New Apartment Viewing

 So I saw my apartment yesterday. 

it is a LOT better than I was expecting. 

Its newly refurbished... black countertops and appliances INCLUDING A MICROWAVE AND DISHWASHER. Lots of counter space! All dark cabinets, although there is limited cabinet space so a pantry is a must.  

Dark wood flooring everywhere except for the bedroom. The Bedroom is small, but doable. A twin would provide the most space but I refuse to go back to that small of a bed. My boss is giving me his spare full bed and frame, so that is exciting and expenses I don't have to worry about! 

There is a window untit and baseboard heating... but the window unit is HUGE and would have NO trouble cooling down such a small apartment.. plus there are ceiling fans in both living room and the bedroom... add that with a dehumidifier and its going to be easy peasy to keep cool in the summer. Add a humidifier for the winter time. 

I'm going to leave my headboard for Chandler to use or get rid of at her leisure. It's big and bulky, and no longer serves me... especially if I'm going to be getting more bookshelves. 

I've gotten a bed and frame secured. I've got a coffee table secured and at least one little end table. I'm about to have a dresser secured. Madison said something about giving me some external hanging racks for my clothes. 

I think that I will keep Lilith in my bedroom... If I get a night stand with a drawer I can make that My sex drawer/lingerie... and Honestly.. I feel like if I put my most used toys on her alter then when I use them it would be done as an offering to her? Maybe I can get a small red chest and keep that on the top of the dresser?

Also for the living room....

I think I want to have a display case for all my masks. I think perhaps i will dedicate a mask to each deity too...Leave it on their altar. (This is dual purposed...1 - if I want to embody that deity I can put on the mask that will hopefully take on their energy...and 2 - should also reduce the number of masks I have to fit on the display case)

I'll have my altars on a big bookshelf... Demeter and Cernunnos are on one shelf. Maeve on one shelf. Aine on one shelf. Ancestors on one shelf.Brigid in the Kitchen. I think Kuan Yin will have a place next to the ancestors. Bast and Thoth I think I will put on top of the small bookshelf. I'll Move all my Jars and stuff to the kitchen, and see if I can fit the books that were on the headboard on that shelf? Might need to reduce my books a bit. 

Might not have to get some shelving for a pantry... I re-looked over the cabinet space and there's a section I could use as a pantry. Maybe. Its kind of small and I will have to climb on the counter to get it. 

I'll hang the Bast Tapestry on the wall in the kitchen. Then hang my fan over the couch With a standing Lamp that uses a magenta LED light? Put the Astrology tapestry behind the TV.  Have the movie displays beside the TV and then in the Corner have the cat litter plant?

Things still need to get:

Furniture:

- bedroom night stand --> Pick up next week (free)

- Plant Catlitter box --> Amazon $50

- dresser --> picking up tomorrow $50

- Display case for masks --> $85

- 2 DVD things from amazon ---> not a priority. $15 each

- Large bookshelf --> Walmart or Sam's Club $50

- Shoe Rack by the front door to hold all of my shoes (need to go through my shoes)

- Desk? Maybe?

-Curtains - Amazon $30

- Outside storage container - $150

- Small Stone Table/Birdbath for faerie altar outside? 

- Garden Box?as a faerie altar?

Household Items

- Welcome Mat - Amazon : Speak friend and enter

- Laundry Detergent and dryer sheets 

- Pink Weighted Blanket

- Hand Soaps

- bathroom mat (in tub and out)

- Shower Curtain (waterproof cloth one) 

- Silverware and Knife set 

- Cooking Spoons and Spatulas 

- Wine opener

- dishwasher pods - need right away

- TACKS!! - need right away

- Scissors! - need right away

- Paper Towels - need right away

- Toilet Paper - need right away

-  water filter pitcher - need right away

- cleaning supplies (windex, bathroom cleaner, broom)

- tub stopper if I want a bath

- electric kettle

- Pan Holders/Oven Mitts 

hungry

 I'm getting hungry.

Not physically hungry, although that's something that should worry me.. 

energetically hungry. 

Its been just over 2 weeks since the breakup and I don't have an energy source to feed from now. I don't want sex itself... I want the energy it brings. I want to feed (as cringe as that sounds). 

The idea of feeding on a stranger makes me cringe because

1) we are in a pandemic and I can't go around kissing strangers

2) I... don't want to kiss a stranger. 

3) Its not easy finding a vibe I actually enjoy enough to want to feed on it. 

Struggles of an energy vamp. 

Lilith

 Lilith

Okay so. I hadn't blogged about this because I wanted to be sure. 

So towards the end of my 7 week focus with brigid, she indicated that my next step was to embrace the wild/feral part of myself that I have under lock and key. Whenever I would ask for details about it I got cards about sexual freedom and deep spiritual change. What was holding me back? The devil tarot card.... attachment. 

I couldn't move forward because I was happy in my relationship. I was okay with putting it to the side. She was not. 

There was also the issue of who she said would guide me through my next spiritual cycle... Lilith.  I do not know what to do with freedom, to an extent it scares me. There was so much about what was hinted would unfold with her that I was intimidated.

 1) There are super heavy sex associations and it had been made clear to me that I was suppose to take on almost a "man-eater" persona. That scared me. 

2) Many people consider her a closed practice, (from her jewish associations) and I didnt want to cross any cultural lines. 

3) Solitude and Shadow Work. Real deep devoted shadow work. 

1) I am no longer in that relationship (*cries*) but I am thoroughly confused and doubtful about  the sex part. Being ace I don't really see the point of having sex outside of a relationship. however Lilith has pretty much said that its not something I'm going to just jump into aor be thrown in. Last night I talked to her about it. She told me my first step was to learn myself, and not to focus on the sexual aspects for now. (cross that bridge when we get there). But... last night she sent me a dream, to kind of show me the situations that could lead to casual sex while also not being scary or intimidating. She showed me how it could happen organically. It was reassuring.

2) I received explicit permission through a very intense card reading and spiritual messages. The key factor being, I could reach out to her... but she might not have reached back out. Well... she did. I was surprised with how clear she came through too... and she willingly spoke to me through my cards as well. 

3) This isn't going to be a fast process. I don't have to have all the answers. But she's willing to help me. The first step of freedom is getting to know myself again... gain a direction I really want to go into in life. My time of being a kid in her home town is going to end soon. I need to figure out where I want to fly to when I leave the nest. Step 1: self discovery and being okay with being alone. (while I am totally fine with being alone and the idea of being single for a while, I do struggle with loneliness. This will give me a refresher course on being alone seing as I han't been single long term in 3 years.)

(on another note Lilith doesn't feel anything like what I was expecting. I was expecting cold and controlled like Maeve... but she's not. Shes VASTLY approachable. she's almost like if Maeve and Aine combined.)

I see her as an iridescent silver snake. I have had that image in my mind since i decided I would start to work with her. Lo and behold... when I opened the package that held the Lilith book... there was a silver snake with the pink lotus flower as her imagery. This feels right.

Shes not my patron by any means, but she is for sure my teacher and the teacher I need at this time in my life.  

Lilith guide me. Like a snake let me shed the skin of who I was and emerge a new being. Stronger, kinder, more impassioned, and more sure of who and what she is. May I emerge fresh and with purpose. 

Making Moves. Once Again.

 I have put down the application for the place i'm trying to move. 

If I get approved then I will be close enough to walk to work on nice days. 

Looking at some official numbers

1500

-------------

- 475 rent

- 270 car payment and insurance 

- 50 phone

-100 student loans (might be able to finagle?) 

-60 credit card 

-30 cats

-30 gas

- 65 health ins

- 70 utilities (i do laundry once every 2 weeks.. hardly ever turn on lights) 

- 40 internet --> Suddenlink

- 100 savings

- 15 gym --> this is detrimental to my health. 

- 100 (misc. household, clothes, etc)

-----------------------------

95 for food a month. 

Deplete savings at move in. 

Pay off credit card and reimburse savings with financial aid in January. 

Put groceries on credit card and try to pay at least $75 a month on it. 

- FOOD BANKS

- MUST apply for EBT... I really do think I just barley qualify... even if its like $50 it would really help me a lot. 

Pre-Hermit

 So. Instead of chandler taking his room and making him move out... I'm going to live on my own. There are a lot of reasons to do this. Money will be REALLY FUCKING tight. But I will find a way to make it work. See if I can qualify for EBT... go to foodbanks on Saturday or Sunday mornings. But I have been craving my own space, and wanting to get away from paramount anyway. I'll be so close to work that I could walk to work in the mornings (although crossing the street is going to be hard). 

This way Chandler can stay living with him, hes not alone without any support... and I know they really do get along with each other. She'll be happier living with him than living with me. Besides... I think I really need to take some time to myself after all this. I jumped right into a relationship after Jimmie and never took the time to myself. I don't want to do that again. Even just sharing a living space.. I want somewhere that is mine and just mine. 

Somewhere I can bring people in when I want and then be alone when I want. Somewhere I can heal and grow and then emerge when I'm ready. I want it to be just me and my cats again. Go out and see people... have people come see me. But it would be my space. 

These are things I need to acquire... but the things in bold are what I will need right away DAY of move in. 

Deposit: 500 + 150 utilities fee + Suddenlink fees = 800 est. fees alone to move and get internet

 Furniture:

Living Room

Futon/Couch 

- Me: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Memory-Foam-Futon-Black-Suede/115008300 --> $160 before tax

- Cara: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Serta-Casual-Convertible-Easton-Sofa-Microfiber-Black/957729368?selected=true --> 130 before tax

TV stand - Already have one

Shelving - Headboard already have (books one side, movies the other?)

TV - already have

DVD Player - already have

Desk (for art and computer) - 

Shoe rack (by the door) - 

Coffee Table - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Ktaxon-Lift-Top-Coffee-Table-Modern-Furniture-Hidden-Compartment-and-Lift-Tablet-Black/260520666 ---> $120 before tax

Low seating for game nights/hidden storage for games - 

Mock Plant Cat Litter (and I can throw out the one I currently use)  - https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pet-Stuff-Hidden-Litter/dp/B000MPR2GI/ref=sr_1_1?crid=31HMPAVRKLT8&dchild=1&keywords=plant+hidden+litter+box&qid=1602705726&sprefix=plant+hidden%2Caps%2C138&sr=8-1 --> 50

Lamp?

Curtains 

Kitchen:

- Microwave - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Hamilton-Beach-1-1-Cu-Ft-1000W-Stainless-Steel-Microwave/941582049 ---> $70

- portable dishwasher

- tap water filter

- ice trays

- mini freezer

- plates and cups = target/walmart plastic ones. 

- Silverware and knife set (take the cutting board)  - walmart probably like $30

- Shelving = Pantry - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-4-Door-Storage-Cabinet-Dark-Chocolate/20666620 $110

Bedroom:

- BED AND FRAME (Full) 

      - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-14-High-Profile-Foldable-Steel-Bed-Frame-Powder-coated-Steel-Full/49920622.  --> 65$

     - https://www.samsclub.com/p/sleep-innovations-8-inch-gel-memory-foam-full-mattress/prod21220147?xid=plp_product_2 --> $200

- pet stairs??

- portable closet - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Zimtown-New-Portable-Closet-Large-Storage-Space-Holder-Clothes-Wardrobe-Shoe-Rack-Shelf/901218444 --> $52

- Cheap Dresser (at least a small one for my PJ's, pants, and delicates)

https://www.amazon.com/ODK-Dresser-Drawers-Storage-Organizer/dp/B087T5178D/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3LTWBK3UVET9H&dchild=1&keywords=dressers+for+bedroom&qid=1602707471&s=home-garden&sprefix=Dresser%2Cgarden%2C156&sr=1-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzNDI1TEM2QldaSzhQJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMjkwNDEyMlpOR1VFN1ZHTFo5TSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMDUyODE1RVNFNTZQTFNMU1JMJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==  --> $70

- shoe rack

- shelving - https://www.amazon.com/Mainstay-5-Shelf-Standard-Bookcase-Black/dp/B07K85C724/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3UWFGL92ZQLZQ&dchild=1&keywords=bookshelf&qid=1602708626&s=home-garden&sprefix=books%2Cgarden%2C164&sr=1-3 --> $42

- End tables at (least 2) - https://www.amazon.com/Furinno-11157Gyw-Night-Stand-French/dp/B01NBJMHFK/ref=sxin_9?ascsubtag=amzn1.osa.d52b34f0-cc35-43c3-81dd-d46c2f37d2cd.ATVPDKIKX0DER.en_US&creativeASIN=B01NBJMHFK&cv_ct_cx=end+tables&cv_ct_id=amzn1.osa.d52b34f0-cc35-43c3-81dd-d46c2f37d2cd.ATVPDKIKX0DER.en_US&cv_ct_pg=search&cv_ct_wn=osp-single-source-gl-ranking&dchild=1&keywords=end+tables&linkCode=oas&pd_rd_i=B01NBJMHFK&pd_rd_r=80a90915-f219-42fc-b99c-288a8eb6c8c5&pd_rd_w=QFrC0&pd_rd_wg=jds1q&pf_rd_p=26c7e498-3189-4918-a321-ec25e32964ce&pf_rd_r=B1R9FY9MPB90KWKYKW2W&qid=1602708533&s=home-garden&sr=1-2-d9dc7690-f7e1-44eb-ad06-aebbef559a37&tag=tbonsite-20 --> $60

- Colored christmas lights (pink, purple, blue, or gold?) 

- Night stand https://www.walmart.com/ip/Zimtown-Nightstand-with-2-Drawers-Bedside-Furniture-Accent-End-Table-Chest-for-Home/926860720 --> $30

Bathroom:

- shower curtain - 25 amazon

- floormat

Outside:

- Small Storage shed for boxes and stuff  

- Faerie Alter? 

- Garden box? (mint, thyme, rose?) 

Furniture: $999.... 

Small and Misc Stuff: ALL need to be had.

- dish detergent (before I get the dishwasher)

- Scrubby

- Laundry Detergent

- Dryer sheets

- TACKS TACKS TACKS

- scissors

- Tape

- Handsoap

- Toilet Paper!!!!!!

- Paper Towels

- (Wax melt goes in the kitchen)

- Food. Bulk up on food to start. Fill the pantry. 

Alters:

Aine - Bathroom by the mirror

Maeve - bedroom

Brigid - Kitchen

Lilith? - Bedroom on dresser

Soul - Bedroom on Dresser

Kyuan Yin - Living Room

Native Ancestors - Living Room?

Demeter - living Room? Bedroom?

Cernunnos - Living Room? Bedroom?

Where I hope to be moving:

https://wainrightproperties.com/properties/village-quarters/ --> 475 a month. 

other possibilities:

College Park - although I'll either have neighbors above or below me :(  and I would need to get washer and dryer.  

Rivers Edge - https://www.idealpropertymgmtgroup.com/rivers-edge-east-apts

Portable washer/Dryer (this has great reviews... wash once with soap, once without, spin each half of the load twice to dry)

 - https://www.amazon.com/Giantex-Portable-Compact-Washing-Machine/dp/B01ALBMIEI/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?ie=UTF8&aaxitk=UZjHdTD4hXD16aBe5aZSRQ&hsa_cr_id=3035020030601&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_mcd_asin_0

The bare minimum I need is the pantry ($110), the microwave ($70),  the bed (200), the closet ($52), the dresser ($70), and some night tables ($30 x 2) - oh and the plant kitty litter ($50). 

The living room furniture can wait. For now, I can use boxes and my spare blankets to make a makeshift seat xD and a tub as the coffee table. haha. 

Josh's mom may be able to give me some furniture... 

Hermit

 The Hermit.

I need to Retreat... 

I need to retreat. I want to be alone. I want to enter a cocoon and grow so that I can emerge a stronger woman. I want to be able to embolden those around me and intimidate weak men. I want to be seen for my strength and not just my weakness. 

I want to retreat. I want to be alone. 

I could have grown on my own with a partner.. with the RIGHT partner.. but for now I am alone. I am at peace with this. 

I need to care for myself. Spend time for myself. Do things that I enjoy, alone or with friends, but ultimately for myself. I am not afraid. And I am not alone... 

I have brigid by my side. She who guides me and walks with me all of this life. 

I have maeve at my back, reinforcing my strength, waiting for me to take the next step. 

I have Aine in my heart. She reminds me that this pain is temporary, that I have given so much love to others it is time to turn it to myself. When I am ready, another will enter my life. 

I have Demeter, whom I have not forgotten. May she help me grow the seeds I intend to plant. 

And for now.... I have Lilith. She who I do not yet know, but she who will be the catalyst, the inspiration, and the motivation for my transformation. 

I want to throw myself into my work..

I have work books that I plan to get and go through. 

• - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1674923430/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=emergence333-20&linkId=b940a925c9341564b094e1530a084d40&language=en_US&fbclid=IwAR1r_YmlVuT4GZSCAoUxskFUq5UAmQNUGkKuzFtuszostzFJcMVIIhMOHWU
• - https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Who-You-Are-Transformation/dp/1726635139/ref=pd_sbs_14_1/132-6513599-4394242?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1726635139&pd_rd_r=6d4a27d6-4e70-4998-b6d8-b6d66306970d&pd_rd_w=lJtZ4&pd_rd_wg=umA7o&pf_rd_p=b65ee94e-1282-43fc-a8b1-8bf931f6dfab&pf_rd_r=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2&psc=1&refRID=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2 ^ Might give this to Lexi? Chandler? Invite them over for witchy nights. 
• - https://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Work-Journal-Workbook-Illuminate/dp/1091407843/ref=pd_sbs_14_5/132-6513599-4394242?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1091407843&pd_rd_r=6d4a27d6-4e70-4998-b6d8-b6d66306970d&pd_rd_w=lJtZ4&pd_rd_wg=umA7o&pf_rd_p=b65ee94e-1282-43fc-a8b1-8bf931f6dfab&pf_rd_r=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2&psc=1&refRID=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2

I want to get active again. 

I want to withdraw from the whole of society, just for a time, and emerge a stronger better woman. But this is a change I can only make for myself. I cannot *lean* on others for this. I may invite others to my space as a safe space for healing, but overall this will be a solitary journey - lest a guide manifest to go with me. I will not close off people... but I will not seek them. 

I will go to work 5 days a week. 

I will alternate going to the gym with working in the work books/spiritual growth. 

I will cook and meal prep. 

When school starts, I will factor that into the cycle. 

I am not half of a person... I have not lost a part of myself in this breakup. However I am two halves of a person and its time i bring them together. 

The first step is getting Chandler employed. Then getting me into a place on my own. 

I have gone through the tower, now its time to be the hermit. 

But I can't do that if i'm still living with them. 

Not the one for me... heres why.

Viking Man wasn't the one...Dalton... wasn't the one. 

If you remember, I did a love spell/petitioned a love goddess just before I met Dalton. 

At first glance he seemed to have hit all 5 of my requirements I asked the love goddess for. I received the signs for the "all clear" to date him.  Everything seemed to align. 

But looking at them again... Dalton doesn't fit ANY of the 5 requirements... 

Mandatory traits
1. Nonabusive high emotional intelligence
2. Family oriented
3. Witchy (faerie Witchy preferred - spiritual at the very least)
4. Compatible with emotional needs and lifestyle
5. Relationship geared towards long term autonomous growth

1- he was non abusive... but not with high emotional intelligence. 

2- He HAS a family... a son.. but he himself is not family oriented. 

3- he started out spiritually inclined but gave that up VERY quickly. 

4 - he was not compatible with all of my emotional needs ( a lot of them yes... but some pretty big ones? no) nor was he compatible with my life style. 

5 - this one. This is the ultimate reason we broke up. 

Dalton wasn't the one, but he showed me a more clear vision of what I want. 

I loved how childlike and playful our relationship was. Nothing was ever very serious and he encouraged me to be spiritual.. but he didn't join me. He raised my standards and kept me from going back to jimmie. 

He accomplished what it was he was meant to. But he wasn't the one for me.