lost

I lost today.

i didn't go to class because i feel like a crying fir could happen at any moment and i'd rather cry in the computer lab than in the middle of one of my favorite classes.

i emailed the professor, expecting him to get mad but instead he sent one of the most understanding responses...

so in order to make the day not a total waste.... i will be killing people. hopefully.

i'm going to be writing.

starting out with 7990 words...

lets see how long i can go for and how far i get.


in 2 hours i wrote 1422 words.

not too bad.

drowning and resurfacing

I feel like i'm drowning....
like my bipolar is resurfacing.


My body feels heavier, like i have a weight on my lungs.
Its not a physical ailment, i can breathe fine.

but its not like...incapacitating.

its just.... you know how when puddles freeze, you can see the water underneath? Well, i'm fine. My layer of ice is thick.... but i can feel my bipolar underneath my skin.

My bipolar never left with my getting medication... it only became more manageable. I still get highs (being more reckless with money, more agitated and aggressive)

and i still get lows (apologizing every other word, the physical manifestations, thoughts about death and suicide - not having suicidal thoughts though!!! - just feeling relatively down in the dumps, feelings of hopelessness, crying fits, social anxiety...)


and there really isn't anything that can be done.
i'm taking my meds.... the mood swings aren't nearly as bad as they use to be.
they are manageable.


but i still have them.


and i'm in a depressive phase right now, and i'm feeling it a bit more than i usually do.

it sucks.

Over analyze

So trevor says that the girl is actually very shy...

so i googled.

Based on our first coffee meeting and then last night... its 50/50.

Based on body language while we were at dinner and actually talking face to face...

there was constant eye contact. which is a good sign. Although she did look away alot too... She faced me the whole time, but she was also sitting across fro me....

i read that her arms and shoulders are important...during the dinner she had her arms at her side, not crossed... but after i paid, which seemed to make her uncomfortable, she had her arms crossed... and didn't face me as much. 

She didn't really interact with me much in the bookstore... Which i can understand, she was looking at books lol i'd rather look at books a=than at me too. She still talked to me here and there... but not too much...

during the movie she didn't angle herself towards me.... which as i was told, meant she wasn't interested. However, she had her feet angled in my direction which apparently is a good sign?

so it could be that i just made her a bit uncomfortable by paying for her food, and she was getting more shy?

she wasn't on her phone very often..  which is a good sign i think?

i don't remember if she titled her head when we spoke or if her pupils dilated or anything like that... wish i had paid more attention lol.

she did smile when she approached me in the begining... 

it could be she does have at least some interest, i just made her uncomfortable by paying. 

so ...50/50?

Overreact

Maybe I overreacted. 

I've talked with some people and maybe the date didn't go as bad as I thought...

And fate is kind.

My friend Trevor has a class with her!

not interested

so i went on a date with this girl tonight.... only i think i was the only one who thought it was a date.
Although i payed for dinner, it was only because i insisted that i pay. She made sure she bought her own ticket to the movie....

her body language...

yeah. She's not interested in me.

If i was still going to hope i could say maybe she is shy, but nah.

she isn't interested.

i'm kind of bummed because i think she is really cool.....

i kinda had my hopes up.

but oh well.

Jury duty for... a murder trial!???

so i have been summoned to jury duty on febuary 8th. But the only info i can find out about any trial on febuary 8th.... its a murder trial.  Its the farmville murder trial.



and they are pushing for the death penalty.
If it was life in prison - ok fine. but death penalty? i don't want that on my conscience.
i have 2 options.

A - get my jury duty deferred to the summer, since i'm a full time student.
B - at the screening say that i am against the death penalty.

murder is interesting. Trials are not.

i really don't want to go.
i really want, and need (for academic reasons), to get out of this.


gods help me...

First day update

I'm going to like my M,W,F classes.

My english professor looks like the bad guy from the unfortunate events books.

And then I get home.... 

And my day gets bad. Why?

As usual: Cara. Nothing but attitude and animosity.

And then I get something in the mail.... Fucking jury duty.