Work Chaos

 I need to unload. I really need to unload. the uncertainty is finally starting to get to me and I'm probably only feeling anxious because I have barley eaten today but jesus fucking christ. 

We will use code names for privacy reasons. 

My job: (not including admins)

Owner/Big Boss

|

My Boss 

/               \

Condo                Residential   

Newbie, Wife, SC            Me, Thing 1, Thing 2

Okay now that we have this sorted... Lets get into it. 

Everything was running really smooth until Owner found out about his wife's affair last summer. He sort of went off the deep end and My Boss had to take over his job for the most part. He became more of a consultant than a boss. During that time, My boss was so overwhelmed that she worked herself into almost dying twice. During that time and by almost losing her Owner realized he was in love with her and My Boss finally admitted she was in love with him (after like 10 years of knowing each other, working together, and being best friends. )  Around the end of last year Owner + My Boss = Dating. 

ok. up to speed? Good. 

The relationship turns toxic pretty damn fast. My Boss starts spiraling because she can't handle it but is determined to make it work. Very Triggered from Childhood Trauma and lashes out. Owner can't handle a partner that actually talks about their emotions, being reactive at times, and things get worse. Then things start to get better as Owner realized he's about to lose My Boss. Then things shift focus to My Boss's kids - most of whom are special needs in one way or another - especially "Trouble Child". 

Now Owner and My Boss fight about Trouble Child all the time. My Boss is trying different things to help Trouble Child and finally starts to see improvement but Owner refuses to acknowledge this and sees it as temporary. Fighting continues but My Boss gets into therapy so that she too can heal from her childhood and starts devoting more time focusing on her kids. Owner wants to just have fun and be distracted from his on-going Divorce. Tensions rise. Owner repeatedly says he can't be with her (out of fear for his kids and because he can't handle a emotionally volatile child) if Trouble Child is going to live with them and wants Trouble Child to live with his dad. My Boss refuses to give up on her kid and breaks up with Owner. 

----------

Not we get to the part thats stressing me THE FUCK OUT. 

Owner begins to retaliate at work against My Boss and constantly keeper her in a spiral. Then SC decides she wants outrageous demands (not actually that outrageous, but outrageous for our company as it is) and says if she can't have them then she quits. She hands in notice and they let her go early. All of SC's responsibilities fall to My Boss. Owner continues retaliation and refuses to help My Boss who repeatedly says she can't handle everything she has on her plate. (She is currently doing her job, still doing his job for the most part, and now is doing SC's full time job). 

My Boss starts having break downs. I help out as best I can, getting direct info on all of the retaliation and being powerless to really help. My Boss finally hits her breaking part and starts looking for other work. I start looking for other work because My Boss is the glue that makes my job work. She is the Primary wheel of the machine. If she goes there is no way this company survives. My Boss has a really good interview at another job and I start applying elsewhere in mass after she tells me that same day Newbie (second person on Condo team!) TURNS IN THEIR 2 WEEK NOTICE. My Boss panics, Owner is an ass when he calls her and says to email him and they would discuss it later. I calm her down and offer to write the draft of the email  - which she uses after editing. 

Options were moving forward:

- Hiring 2 new condo people

- Selling the company due to employee dissatisfaction (honestly all of us, other than me, are upset about lack of  benefits and salaries not being up to par with competitors in the industry) 

It is up in the air how things will shake out. 

----- Then we have today. 

I have an interview today on the phone that goes well. I have another interview Monday and Tuesday over the phone. All still within property management. Then I get a sign and random urge to search church jobs (which ive done before and nothing seemed appropriate for me) and lo and behold I find two that I apply to. I write a really thoughtful cover letter for each and use Chat GBT for the first time to make them more professional. I am underqualified for both positions but I also would LOVE to get out of property management and into a career with faith. I am anxious over what job I am headed towards because I really have gotten spoiled with this job. The pro's drastically out weigh the cons to me. I would stay here as long as I could if I felt it was stable enough. So I am hella anxious over having to go back to the 8-5 business management/property management strict lifestyle. 

Everything seems set. My Boss is 100% leaving its a matter of when. I have to time my departure with hers so that I don't cause more issues for her. But it seems certain, She is leaving and I am leaving. There is no hope for the company - not with 2 brand new condo people who need training and My Boss leaving immediately after that. 

Then My Boss calls me today and says the person they interviewed (Mystery Man) to replace SC is actually SO COMPENTENT that she thinks he could actually replace SC and herself. Newbie's work load would probably be split between Wife and Mystery Man. She is utterly amazed by him. If he gets hired, then the company is no longer a sinking ship... and I have no reason to leave. She mentions she may stay on as just a consultant - barley there but providing insight on occasion in the same way that Owner currently does. 

Now I am so conflicted and confused. There is too much in the air. 

1) If Owner hires Mystery Man, the company stabilizes, and I do not hear back from either of the church jobs I applied to - then I stay. 

2) If Owner refuses to hire Mystery Man out of spite to keep My Boss at the end of her rope - I go when she does. Regardless of which job I go to. 

3) If Owner hires Mystery Man, the company stabilizes, but one of the church jobs offers me a job - I go..... or do I? 

On one hand.... this job is familiar. I know it inside and out by now. The pay is amazing for the hours that I work (9/10-4 most days). My work life balance is amazing. I can bring my dog to work (and the anxiety I feel when I don't is a lot higher than I care to admit....), I can pretty much wear whatever I want so long as its not offensive or I am not meeting a client, and I can work on school work while in the office if I have free time. 15 minute commute home. Super relaxed and lenient  - when you're not in the loop of Owner's BS.... 

On the other hand.... I could make the jump into working in faith. Potentially taking on more than I can handle responsibility wise when added to school. Working firm 8-5 schedule with limited time off. But I would be paid the same WITH benefits. No Dog. Modest Clothing. Will have to mask being pagan. Might have to mask being queer... unclear on what the environment will be like. 20-45 minute commute. All new coworkers. Totally unfamiliar and new industry. Very scary... but finally changing careers like I want to do. 

--

But everything is in the air and I won't get any clarity until next week at the earliest. I already know I am going to do well on the phone interviews so I will either get invited to another in person interview or will get a job offer. Then there is the added stress of do I take the offer or not.. what's the timeline with My Boss? I would hate to accept and offer, tell Owner, and then everything end up leveling out.... 

My Boss and Owner are having a meeting this weekend to finally talk about things regarding next steps of the business....If he can manager to keep personal stuff out of it. (Which he accuses her of not doing). 

1) Will Owner Hire Mystery Man or Will he end the company and give us all a severance package?

2) If Owner Hires Mystery Man do I stay? 

3) If I am offered a Church Job, do I take it? 

I just need to know if I am able to stay in the safe and familiar role or if I have to take another damn job - then in that case which damn job do I take!?

Living Theology: A reflection on Poetry

 For class I had to do a close read on a poem and how it "does" theology - then I had to present a second poem and compare how the two "do" theology similarly or differently. 

For the first poem I chose The Summer Day by Mary Oliver.  In the first few lines its clear to see the narrator of the poem is already super reflective and notices the smaller details in life. She is brought to a point of intersection just from admiring the smallest of creatures: a grasshopper. The poem is instantly theological as she ponders who made the world, such as the tiny grasshopper before her. However I think the meat and potatoes comes from the second half - when the grasshopper flies away and suddenly the narrator reflects on prayer. To me this made me think how most prayers go out of us and to the being in which we pray, flying away the way the grasshopper does from the narrators hand. But then they present HOW they pray:

"I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down/ into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,/how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, /which is what I have been doing all day./Tell me, what else should I have done?"

This makes me think to Van Engen's article where he said "Theology, the study of God and God’s relationship with all things, can be abstracted into principles, but ideally its purpose is to influence life. Theology exists to be lived." Its the last line, "theology exists to be lived" that really resonates with me and I think is why this poem really resonates with me. 

Living theology, prayer as what we do in life and how we live our lives, and connecting to God within us and all around us is the connection I bring to my next poem. I stumbled upon this poet on Instagram and he is a theological poet. I am so enraptured by his poetry that after reading a handful of them I pre-ordered his book with zero hesitation and I think all people should experience his poetry at least once. Some key things to note: he has been homeless for a time, is married with kids, and during all the ups and downs of his life he found God through love. He sees God through the connecting of souls (primarily through sex) and so he calls his poetry "sacred smut x spicy scripture". But it is truly a LIVING theology. 

I know this is a long poem but I beg of you, bear with me and read it all. It really sets the tone for all of his work and it I worth it. If you want to skip it.... the final stanza is where the connection between the two hits home: "maybe physiology has always been prayer".

poet: Christopher Sexton

IG: christhecocreator

Poem: god came when I did. and whispered, finally

-----------------------------------

my god wears no name, 

only nerve endings and nectar, 

my god is a man. 

my god is a woman. 

my god is neither and both. 

my god is a mystical oracle 

whispering through dead things. 

my god is the earth's orgasm, 

when lightning and soil kiss. 

my god is what happens

when polarity dances

instead of debates. 

my god is in the collapse. 

in the climax. 

in the stillness after. 

this is not about religion. 

this is about relationship.

the relationship between

rain and roots. 

sky and womb. 

dopamine and devotion. 

testosterone and tenderness. 

this is about remembering 

that the soul is sexual, 

the erotic is spiritual, 

and that the second coming

is not a prophecy.

It's a practice. 

divine union isn't some 

esoteric metaphor. 

it's science. 

it's sacred geometry

and sacred sex

and sacred nervous systems

waking up from shame.  

this is not new age fluff. 

this is ecology. 

this is physiology. 

this is psychology

finally realizing 

what the mystics always knew:

to meet someone with all of you

requires that you've first

sat with all of you. 

I wear my mala beads

to anchor me in this.

108 beads. 

1 is the masculine. 

action, direction, the seed.

the proton charge of the cosmos,

born to pursue and penetrate truth.

0 is the feminine. 

current, intuition, the egg. 

the electron dance of creation, 

chaos, and curve. 

and 8 is the ouroboros.

the infinite spiral

where they fuck 

and become forever. 

together they make life.

together they are life. 

and every time I touch them, 

I'm reminded:

the point is not transcendence.

the point is trust. 

maybe resurrection 

isn't just about rising from the dead. 

maybe its about rising

into the living. 

maybe heaven 

is just the feeling in her hips

when she finally exhales into your hands

without wondering if she's safe. 

maybe salvation doesn't come 

from a cross or a creed. 

maybe it just comes 

when we stop using love as a leash. 

maybe the second coming 

is not coming back. 

maybe it's coming deeper. 

into the mess. 

into the moment. 

into the breath. 

maybe physiology

has always been prayer. 

Better to be alone than Lonely.

 Some thoughts that always arise whenever I start dating and trying to meet people - 

• I find fault with every single person who takes an interest in me. If they show too much interest too soon, I am almost disgusted. 
• I think I know what I want but I don't think it actually exists. If I meet someone and they don't immediately fit this idea, I make it almost impossible for them to even try. 
• I'm scared I'll end up alone but its better than being committed to the wrong person. I don't know how to keep the faith that my person is actually out there and the more open I try to be the worse it gets. 
• Now that I love myself, I don't know how to risk loving someone else. 
• I'm worried that I am the problem. I don't want to be chased but I refuse to chase. I'm just...stationary. Like a statue. I feel like i'm cold and unattached, unfeeling, like stone. 
• I am outwardly nice and internally cold. I'm social enough to go out and have good dates but I have no actual interest or any semblance of a connection to these poor guys who are sincere. 
• I actually sort of pity anyone who has legitimate interest in me. 
• I am fine when I focus on myself. I thrive when I am single... As soon as I think about adding someone else to my life, my peace falls apart... but I am so closed off when I focus on myself. What if I miss him? What If I'm so closed off that I don't let him in? What if I don't even let him approach me?

After talking with my therapist there is a frustration between my self preservation, guilt at not being able to to feel a spark (which I need to let go of, because just because someone is a good person or option doesn't mean they are right for you), and a deep desire to feel a deep connection. I have so much love to give but I am so careful about who i give that love to. 

Its better to be alone than with someone who makes me feel lonely. 

I need to give up dating. Me and dating go together like oil and water. I will have to meet my person organically in order for me to even give him a chance. 

I went on a date, immediately wrote off the guy it was with. Minimal small talk afterward as I tried to find an excuse to stop talking to him.... only to run into him at the no kings rally and have a really good time with him. (Let's call him Willy since he lives in the Willy st neighborhood). We slept together (look i'm lonely alright and he made me feel comfortable) and I expected it to be sort of done after that. But he surprised me and we ended up having some deep discussions afterward. 

Not it is following what I expected and turned into a more so physical only type dynamic and I'm certain its just a fun fling. but he surprised me with his depth. 

Maybe I really do need to slow down when I meet people and discover the things under the surface. 

However, I cannot allow a fling to last more than 3 months if even that long. 

He serves as a good reminder that 

1) I am allowed to just have fun and enjoy the moment

2) I deserve to be treated like a treasure

3) Somethings that were "wants", are actually "needs" - ambition, playfulness, and financial security. 

As soon as I realized he was not my person, he was yet another lesson/example from Lucifer, I relaxed. I do need to be careful that he doesn't get too attached to me, but other than that. It's fine. 

I have three people I am sort of casually "dating"

- "Willy" - has a LOT of characteristics I am looking for. No ambition, no financial security, no playfulness that I've seen so far.  Sagittarius says yes, Capricorn says no. 

- "Fly boy": has the playfulness but lacks the sort of commanding presence I crave in a partner. We are friends, but there is very clear interest on his part and we dabble in flirting. If he were to make a move I would be possibly open to friends with benefits, but that's the most I can see. 

- "Academic" - hard to read and get a vibe on. Slightly socially awkward and a massive introvert. Has the financial security and while is not spiritually inclined would absolutely listen to me yap about it. I really like the way he looks at me. Its either we sit and have a conversation or we do an activity, not one to do both. Encourages me to be silly but doesn't really have whimsy in himself. Capricorn says yes, Sagittarius says no. 

Willing to see where things go and not quite ready to cut the chord on any of them just yet. 

Writing prompts: Mallory - The Duck

 The Dawn settled the duck into its nest. We could only see it through the 1's and 0's of the digital camera... or rather she could see it. I huffed out another puff of steam over my chilled fingers as I glanced wearily over  to the small brunette woman fully laying on her stomach in the grass. She was too cute to glare at, but it was everything I could do not to do so after she woke me up before the ass crack of dawn after hearing the call of a damn bird. My glance finally morphed into a hard stare of disbelief as she shushed me, her hand motioning for me to crouch even lower onto the ground. 

The sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon, the chill of the night lingered over everything in a blanket of fog that I wished would dissipate so I could at least see the reason for my torment. My nose and cheeks were red and I just knew I looked like some kind of Raggedy Anne doll in my holey pajamas and curly hair tangled over my head. I would have snapped something witty at her, but the moment I turned my eyes away from my ice blocks that were once hands, my voice caught in my throat. She was looking up at me, her eyes shining in an almost childlike glee. 

Suddenly a large camera was shoved into my face as she jumped up, damn near startling the duck as much as she had me. I turned the body of the camera to face me, looked at the screen, and froze. 

It was beautiful. 

The creeping dawn had somehow cast a pink and lavender hue over the mist that cascaded through the tall grasses consuming almost the entire frame. The grass in question stood proudly around the nest, where I noticed the ever so slight bulge through the soft down feathers where an egg laid, surrounded by safety and warmth. The duck looked bleak and boring with my eyes, but somehow through hers she was able to summon an array of warm khaki, deep caramel, and hues of russet on the wings of perhaps the plainest bird in existence. 

The female Mallard called out a warning as a radiant voice broke my trance from the image. 

"See! I told you she'd be beautiful!" Puffs of steam crossed the short distance between us as she gazed up at me. Her brown eyes were alight with excitement, her nose and ears just as pink as mine if not more so; her ponytail offering no shelter from the cold morning. My eyes trailed over her as I saw her in the grass, as beautiful as a damn duck apparently could be. The cotton candy fog surrounding her and a slow golden light rising from behind, turning her into some sort of swamp faerie glowing before my eyes. What was it like, to see the world in such a way? 

I bent down to ask her that very question, but before the words could escape me she bounced and captured my lips with hers. They were hard, practically frozen, but I couldn't care. I wrapped her up in my arms, suddenly aware that in my frustration of my own discomfort I'd ignored the fact that she must have been even colder than me, wearing nothing but silk pajama which were now soaked from the dew she'd nested in. Reluctantly I broke the kiss, concern winning out over temptation. 

"Come one little bird, lets get some coffee going. I'm freezing my nuts off." With a wink, I pulled her into me as we turned towards camp. I noted the goosebumps and regretted not bringing a blanket - which I would have if she hadn't torn out of the tent like a bat out of hell. 

In a matter of time a fire was lit, a pot of coffee perfumed the air, and I was satisfying warm. I almost laughed as she came out of the tent wearing one of my hoodies - the one that was large even for me - and happily waddled over to me. With a sheepish grin she slowly took the mug out of my hands and graced me with a smile. I was once again off kilter - how could such a simple creature be so radiant? Oblivious to my awe, she made a happy noise as she slipped my coffee again, and took her place on the opposite end of the fire. 

"Mallory?" I asked, my voice almost dreamlike. 

"Yes?" she asked, her narrow face tilting to the side. 

"Marry me." I breathed, hardly aware I had actually said the words out loud. She blinked in shock for a moment and I suddenly realized what I had just done. 

"Shi-" I cursed, but she stood suddenly and startled me by practically shouting. 

"Okay!" 

"Okay?"

"Okay!" she chirped again, more confidently. Nodding her head enthusiastically and breathing hard, as if she had just run a marathon. 

"Okay." I said, my voice barely contained my laughter and joy. She gave me but a moment before her tiny frame barreled into me, throwing me on my ass. Her shrieks of laughter were contagious as she climbed on top of me and began pelting my face with quick kisses. 

"Okay." we breathed, embracing as the sun finally settled above the horizon. 

Final Project Proposal (work in progress)

The professor gave us prompts to cover in out 5-7 page artists statement

1. What is your project? What tools did you use to make it?
2. What ideas were guiding your choices? What theological questions do you address?
1. I chose this because burlesque was a very healing practice of mine and I very much miss it. I chose to use a externally "secular" event that actually had great spiritual impact internally and decided to bring that sacred journey into the public eye. I also felt called to use myself as the cards because I believe that all people have Spirit within them, we are all divine, and can connect and use it as we see fit - we are magic. Tarot is a tool I use to tap into Spirit, so to do tarot made the most sense as opposed to my personal oracle cards because I knew other people who know about tarot would be able to actually see my journey and know. In that dance I was channeling my divine power, tarot is a means to connect to that divine power, and the art is a way to tell the world what I did with it. 
3. Who is this for? How does it fit within the context of this community?
1. At first this was for myself. This is a story about strength, resilience, and learning to LIVE after trauma. This tells the story of a survivor and to those who know how to read it, it tells them they can do it too. This dance honored the sacredness of divine feminine rage and channeling that rage to survive the fear and embrace life again. It honors all sexual assault survivors; it is for any woman who has faced trauma, and decided they would not hide in the shadow, and fought their way back into reclaiming their power. This is for the women who balance rage and peace on a blade with a steady hand, who remembers kindness through the ghosts of violence, and came back into the light regardless of what scars they bare. The tarot cards tell the internal journey that happened before, during, and after this life changing dance. Through telling that story, anyone regardless of who they are, will know they are not alone. 

------------------------------ 

Final paper/project: this is an opportunity for students to draw on the readings, lectures, class conversations, and previous assignments to articulate their own informed understanding of the contemporary use of the arts as a means of theological or religious expression and reflection. Students will complete ONE of the following and present it to the class at the end of the term. 

a) The creation of a work of art or popular culture, such as a painting, dance, poem, sculpture, graphic novel, etc. that speaks to an aspect of your religious practice. This will be accompanied by a researched, footnoted artist’s statement of approximately 5 pages that describes your ideas and contextualizes them.  

Proposal for final paper/project: The proposal will demonstrate student preparedness for the final paper/project. It will consist of a paragraph description of the proposed project (about 250 words), as well as a close reading (300-500 words) of a relevant image/object/artwork. It will also include an annotated bibliography of at least 5 academic sources. It will be graded on a pass/fail basis and the professor reserves the right to ask the student to revise and resubmit the proposal.

The "Close Read" will be of a Tarot Card. I'll probably choose the devil because the primary thing about it is that the people who are chained...are holding the chain. Not the Devil. 

****AFFECT? --> the healing aspects... find it in the previous lecture to see the right word. 

Annotated Bibliography to support the 5 page paper - 

•  Pollack-Pelzner, Daniel. “Shakespeare Burlesque and the Performing Self.” Victorian Studies 54, no. 3 (2012): 401–9. https://doi.org/10.2979/victorianstudies.54.3.401.
• More on burlesque as a personal performance for self.
• https://www.jstor.org/stable/10.2979/victorianstudies.54.3.401?read-now=1&seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
• Buckland, Theresa Jill. “Dance, Authenticity and Cultural Memory: The Politics of Embodiment.” Yearbook for Traditional Music 33 (2001): 1–16. https://doi.org/10.2307/1519626
• Dance in conversation with other areas of study
• https://www.jstor.org/stable/1519626?read-now=1&seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
• Gaskill, Malcolm. 2010. Witchcraft : A Very Short Introduction. Oxford: Oxford University Press. Accessed April 26, 2025. ProQuest Ebook Central.
• Book on Witcraft.. honestly i think i could get some really good quotes from this. 
• https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.theoref.idm.oclc.org/lib/dtl/reader.action?docID=684591&ppg=1'
• Benussi, Matteo. (2019) 2023. “Magic”. In The Open Encyclopedia of Anthropology, edited by Felix Stein. Facsimile of the first edition in The Cambridge Encyclopedia of Anthropology. Online: http://doi.org/10.29164/19magic
•  https://www.anthroencyclopedia.com/entry/magic
• https://anthroholic.com/forms-of-magic?srsltid=AfmBOoplHEziSc_FdogfJxn52KE_9Zwf34G3Fc-WLAVU1MwbNCwnFrDE
• Dovell, Denise. “Dancing toward My Wolf: A Journey of Healing through Dance-Making.” Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies 20, no. 2 (1999): 43–59. https://doi.org/10.2307/3347011. 
• https://www.jstor.org/stable/3347011?read-now=1&seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
• Healing through dance!! 
• Page 2 liminal spaces, pg 5 whats healing about dance, pg 10 shamanic work, 
• This is an actual example of a woman doing shadow work healing generational trauma through dance. 
• Koch, Anne. “Alternative Healing as Magical Self-Care in Alternative Modernity.” Numen 62, no. 4 (2015): 431–59. http://www.jstor.org/stable/24644878.
• Magic as self care
• https://www.jstor.org/stable/24644878?read-now=1&seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
• Page 6 spirituality as a form of psychological healing, pg 7 ritual theory
• Dale, J. Alexander, Janyce Hyatt, and Jeff Hollerman. “The Neuroscience of Dance and the Dance of Neuroscience: Defining a Path of Inquiry.” Journal of Aesthetic Education 41, no. 3 (2007): 89–110. http://www.jstor.org/stable/25160240.
• The science part of processing emotions through creative process
• Link to the PDF (took some hunting): https://tinyurl.com/y8w3v72p
• Wright, Barbara S. “Dance Is the Cure: The Arts as Metaphor for Healing in Kelantanese Malay Spirit Exorcisms.” Dance Research Journal 12, no. 2 (1980): 3–10. https://doi.org/10.2307/1478508
• This article goes into how theatrical dances can be a form of exorcism - THIS is very close to how dance can be shadow work!! 
• https://www.jstor.org/stable/1478508?read-now=1&seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents
•  Baumholser, Erin. “It’s Laid Out in the Cards: How Meaning and Identity Are Constructed through Tarot Reading.” Dissertation, ResearchGate, 2016. 10.13140/RG.2.1.2639.7046.
• https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303297812_It's_Laid_Out_in_the_Cards_How_Meaning_and_Identity_are_Constructed_through_Tarot_Reading
• This dissertation draws on several articles that I contemplated for this very topic. I wanted to have at least one source on the history and uses of tarot that also explored its connection to self. The premise of this dissertation encompasses the purpose of my art piece. I am recreating a moment where my identity was in transition from victim to survivor. I completed this transformation through shadow work, culminating through ritual dance in the form of neo-burlesque. Tarot cards are how I chose to give a visual representation of what was occuring in my mind as I completed this ritual. This is the only source I could find that adequately linked tarot and identity for the sake of Artist's Statement.  

Idea for Art & Religion final

 My professor actually approved my idea of doing a burlesque dance for my final as a means to demonstrate sacred art. (I was going to do Alchemize by Kerli and do it as a physical representation of shadow work). 

I think I will take one of the most healing dances (Rise of the dragon Queen pt 2)

I could do 3 stills. 

1. I know I want to do this one:

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/481224965_651429547391900_923348104556530817_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=833d8c&_nc_ohc=tpeT2mwcc_AQ7kNvwFDxvK0&_nc_oc=AdkwsUxXN-gu7L6Sw0b8RWtjWnbV884iQazXFnTVVt8GH0AYid1finPMxMfvlU7Lx-c&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-msp1-1.xx&_nc_gid=XKFZN5LCreK8wgk2h_FcdA&oh=00_AfJFrE0_p8PVhuifc43Yo6ruaAz2KV-y27ZAlPJeG8x1oQ&oe=683EB03C

^^^^^ Turn this into the devil tarot card - we hold the chains that bind us and only we can break them... I was held down by shame and fear after my assault. Only I could break free and this dance was me reclaiming my power. 

I probably want to do this one:

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/480751460_651429467391908_8263468874864920517_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=833d8c&_nc_ohc=8asLQJZO_68Q7kNvwHhpvcs&_nc_oc=AdkVizrrpIseibL13k-vUUSoL9TXJC2ZjErb6TAkQSLRGOhAyRRZULBzim6rtwuOF-I&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-msp1-1.xx&_nc_gid=pKqbEjO6AvVG1gWCoQo3cQ&oh=00_AfIfCcQjk5zFRoxla7PP19d43pRoJ_HyNfv2Mh9STSdMig&oe=683EAB98`    ``

^^^^ Embellish the armor for sure. Knight of Swords. "represents a person or situation characterized by ambition, drive, and a strong focus on achieving goals. It often signifies decisive action, intellectual pursuits, and a need for clarity in thought"

And this one - I know I want to add wings

https://scontent-msp1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/480665275_651429594058562_1829645205857497342_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=833d8c&_nc_ohc=u3ef7l75ewwQ7kNvwF_qppz&_nc_oc=AdmMSz1yfDTJVLuPB0TrOFgaUDb9IKzEESQxE0Asmn2KvmaZx6G-r9aVdo4Q0ZAj4FQ&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-msp1-1.xx&_nc_gid=KaUWiaOYGtJHK6BoCFjGbw&oh=00_AfJr0UqQ-nUiM1AFQ1eDos3Ge_u61Ezr-NGmDXJBPRbBcg&oe=683EB75A

^^^^^^ Judgement, symbolizes spiritual awakening, transformation, and reassessment, encouraging self-reflection and making life-altering decisions

5 cards:

Past: The tower - the assault

Present: The devil (self reflection/shadow work)

Action to move forward: Knight of swords (shadow work)

Advice: Temperance 

Outcome: Judgment 

Notes I may need Later - Contemporary Paganism

 Anthropological differentiation:

- Etic = outsider point of view, how the culture/society/religious group looks to those outside the group.

-Emic = insider point of view, how the culture/society/religious group looks to those inside the group. 

Sailbi regrets that there is too many options and not enough guidance when it comes to religion, forming a spiritual supermarket that leads people to join NRM's instead of remaining in larger authoritative religions. ----- I would say that a spiritual super market is a great things, although it could lead to loniness in a way. Paganism can be quite lonely if you don't subscribe to a more primary form - even if you find a welcoming group its sometimes obvious when you deviate from it. Can feel isolating. So I can somewhat see where is he is coming from. 

He also regrets that "secularization" has limited how mainstream religion can be expressed in public spaces has given an opening to marginal and alternative religions. 

- he reveals his Christian bias and desire for Christian hegemony.

"Secularization theory" The belief that as society becomes more modern and invested in science its interest in religion will wither and eventually die out. -- I don't think that will EVER happen. A rise in NRM is sort of proof of that.  

Asian NRM Notes (will use most of this for the discussion board, as there are no prompts yet). 

**I wrote this to respond to the questions at the end of the lecture: 

What did you think about these Asian based NRM?

Something that I really find interesting and have a mixed feeling on is humanitarian acts as a means to proselytize. This is something that happens across various religions - Christianity is notorious for it. The example in our lecture was Hare Krishna temples providing free meals to the community so that no one would go hungry. "people would come for the food and stay for the religion". 

On one hand I love when a religion does humanitarian acts out of genuine love for people's well being. Providing food for the hungry is blessed work however to do so only for the sake of converting and spreading a religion is self serving and underhanded. I am not as familiar with how the Hare Krishna temples go about it but I can only draw on the two methods of this I have seen through Christian examples. 

In three separate examples of missionary work through providing food I have experienced:

#1) I will call this example a "community feast" in that it was a sort of potluck held by the church and was open to the community at large. The food wasn't free, but it was only a few dollars to come in and there was no limit to how much food you could eat once inside. The religion was all around through the presence of the church, religious art, and free bibles available to be taken if someone so chose on their way in or out. A single blessing was said at the beginning of the event and while I did not stay till the end there was no preaching involved. Just a community coming together to share a meal (and a way to keep the church doors open). 

#2) Providing hot meals to transient workers at the local and state fair grounds. During this time volunteers from the church gathers to make and serve hot meals for free to the workers, who would come from all over. Some people served the food and others walked around providing drinks and refilling them, others simply walked around handing out bibles and striking up conversations. The workers were free to turn down the bibles, and while those striking up conversations were encouraged to bring up the church and use that as a means to bring up religion and proselytize, it was understood that most would not be interested and the issue was not to be pushed if they seemed reluctant. 

#3) This example is from a church cookout I went to because a friend invited me saying it was just as casual community hang out.  The event was free, offering free food and good conversation with the community who came. Once it was clear that most people had gotten their food and were settling down to eat it turned into an informal church service. Once the preaching began it became hard to leave and awkward  - perhaps that was just my social anxiety and desire to be respectful. But it felt like being caught in a mouse trap - tempted by free food and then suddenly unable to leave while a religion is being forced on you. 

**Mind you its not like anyone was chained or the proverbial doors were locked (this was outdoors) but social pressures and decorum kept me silent and still. I was stuck in an uncomfortable event and environment for the sake of decorum.  This is especially true for women - but that is a socio/psychological conversation for another time. 

To me example #1 is the most respectful means to go about "come for the food, stay for the religion" as a means of charity work. The religion was not the forefront of the event - the food, people, and community was. It just provided a means to introduce the church to those who were unfamiliar and raise interest while also staying true to the purpose of the event. 

Example #2 is sort of in the middle in that the religion was easily accessible but there was no pressure talk about it. The company and food was provided simply because there were people in need. If it lead to conversion or even just for some of the workers to think more deeply about religion in general then all the better. 

To me, the third example is almost a sort of extortion: listen to us preach or go hungry. Those in attendance would have no choice but to listen to the religious teachings if they wanted the free meal. Now, several of the mini bibles were left on the table once people took their leave of the event, but several took the bibles with them. This is a strong way to spread one's religion but the act is no longer philanthropic. 

The lecture seems to describe how Hare Krishna goes about this more in parallel with the first example but not much detail was provided. Does anyone (or if the professor sees this and can answer) know which example is closer to how this religion/movement goes about it? Does it vary depending on the temple?

---

Another thing I found to be common amongst religions that heavily rely on conversion that was brought up in the lecture is the disruption of cultural events that have nothing to do with the religion by a religious group. The example from the lecture was the Lithuanian holiday that resembles American Mardi Gras and the Buddhist monk who went with his kids but complained that the Hare Krishnas could pop up at any time with their chanting and interrupt as a means to draw attention to their group. 

To me this is more along the lines of a church showing up with signs and shouting through a megaphone while handing out bibles than it is a respectful booth being set up to hand out information to anyone who chose to approach. I am genuinely baffled by how disrespectful, whether intentionally or not, some religious groups act in the name of conversion. I think public acts are not offensive in nature in general, but there is a time and a place to go about it respectfully. While this would definitely help the group be noticed,  would being disrespectful in this way not tarnish the community opinion of the NRM and act against conversion? 

------

Something I found interesting when looking at the Asian NRM's presented in the lecture is how as the movement spreads - it adapts. Hare Krishna as it was introduced to me back in Undergrad was as the professor described it when he first heard about it: strange people with orange robes and shaved heads. As shown in the lecture though, as more people joined they had less interest in the more extreme expressions of the religion - with many people in the chanting in regular clothing and not renouncing their contemporary lifestyle. Diamond Way shows a similar pattern - being born from a ascetic and celibate teaching and adapting to the contemporary world by following more hedonistic behaviors. In both cases while the more strict and limiting practices were dropped the primary teachings were still respected and used to further serve the soul and community. (Although I appreciated the clear difference in the group's attitudes towards their cultural heritage and how they interact with society.) 

I am curious how many Diamond Way followers adopted the racist and nationalistic ways of thinking - does that show in their teachings and centers; as the NRM adapts to the developing western world - does it remain as diverse as the people in it or do they all follow the example of the founder?

While the lecture didn't go into too much detail about what the Asian cult believed other than worshipping their Guru, it also in a way followed a similar path in the sense that it blended "ancient Asian Spirituality" with modern technology. Diamond Way also associated religion with technology - showing that technology really can be a bridge for people to enter into NRM. 

--------------------

If you had to choose one to join...

To me personally if I had to pick one to find the most interesting and if I didn't know any better would be tempted to join would be Diamond Way. In my personal practice I combine ecstatic journeying practices, a sort of  meditation through dance, and the use of harnessing sexual energy as a means to connect to the divine. However I think I would also struggle a bit with it as the ultimate goal for Buddhism is breaking the cycle of reincarnation and I find that at a total opposite of my spiritual own spiritual beliefs. However Diamond Way is a type of Mahayana Buddhism which believes in the bodhisattvas and follows the bodhisattva path - which is in line with my own beliefs (mostly). So I think I would easily be able to adapt a chunk of their practices into my own, much in the same way they did with Tibetan Buddhism. 

However I draw a very firm line in the sand when it comes nationalism and racism. Its denial of helping those in need (to paraphrase the quote in the lecture: "we are not trying to make the sick healthy, but make the healthy even better") directly goes against primary Buddhist teachings and so I have a really hard time with that as well. How can someone be on the path of becoming a Bodhisattva while actively turning a blind eye to suffering around you? Bodhisattvas are basically buddhas that choose to reincarnate or remain in a heavenly realm in order to teach others and lead them to Nirvana. If enlightenment comes from uniting the mind, body, and soul in harmony to the point of breaking free from suffering and becoming one with divinity/reaching nirvana  - it goes against the very thing they say they aspire to be to turn their backs on the needy. 

The only reason I really would choose Diamond way is because I don't think I could follow Hare Krishna's lifestyle and dedication to a single God - especially when I don't agree with all of his teachings. With polytheism I at least have the freedom to agree and disagree with my gods openly and find support in another deity should I need it. 

-----

**Diamond Way and Wicca seem to have a lot in common in how they pretty much ignore the origins of  their beliefs and just present what they believe as primary. They ignore the cultural and spiritual heritage until what they believe is their own thing that stands apart from its origin. Possible topic for final paper? 

** The elitist and classist levels of training found in Diamond way make me think about the little bit of Scientology that I know about. Could also be good for a comparison in a paper - not sure if there is a Pagan NRM that would fit this mode of thinking though. Will need to keep an eye out for that as the course goes on as that could be a direction for a final paper too. 

 ------ 

Quotes from the readings that may come in handy

• Daniel Metraux - Religious Terrorism in Japan
• These religious organizations have the main characteristics of revitalization movements in that they "rework and reshape traditional beliefs, rituals, and symbols in such a way as to make them relevant to the social-cultural and spiritual needs of the present." (1141)
• Aum followers, most of whom are in their 20s and 30s, donate all of their assets to the cult and move into Aum communes as adherents who completely cut off their association with the outside world for a communal life of little sleep and meager meals. In return, the cult promises spiritual exercises and lessons in extrasensory perception through a version of Tibetan-style mysticism as a path to true happiness and salvation. (1142)
• "I had always felt the end of the world is close at hand. With the incredible amount of environmental destruction, there is no way we can survive it unless we change our lifestyle."  (1145)
• "What they experienced, in Buddhist terms, was the release of bad karma that held back the life force of the Buddha." (1145)  ----> IN LINE WITH SCIENTOLOGY
• Like his yogi mentors, Asahara claims to have supernatural powers, including the ability to levitate and fly through the air. He also claims that he can teach these feats to others. Japanese television has shown some of his disciples desperately trying to achieve levitation from a full lotus position by bouncing up and down on their bottoms.(1146)
• This definitely makes me think of scientology 
• "Plausible explanations to this and similar situations start from the fact that many younger Japanese are embarking on a massive search for meaning in life, and are turning to spirituality for the psychological assurances that materialism has failed to provide. While surveys indicate that the percentage of Japanese with ties to organized religion has plummeted since World War 2, many are also highly receptive to spirituality." (1149)
• "Iamasu Tatsuo, professor of sociology at Hosei University, says the "cults have their roots in the occult and mysticism. Aum is one of those that successfully gained the sympathy of youngsters craving for something supernatural." According to sociologist Ito Takashi, "the current trend of new religious groups seems to reflect young people's interest in psychic powers, which may have sprung from their anxieties about life." Another professor notes: "Once youths become aware of the sources of their anxiety, they are eager to find a quick fix. And that's exactly what the new religions offer them." (1150)
• According to a young, well-educated man in his early thirties: "AUM has given me the true blueprint. The maps provided by other religions were vague and didn't take me to any goal." The religious fervor of most members - despite implication in crimes-has not been dampened, nor have many followers been convinced to give up AUM teachings. (1150)