Monday, March 15, 2021

Ticker

 hey, so update on life. 


I'm doing good in school so far. 

My car has been behaving and not having issues. 

Oh and I went to the ER because I was having symptoms of a heart attack. 

Of course by the time they actually got me back there to run tests almost all of my symptoms were done. My blood pressure plummeted and the nurses did nothing even after I called for help - about twenty minutes later I was moments from passing out when Amy's nurse instincts sprang into action and she modified the bed to sit me up and then physically brought a nurse into the room. The nurse put my IV in crooked. 

At least the doctor believed me when I said it wasn't a panic attack. He agrees I need to see a cardiologist and get a monitor. Amy says I need to mention that I have episodes of hypotension - periods when I think my blood sugar is low might actually be low blood pressure instead. 
Aaron thinks I had a blood clot, and it just worked its way through by the time I actually could get help. 

So that was an eventful weekend. I was in the negatives on energy the entire next day and even today I still feel super tired and like I'm running on E. 

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Priorities

 YA GIRL IS GETTING THE COVID VACCINE ON SATURDAYYYYYYYYY.


Also, i love how easy it is to have a conversation with lilith when i'm not losing my head emotionally. Once I calm the fuck down she really is quick to talk with me and help me assess the situation.

There is love. 
There is sex. 
There is spirituality. 

I have a choice 
to pick new love and spirituality
or familiarity, sex, and spiritiuality. 

currently ive decided on the later, because as lonely as I am, I need to learn who I am when I am not lost in love. Besides, sex has so many benefits health wise. 

love means emotional satisfaction, and scary new experiences, and WAITING and searching. 
current situation means mood regulation, stress reduction, familiarity, and safety.

i just have to make sure that i don't ignore the chance for new love while I wait in option two. 

No matter what I choose, my spiritual growth won't be stunted - and honestly at that point that's my primary concern.  Spiritual and self growth. 
Falling in love can take a back seat right now. 

Monday, March 1, 2021

Manifesting

 I was sitting at the table, utterly oblivious to the eyes that had followed me since I entered the bar. The band playing was one I had seen before, your standard couple duo - a gentleman on the guitar and her girlfriend singing into the microphone and stomping her cowgirl boot to the rhythm. They were decent to listen to, made for excellent background music or a good distraction when there was no one to talk to. This was the later - the friend I had come out to meet up with was busy talking to other people, his puppy wandering around the outdoor patio looking for scraps and giving her paw as an offering. I called out to her, feeling a tad lonely in the midst of a fairly busy night, and she happily trotted over. I hoped down from my high chair and offered a french fry in exchange for kisses and affection. Thats when she approached. 

"Cute dog! Whats her name?" Came a voice, there was an accent I couldn't place - or rather almost a lack of accent. 
"Brightness!" I said, looking up to meet the eyes of a beautiful woman. She had colored hair, long and wavy underneath a reverse ball cap, her eyes lined with black and a neutral color on her lips. She wore a band tee and ripped jeans, her knees poking out as she knelt down to pet the puppy with me. Something about her was familiar, like I had seen her somewhere before. 
"She yours?" she asked, giving a warm smile and meeting my eyes. 
"uh... no. But i'm basically like her godmother." I quickly looked back to the happy puppy, almost the same size as me despite being less than a year old. I could feel my cheeks warming under her gaze as I offered Brightness more affection.
"Brightness! Kisses?" I cooed, as she went through her array of tricks for yet another french fry.  But, adhd as ever, a new patron entered the patio and she dashed off to greet him. I must have pouted a little as the young woman laughed at me. 
"I'm not as cute as her, but I can give you kisses." My eyes jumped up to hers and I rose quickly, blatantly blushing. 
"that was smooth." I said , offering my hand, "I'm Lisa."
"Nice to meet you again." She flashed me another smile, sharing my hand and then ever so quickly turning it and bringing it to her lips.  Bewildered, I just stared at her in awe - was this actually happening? 

By then, noticing another body had appeared at the table, my friend turned his attention towards us. dropping my hand down, she trailed hers across my back as she moved behind me towards the table and into the chair next to me. 
"Whats up dude?" she offered as a greeting. "Got yourself a pretty girl." There was a slight edge to her voice, not aggressive but assertive. 
"She was just getting to meet Brightness," I interjected, knowing that he often became aggressive if he felt like a stranger was challenging him. Somehow, I felt that she wouldn't have cared either way, as her hand was still at the small of my back. My exposed skin tingled under her fingers.  
"oh! yeah. She's gorgeous" he said, having had a few beers in, he was in a more mild tempter and thus took the comment for his puppy with pride and turned back to his previous conversation.  Before i could say anything else, a server approached with my drink and another round of french fries. 
"want some?" I offered, and grinning, she moved towards the plate. 
"Don't mind if i do."

****

I got back into my car, grinning ear to ear. A girl had never blatantly flirted with me like that, much less when I was with him. I looked at my phone excitedly, although I felt foolish, why would she text me back so quickly after only just meeting. She had texted herself from my phone while we spoke at the bar, and I knew it would probably be tomorrow at the earliest that she would remember it. I couldn't control my excitement when the phone buzzed, her name appearing with the song recommendation she told me to listen to on my way home. I pulled it up in my youtube app and sent her a screenshot. Shaking my head in disbelief, I plugged in my phone, turned down the dark road, and headed home. 

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Bright

This light is an assault, 
the warmth of the cave gone, 
A new world surrounds, wind biting into flesh and bone, yet the pain is tolerable. 
.
All around is bright.
- Eyes, in reflex, are all but forced shut-
like sunlight reflected off  snow as far as the eye can see. 
.
Startling and strange, 
coming from the dark cave 
whos blackness embraces, warm and sensual, mysterious and full of wonder. 
.
The security has been shed, 
now like a bird flapping its wings for the first time, leaving the nest
falling,      flying,      into what it is that life has in store - the hard ground or the heavens? 
.
No longer is there shelter overhead, 
the bright sky and white desert of light
there is no more answers in the brightness of day, blinding, than in the comfort of the dark. 
.
One step forward, 
neck aching to look back, but eyes pulled to the front,
eagerly devouring every sight, tasting moving air on tongue, arms outstretched in waiting.  
.
The crunch of ice beneath foot, 
the sting of icey air in wet warm lung, contrast that invigorates;
out of the egg and into the world, fear and wonder are one and the same. 
.

Saturday, February 20, 2021

direction

 I finally got direction for my life. More to come. 

Monday, February 8, 2021

self help homework

 Homework. 

So I need to get myself out of this rut. 
I really need to stop dwelling on how lonely I am. 
Its a loneliness that isn't satiated by platonic relationships but at the same time my problem is I don't know how to be happy single. Even when I finally hit a place where i was more or less comfortable with being single, i kept my eyes and heart open. It took over a year for me to finally let go of the loneliness - and it was more or less that I grew accustomed to it rather than it went away. 

Soi need to do some homework. 
I need to do some reading for improving myself, something to do while I sit on the couch other than watch greys anatomy. 

short and inspirational:
https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Being-Single-Fulfilled-ebook/dp/B00SEXD49O

Self development 
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Who-You-Are-Transformation/dp/1726635139/ref=pd_vtp_1?pd_rd_w=IAYwh&pf_rd_p=6f2e6f76-fb8a-492e-b0f6-a03aecd27de3&pf_rd_r=GZSZQE86R7BBQW3AAP0E&pd_rd_r=12f1d6bf-adf4-4d71-be6f-7d96287210af&pd_rd_wg=97i2C&pd_rd_i=1726635139&psc=1

Lilith shadow work?
https://www.amazon.com/Lilith-Shadow-Work-Journal-contemplations/dp/1674923430

Saturday, January 30, 2021

Amusement park

 Well I went with Viking boy to Busch gardens...


And the rides weren’t open because it was too cold. 


The whole point of the trip was to go for the rides. 

At least they gave us a free ticket back. 

And even though we didn’t get to ride any roller coasters... it was still a pleasant trip. 


I don’t regret going. But it didn’t do anything to ease the stress.