Guilt trip

Cory said he would take Diana to work at 5am.

Backed out again.

So of coarse it falls on me again.

Well I am obviously not happy, so he proceeds to try and guilt trip me!!!

“She’s not some bum,no good person....”

Never said she was.

“This is the most stable living environment she’s had in a while”

I know.

“She’s trying to get back on her feet. She’s doing really well and just needs some support, we should do what we can because she deserves the help. Like Jimmie says, she’s just doing her best.”

Yeah. I know. I talk about how proud I am of her.

And if that’s how you feel, THEN YOU CAN WAKE UP AT 4:30 AND TAKE HEE RO WORK LIKE YOI SAID YOU WOULD THE LAST TWO TIMES.

I said I would take her.
I never said I would be happy about it.

And how dare he try to guilt trip me.

“You’ll get repayment.... karma and monitary”

I said I would do it. It’s not out of the goodness of my heart it’s because I don’t want Jimmie to have to deal with it before work. So no. I won’t be getting good karma.

But since I didn’t bother to hide my anger to at the situation or at Cory, Jimmie volunteers to take her.

Now I feel guilty as hell that he has to get up hours before work and take her.

And I look like a in compassionate bitch.


But I didn’t sign up to be a fucking taxi.
I don’t mind giving a ride or two after 11 if I don’t have plans. But to begin with she was suppose to work right down the street. Which is why she moved in so fucking early.


I get it. None of this is her fault.
She is struggling and doing the best that she can.

I know. I sympathize.

Doesn’t make me any less irritated.

Soon.

Soon.

Just heard our first light bill. Now I’m stressing about money.

Well apparently there is some from the previous apartment, (so I don’t know how much my share will be this month) - but this apartment is about 135 in utilities.

A full month could be about 180.
Rent is 685.
Internet is 85.

That’s 950.

3 people paying.  316.67 each.

When Diana pays off her lawyer and starts paying her share of bills

4 people paying: 237.50 each.

79. 17 difference per person.


Plus groceries.

I’m working 4 days a week now, not 5 or 6.
My paychecks are close to 100$ lower now.

It really can’t come soon enough.


Rent, utilities, internet: 317
Phone: 45
Car insurance 160
Health insurance 25
Credit card: 75
Gas 60
Cats 40
Groceries 100
Student loans: 25


847$

So a minimum of 850$ in monthly expenses.

Sigils and seals

So I need to make some sigils and seals.

I figure the best way for me to stop feeling so bad and upset is simply for me to stop caring.

So let’s seal up those pesky emotions.

Seal loneliness
Seal hurt
Seal ____ (I need a word for craving someone’s company)
Seal jealousy (no it’s not romantic jealousy, so my former seal won’t work) or,
Seal resentment
Seal regret



Sigils for:
Independence
Nonchalant (would do apathy but that might influence more than my relationship... better do it on a pink candle.)
Solitary
Indifferent
Confidence
Self efficient



Some I’ll do on candles, some I’ll do on skin, some I might burn on paper.

But hey, now I have some spells to do.

I can’t affect his behavior, but I can mine.

Maybe I’ll make myself a witch bag.
I’ll put in some of the sigils, sealed in charged wax (or moon water).
I’ll get some stones and herbs.
——keep under pillow——-

- bay leaf
-calendula/marigolds
-marjoram
-sage

Back and forth

Yesterday I get to spend time with him and it was great. It was wonderful. I had him all to myself. I felt loved, I felt happy. we spent quality time together, not just on our phones next to each other barely touching.

I come home from a long day at work, looking forward to spending the next two hours with him; Mr. Caird gave me a bottle of wine and I was planing on putting on a movie or show and relaxing with him. It was one of the things that got me through my shift tonight... which was very long and chaotic. 

Instead I’m greeted with a kiss hello, a quick hug, and he returns to playing video games. 

With Diana. 

I get they both enjoy video games and it’s a hobby for them. 

She had work earlier, probably worked 8 hours and wanted to destress.  That’s what.. her being home at 7. Give an hour to eat and change and what not...so 8; I got home at 11. 3 hours of playing? 

He had an appointment at 3. Wasn’t home until after I got left for work. So let’s say 7 again.  So they’ve both had like 3 hours of playing. 

Not as long as their usual perhaps. But she’s gotten to see him for those 3 hours. I wanted my turn. 

I know the cards said I need to get red of this victim perspective but godsdammit. 

I was looking forward to being with him. 

But whatever. I’ll watch a movie in the room. Drink my wine and spend time with my cat. 

Maybe I’ll get a good night kiss before bed, although doubtful since I don’t think I’m going to make it through the movie. I’ll probably pour my wine back in the bottle too. I really only like to drink if I’m in a good mood. 

And I am far from my former good mood. 

Maybe Darcy and Eliza will lighten my mood so I can at least not have bad dreams.

Kind of want to text Savannah but don’t want to annoy her. 

Huh.

Huh.

The universe apparently is making a mockery of me because after that blog post I got to spend quality time with Jimmie... and for the first time ... I’m going to have the apartment to myself.

Cory has class at 3.
Jimmie has a dr appointment at 3.
And Diana is at work.

Huh.

Finally

Tonight’s after his class, Jimmie spent some quality time with me. As in, closed the door, put a movie on in the room, and cuddled. 

Played music and just held me. 

I could cry I’m so happy. 

I’ve missed this

Alone

the downside to living with three other people... aside from not having any place to escape to when everyone is home... is it’s almost impossible to be home alone.

There is always someone here.

Cory gets out of class before I even wake up.
Idk what’s going on with Diana’s job, but she’s always home.

I don’t want to interact with them but I don’t want to just stayed cooped up in my room.

There is only so much I can do outside the apartment without spending money.

It’s impossible to have the apartment to myself. Or to just have it be Jimmie and I for more than 10 minutes.

Let’s be real. That’s the real issue.
It seems impossible to get time alone with him. I get home from work and he’s playing video games or watching a movie with Diana. I get that they are best friends. but sometimes it feels like I’m third wheeling in my own relationship. the only real alone time I get with him is when we are going to bed.

Granted, he’s trying. I see that. But frankly I don’t think that one day a week of us spending some time together is enough to fix what’s going on. unfortunately it seems we might have to just ride it out and hope for the best. Because I don’t know what else to do.

It was hard before but now school is added on top of that, he now has homework to do when he’s home. Which don’t get me started on - because apparently he can watch alto with the other 2 but gets to homework as soon as I come home. It seems the only day we would be able to spend the most time together is going to go back to being homework day.

I miss how it was. I miss seeing him all the time. I miss going on errands together. I miss our late night trips to Walmart or Taco Bell. I miss being on the same schedule as him.

I don’t miss having to leave by babies to see him  or leaving him to see my babies... but I miss having my place. I miss having a place I could go with him to get away from everything and everyone else. I miss having a place away from everyone and everything else.


I’m just feeling so lonely and pessimistic. I wish I could go back and freeze time.