Shocked

Nothing like shock to put you out of your head into reality. 

Carson is dead.

What.

How to process this....

He was my first friend I maid when I started at foodlion. He left after a year of me starting. But I considered him my only friend for about 6 months.

He's gone.

Death is but a passage - he's simply moving on. I know that.

But I can't stop the tears.

The anger.

The sadness.

The guilt... I hadn't talked to him in months... 

What kind of friend am I?

Now he's gone.

I'm so sorry Carson... Reduced to "23 year old man found dead in car off I-440 in Raleigh".... 

That's all they said. 

No details.

No word on any kind of service.

Gerald must be heartbroken - you guys still being together gave me hope.

Death parted you before you could even make the vows.

Goodbye Carson.

Unbalanced

You know you're having a bad day when you walk out into a parking lot and hope you get hit by a car.

Or when you see your reflection, note how beautiful you are, and have the urge to claw your own face.

Something is off. There is something that I'm doing that is causing an imbalance in my life and it is causing me to have a negative phase.

Add that with the missed doses of meds last week and my bipolar is kicking in.

Do not be alarmed - this too shall pass.

...

I really will end up alone won't I....

comment/friend

on a brighter note....

so i made a friend i  my nonfiction english class.
he's kinda awesome.


after sharing the first bit in the class (the oe about why i write and being alone in highschool) he asked me about my blog. I was shocked, hesitant but figured, why not?
so i gave it to him.

I'm glad i did. He is just such a kind person.

and then when i posted my memoir, which i titled "Lightning"
(Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-lj29hqtc_l4OKMpr4reM0oOYquG7le-B9ffbj0naoo/edit?usp=sharing )

here was his comments:

Oh. My. God. 

Sooo you and I talked about this in class, and I had, like, so much to say, but didn't know where to start! I'm really glad that I have this comment section to fully praise this piece. 

Having read it a second time for reference, I wanted to just skim it for the major talking points, but I found myself completely and utterly captivated by the way you tell this story. 

• You've got that catchy theme that goes along with your title that really does a splendid job of giving your thoughts and emotions weight and depth, which is awesome! I also love how you're able to wrap it all up with that "Lightning" theme at the end.
• I adore the examples you used with the sim characters, and the barbies. I found it really fun and interesting for that sort of aspect being in your life for so long. 
• The flow of your story fits very well; I pretty much never came across an aspect of the story that felt clunky, superfluous, or out of place. I'd like to add that your transitions are very powerful and appropriate.
• Your writing really works for me because it blends both complex, poetic language into an easy-to-read package. 

Another thing I would like to sort of tack onto this is how much it resonated with me as a person. This might sound a little biased because I've read your blog, and have more of an insight into the kind of person you are, but I really have to say this. When I read your piece, there were a couple parts in which I felt really, REALLY sad. This is not only because I can relate in a way, but because of the parts that you said things like "I couldn't be one of them," or "I wasn't good at being gay". For me, it feels so dehumanizing to imagine being alienated because of who you are. You couldn't fully accept who you were purely because you were afraid what those around you would think, do, or say. Maybe those feelings aren't as profound as they were when you were younger, but not being able to fully come to terms with who you are, at least to me, is an absolutely horrifying thought. As someone who's kind of still figuring out his sexuality, I feel that it is so very refreshing to read.

Seeing as how I'm on the hype-train for this story, I can't think of a thing that I didn't love about it. I'm sorry I couldn't be really helpful in terms of revision, but I felt that it was my responsibility to express how much I personally loved it. If I've absolutely gotta come up with something, it'd be that the story is maybe a littttle bit off on the ratios of summary and reflection. I think that the story *might* be a little summary-sided, but I could be totally wrong; I think the story works very well the way it is now.

Okay, okay, I'll stop fangirling! xD 

Lisa, you're a great writer, and a great person, and I'd like to thank you for writing this piece. It was very touching, and I'm really glad that the outcome was ultimately optimistic!

this made me cry. I was so happy.
first off, he complimented my writing style and that was nice. but it was the fact that it actually meant something to him... that's what did it. The fact that he found my peice sad, surprised me, since i didn't find it sad... but then i did. He picked up on the underlying pain in my writing, that i hadn't realized i put in there. When he mentioned that.... i felt like he saw me. like he actually saw me, as who i am and not the me that i am putting out into the world on a daily basis. It was refreshing and overwhelming to encounter someone who honestly saw me. it made me cry.

And the fact that he is so compassionate and kind about what he saw/sees, only makes it better. I'm glad i gave him by blog. I'm glad i let someone other than my one or two close friends have a glimpse into who i am. And to him, i say thank you.

apprehension

Something is wrong.
i don't know what it is.... but something is wrong.
its lie when you play a video game, and the enemy's music comes on, but you can't see the enemy.... that anxiety and apprehension....

thats where i am now.
i feel it in my chest. i feel it in my shoulders.

i know its probably the bipolar kicking in, since i missed some doses of my eds last week.
this sucks.

but what am i anxious about? I know that anxiety is always caused by underlying factors so lets see if i can figure out what... that was i thinking about when i first felt the anxiety grab me?

• her - i still can't figure out if she has lost interest in me.... someone else is showing interest and i don't know if i should encourage it or not. 
• Corie 
•  corie sent me a message about the blog post. she isn't mad or anything, but apparently she didn't mean to come off as pressuring in the relationship. She really cared about me, and apparently had been trying to compete with jake on some level. Not everything with Corie was bad.... we really did make good friends. The only real tension in the relationship - at least on my end- revolved around sex. I think it was like, the more corie cared - the more she wanted sex. whereas sex has no emotional influence for me. big problem.  Things just changed later that night... i drew a line and stopped giving in, which caused tension which grew and drive us apart. 
• Another problem was that i was never in love with her. She wanted me to be, but i wasn't. I haven't been in love since october 2013.  And i honestly wonder if i ever will be again..... i can like someone. I liked staci (that even had potential to grow), and i liked corie. i can even say that i loved corie.... but i wasn't in love with her. I use that word very hesitantly now... i will easily say "i love you" to my friends, but i don't say it to people i'm dating because to them it will have a different meaning that i don't want them to think. 
• I will be forever alone. 
• am i okay with that?
• writing the memoir for class brought up my fears. 

Honstly i just want someone to hold me, tell me what whatever is is wrong will be alright. 

Everything will be fine. 

I really just want to go back home, curl up under the covers, and drift into warm calm, nothingness. 

FAERIECON 2k16

JENNA IS COMING WITH ME!!! FUCK YEAH


get 2 day passes

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holiday inn 2 nights, 4-6 checkout on 6

6.5 mile drive -> MAKE GPS AVOID TOLLS
$115 a night to be safe....

plus 100$ spending money
$100 tickets

the weekend will cost me = 315$

Jenna help pay for room....
gas also a factor.

i pay for gas going up, she pays for gas to fill me up when we get in greenville.

pressure - WARNING: SEX TALK and RAPE TALK

okay so i have had it with rape culture.

why is it okay to force sex on someone who doesn't want it?
why is it okay to pressure someone into doing something when they don't want it?
why is it okay for someone to think that if the person "trusts them" then it will all be okay?


just because i trust you doesn't mean that i want to do a certain sexual act with you. It doesn't make it okay for you to try to pressure me. It doesn't make it okay for you to get frustrated and angry with me for sticking up for myself and drawing a line.


**this is in reference to something that happened in the past while i was dating corie, but with all the rape and talk of nonconsenting sexual advances going around it keeps flashing in my mind. **



i do not like penetration. it scares me.

there was a time when i was dating corie, that she wanted to use a toy on me for penetration. i could tell she really wanted to, it was important to her, so i agreed. but as soon as she brought it out i changed my mind.

i tried to talk myself into letting it happen. but i couldn't. It was OBVIOUS i didn't want to anymore. i kept my legs as tightly closed as possible. I was almost in tears. Still she seemed to ignore that.

So, when i realized that she wasn't going to back off, i voiced my change of mind. She tries to soothe my fears, by letting me hold the toy, by trailing it up and down my leg. telling me to "trust" her. As if that was the issue.

she proceeded to try to change my mind. telling me how i would like it. How if it was a matter of lubrication, that she had some. That she would start out slow, so it didn't hurt.

every word hit me like a knife.

i left, and tried not to cry on my way home. Once safely parked in my driveway, i broke. i sobbed. my SG came to comfort me, i was in that much emotional distress.

I felt guilty and weak. Corie was mad. I was a coward. these repeated in my mind.
but at the same time....  how dare she try to press the issue when i voiced non consent. how DARE she try to pressure me into it? how dare she get angry and frustrated at me?

i wasn't weak, i was strong enough to take myself out of a situation that was going into dangerous waters.

She had been in the heat of the moment but for me, when she brought that thing out, it was as if i had been thrown in ice water. the fact that she still tried to convince me after i said no was a betrayal.

and so i wept again.

it was after that day that i think i knew in my mind and heart that things wouldn't be the same, and that the relationship would end. It was subconscious, but i knew.

even now, over a year later, it still boils my blood. still puts ice in my veins knowing i almost allowed myself to be in that situation, which i know would have traumatized me.


I didn't want it.

Now i look back to the first time i ever got drunk. I was scared because i had never felt that way before. I felt utterly helpless. I could barely walk, and even needed help sitting up or laying down.


I know why cowards wait and get girls drunk to rape them. They wait until the girls are helpless and can't fight back. They make it so that their victims can't do what i did with corie - they can't remove themselves.

and yet society says it's okay?

fuck that.

I said no, and it wasn't good enough, so i left. 
if someone says no - IT MEANS FUCKING NO.
do NOT try to change their mind. 
do NOT try to guilt trip them by saying it's a matter of trust. 
if they are unconscious - DO NOT proceed to use them for sex.

rape is rape and rape is a crime that to me, should be punishable by death or castration.
(or death by full castration.... cut it off and let the fuckers bleed to death.... as for female rapists, let it be death or chemical castration)

i was uneasy about sex in the past, and after dating corie that uneasiness is stronger - but so am i.

 My voice is louder and firmer when i say "no" now. I say it faster and with more confidence. I know what i want, and if sex is not part of that, i will not be swayed. that may mean i will be single for the rest of my life, it may not. i don't know but what i do know, is that i will draw a line; nothing will make me cross it unless I WANT to.


granted i repeat - my experience happened over a year ago. When Corie saw that i would not change my mind, she backed off. But she was angry/frustrated and i was hurt (hurt feelings, not physically) so i left.

Corie did back off. 
but it is apparent in today's society that not everyone will.

and that is fucked up.