do-over

 The date went well I think.

She shared her edibles with me and they took 2 hours to hit,(she gave them to me at the beginning of the movie and they didn't hit till I sat down at the restaurant afterwards)... but when they did. I should not have taken 2. 

I got too high too quickly and had a bad trip, which made communication really hard and we didn't talk that much after the movie. 

but she seemed to understand and I don't think it would prevent a second meet up. 

I declare a do-over!

trying my hand at casual dating????

 Checking in

I'm not dead. 

I'm moving into my new place in a week!

I may or may not have a date/meet up? With a familiar name.... Ash W. Way back in highschool I almost stole her from her bf. We had a flirtationship for a few weeks and whether or not I end up seeing her more often or not... its still nice to have someone to flirt with right now. Pleasant distraction. 

Also notes for myself about "casual dating" as I begin to understand what that means...

1. Communication is key - state your intentions right away... makes sense. 

2. Set boundaries and keep them - this is a way to keep it casual... not seeing them more than ___ many times a week,  etc.... makes sense. 

3. See multiple people -... Idk about this one. especially if things are physical? like... um..

4. "Know your worth" - this one is a means to deal with jealousy I think? I don't get this one tbh. 

5. Keep it off social media - okay yeah i get this one. no point in posting people if its just casual. 

6. Be on the same page (especially about sex) - *ptseradactyl screech*

7. don't chat often - this rule says only reach out when you want to make plans; don't send good morning or good night texts or chat about your day; "thats when it turns into friends with benefits"... ... ... ... huh?

8. Steer clear of anyone from work or school - ... totally. That could get messy. 

9. Check ins - periodically check in to make sure no one is catching feelings - ... this is also one i'm nervous about. 

10. Communication about other partners... the level of info shared is up to you.  - yeah idk how much info I want to share or have shared with me other than if they are not practicing safe sex. 

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a6445/frustrating-things-casual-dating/

here's another one

"Generally speaking, casual dating describes:

- something more defined than “friends with benefits” or hookups
- connections that involve some degree of emotional attachment
- situations that lack relationship labels
- attachments you pursue for fun, not commitment"

well that negates the first article's #7 rule right?

So whats the difference between casually dating someone and casual sex?

 "Unlike FWB and hookup situations, casual dating generally operates with relationship-like parameters, even if they’re loosely defined.

People who are casually dating typically:

- say “dates,” not “hangouts” or “chilling”
- text or call each other fairly regularly
- make firm plans and communicate when you need to cancel
- enjoy spending nonsexual time together

Sure, you might have sex. For many people, that’s part of the fun of casual dating. But you can certainly date without sex."

okay so THIS lines up with how i thought casual dating was... but this completely goes against the first article. 

I like this article much better... it provides more information, more depth to the information provided, and answers more questions. 

https://www.healthline.com/health/casual-dating

okay so in my mind.... there are 3 different "casual" areas/classifications..I think?

- Fuck Buddy/ FB: someone with no emotional attachment, someone you only hook up with and thats it (thats not for me fam)

- Friends with Benefits/ fwb: an actual friendship that can involve physical intimacy of varying levels

- casual dating: light hearted emotional attachment that is romantic in nature but not for a long term or serious commitment.. usually non monogamous. involves varying degrees of emotional and physical intimacy. 

FB = not for me, nah nah nah. 

fwb = Viking Man. maybe: Kasey? Chandler? 

casual dating: ... Ash W? Kasey? 

lord idk. 

is it okay to talk often and send sweet messages? not okay? Its just flirting right?

LAWWWWWD

I just want to be able to find someone I can hang out with flirtatiously, get kisses and active cuddles, but also enjoy hanging out with and bringing them around my friends. Without the expectation of being totally in love and envisioning a future together. 

Poem for Lilith 1

 Lilith, 

Oh goddess of golden light

red and pink surrounds you

tender and wild

personified freedom. 

Lilith, 

I call out to you from this plane,

words never seem to be enough

I wish to be like you,

I yearn for freedom. 

Lilith,

I have felt the stirrings within,

but now I realize my cage.

The anger that comes,

Is that part of freedom?

Lilith, 

Oh goddess of golden light,

I feel the strength you are teaching me,

our journey just begun...

teach me of freedom. 

Lilith,

Red and Pink surrounds you,

Help me shed the chains that down me,

so my magic may rise,

alive with freedom. 

Lilith, 

Feral and Free Mother, 

I thank you for the gifts you bestow,

i know there is more to come, 

growth through freedom. 

Lilith, 

I yet know so little,

there is much still for me to learn

lend me your patience firm mother,

so that I may live in freedom. 

New Apartment Viewing

 So I saw my apartment yesterday. 

it is a LOT better than I was expecting. 

Its newly refurbished... black countertops and appliances INCLUDING A MICROWAVE AND DISHWASHER. Lots of counter space! All dark cabinets, although there is limited cabinet space so a pantry is a must.  

Dark wood flooring everywhere except for the bedroom. The Bedroom is small, but doable. A twin would provide the most space but I refuse to go back to that small of a bed. My boss is giving me his spare full bed and frame, so that is exciting and expenses I don't have to worry about! 

There is a window untit and baseboard heating... but the window unit is HUGE and would have NO trouble cooling down such a small apartment.. plus there are ceiling fans in both living room and the bedroom... add that with a dehumidifier and its going to be easy peasy to keep cool in the summer. Add a humidifier for the winter time. 

I'm going to leave my headboard for Chandler to use or get rid of at her leisure. It's big and bulky, and no longer serves me... especially if I'm going to be getting more bookshelves. 

I've gotten a bed and frame secured. I've got a coffee table secured and at least one little end table. I'm about to have a dresser secured. Madison said something about giving me some external hanging racks for my clothes. 

I think that I will keep Lilith in my bedroom... If I get a night stand with a drawer I can make that My sex drawer/lingerie... and Honestly.. I feel like if I put my most used toys on her alter then when I use them it would be done as an offering to her? Maybe I can get a small red chest and keep that on the top of the dresser?

Also for the living room....

I think I want to have a display case for all my masks. I think perhaps i will dedicate a mask to each deity too...Leave it on their altar. (This is dual purposed...1 - if I want to embody that deity I can put on the mask that will hopefully take on their energy...and 2 - should also reduce the number of masks I have to fit on the display case)

I'll have my altars on a big bookshelf... Demeter and Cernunnos are on one shelf. Maeve on one shelf. Aine on one shelf. Ancestors on one shelf.Brigid in the Kitchen. I think Kuan Yin will have a place next to the ancestors. Bast and Thoth I think I will put on top of the small bookshelf. I'll Move all my Jars and stuff to the kitchen, and see if I can fit the books that were on the headboard on that shelf? Might need to reduce my books a bit. 

Might not have to get some shelving for a pantry... I re-looked over the cabinet space and there's a section I could use as a pantry. Maybe. Its kind of small and I will have to climb on the counter to get it. 

I'll hang the Bast Tapestry on the wall in the kitchen. Then hang my fan over the couch With a standing Lamp that uses a magenta LED light? Put the Astrology tapestry behind the TV.  Have the movie displays beside the TV and then in the Corner have the cat litter plant?

Things still need to get:

Furniture:

- bedroom night stand --> Pick up next week (free)

- Plant Catlitter box --> Amazon $50

- dresser --> picking up tomorrow $50

- Display case for masks --> $85

- 2 DVD things from amazon ---> not a priority. $15 each

- Large bookshelf --> Walmart or Sam's Club $50

- Shoe Rack by the front door to hold all of my shoes (need to go through my shoes)

- Desk? Maybe?

-Curtains - Amazon $30

- Outside storage container - $150

- Small Stone Table/Birdbath for faerie altar outside? 

- Garden Box?as a faerie altar?

Household Items

- Welcome Mat - Amazon : Speak friend and enter

- Laundry Detergent and dryer sheets 

- Pink Weighted Blanket

- Hand Soaps

- bathroom mat (in tub and out)

- Shower Curtain (waterproof cloth one) 

- Silverware and Knife set 

- Cooking Spoons and Spatulas 

- Wine opener

- dishwasher pods - need right away

- TACKS!! - need right away

- Scissors! - need right away

- Paper Towels - need right away

- Toilet Paper - need right away

-  water filter pitcher - need right away

- cleaning supplies (windex, bathroom cleaner, broom)

- tub stopper if I want a bath

- electric kettle

- Pan Holders/Oven Mitts 

hungry

 I'm getting hungry.

Not physically hungry, although that's something that should worry me.. 

energetically hungry. 

Its been just over 2 weeks since the breakup and I don't have an energy source to feed from now. I don't want sex itself... I want the energy it brings. I want to feed (as cringe as that sounds). 

The idea of feeding on a stranger makes me cringe because

1) we are in a pandemic and I can't go around kissing strangers

2) I... don't want to kiss a stranger. 

3) Its not easy finding a vibe I actually enjoy enough to want to feed on it. 

Struggles of an energy vamp. 

Lilith

 Lilith

Okay so. I hadn't blogged about this because I wanted to be sure. 

So towards the end of my 7 week focus with brigid, she indicated that my next step was to embrace the wild/feral part of myself that I have under lock and key. Whenever I would ask for details about it I got cards about sexual freedom and deep spiritual change. What was holding me back? The devil tarot card.... attachment. 

I couldn't move forward because I was happy in my relationship. I was okay with putting it to the side. She was not. 

There was also the issue of who she said would guide me through my next spiritual cycle... Lilith.  I do not know what to do with freedom, to an extent it scares me. There was so much about what was hinted would unfold with her that I was intimidated.

 1) There are super heavy sex associations and it had been made clear to me that I was suppose to take on almost a "man-eater" persona. That scared me. 

2) Many people consider her a closed practice, (from her jewish associations) and I didnt want to cross any cultural lines. 

3) Solitude and Shadow Work. Real deep devoted shadow work. 

1) I am no longer in that relationship (*cries*) but I am thoroughly confused and doubtful about  the sex part. Being ace I don't really see the point of having sex outside of a relationship. however Lilith has pretty much said that its not something I'm going to just jump into aor be thrown in. Last night I talked to her about it. She told me my first step was to learn myself, and not to focus on the sexual aspects for now. (cross that bridge when we get there). But... last night she sent me a dream, to kind of show me the situations that could lead to casual sex while also not being scary or intimidating. She showed me how it could happen organically. It was reassuring.

2) I received explicit permission through a very intense card reading and spiritual messages. The key factor being, I could reach out to her... but she might not have reached back out. Well... she did. I was surprised with how clear she came through too... and she willingly spoke to me through my cards as well. 

3) This isn't going to be a fast process. I don't have to have all the answers. But she's willing to help me. The first step of freedom is getting to know myself again... gain a direction I really want to go into in life. My time of being a kid in her home town is going to end soon. I need to figure out where I want to fly to when I leave the nest. Step 1: self discovery and being okay with being alone. (while I am totally fine with being alone and the idea of being single for a while, I do struggle with loneliness. This will give me a refresher course on being alone seing as I han't been single long term in 3 years.)

(on another note Lilith doesn't feel anything like what I was expecting. I was expecting cold and controlled like Maeve... but she's not. Shes VASTLY approachable. she's almost like if Maeve and Aine combined.)

I see her as an iridescent silver snake. I have had that image in my mind since i decided I would start to work with her. Lo and behold... when I opened the package that held the Lilith book... there was a silver snake with the pink lotus flower as her imagery. This feels right.

Shes not my patron by any means, but she is for sure my teacher and the teacher I need at this time in my life.  

Lilith guide me. Like a snake let me shed the skin of who I was and emerge a new being. Stronger, kinder, more impassioned, and more sure of who and what she is. May I emerge fresh and with purpose. 

Making Moves. Once Again.

 I have put down the application for the place i'm trying to move. 

If I get approved then I will be close enough to walk to work on nice days. 

Looking at some official numbers

1500

-------------

- 475 rent

- 270 car payment and insurance 

- 50 phone

-100 student loans (might be able to finagle?) 

-60 credit card 

-30 cats

-30 gas

- 65 health ins

- 70 utilities (i do laundry once every 2 weeks.. hardly ever turn on lights) 

- 40 internet --> Suddenlink

- 100 savings

- 15 gym --> this is detrimental to my health. 

- 100 (misc. household, clothes, etc)

-----------------------------

95 for food a month. 

Deplete savings at move in. 

Pay off credit card and reimburse savings with financial aid in January. 

Put groceries on credit card and try to pay at least $75 a month on it. 

- FOOD BANKS

- MUST apply for EBT... I really do think I just barley qualify... even if its like $50 it would really help me a lot.