i'm not okay.
and thats okay.
I think Carson's death may have triggered a depressive phase.
not just a normal depressive phase....
i have type 2 depressive bipolar with violent tendencies.
the violent tendencies are coming out.
i feel them. whispering. tempting me.
i feel the depression.
the fog....
the pressure...
my mind is swimming in the river of bipolar with currents going both directions at once.
my medication is a thick layer of ice that usually keeps me above the water's grasp...
but the ice is thin now and i'm sinking.
i'm not okay.
and thats okay.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Homework all due Tuesday
- final copy of memoir - PRINT OUT A HARD COPY
- read Bein Brians and prepare 2 minutes about what you liked
- Read ... ?
- print out and read the two fiction stories
UPDATED COLLEGE NOTES 2016-2017 + Spring semester plans
*** i don't know why i feel like saying this but i am so meticulous inmy academic planning that this post right here took me over 3 hours to make. ****
okay so apparently for my minor i only need 3 more classes. I think what i was looking at before... was for the past year. in 2015 someone needed to have 24 credits of creative writing, now they only need 18.
** all times listed beside each class is when it will be offered in the spring.
Total i need for Creative Writing: 9 credits
okay so apparently for my minor i only need 3 more classes. I think what i was looking at before... was for the past year. in 2015 someone needed to have 24 credits of creative writing, now they only need 18.
** all times listed beside each class is when it will be offered in the spring.
Total i need for Creative Writing: 9 credits
- Core
- Eng 2815 intro to creative writing -3 (MW 2-3:15)
- Eng 3830, 3840,
3850, 3860taking now. - 2 Cognates
The Short Story- taken last year- 3851 Fiction from writer's POV -3
- 1 elective
- 4850 Advanced Fiction Writing -3
source: http://catalog.ecu.edu/preview_program.php?catoid=10&poid=2463&hl=%22creative+writing+minor%22&returnto=search
For My Anth Major: 6 credits
- Feild methods - senior spring - 3 writing intensive
- Anth theory - junior spring - 3 writing intensive (T/TH 8-9:15)
For my General ed: 15 credits
- Comm 2410 - public speaking 11-11:50T/TH 3:30 - 4:45, (T) 6:00 pm-09:00 pm)- Fine Art 3
- Spanish 4 - 3
- Humanities with fine arts (pic 2) - 6
- PHIL 1275 - morals
- PHIL 2272 - sex
- PHIL 2272 - phil of religion
- 1 more social science since Psych of Religion didn't count (choose 1) - 3
- COMM 3152 - interpersonal theory/maintain relationships (MWF 1-1:50, 2-2:50)
- HIST 1031 world history since -1500 -> offered in the spring (T/TH 9:30-10:45)
- POLS 1050 pol and global understanding -> (MWF 8-8:50, 9-9:50)
- SOCI 1025 Courtship and Marriage (T/TH 2-3:15)
- SOCI 1010 Race, Gender, Class ( T/TH 9:30-10:45,11-12:15, 5-6:15 )
- 3 elective classes
- Classic Mythology
- Grimm Glass
- Paranormal Class
- Hospitality classes: 2100, 2170, and maybe 2200
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Math:
i need 120 credits to graduate.... i have 81(including the classes i'm in now)...
thats 39 left. 15+6+6 = 30 credit hours of classes i specifically need. thats 9 free hours = 3 elective classes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Classes For Spring 2017 (only take 5)
available to register: Tuesday, November 1st 2pm
Anth Theory - T/TH 8-9:15
Spanish 4 1-1:50 WMF
Intro to Creative Writing MW 2-3:15
Eng 4850 - advanced fiction T/TH 12:30 - 1:45
Comm 2410 - T/TH 3:30 -4:45
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MWF
Spanish 4 1-1:50 or 12 - 12:50
Spanish 4 1-1:50 or 12 - 12:50
Intro to Creative Writing 2-3:15
T/TH
Anth Theory 8-9:15
Advanced Fiction Workshop 12:30 - 1:45
Public Speaking 3:30 - 4:45
Thoth.... Sarasvati.... please let me get the classes i need.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Work availability
MWF: 7-11:30 and 4-10
T/TH: 5:15-11
sat: open-close
sun: open - 11
interpreting meditation as if it were a dream
in a way, when i meditated i let my mind do what it wanted.... and it was almost like a dream. so out of curiosity i'm going to interpret it as one.
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puzzle pieces
body - To dream about your own body signifies your level of self-worth and self-esteem. Often times, these qualities are dependent on your physical appearance or how your perceive yourself. The dream body also reflects your conscious identity or is representative of your state of health
Tree - To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.
stars - To see stars in your dream symbolize excellence, success, aspirations or high ideals. You are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Perhaps you are being too "starry eyed" or idealistic. Or the stars may represent a rating system. You are you trying to evaluate a situation or establishment. Alternatively, the stars signify your desire for fame and fortune
soul - To dream that your soul is leaving your body represents your feelings of self-guilt. You may have compromised your own beliefs and values. Perhaps you are feeling numb and out of touch with those around you. It is time to change some vital part of your waking life in order to feel fully alive and whole again
floating - To dream that you are floating on air indicates satisfaction, contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems and rising above obstacles. You are experiencing new-found freedom and gaining a new perspective on things. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle. Alternatively, floating in your dream suggests that you are wandering through life aimlessly with no goals. You are just going with the flow.
swimming - To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support.
ground - To dream that you are on the ground represents your foundation and support system. It is also the boundary between your conscious and subconscious. You may be getting closer in confronting and acknowledging your subconscious thoughts. The dream may be a pun on being well-grounded and down to earth or that you have been grounded. Perhaps you are feeling restricted in some aspects of your life.
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putting them together
okay so.... my body became the tree.
Both the body and tree talk about sense of self. So i need to focus on improving myself - this makes sense because i am having conflicting emotions about my physical body as well as i am experiencing a change in spirituality.
My soul floated out of my body and above the tree
I'm feeling guilty about something involving myself and i need to accept and let go of whatever it is i am feeling guilty about.
my soul swam in the stars
i'm looking into my subconious and emotions, but i'm leaving it up to fate and luck.
***it was when i was swimming in the stars that i felt peace.... maybe giving it all up to fate and luck is how i will come to ...
Then i came to the earth/ground and melted into it/became one with it.
To be on it means i am close to finding out what it is that is that is affecting me (i have felt that something is off balance for a little while now), i guess then to be IN or OF the earth means that i will figure it out.
----------------------------------------------------------------
finished picture
There is something that i am feeling guilty about in my search for self growth and my emotions, whatever it is i need to let go of it and leave it to fate - by doing that i will find it and all will end well.
I really feel like this is in regards to my spiritual journey but also in the fact that i need to accept that my crush has moved on - but that i iwll one day have happiness.
to i think it is talking about both my spirituality and my love life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
puzzle pieces
body - To dream about your own body signifies your level of self-worth and self-esteem. Often times, these qualities are dependent on your physical appearance or how your perceive yourself. The dream body also reflects your conscious identity or is representative of your state of health
Tree - To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.
stars - To see stars in your dream symbolize excellence, success, aspirations or high ideals. You are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Perhaps you are being too "starry eyed" or idealistic. Or the stars may represent a rating system. You are you trying to evaluate a situation or establishment. Alternatively, the stars signify your desire for fame and fortune
soul - To dream that your soul is leaving your body represents your feelings of self-guilt. You may have compromised your own beliefs and values. Perhaps you are feeling numb and out of touch with those around you. It is time to change some vital part of your waking life in order to feel fully alive and whole again
floating - To dream that you are floating on air indicates satisfaction, contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems and rising above obstacles. You are experiencing new-found freedom and gaining a new perspective on things. Nothing seems overwhelming or too difficult to handle. Alternatively, floating in your dream suggests that you are wandering through life aimlessly with no goals. You are just going with the flow.
swimming - To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support.
ground - To dream that you are on the ground represents your foundation and support system. It is also the boundary between your conscious and subconscious. You may be getting closer in confronting and acknowledging your subconscious thoughts. The dream may be a pun on being well-grounded and down to earth or that you have been grounded. Perhaps you are feeling restricted in some aspects of your life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
putting them together
okay so.... my body became the tree.
Both the body and tree talk about sense of self. So i need to focus on improving myself - this makes sense because i am having conflicting emotions about my physical body as well as i am experiencing a change in spirituality.
My soul floated out of my body and above the tree
I'm feeling guilty about something involving myself and i need to accept and let go of whatever it is i am feeling guilty about.
my soul swam in the stars
i'm looking into my subconious and emotions, but i'm leaving it up to fate and luck.
***it was when i was swimming in the stars that i felt peace.... maybe giving it all up to fate and luck is how i will come to ...
Then i came to the earth/ground and melted into it/became one with it.
To be on it means i am close to finding out what it is that is that is affecting me (i have felt that something is off balance for a little while now), i guess then to be IN or OF the earth means that i will figure it out.
----------------------------------------------------------------
finished picture
There is something that i am feeling guilty about in my search for self growth and my emotions, whatever it is i need to let go of it and leave it to fate - by doing that i will find it and all will end well.
I really feel like this is in regards to my spiritual journey but also in the fact that i need to accept that my crush has moved on - but that i iwll one day have happiness.
to i think it is talking about both my spirituality and my love life.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Confirmed
So the cards pretty much confirmed that my crush has lost interest in me.
I'm not giving up hope per se ... But like I decided previously I'm not going to peruse her. Especially now.
But if she reaches out? You bet your bottom dollar I won't say no.
Tarot reading about me an my crush
What is my relationship with *crish's name*
--------------
Card that jumped out: 3 of swords - heartache
---------------
Me - emperor reversed - obstruction, ineffective?
Her - the sun- enlightenment, contentment
My above - wheel of fortune reversed - impass, resistance, denial
Her left- 7 of cups - overwhelming options (oh fuck, does that mean she is into someone else?)
My below - the moon - transformation, cycles, spiritual awakening (I feel I am at a spiritual turning point at the moment a accurate)
Her right - 2 of cups reversed- misunderstanding
Journey
1. Knight of wands reversed - arrogance, discord, fear of commitment
2. Page of cups reversed - detachment, withdrawal
3. Justice reversed - severity, inconsistency
4. 9 of swords reversed - self sabotage
---------------
What is against us?
1. 8 of pentacles - efficiency, recognition
2. The devil - illusion, force,
3. 4 of wands reversed - setbacks
What can I do to improve the situation?
1. 3 of wands reversed - overconfidence, preoccupation, rejection... (Maybe I should reject the other girl in talking to? Or should I just admit I've been rejected by my crush...)
2. Ace of pentacle - prosperity, contentment, new ventures
3. The devil reversed - release, freedom, liberation through self awareness.
----------------
What?
I have a sneaking suspicion of something but I'm not sure.... I need comparisons!
Tarot reading
Questions: tell me about my upcoming romantic relationship
Her - the high priestess - intuition, comprehension, knowledge
My above - the star (coincidence... Swimming in stars?) - be optimistic, opportunity comes
Her left - knight of swords - brave, skilled, ready to rush in
My below - reversed 10 of cups - forced appearances
Her right - 3 of wands - accomplishment/effort
Our journey
1- 6 of wands reversed - pride, undermined efforts
2 - the lovers - attraction, synergy
3 - the devil - ignorance, illusion, force
4 - the empress reversed - indecision, anxiety
Hmmmmmm.....
What do you guys make of this?
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