awake... when I first become aware and open my eyes. Seeing my cats at peace or seeing my love sleeping. Feeling at one with the world for a millisecond before I come back into my body.
37. I love that I have so much in my life  that I am able to help others where I can.
38. I love watching children play with their parents and the hope for my own future that may come. 
39. I love the sound of laughter, especially children's laughter.
40. I love the sound of playing, the smiles, the giggles, the rapid movement of bodies going back and forth. 
41. I love that I can absorb and take in happiness around me and that I can gain happiness from the happiness of those I love.
42. I love that I can make others smile.
43. i love that while i am uncertain and scared of the future, my present is firm and stable. 
44. I love myself. 
45. I love that I have sure footing, that my legs support me and I have strength in my bones. 
46. I love watching the world around me change for the better, and the solidarity of those coming together when it doesn't. 
47. I love the resilience of kindness and goodness inside of people. 
48. I love that there is hope for the planet and all of her children. 
49. I love this planet. I love her rivers and oceans, and forests, and babies. 
50. I love how she provides for us if we take care of her. 
51. I love the vast array of colors and cultures that are out there. 
52. I love when they come together in harmony and understanding. 
53. I love the potential that we all have. 
54. I love the cooperation that is already present. 
55. I love that we have the ability to learn and grow, to understand what used to scare us. 
56. I love the way the grass feels beneath my feet.
57. I love the sound of the ocean and the smell of the salt water air.
58. I love the crisp mornings at dawn in the mountains. The stillness and then burst of life.
59. I love the tender touch of hands, the affection that is conveyed in such tiny instances.
60. I love being able to cook, that i can sustain those I care about. 
61. I love when my partner kisses my head or my cheek as I cook. 
62. I love that one day I will cook for my family, and that when this pandemic passes i will cook for the current Family i have once again. 
63. I love that I still work with people and get to interact with the public everyday. 
64. I love meeting quiet and shy people, timid like i use to be, and showing them that not everyone is scary. 
65. I love the smiles they give as we say goodbye. 
66. I love the feeling of wind in my face... makes me imagine flying. A taste of freedom. 
67. I love the click-clack of a keyboard. the sound spurring me to write more and making the clogs in my mind keep going. 
68. I love the smooth glide of ink on a page, the sensation makes my heart soar. 
69. I love being an artist, painting images, sights, sounds, smells, sensations.... conjuring emotions and daydreams... all with the written word. I miss my art. 
70. I love music. The way it stirs the soul and the imagination. the way it lifts the spirits or expresses emotions in ways we otherwise cannot.
71. I love all of the people I have lost in my life. I love them as people, and I miss the love that was once there between us. I will love the memories of them.
72. I love road trips. The feelings of comradery and excitement as everyone loads up into the car. The music and singing along the way. The impatience and banter. Stopping for food along the way or digging through all the snacks that were packed. 
73. I love amusement parks. The sound of excited screams and the adrenaline rushes the rides bring. 
74. I love fairs and festivals. All the sounds and sights. The mechanical smell of the rides mixing with the aromas of food. The crowds. 
75. I love haunted house attractions. The anticipation of waiting in the lines. The smell of the boards and paint of the props triggering nostalgia from when I worked in them. The gleeful screams as people are startled or shocked. The competitive energy between each room/section. The comradery between all the actors. 
76. I love the taste of a good margarita. The warm happy feelings that come from alcohol when in good company. The drunken laughter. The smooth burn of the agave. 
77. I love the bitter-sweet smoothness of chocolate desserts. 
78. I love the warm comforting sensation of drinking coffee or tea or hot cocoa after playing out in the snow. 
79. I love the childish excitement that replaces the adult dread when i actually see snow. 
80. I love the excuse of being thoroughly frozen to the bone to cuddle up to people that i love. 
81. I love gathering to look at pretty lights and decorations come wintertime. 
82. I love holidays. Decorating and perfuming the air with excitement and happiness. Having people you love come over and eating, drinking, and merry making. exchanging of simple gifts just to spread happiness - knowing the companionship is enough. The colors and cheer.
83. I love the quiet moments at home, cuddled up with a companion, and just existing. 
84. I love the rush of excitement I get when i'm crunching a budget, the knowledge that there is a definite answer and all that's needed is a plan. Simple Math is a simple pleasure. 
85. I love the way research sucks me in and I forget where i am and the feeling of time fades away. The rush that learning and organizing gives. The sense of accomplishment at a finished spreadsheet. 
86. I love a good book. The world fades away and new adventures and lives can be lived. 
87. i love the power of the mind - the sheer ability to think our way into new experiences and epiphanies and perspectives. 
88. I love being able to do simple fun activities with my social circle. 
89. I love the feelings of warm water on my skin and the sweet orange scent of my bubblebath. 
90. I love the fact that there are people in this world that fight for justice, for people, for animals, for the world... and I hope I can be one of those people in the future. 
91. I love the fact that I have the world's information at my finger tips and can connect with people from all walks of life and from everywhere through social media. 
92. I love the ability to create art and culture - that it has the power to uplift and connect and unite the world. 
93. I love that there are mysteries of the past that can never fully be explained and the creativity it can spark. 
94. I love that feeling of clarity that comes after the heavy fog of a bipolar episode... the relief and sense of "fresh air" after feeling like I had been suffocating. 
95. I love knowing that I am stronger than I think I am. I love that others know it about me even when I can't see it in the moment. 
96. I love the luxuries and privileges that i have been blessed with. I know it would be all too easy to lose them or to have been born without them.
97. I love the sense of peace that comes with nighttime. The quiet comfort. The light of the moon and the stars that inspire. 
98. I love watching animals play and exist. The unworried behavior of house cats. The grace and elegance of wildcats. The playfulness and shenanigans of primate. The quirks of birds. Nature documentaries are my friends. 
99. As hard and complex and filled with constant ups and downs as it is.... I love this life that i've been given. 

Grateful

I am grateful for the lovely weekend I got to spend with the man I love in nature

I am grateful for our talk about intimacy in the kitchen

I am grateful I have such a playful partner

I am grateful for the lovely weather

I am grateful that the wasps who are starting to return have left me alone thus far.

I am grateful that my cats are healthy

I am grateful that Humu is warming up to me some more

I am grateful that I am healthy (more or less). 

I am grateful that my clothes still fit me 

I am grateful that I have clothes. 

I am grateful that I have food. 

I am grateful that I have friends who are helping me (seen and unseen)

I am grateful for the taste of honeysuckle, something I haven't tasted in a long long time. 

I am grateful for Josh's mom and her generosity. 

I am grateful that she is letting me pay her back in increments. 

I am grateful that I have been lucky enough to bolster my savings account so that these financial hardships have not devastated me. 

I am grateful that all that has happened has been teaching me... that humility and compassion are once again recurring and that I will be more aware moving forward of my actions and mentality. 

I am grateful that I can appreciate my blessings and know that even in darkness there is a lesson and blessing in it too. 

I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, I have a loving partner, I have caring gods, and I am living a blessed life.