Raleigh temptation

 I REALLY don't want to move to raleigh... 

but food for thought. 

They provide full benefits and multiple pay raises. PTO, awards and incentives when complemented. 37.5 hours a week. 

Jesus its a good gig. 

https://jobs.jobvite.com/buildersmutual/job/oYEhgfwT

and it looks like it starts anywhere from 45-50K a year. 

That HELLA tempting. 

Burlesque Debut

 AYYYYYYYYY

GUESS WHO IS OFFICIALLY GONNA MAKE THEIR DEBUT AS A BURLESQUE DANCER FOR ELLIS'S QUEER PERFORMANCE GROUP!!!!!!

THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!!!

I will be Underground Present's first burlesque baby and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!

I plan to dance to "she calls me daddy"; It will be a simple look; dark overcoat (omg I need to get my purple coat from Brad, if he still has that i won't need to buy a new one), silver slip, black thigh highs (i'll use the ones I already have but just put them inside out so the red bow doesn't show, black gloves, purple lingerie, and black cheeky lace undies I will need to find. White fan prop! 

Outfit Cost: Black gloves, Slip, Lingerie, (underwear $6?) , FAN = $55

Not only that, but before even making my debut I've already been booked for a second show in September. That's 2 shows and 3 (maybe 4?) dance numbers! 

For my first I will simply be dancing to a single song, but the second performance I'm going to mix in a few things I've seen done by drag queens.

I'm gonna make song mixes. 

The September show theme is animals. 

So I will be doing a Marie from Aristocats number, starting with scales and arpeggios song where i'll just kind of be cute and innocent, dancing and interacting with the crowd, then the dialogue of marie saying "Ladies don't start fights, but we can finish them", then it will switch over to Little Girl by Cady Groves, and that's when I'll start taking off the costume. For Marie I won't be taking much off, robe, gloves?, white skirt, slip, and underbust corset.  I will remain in my teddy bear lingerie and white undies the whole time. 

Outfit Cost: : Already bought most of it. Slip and white thigh highs = 27$

*check glove prices at party city

The second number for that show will be a peacock. I plan to have a belly dancer top and belt underneath a corset and skirt, gloves, high heels, and use a big fan. I will enter the room to the sound of snow white singing to the birds and them singing back, then it will shift into Bird Song by Juniper Veil for most of it where I will dance with the fan, and then its gonna burst into peacock by Katy Perry and that's when I do most of the shedding of clothes. Probably go down to pasties. 

Outfit Cost: corset/skirt, belly dancer outfit, FAN, = 78$

Cut cost: 

compare price of gloves at amazon vs party city. See if they have a belly dance outfit? It's a long shot. See what party city has that could be used for peacock and compare price to amazon?

IF the Animal show requires a third act:

If I have to crank out a third number I want to do a snake. I'm thinking something kind of belly dance-esque, minimal clothes shedding. I'm thinking Large temporary tattoo to be put on my belly and back? Outfit: tube top, snake stockings, body jewelry top ,belly dancer's belt for jingles, the tie around sheer skirt under that, and a snake print cardigan. I would first shed the cardigan, shed the tie on the sheer skirt, Slip off the body jewelry, untie the jingle skirt, and be left in just the tube top, stockings, and snake print undies by the end of it. I would do this to Serenity by Godsmack. Maybe look into gold isis wings as prop?

Outfit Cost: $68

ways to cut cost: look in the mall for snakeskin undies that are cheaper than 11.50. Check party city for belly dance belt? Maybe see if I can borrow one from someone. 

Despite the high cost of everything... I can reuse a lot of it for other numbers. 

July update

 Monthly update:

• I am alive lol
• I lost my rent money (lost money order) and am stressing until i get it refunded. Pray for me. I can't afford to just lose 500$. 
• I did a cord cutting with Viking Man; we are still friends and I still have lots of love for him, but I am not in love with him anymore. I do not feel as strong of an attachment; if he wants to sleep with other people it won't hurt so bad now. 
• Aaron moved to New Orleans. 
• I have really grown close with new friends I met through the D&D Game; Ellis and Cyrus. 
• I have choreographed my debut dance number for Underground presents (the queer performance group Ellis runs). I will be debuting as a burlesque dancer with the stage name "Ace of Hearts". 
• We have a drag show tomorrow, I am a tip kitten, that's Disney themed and I am super excited. I'm being Marie from Aristocats. 

honestly I have kind of forgotten what it feels like to be surrounded by a overtly queer community... how safe and light it feels even when discussing heavier, darker matters. It's just relaxed, loving, and supportive. I feel really lucky to have met them.

• Still Planning to move after December but its looking like for sure wilmington. I still really want to go to Cleveland but I think I have to wait a few years until I pay off my car. I might fly up there over the next few years to check it out... but after Wilmington it will either be Cleveland or Florida. As is, I look forward to Wilmington a lot. 

I think I may give up the 9-5 business life. While having steady pay is nice, I am going stir crazy. I miss having freedom during the day, I miss the excitement and hustle of bartending. I may transition back to being a bartender/server when I move to wilmington... it's the right city for it. Tourism keeps it booming in the summer, the students keep it booming the rest of the year. I may be a full time bartender and then offer readings on the side through one of the witchy shops. Or I may jump on the fast food train and become a manager of a fast food chain like cookout. 

Or I will stay with the steady 9-5 M-F so I can at least keep my weekends... be like a receptionist at a doctors office or something.  Steady and reliable pay. Safe. And who knows maybe I'll find a place that keeps me occupied or will let me read when it's slow. 

I will need to make $16 an hour at 40 hours to be comfortable. Or roughly 640 a week through various means. 

• I am cat sitting for Cara; her cat has injured mine and thankfully i was able to get the infection to drain so no expensive emergency vet bill. He constantly bullies Smokey for his food. Randomly attacks and chases Humu. His behavior improved  after she came to visit him (something I had to ask her to do) and he more or less got along with my boys. He is attacking them again and I got into an argument with her about her needing to visit him again. Even if its just for 10 minutes - and preferably when I am not home. 

 Why when I'm not home? Because during her last visit, while eating the food I made for their lunch she proceeded to say that I am unstable and only one step away from killing someone, therefore I should never be allowed to have a gun. 

She said this because when I was a fucking TEENAGER with RAGING HORMONES I actually wrote in my blog about wanting to kill her. EVERY teenager experiences a rise in aggression... mine just happened to be backed by bipolar. This was before I got stable on my medication. I was a KID. Does she take into account the almost decade of stability I've had? The clearance from therapy? The coping mechanisms I have now for my anger that I didn't have before? No. 

Do I still have violent thoughts? Yes. Am I tempted to act on them? 99% no. When I am tempted all I have to do is walk away - its that simple. I was tempted to slap the shit out her when she said this to me but I didn't. I was tempted to put her cat in her arms and kick her out right then and there. but I didn't. 

Because I'm a fucking stable adult. 

but no. 

To her I will remain as unstable as I was when I was a fucking kid just starting treatment for an unchecked mental illness. 

So yeah. After she moves into her new apartment and takes her asshole of a cat back, I'm done. No more favors. No more feeding her. No more walking her through things that require a simple google search that she apparently doesn't know how to  use. I'm done. 

I don't need that in my life. 

•  So yeah. Final Update: all but cutting off/out my toxic little sister who can't seem to admit she has a drinking problem, and in fact blatantly brags about not having one despite having two parents who are an addict. Apparently spending rent money so you can binge drink and party isn't a drinking problem. Ok sure. but you know what? Not my problem to worry about. not anymore. She can lie in the bed that her skewed priorities makes, and I will no longer be available to help her out of it. 

After all, I wouldn't want her to fear for her life anytime she's near me. 

Summer solstice Message.

 "Listen to me, this is very important. Not all things, even if they are good, are meant to last. It is okay to mourn their ending, it is okay to be sad. Cry and scream all you need, I am here for you. I know that taking a lover is not easy for you, so losing one can seem terrifying and like a sentence to solitude. Do not become hopeless. That is my fear, do not resign yourself to despair. I know that your desire for touch stems from emotional need, not physical, and while I cannot stand in for a lover, if the loneliness ever gets too much and you need to feel lips upon your own and a tender embrace, then come to me. I will not deny you comfort, take comfort in me until you once again find one who is suited to be your love. You will be fine. "

- Do not become hopeless --> Aine/Host of friends/Svn's fear. 

-  I will not deny you comfort --> platonic cuddling and kissing? Ellis maybe?

I think this message came from Aine, but I am not sure. It came from the character that is the mouthpiece for the fae in my trances. Aine is a faerie Queen and I've been feeling a pull to her. Yesterday was the summer solstice, her holiday, so it would make sense. 

While my friends with benefits situation with Viking Man is coming to a close... I had grown sorrowful. Losing him on top of losing Aaron (who leaves for New Orleans in about a week) just seemed too much. I consulted the mermaid cards (Aine's deck....) for a reading on future love so that I would not become hopeless.. and to my immense surprise, they actually told me about my next big love. Beforehand, it has always been "take time for yourself" "focus on yourself" "you need time out of a relationship"... which only made me want to cling to Viking Man even harder because that didn't bode well for finding love. 

It reads like a long period of solitude and singledom. 

This time, they said after I move to Wilmington, and I begin to focus on a new area of spirituality (sea witchcraft and working more with mermaids) a new and important love will find me. This person, a woman!, would be more than okay with establishing a divine connection through sensuality and be willing to work with my trauma (would not turn away at my being unable to do anything below the waist, either at all or would be patient with me until I am able to). The card was divine sensuality, making love, and erotica and yet the card itself told me that it wasn't talking about sex - specifically this person would return sacred sensuality back into my life. It's something I have been missing for a long time, even before Viking man. 

So while I am still intensely sad about my time with Viking Man coming to an end... I have cried many tears and will cry many more.. I am not hopeless. 

2 dreams + interpretation

 Check in - i'm not dead, i'm just lost. When I figure out where my life is going I'll blog more, I promise. 

I had 2 interesting dreams last night/this morning. 

The first - I moved to a coastal town and it was my first weekend there. My mom had just flown back to WI after coming and helping me unpack and settle in. My friend Nathan came down to see me because he knew some folks that he wanted to introduce to me. We stopped by a coffee shop and the cute barista was talking with us and when we told her I was new she started making recommendations about shops or places to check out. We carried on a conversation, it came up that all of us are poets so she let me read a poem about her first love (a young woman who was not sapphic, but was her best friend. Their journey of unrequited love through childhood and adolescence. Then the house fire that disfigured her love but didn't shake off the barista. The sadness when she moved away.) 

We left the coffee shop with having invited her out with us to go drinking that night, and explored some local shops along the boardwalk.  Afterward we met up with my friend ariel for dinner (in a restaurant that reminded me of plumb tree but better. i inquired if they needed a bartender/shift supervisor). Then we left to go to an irish pub to meet up with the barista and I woke up. 

it was very pleasant. Her poetry moved me, her drawing was beautiful. 

Deam 2 was not really linear but it had a lot of symbolism in it. 

Wave Pool - controllable tidal wave that I was enjoying rather than drowning in like everyone else, it carried me up and I stayed up and didn't struggle - To see a tidal wave in your dream represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old habits. If you are carried away by the tidal wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place.

Killer whale - To see a killer whale in your dream indicates that you need to be more social or more vocal about something. Step up and speak up. Alternatively, the dream symbolizes spiritual guidance. You are ready to explore your emotions, but you need to make the connection between the conscious and subconscious aspects of yourself.

** 2 killer whales swimming and jumping about with the group

Sharks - To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. 

** I saw 2 sharks following me and then swimming past me. 

wisconsin

 okay so heres a life update...

I visited my mom in wisconsin. LOVED IT. I loved being so close to her, the weather was *perfect* (although apparently its not that perfect so many days in a row). My mom works in one of the cities I was open to living in... and I loved it. I liked the atmosphere, the people were friendly, there were shops and the downtown area was charming. I would have to look for nature parks, but Wisconsin is big on outdoors. 

despite all this... I am still feeling Cleveland. So i'll be visiting cleveland later this year to really compare. 

however... I met someone there. Someone who I have known from a few years ago. Someone I had a crush on but I was seeing someone and they were seeing my best friend, so i never acknowledged it at all (especially cuz i thought i would be marrying my boyfriend). When they split with my best friend I thought I would NEVER see them again, like ever. So when i would talk to my friends about my "type" i really was just describing this person, as like the star example. 

well. Somehow the world is smaller than i realized and they happened to be in wisonsin and met up with me and my mom for lunch. Honestly.. the spark is still there, if not it was stronger cuz i'm single and they are no longer my with my best friend. However... still my best friend's ex. So that kept me from saying anything. But wow. 

It was still amazing to see them though.. if you remove my crush from the equation, i still got to see someone i used to be good friends with who i didn't think I would ever see again. It also means that when I move up there (still thinking Cleveland) I will have a friend that I can hang out with whenever I take trips to milwaukee. It makes me feel better about moving up north. 

Direction

 okay so... 

I did a big reading to get guidance now that I seem to have lost my sense of purpose. Brandi at work says i'm having a quarter of life crisis and I don't think the statement is inaccurate. 

The reading pretty much said that I needed to focus on myself, with 2 primary goals:

1) Heal from Viking man

2) focus on spirituality  - emphasis on dream walking and world walking, as well as reconnecting with nature and source. 

I can say that I have definitely been more sensitive to presences lately, and I'm noticing a change in my dreams and ability to manipulate dreams. I'm not at a point where it's full lucid dreaming, but I feel like I'm not far from it. I need to start doing guided meditations for myself to better develop the world walking skill. 

Maybe in a few months I'll feel comfortable enough to take the Irish shamanism classes. 

Its not so much a physical goal, the way school was, but the gods and faerie folk have told me my new direction is inward and my goal is... myself?