Summer solstice Message.

 "Listen to me, this is very important. Not all things, even if they are good, are meant to last. It is okay to mourn their ending, it is okay to be sad. Cry and scream all you need, I am here for you. I know that taking a lover is not easy for you, so losing one can seem terrifying and like a sentence to solitude. Do not become hopeless. That is my fear, do not resign yourself to despair. I know that your desire for touch stems from emotional need, not physical, and while I cannot stand in for a lover, if the loneliness ever gets too much and you need to feel lips upon your own and a tender embrace, then come to me. I will not deny you comfort, take comfort in me until you once again find one who is suited to be your love. You will be fine. "

- Do not become hopeless --> Aine/Host of friends/Svn's fear. 

-  I will not deny you comfort --> platonic cuddling and kissing? Ellis maybe?

I think this message came from Aine, but I am not sure. It came from the character that is the mouthpiece for the fae in my trances. Aine is a faerie Queen and I've been feeling a pull to her. Yesterday was the summer solstice, her holiday, so it would make sense. 

While my friends with benefits situation with Viking Man is coming to a close... I had grown sorrowful. Losing him on top of losing Aaron (who leaves for New Orleans in about a week) just seemed too much. I consulted the mermaid cards (Aine's deck....) for a reading on future love so that I would not become hopeless.. and to my immense surprise, they actually told me about my next big love. Beforehand, it has always been "take time for yourself" "focus on yourself" "you need time out of a relationship"... which only made me want to cling to Viking Man even harder because that didn't bode well for finding love. 

It reads like a long period of solitude and singledom. 

This time, they said after I move to Wilmington, and I begin to focus on a new area of spirituality (sea witchcraft and working more with mermaids) a new and important love will find me. This person, a woman!, would be more than okay with establishing a divine connection through sensuality and be willing to work with my trauma (would not turn away at my being unable to do anything below the waist, either at all or would be patient with me until I am able to). The card was divine sensuality, making love, and erotica and yet the card itself told me that it wasn't talking about sex - specifically this person would return sacred sensuality back into my life. It's something I have been missing for a long time, even before Viking man. 

So while I am still intensely sad about my time with Viking Man coming to an end... I have cried many tears and will cry many more.. I am not hopeless. 

2 dreams + interpretation

 Check in - i'm not dead, i'm just lost. When I figure out where my life is going I'll blog more, I promise. 

I had 2 interesting dreams last night/this morning. 

The first - I moved to a coastal town and it was my first weekend there. My mom had just flown back to WI after coming and helping me unpack and settle in. My friend Nathan came down to see me because he knew some folks that he wanted to introduce to me. We stopped by a coffee shop and the cute barista was talking with us and when we told her I was new she started making recommendations about shops or places to check out. We carried on a conversation, it came up that all of us are poets so she let me read a poem about her first love (a young woman who was not sapphic, but was her best friend. Their journey of unrequited love through childhood and adolescence. Then the house fire that disfigured her love but didn't shake off the barista. The sadness when she moved away.) 

We left the coffee shop with having invited her out with us to go drinking that night, and explored some local shops along the boardwalk.  Afterward we met up with my friend ariel for dinner (in a restaurant that reminded me of plumb tree but better. i inquired if they needed a bartender/shift supervisor). Then we left to go to an irish pub to meet up with the barista and I woke up. 

it was very pleasant. Her poetry moved me, her drawing was beautiful. 

Deam 2 was not really linear but it had a lot of symbolism in it. 

Wave Pool - controllable tidal wave that I was enjoying rather than drowning in like everyone else, it carried me up and I stayed up and didn't struggle - To see a tidal wave in your dream represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits. If you are carried away by the tidal wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place.

Killer whale - To see a killer whale in your dream indicates that you need to be more social or more vocal about something. Step up and speak up. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes spiritual guidance. You are ready to explore your emotions, but you need to make the connection between the conscious and subconscious aspects of yourself.

** 2 killer whales swimming and jumping about with the group

Sharks - To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. 

** I saw 2 sharks following me and then swimming past me. 

wisconsin

 okay so heres a life update...

I visited my mom in wisconsin. LOVED IT. I loved being so close to her, the weather was *perfect* (although apparently its not that perfect so many days in a row). My mom works in one of the cities I was open to living in... and I loved it. I liked the atmosphere, the people were friendly, there were shops and the downtown area was charming. I would have to look for nature parks, but Wisconsin is big on outdoors. 

despite all this... I am still feeling Cleveland. So i'll be visiting cleveland later this year to really compare. 

however... I met someone there. Someone who I have known from a few years ago. Someone I had a crush on but I was seeing someone and they were seeing my best friend, so i never acknowledged it at all (especially cuz i thought i would be marrying my boyfriend). When they split with my best friend I thought I would NEVER see them again, like ever. So when i would talk to my friends about my "type" i really was just describing this person, as like the star example. 

well. Somehow the world is smaller than i realized and they happened to be in wisonsin and met up with me and my mom for lunch. Honestly.. the spark is still there, if not it was stronger cuz i'm single and they are no longer my with my best friend. However... still my best friend's ex. So that kept me from saying anything. But wow. 

It was still amazing to see them though.. if you remove my crush from the equation, i still got to see someone i used to be good friends with who i didn't think I would ever see again. It also means that when I move up there (still thinking Cleveland) I will have a friend that I can hang out with whenever I take trips to milwaukee. It makes me feel better about moving up north. 

Direction

 okay so... 

I did a big reading to get guidance now that I seem to have lost my sense of purpose. Brandi at work says i'm having a quarter of life crisis and I don't think the statement is inaccurate. 

The reading pretty much said that I needed to focus on myself, with 2 primary goals:

1) Heal from Viking man

2) focus on spirituality  - emphasis on dream walking and world walking, as well as reconnecting with nature and source. 

I can say that I have definitely been more sensitive to presences lately, and I'm noticing a change in my dreams and ability to manipulate dreams. I'm not at a point where it's full lucid dreaming, but I feel like I'm not far from it. I need to start doing guided meditations for myself to better develop the world walking skill. 

Maybe in a few months I'll feel comfortable enough to take the Irish shamanism classes. 

Its not so much a physical goal, the way school was, but the gods and faerie folk have told me my new direction is inward and my goal is... myself?

Graduate.

In a matter of days I will be a Masters Degree Graduate. 

Unexpectedly... that has caused a sort of identity crisis. 

I have been in school all of my life. If we want to ignore everything prior to highschool, thats from 2010-2021. Over a decade. For over a decade my only real attainable goals and motivations have been school. Pass this test. Pass this Class. Graduate High School. Graduate College. Graduate Graduate School. 

Now?

Nothing. I do not have any immediate goals. I have no sense of purpose. Nothing to motivate me to do anything. For over a decade I have been a student... now what am I? I feel so disconnected to myself that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror... I just see Racheal's face. 

I know that I could devote myself to hobbies or passions.. Maybe take up volunteering? Get back into reading. Maybe see about how my boss feels about me listening to podcasts while at work so that I don't go stir crazy. Maybe sneak a book to work?  I would take up art but what's the point? I would just be throwing them away.  I should get back into writing. Could set up a little nook on my back patio if I wasn't worried about things getting stolen, sit out there in the mornings with coffee and try writing. I should start a garden. 

I also suddenly have the urge to rearrange my whole apartment. Actually go through and put up all my laundry so that I know what can actually fit where. See about condensing my clothes so that I can maybe get rid of my neon dresser. Donate some books, so I can move all my candles and things into the living room onto the smaller dresser. This would create more space in my bedroom where I could move the cat stuff. If the cat litter were in my bedroom it would help motivate me to clean it more often and vacuum up the spread out litter. 

Then by moving the cat section of the living room to my bedroom, I make more space for entertaining people. The smell will automatically be better so I will be less self conscious about that and I will have more space for dancing. I can get some seating/storage for guests. 

However I also feel like I'm heading into a manic phase (i;ve been depressed the past few days) so I need to be careful because I'm itching to spend a lot of money. On the couch. On a large cat tree. On books. On games so that I can have game nights again. I have the urge to go through all my clothes and condense them.... and then go to goodwill and get more to diversify my wardrobe. 

I can at least use this mania as a way to super clean my apartment. Once I move the cat stuff to my room, I can mop the whole livingroom and kitchen area, and vacuum the rug. 

Bare minimum today I can go through my clothes,  do the cat litter, and dishes. Maybe go through the books and transfer stuff around on shelving. 

I need a sense of purpose or I am going to go crazy.

Landscape (poem)

When I stand naked, bare, in front of the mirror

I feel as if I am looking upon an alien form. 

I do not recognize the home my soul has taken;

A Landscape of pale olive blandness, 

a desert of skin over meat and bone. 

I look upon soft flesh, damp from southerner humidity,

full, small breasts hang unevenly like overly ripe apples, 

or pears softened in the summer sun. 

I stare in disappointment, but can't help but find pleasure

in the small pink dogwood buds that sit on the edges. 

My swollen belly protrudes farther than my comfort, 

yet the jiggle reminds me of watching

plump squirrels as they lounge lazily on the magnolia branch. 

I cup my hands around my navel, as I would to gather soil

in the garden to plant a new seed, new life. 

I want to turn away from the form before me,

but my eyes follow the curves and bends

as if caught in the current of a mountain stream. 

I stood in awe watching the water once, 

now that sense of gratitude floods my senses.  

My legs, marked like that of tree bark, 

roots shooting from my hips, down my thighs -   

The curvature of my form, the humid cave

covered by soft and supple moss,

the hair on my body as natural as the grass in the earth. 

When I stand naked, bare, in front of the mirror

I feel as if I am looking upon an alien form. 

While I do not recognize the home my soul has taken,

I see a form made up of natural beauty, wonder, 

born to the south, I have made my home in the landscape. 

Ticker

 hey, so update on life. 

I'm doing good in school so far. 

My car has been behaving and not having issues. 

Oh and I went to the ER because I was having symptoms of a heart attack. 

Of course by the time they actually got me back there to run tests almost all of my symptoms were done. My blood pressure plummeted and the nurses did nothing even after I called for help - about twenty minutes later I was moments from passing out when Amy's nurse instincts sprang into action and she modified the bed to sit me up and then physically brought a nurse into the room. The nurse put my IV in crooked. 

At least the doctor believed me when I said it wasn't a panic attack. He agrees I need to see a cardiologist and get a monitor. Amy says I need to mention that I have episodes of hypotension - periods when I think my blood sugar is low might actually be low blood pressure instead. 

Aaron thinks I had a blood clot, and it just worked its way through by the time I actually could get help. 

So that was an eventful weekend. I was in the negatives on energy the entire next day and even today I still feel super tired and like I'm running on E.