face it

I think I just need to face it.

Jimmie is done with me.  I think hes been done with me for a while... i don't know exactly when... the very latest was in april. perhaps back when the hurricane hit he was already done with me... but then why didn't he let me leave? Hell... I honestly think it could have been before November and our anniversary.

so some time between october/november 2018 and april 2019 he realized he didn't love me anymore. He didn't want me anymore. He stayed with me because he's too much of a coward to actually break up with me himself... that and what we had was what had become normal. comfortable, even if he wanted it to end.

and that has carried over into how we interact now.. everything he has said since we broke up.... all of the "baby"'s and sweet words... they've come out of habit. All of his sweet actions.... the cuddles, the occasional hand hold.... its muscle memory and comfort.

none of it means anything because i'm still here and thats why he does it.
It will all stop when i'm out of the apartment.

i can almost guarantee it. i'll get an occasional snap.. occasional meme.. maybe one or two visits and then it will all stop completely.

the "i love yous" are platonic at best and more than likely just to keep me pacified while i'm still here so he doesn't have to deal with me being weepy and emotional.

I've lost the man that i love.. the one who i thought i would end up spending the next, i don't know.... 20-30 years with?And i don't even know how long hes actually been gone.

so i need to take everything thats happened or been said at face value. At best it comes out of habit and a desire to retain what is comfortable for as long as he can... at worse its all just an act to keep me from being too unbearable to live with.

Freeze time

I am so stressed.
Lex is leaving bistro which means that we are left with me, Erika, and Daniel.

Erika has a very limited schedule so she’s like half a server. Daniel is too new so he’s like half a server.

I don’t know how we are going to function.

I wish I could go back to this morning of cuddling with Jimmie and being warm and comfortable and just freeze time. It was so nice. Being sleepy enough to where no anxious or sad thoughts could come forward... it was just me and him, close and warm and all pleasantness. Almost like a snapshot of us from months ago.

Why is it moments like that are so few and far in between but stressors keep POPPING OUT OF THE WOOD WORK???

The next girl

And that damn song plays in my head on repeat anytime I get near him now.

I wonder if it will be the couple song with his next girlfriend?
Will he feel like a whole person with her?

Maybe she will be able to read his mind and be able to tell when he needs space and maybe she won’t be overbearing and too clingy. Maybe she’ll be a gamer. Maybe she’ll be able to figure out what he wants and make sense of what he does.
Maybe she can understand his periods of distance interrupted by random sweet acts that won’t take her by surprise.

I remember when we first started dating he was telling me about his different exes and I thought “I wonder how he will describe me to the next girl?”

Will I be the overly sensitive clingy girl who just wasn’t enough?
Will I be the girl who was suppose to just be a fling but he couldn’t figure out a way to get away sooner?
Will he talk about marriage and kids with her too? And then say it was too soon?

Maybe not.

Maybe she’ll move at the same pace as him, slow and cautious.
Maybe I’ll be more cautious moving forward... scared to trust what seems like a good thing.

Maybe his family will like her more than me.

All I can think is that if I could put time in a bottle I would bottle up the first year with him and just stay there.

I just want this damn song out of my head.

At least the one in my head is the cover that I put on his CD and not the original one that I’m sure played in Amy’s head.

Same words, different voice. I wonder which version will play in her head.



I just want my brain to be quiet... I wish I had more goddamn lorazepam.

Our songs...

Today music has ruined my mood.

I went and visited with my mom and somehow we wound up listening to songs that applied to my break up with Jimmie. Mostly from my POV, which got me crying.
But we came across one by accident while looking up a bunch of songs by a particular artist that describes how Jimmie had said he left/feels.

Half a man by Dean Lewis.

“But how am I supposed to love you
When I don't love who I am?
And how can I give you all of me
When I'm only half a man?
'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning
So let go of my hand
Oh, how can I give you all of me
When I'm only half a man?”

So that also got me sad, but kind of happy there was a song out there that could kind of represent Jimmie and how he feels right now. Or at least how I think he feels based on how he explained things. 
BUT 
Then I also just found out that our song? “If I could put time in a bottle”
The song he use to sing to me?The song lyrics I was going to use to propose to him when he graduated?
Was the same couple song he had with Amy.
I don’t know why that hurts but it does. Makes the song lose value? Makes me feel like... maybe I was just a rebound. His feels for me was just a transference of residual love for Amy.. wasn’t genuine and that’s why he really wanted to break up.  Because no one expects their rebound to last and maybe our relationship lasted longer than he wanted. 

Pretty much took an already dark and sad mood and just sent me spiraling even more.

Animals to look up

Owl- culture - bald eagle

Wolf

Horse/donkey/mule/moose?

Panther

Bouncy castle

I keep going back and forth like a damn bouncy castle.

Falling in sorrow...Pessimistic and full of doubt.
Rising up with hope and how much I love him.


As much as I doubt his sweet words and how down and dark I feel about our relationship is and will stay over the next year at least...

I seriously see myself having a life with him.
I constantly have to stop myself from just calling him baby. I have to resist my urge to just go up and kiss him. When I’m actually with him, my heart soars.

As doubtful as I am... I’m still totally in love with him and I’m having a hard time making my feelings go dormant.

I keep trying to let the doubt burry the love.. but it’s just not working. Instead it’s taking my emotions and mental state and just has me jumping up and down like I’m in a goddamned bouncy castle.

Sweet words are just words. (poem)

your sweet words numb the pain
that i know will soon overpower me.
your warm touch, your bold embrace
shield me from the avalanche and makes me feel safe...
a false sense of security.

but we part ways every time;
the protective barriers fall away,
and i'm left to swim in the abyss of knowing
that its all coming to an end
- everything ends anyway.

I've tasted hope and I've let in doubt
wanting to believe the words you say
but what i know steals any amount
of faith that could be tempted to stay.
Your sweet words are just words.

When i'm gone and the room is empty,
for a short time you may miss my company.
Your life will resume and carry on in its complexity
and your world will continue to spin.
Your absence will scream in my ears.

"I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved"
I always felt that i loved others more than they loved me
but after a year and a half  with you, trust blossomed and the fear stopped.
So then, did our relationship.

There are kind words and good intentions,
there are unspoken truths and cold realities.
whichever comes to pass I hold no resentment.
What is meant to be will always be...
and it seems for you that wasn't me.

My love for you flows from my eyes every night,
Your warm arms holds it at bay for a time,
but i dread the day when I say goodbye
because I know from your heart I will fade away.
I wonder how long will you haunt mine?