Fucking tower moment

 okay so we started the move into our new unit... and it has one if the worst roach infestations I have ever seen. 

There is no way that we can stay there. The only other unit that would work for Ellis and I at all really doesn't work because we both refuse to take a huge downsize to our bedrooms. 

So I emailed the property management company.

Let them know that this location was unacceptable. Ellis wants to be let out of his part of the lease completely. I am willing to stay with them and transfer to a different location all together (although now I'm paranoid that they all will have roaches). If that unit is no longer available, I want out of my lease all together as well. 

If they try to fight me on this I will call code enforcement. I will not live in a pre-infested apartment. Just fuck no. 

So Option 1: Sterling Pointe

- 2 bed 1.5 bath  

- $850

- 1040 sq ft

- drive to work:

- https://www.pinnaclepropertymanagement.com/rental/3909-sterling-pointe-2-bedrooms-1-5-bathrooms-available-now/

Option 2: Brighton Park

- 1 bed 1 bath

- 895 / 970

- 650 sq ft

- drive to work:

- https://www.apartments.com/brighton-park-greenville-nc/1pzw096/

 (keystone within my budget without discount) -  I'll send out an SOS email to all of these properties letting them know the situation and seeing who has something ASAP.

Option 3: Barret Place

- 2 bedroom 1 bath

- 800 sq ft

- $745

- drive to work:

-https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/barrett-place-apartments

Option 4 : Blue Ridge (top of budget)

- 1 bed 1 bath

- 800 sq ft

- $975

 - drive to work:

- https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/blue-ridge-apartments

Option 5 : Lakeside ( VERY TOP, ALMOST TOO EXPENSIVE)

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- 750sq ft

- $1000

 - drive to work:

https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/lakeside-apartments

Option 6: cherry court

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- $850

- 760sq ft

 - drive to work

- https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/cherry-court-apartments

Option 7: Cypress Pointe

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- $850

- 650sq ft

 - drive to work

-https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/cypress-pointe-apartments

Option 8: Keswick

- 1 bed and 1 bath

- 725 sq ft

- $875 

- drive to work:

- https://keystonemanagement.com/apartments/nc/keswick-apartments

OKAY SO. Game plan.

Monday 

- Call Pinnacle at 10:30 to confirm they saw my email and discuss option for lease transfer. Go in person during lunch if I have to. 

- Set up storage unit for bed frame, room furniture, most clothes, freezer, washer/dryer, and couch. 

- Text Nathan at 4:30 to tell him to meet me at the roach nest. Load up what we can, drop off at storage unit. Come home, start packing more things, store my boxes in my room. 

Tuesday:

- try to find a new apartment. View any options on lunch break. 

- pack. try not to panic

Wednesday

- repreat. 

I release myself

from instagram:

*image that reads: I release myself from the versions of me that I created to survive*

More #reflection posts lol. I was talking with my therapist the other day about this very thing. How as a survival mechanism I am #hypervigilant about social standing & pecking order, & usually I place myself towards the bottom. Taking up as little space as possible. Being meek & small, muting my energy. So predators don’t notice me & protectors step in when needed. I energetically castrated myself, bcuz I began to believe myself to be as small & weak as I pretended to be. I either had to be hard & brutal or small & meek. I can be both. I can be loud. I can take up space. I don’t have to apologize for existing. I don’t have to water myself down for others, my worth is not defined by how much service I can provide to the people around me. #iamenough . I am #vibrant … & I can #forgivemyself for how I learned to survive & realize that I can let that go. I can stand out & May my vibrancy become my #aposematism

Progress; looking over the last year.

 Ya know… when I think about the things I still have to overcome and the things I’m missing in my life, I get sad. Almost hopeless. 

But then, I look back over this year. I went from a job that made me insane amounts of money but made me want to commit suicide... to a job that recognized my leadership ability and promoted me to manager after 3 months. 

I recognized my issues with co-dependency and how I no longer had a true identity as a person, and I’ve started reconnecting to things that made me, me. I have a VERY long way to go, but I’ve started therapy again, and this time I’m not going to give up on myself. 

I’m reconnecting to my gods. I’m not where I want to be spiritually, and I have to get past my fear of failure and issues with self worth that Christianity instilled in me… but I’m trying. My gods love me and I’m so grateful for their patience. The spirits that I work with are equally by my side. I’ve started developing the desire to connect to my ancestors. It’s slow work, but no matter how slow, I’m doing it. 

 Am growing as an artist. I had long given up my dream of being a writer. And while I doubt I’ll ever finish a book or get published, I’m rediscovering the joy it brings me. I’ve been developing myself as a burlesque dancer, and I’ve really begun to use performance art to help me process trauma and heal. My growth as an artist is easily one of my biggest accomplishments this year. 

I went from being isolated and alone, basing my identity and whole social world around a single person (who didn’t deserve the responsibility of that and ) who was incapable of supporting or loving me the way I needed to realizing my codependency was a crutch. I’ve stepped back from dating and started to finally give myself the love I desperately threw to others. I’ve reconnected and deepened friendships. I’ve found a family and developed a support system I thought I would never have. 

Moral of the story…. Life is funny. You go from being convinced you’ll marry someone to choosing to be alone. You’ll discover your worth. Realize your flaws and accept that it’s okay to need help to heal them. Discover community. So much progress and growth can happen in a year. Imagine what could happen if you actually have yourself a chance for A lifetime. 

 Don’t focus on how much you still have left to do, everything you are lacking. Focus on how far you’ve come. Be it a step or a mile. want everyone who actually read this to know; no matter how dark and hopeless life seems now…. Life can change. It can be so gradual you don’t notice until you’re halfway out of the pit. Don’t give up. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on life. Give yourself the chance.

I’m back baby

 Okay so I’m going to try to get back into blogging. 

I’ve kind of turned my instagram into a blog so I’ll probably post on here what I post on there lol

So there is a lot to catch up on. Some of this may be a repeat but it looks like I’ve been super slack in this. 

I left the call center and got hired as an assistant property manager for a student living complex. Things seemed great at first but then the work environment grew very toxic because of my manager. I had 2 options:

1) stay quiet until she made me quit or she got me fired

2) go to her manager for help.

In the past I would have gone with option 1. But, and this is on growth, I went with option 2. We had a mediation session and things improved. But everyone could tell the peace wouldn’t hold up so my manager got transferred to another location (for multiple reasons). 

I was left as interim manager until the next one arrived. However the day after the new manager was supposed to start, and my 90 day milestone, I was told I had impressed them when I stepped up; they offered me the job. So now I am a property manager. 

As of two weeks ago, I’ve gotten back into therapy. The current goals are to address my lack of self worth and self love, which is an umbrella for a lot of things, a big one being my codependency. I’m also hoping to get some clarity on what I want for my future and what I want my life to be like. 

And now that I’m back in therapy…. I’ll be doing a lot more reflections. Which I love. Because when I’m reflective I’m happier. So, sorry I’ve been gone so long. 

I’ll be blogging more regularly now. 

The second Dance - "Cry of the amber songbird".

The music came to a hault with my body displayed upside down between his legs, my eyes daring the crowd to comment on what they had just witnessed.  My legs wrapped firmly around his waist, his hands gripping the arms of the seat as I hoisted myself up to face him, now straddled tightly against him... feeling him tightly pressed between my thighs. I did not need to see his eyes, always hidden behind a mask, to know they were burning red. I could feel them burning into my own. We were so close that our noses were almost touching, and my tongue danced over my teeth as I grinned at him. One of us was going to cave in the next moment and close the distance... I was breathing hard, my heart racing, when it dawned on me just who I had been dancing on. 

I ceared my throat and sat upright, pushing myself away, having made my point to the vampire socialites who had been drooling over him just a few minutes ago. I was his wife* and if I wanted him, I could have him. There was a quiet growl in his throat as I pulled myself off of him, adjusting my dress, and making my way through the crowd of still dancing creatures. I needed some air, air that did not taste of his breath. My head was swimming, the door of my mind could feel his knocking against it - almost ravenous - and I was tempted to let him in. I didn't need a telepathic bond to know it was his firm body that appeared behind me on the dancefloor, his strong hands that gripped my hips and pulled me against him. 

I could feel the heat of him against my exposed back, the heat traveling down my hips and between my thighs as his sharp claw-like nails embedded themselves into the soft flesh there. I inhaled sharply at the pain, but it only made my blood boil. We danced to the music, bodies moving against eachother in an almost primal way. His hands somehow gripping me tightly and exploring my body at the same time. I could hear his hot breath in my ear, feel it, and the almost whispered growl that came from his throat set me aflame. I longed to sink my teeth into his throat. Drag my own claws against his back, wanting to see the blood trickle in their trail. I wanted to wrestle him, pin him down and feel the power behind his movements as he threw me off of him. My bosy screamed with the urge to feel his weight over me, pinning as I wriggled beneath him. 

Lust. This was lust. We were both into he thralls of it, only I wasn't sure if either of us knew whether it would end up with us intertwined and in ecstasy or fighting to the death. Our every move on the dancefloor was aggressive and threatening, yet we never lefted our hands from the other. I felt a growl growing in my own chest, frustrated that my throat could not produce the sound the way his did. I wanted to test his strength against my agility. His force against my magic. I wanted his throat between my teeth... The song ended with us thrusted against each other, as if we couldn't be close enough, he had dipped me almost to the floor with his face at my throat. My body shivering a the sensation of his wet hot breath between my breasts. I stifled a whine as his tongue trailed up my throat as he brought me back upright. 

I thought I would go mad with desire. Desire for his body on mine. Desire for teeth and nail and pain and blood and brutality as we attacked each other. I knew in my bones that once the battle dance began it wouldn't end until we were both lost in each other, lost in the lust for blood and pleasure. I wanted to run. Wanted him to chase me until we were both out of breath, far away from the night club and any other living soul, until we were alone. I turned my body away from him, knees bent about to take off in our soon to be game of predator and prey when a scream shattered through the heavy velvety fog that coasted my ever sense.

As if we had both been dowsed in cold water we turned in unison to face the sound. 

Roe vs wade

 I have been too angry to function. 

I get up and go to work. I go for walks in nature to ground myself. I sing. I dance. I try to watch tv to escape. 

None of that works long enough to permanently take the edge off. 

I am so angry I want violence. 

I want the people who have stripped me of my body autonomy to be hurt. 

I want those within that group who want to challenge my right to marriage and birth control to be hurt even worse. 

I can’t be around my guy friends. I’m so angry around men, I don’t want to take it out on those who had nothing to do with this, and all I want is queer and female company because I feel like they are the only ones who can truly understand my anger. 

The tears that leak from my eyes, as I have not yet allowed myself to fully cry, are not from defeat or sorrow.

I. Am. Angry.

I feel useless and powerless, which only makes my rage hurt hotter. I feel as if it will burn me up completely. 

My sobriety is on thin ice. 

Last night I reached out to an activist friend for help because I am not okay. I can’t keep going like this. 

So she’s going to help me channel all this energy towards something that will help my community. I’m going to learn how to make something called “portable hugs” to donate to the free mom hugs initiative. It will help me get my hands busy and out of my head.

She’s also going to teach me to diamond paint. Something that requires so much focus that there won’t be time for me to stew in my anger. Think paint by number but it’s done in tiny diamond shapes. 

And then on July 4th, I’m going to a protest. That is where I’ll finally let myself scream. And cry. And channel that rage. I’ll let my voice be heard in the masses of other angry women and queer folk. 

I think that will be what helps me the most.

New Budgeting

 okay so i got in a wreck this past weekend. New look at money. 

the move:

The Room itself will either be 915 (B5 - 739 sq ft) or 1109 (C1 - 844 sq ft  - need a 50K+ job for).

• 915 1st months rent
• 500 deposit
• 35 garage parking spot (assigned)
• 10 admin fee
• 3000 for the move itself
• $150 flight from Chicago to Raleigh if I can talk anyone into making this trip with me. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

4610 = 5K to be on the very safest side. 

I currently have 2K saved up. My car is 99% likely to be totaled so i am waiting to see how much they give me for it. I am hoping for at least 8K; which would let me pay off my current car loan, out a down payment on a new car (at least 2K), and put a bit in savings?

If i can out 1K in savings that means i need 2K more. 2K/10 = 200 (be ready to move by March)

if i can put 1.5K in savings that means..... 1.5K/10 = 150

new car insurance - 450/6 = 75 a month. 

Car Payment - 235$ 

okay so budgeting (budgeting it high)

RENT 700

UTIL 200

INT   0

PHONE 60

STUDENT 75

HEALTH 50

CREDIT 100

CAR P  250

CAR I  100

GYM 10

ENTERT 15

FOOD 200

MISC 200

GAS 100

CATS 50

-------------------------

2110

+ 150 savings.

---------------------

2260 a month  = 2825 before taxes. 

2825 x 12 = 34656 = 16.30 an hour full time 

Once ellis can start helping:

RENT 400

UTIL 100

INT   0

PHONE 60

STUDENT 75

HEALTH 50

CREDIT 100

CAR P  250

CAR I  100

GYM 10

ENTERT 15

FOOD 200

MISC 200

GAS 100

CATS 50

-------------------------

1710

+ 150 savings.

---------------------

1860 a month = 2325 before taxes

2325*12 = 13.41 an hour full time... we won't consider ANYTHING under $15.

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