mushy and emotional

I'm honestly so emotional right now. I don't know if its the health issue stress or just being on my period.... but i'm feeling like extreme feelings of love towards Viking Boy right now. 

He has been so patient and sweet and concerned with me over the past 2 weeks as he realized how much pain I've been in. He has been checking on me, insistent on making some changed in the bedroom as a means to make sure my lady health is as stable as possible, and had been so emotionally supportive. 

I am overcome with gratitude and love for him. I honestly don't even know if i can put it into words... I just want to cry haha

-- 

Faerie Lovers (My first attempt at bardic storytelling)

Faerie Lovers (My first attempt at bardic storytelling.. to the tune of "The highwayman" ish?)

One such beauty before her

One such beauty as his

Could scarcely hold her attention

The beautiful elven prince

She'd grown accustomed to beauty

it nearly made her bored

but his eyes caught her attention,

they eyes of an elven lord. 

He brandished his hand towards her, 

her fingers graced his skin.

He stood a full head taller,

her crown met his chin. 

He smiled down at her,

she couldn't help her grin

He took her into his arms, 

she was warm within his arms, 

He took her in his arms, 

and led her to the floor. 

Into the dancing circle,

with many a giggle and glee

they danced to their own music,

their bodies moving free,.

She smiled as he moved her, 

together they came as one

The elven prince before her,

the blue eyed prince before her,

The elven prince before her,

had her heart there on. 

They met each courtly gathering,

their responsibilities ignored,

holding each other closely

dancing evermore. 

They moved and twirled together

their souls paired to the core,

She knew her parting would hurt him,

doing her duty would hurt him,

she scarsley could dream to hurt him,

but knew it must be done. 

She left the dance in haste,

He followed her to the door.

I must leave you, my love

theres a calling I cannot ignore.

He begged her not to do it,

the humans could do as they pleased,

she shook her head and left him,

he fell to his knees. 

Her death was swift and painless,

her soul to move onward.

Born again a human,

teaching them how to love.

He knew he could not live without her,

he would follow her too,

His soul would watch over,

Protect her and watch over,

his love he would watch over,

his soul would guide her through. 

He watched as she grew,

A beautiful lady now. 

He reached out through the veil,

hearing her sweet heart pound. 

He would ever be there,

for her in her human form,

until they danced together,

their feet moving together,

their hands clasped together,

dancing the floor once more. 

She knew her guide was watching,

she would never be alone. 

She was called to love the humans,

her soul still faerie in form. 

She would show them love,

teach them the ways of old. 

She would call on him to remind her,

whenever she longed for home. 

He would be her guide,

she would be his charge.

Together they would complete

the mission of her heart.

Though sadly they were not together,

the souls were barley apart... 

Their love was something pure,

soul to soul so pure,

something that can be so pure...

will last forever more. 

Health Cont.

So we are down to 2 main possibilities as to what is causing my pain... both would not have shown up on the ultrasound and both probably would have been able to have been either ruled out or warranted testing for if I had been able to go through with the pelvic exam. So... thats frustrating.

Symptoms of Cervical Cancer

• Blood spots or light bleeding between or following periods 
• - yup
• Menstrual bleeding that is longer and heavier than usual 
• - yup
• Bleeding after intercourse, douching, or a pelvic examination 
• - yup, but not everytime
• Increased vaginal discharge 
• - YUP, but I also had an infection?
• Pain during sexual intercourse 
• - yup
• Unexplained, persistent pelvic and/or back pain 
• --- YUP ON MY GD OVARIES

Symptoms of Endometriosis

• Painful intercourse 
• - yup
• Pain (usually pelvic) that usually occurs just before menstruation and lessens after menstruation
• ^ OH FUCK YEAH DOES IT GET WORSE
• Cramping during intercourse 
• - yup and after
• Cramping or pain during bowel movements 
• - yup
• Pain with pelvic examinations 
• - FUCK YES.
• diarrhea and/or constipation, 
• - yes and yes but usually just when i'm on my period
• low back pain
• not this one. 
• chronic fatigue  
• - idk if chronic but especially on my period.
• irregular or heavy menstruation, 
• - yes but also IUD :/
• painful urination, or bloody urine (particularly during menstruation) 
• - bloody urine during period but ... everyone has that... its a period... 

Sojourner: Dedication Page and New Outline.

1) Dedication page:

I would like to dedicate this memoir to a number of people;

To my mother, Nicole, for telling me I wasn't broken and for pushing me to get help. 

To My friend David for connecting me to the best therapist I have ever had. 

To Melissa, my therapist, for allowing me to bare myself and be vulnerable, for telling me I wasn't crazy, for giving me answers, and for helping me realize how to move forward. 

To my friends, the support system I needed in order to push through the hard days.

To my younger self, for being so open and willing to love... I hope I continue to heal your hurts.

To my present self, for finding the strength to live. 

**I have opted to call Melissa by name because of the level of emotional intimacy and trust that had been created on this journey. While I recognize her as my health professional.... I also see her as a friend and someone I trust implicitly. Calling her by name allows me to show my appreciation for her in my own way. 

2) Open letter to the reader (about how I hope this memoir helps them)

Part 1: I feel like I need to really delve deep for introductions. It should be its own part. I am a many faceted person and I think that I have not really shown that... I am too disconnected. 

3) Introductions (mine and Fiona's)

- Add more about myself to my introduction.... I kind of just harped on the process of the title and not really myself....  

• My childhood and how I grew up 
• Memory loss.... blank slate for most of childhood.
• include "little bird" because that will show up in the poems
• Family dynamic
• Spiritual aspect of growing up; native animism, church, little people and my faerie faith, god is a girl... paganism.
• My journey to understanding my sexuality from bi to biromantic gay to biromantic ace  .... reactions.... giving the talks.
• My school and career goals. Conservation and the desire to "save the world"
• Bipolar and how it impacted everything... My "other self/ Faerie Self"

-launch into Fiona. - still need to write Fiona's - Everything i know of her, how we are the same and how we are different, sword and sheilf, older sister, means of communication, explanation of 

Part 2:

4) Summary of events and explanation of the memoir as introduction of part 2

5) Down Memory lane... (still in progress... I have only written portions of this)

- abuse vs domineering (need to add a LOT more to, still incomplete)

- the walk/talk (need to revisit with notes written)

- competing with Scarlet and the other girl I will call.... Hannah? - emotional manipulation, making me compete with people not even present

- Tarot Cards.... her readings seemed to try to push me one way... my readings screaming the truth. ** give credit to how much of a positive influence this was and bring it back to fate... tarot cards is how i made all my freinds that I still have today as my support system... meant to happen....

- Swing Set argument 

- The incident (to be written saturday March 7th)

6) Symptoms and  Diagnosis (this will include what therapy has taught me and coping mechanisms as I address each symptom)

- also for change of belief.... how my belief of the purpose of sex changed. totally.

- bring up loss sense of self examples.... WRITING MY OWN GD INTRO. both times I tried I ended up writing the summary and only harping on why I chose the title.. I might need help writing the intro... thats fucking sad. (scratch that.... that was too harsh) *** the difference between i THINK and i FEEL statements!!!

- Altered States.... Fiona.... the realization of memory loss and time confusion

- Relationships and sexuality - how my realtionships were affected, over view of each, hopefully the end.....  also how this affected my views on my sexuality and eventually how my views of sex changed again through my relationships. BRING UP BDSM AS A COPING METHOD AND THEN EXPLAIN ABOUT BDSM. * this is very important as it is the SOLE reason I was able to be sexual again. 

7) Thank you

- go over everything I have learned

- reiterate LIVING as the goal, healing as the process

- Where my life is now and goals for the future. 

PART 3

8) introduction to coping mechanisms for me: spirituality ( talk about Brigid and Aine... little over views, my relationship to them and how they have helped me), Fiona, WRITING.... 

- the goal of this section is to hopefully show the pattern of my decline during the relationship, but also the growth I have done since then and even as I write the memoir. 

- Put as many poems about my trauma, symptoms, Fiona, healing, spirituality in reference to this topic, sex, poems and thoughts about the memoir and healing process, etc. As I see fit. 

9) Another letter to the reader of hope and moving forward, as well as sincere advice. 

-- 

more health stuff

okay so....

there is a SMALL chance that i might have endometriosis.... but it would have to be at the beginner stage. 

anyway... 

so i'm gonna have my daughter at 28. What would cause me to remove my IUD and have a kid before I was planning on it (in my 30's)? If there was a risk or reason to fear infertility. 

I was talking with my therapist and she said that sometimes a set date for hysterectomies is put in place for people with Endo or people who are genetically inclined for lady cancers. 

she recommended taking the DNA test that shows what health risks you may have direct risk of having. Which surprisingly 23andme and Ancestry offer. There's also another one that screens for over 175 predispositions and even covers things like alcoholism and memory issues. I think i'm going to get it when I get my tax refund.  

doctor results.

Okay so... finally heard back from the doctor.

I have bacterial Vaginosis... which explains a chunk of my symptoms.... 

just not any of the ones i am actually worried about. 

Doesn't explain the cervical pain/painful sex. - every time i have sex

Doesn't explain the ovarian cramps. - almost every day. 

the pain is why I went to the doctor. What I was most worried about happened; my ultrasound was normal. We don't have any answers to my main concerns. 

I am so upset. I am so frustrated. I am so tired of pain. 

The BV should be gone in a week. 

I'm getting a referral to go see an OBGYN because my doctor doesn't think the pain is from the BV. 

I want to scream. 

I have cried. 

I want some fucking answers. 

I am as my Mother (poem)

Life springs from within.
Our bodies mirror the earth
both standing strong.

But slowly we're poisoned,
the pain seeping in,
I already begin to mourne.

To be barren, to see famine
the world would seem to crumble,
With so much life yet to give.

Pain pulses from within
infecting the foundation
of what would bring me my greatest joy.

Unknown dangers harken now,
black liquid replacing our tears,
 - we are polluted.


**Sterilized women,
who cannot give birth..
Strip mine the womb of Mother Earth**

There is always hope,
We are making changes,
I pray that she can be saved.




*** Quoted from the Ulali song "Museum"