facing the world; my inner battle

Books, Friends, Music.

keep dreaming

keep breathing

in , out

in, out

How can i breath? the world is moving so fast that i can't catch my breath.

keep breathing

in, out

calm

inhale the world's air

inhale life

high school, college, growing up

stress, family, work.

exhale emotions.

fear, anger, loneliness

happiness, love, irritation, fear.

inhale, exhale

keep breathing.

NO! No crying!

time to get over yourself.

time to live with fear.

But i don't want to grow up! 

Make time stand still!

keep me safe, I'M SCARED

the world doesn't care

to survive means to face the fear

stand  and go along with time,

not against it.

but growing up means jobs, responcibilities, bills, work, stress....

IT SCARS ME! 

Keep breathing

in, out

in, out

keep dreaming

growing up kills my dreams.

the older i get, the harder it is for me to daydream.

the harder it is to get to my imagination.

no dreams is the same as no air to breath.

keep breathing

no crying.

calm down.

inhale, exhale

in, out

books, friends, music.

in, out

in, out

i wish i had a me for me

(please excuse all the short hand words....)

i wish i had a me 4 me.

i listen to other ppl

tell me about there problems.

and i genuinely care!

self-image, self-asteem,

rumors, boys/girls, family, dreams.

i hear secrets and worries,

i'm told memories and storries.

but i myself am never heard.

They tell me whats bothering them,

but thats it.

to them thats all i am.

a rant room friend.

i don't get to say anything

that is bothering me.

when i try,

they brush me aside.

Do they even care?

I have worries and things

that i want 2 share!

I have worries and dreams,

i want to be heard too!

but i'm not!

Don't i count?

My feelings don't REALLY matter to them.

i'm just a tool,

i listen and nod,

i'm sopposed to care.

I DO!

but then they go

and i'm alone.

how is that fair?

I have a few friends

who where around when things happened.

but they were too cought up in thier own thoughts and dreams

to ask if i was OK.

Or to even notice i was hurthing.

No one heard me calling.

they talk and talk.

i listen and care.

But my eyes begin to glisten,

with unshed tears,

as i wonder when i'll be able to talk too.

i have emotions,

pent up feelings that want to be free.

But no one will listen when i want to talk.

thats why i neeed,

a me 4 me.

twin envy

when people see my brown eyes,
they don't see my pent up emotion.
when people see my smile,
they don't see my self control.
when people see my ears,
they don't see how badly i want to be heard.
when people see my grades,
they don't see my "i don't think i can"
when people see my twin,
they don't see how great i am.

you look, but do you see?

when you see my smiling face

you do not deem to give the grace

of actually looking. 

but what when behind the smile

i'm not that person all the while,

i am actually me.

when people look into the future they see themselves falling short or standing tall.

when i look into the future, i see absolutely nothing at all.

as if i'm not there.

some might say this is just a fear,

but what of this voice that no one hears?

the one that speaks to my heart?

that i will die before i am wed,

before i bare a child to bed,

before i live a  future.

there are several ways my life could end,

turning to fast or to slow when the roadway bends,

or in my sleep.

or i shall know the feeling of a bullet

going into me, for the paper in my wallet.

or rather a knife?

i feel my life will end by blade or gun or car crash

but maybe that is how i've died in lives past,

maybe it will pass.

maybe i'm a foolish child who knows nothing of fate,

and you'll just smile and say "poem is great"

but we'll never know.

at least until the time has come

when my time in this life is done,

when i die.

i do not fear this, i do not cry,

i do not get angry, or wonder why,

i just accept this feeling as a knowing.

when i bid this world so long,

simply miss me,'when i'm gone.

please grant me that one wish.

when i'm lost to time and space,

when i am taken from you,

while i'm in this place,

tell what you see...

when you truly look into my face.

sun and moon

when u dream of life and death,
u should consider the sun and moon.
but if you ponder fortune and war too soon,
you'll see only the sun, and not the moon.
The sun is fire, bold, true, and cleansing.
it represents war and life.
it is the beginning and the start.
But seeing only the sun, is to be lost.
For every day there should be night.
life ends.
every creature or presence dies.
The moon is a comforting hand,
gentle and wise.
it represents death, the end.
but also peace.
Unlike the sun, who casts his bold bright rays of glory,
the moon is calm and everything in her pale light shows it's inner beauty.
The sun shows strength and Power. Courage, pride, and honor.
the moon; beauty, intelligence, peace and dreams.
the sun is a shining star that shows the way, he is a guide.
the moon shows the hidden meanings, she is our mentoe.
she illuminates the inner soul.
Everything lives,
everything ends.
After a loss the moon is a kind sight.
The sun strengthens our hearts
so we can love again.
the sun is for action and reality.
the moon is for wisdom and imagination.
So live in the sun.
and dream with the moon.

poem spam

so.... i have a binder full of 3 years worth of poems...and it went missing. guess what i just found? hehehee
get ready for some poem spam!!! :D
~peace

Poem to SG

I try to dwell on the loneliness i feel,
you won't let me, you help me heal,
"yes you feel it, don't make yourself drown;
i prefer your smile, not your frown."

Friend of mine, guardian true,
where would i be if not for you?
With me since birth, do i disappoint?
my worry is for not, our smiles are joined.

feel my happiness, smile with me,
these are the ways i can repay ye,
you hold my hand and touch my face,
who am i to ignore your grace?

thank you, spirit, with whom i share
feelings and dreams. knowing you care
helps me through all the despair;
and feeling your warmth lets me know you're there.

I love you, you know, for all of my days,
and thank you for helping me in so many ways.
Just like now, you've lifted my heart;
comforting me, like you have from the start.


*wrote this in first semester of junior year in math class.