Where I’m at

im at this weird point in my bipolar where I’m not going to take the entirety of my bottle of lorazepam (although the idea is hella appealing and my brain has been repeating the idea for the past 3 days) but I also wouldn’t move if I was about to get hit by a car.

I’m on day 3 of this. I tried to cheer myself up last night by having a spontaneous date night, but that backfired. I thought I had today off from Foodlion, but I didn’t. So here I am at work with no fucks to give and already tired of people asking if I’m okay. No, I’m not. Stop asking. I know you care - that does t make me feel better.

Instead I just tell people I don’t feel well. Which is true - my chronic illness is flaring up.

I want to go back to sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything.

I Won’t actively try to kill my self but I also wouldn’t do anything to prevent it either.
Kinda hope I get hit by a car in the parking lot.
That’s where I’m at.

Can’t stay

Well I can’t stay where I’m at. Hallie wants to live in her own - when u mentioned that I might not be moving out she said “okay I’ll start looking for other places” and there is no way I ca afford this place on my own.

Looks like I’m moving my stuff back to my Mom’s. Whether I go with it or not has yet to be decided

thinking things out.

just putting some thoughts down

i could easily stay here. Either on the lease..... or just secretly pay hallie rent until Cory moves out.
so thats 2 options.

Theres the two options involving my mom - move in with her or just keep my stuff there and live with jimmie and cory.

I have another month to figure it out...kinda. because if im not staying here now.... We kinda need to let Overton know.
either way:
ultimatly move in with jimmie.

only thing is... the utilities and rent would go up for me. Rent with Jimmie would be 275, and because of the gas heating the utilities are a lot higher. :/


i might be better off just staying here

got back to me

Morgan and cole got back to me, they are deciding to try for a one bedroom. They're going for it and i wish them all the best.

so that means that i need to figure out what i'm going to do.


stay here or move?

options

So i waited until today to send  a message about this new place to morgan and cole, to give them more time to settle down after their flight back.

6/4/18

first attempt.

I will try to reach back out in another 2/3 days.

but i know for a fact both of them have been online, and neither of them have opened my messages.
i'm sorry, am i the only one taking this seriously?

if we lose this place we will pretty much be shit out of luck.



and heres the thing: even though i am the one putting in all of the work, given an almost impossible budget to work with, and trying to cater to two other people while still making sure the move is worth the money spent on my end - i am going to be seen as the bad guy if this falls through. nevermind that i have tried to reach out. and will continue to.

and that sardine can of a place morgan wanted to apply for as our new option? the one i absolutley hated? its not even vailable anymore.

so really this is our only option.

heres the thing: they don't have very many options. On their budget there is no way they can afford a one bedroom. They are either going to have to wake up and work with me or they will have to stay in student living and hope that they don't reported for having two people in a bedroom.

I have several options.
for one - i could just stay where i am at. Its affordable. Its close to everything. the bedroom isn't as big as i would like but it works.
two - i could move back in with my mom for a few months until cory leaves, then move in with Jimmie.
three - move all my stuff to my moms and move my cats to jimmie's place. I would just have to go to my moms to get changes of clothes and stuff. So i could live with jimmie and cory, until cory leaves and i would move all my stuff in.

I have options.
I am going to be okay regardless of what happens.

but it kills me that if things don't work out with morgan and cole i'm going to get blamed and labeled the bad guy.

Obligation

I am a slave to obligations. They rule my life. I cannot break them... why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m use to people I depend on have disappointed me enough that I can’t stand the thought of disappointing others.

I feel obligated to move in with Morgan and Cole. Why do I feel obligated? Because I agreed to. Do I want to, honestly? No. I would much rather live by myself, but I can’t afford it.

So get a better job.

Well there is really only one option and it’s not even a 100%  guarantee; a bank teller at BB&T.

Why not go for it?

I feel obligated to the Bistro. Why do I feel obligated? Because I said that I planned on staying for at least a year when Mrs heather asked me about it.

I can’t break obligations. I am ruled by them.

Why didn’t I leave the witchy group after it grew toxic because I was dating Jimmie? Obligation. For one, I cared about them. But mainly because I felt obligated to stay. Why? Because I said I’d never walk away - I promised not to abandon them. They walked away from me, thus freeing me of said obligation.

But I’m not free of my current obligations. I’m moving in with Morgan and Cole - if we can move our asses andget this place.

I’d feel a guilt at leaving bistro  so intense that it makes me debate wether swallowing a handful of lorazepam would be better than disappointing Mrs Heather.

And honestly I just want to check out instead.

Didn’t plan on making it this far to begin with.

I wasn’t suppose to graduate college. I wasn’t suppose to have to deal with all this.

I was suppose to be dead by now.

And honestly wish I could be at times.

But you know why I’m not?

I feel fucking obligated to live.

I promised Dr. Knox and Dr. Bunger that as long as I knew them I wouldn’t try to kill myself.

I fucking feel obligated to live because I don’t think my mom would be able to handle me leaving. It’s one of the fucking reasons I didn’t go to Georgia for school. It’s one of the reasons I can’t kill myself.

I feel obligated to live because I love Jimmie and don’t want to cause him pain.

But mostly I’m obligated to live because of my cats. I am obligated to take care of them because unlike any other reason on this list they depend on me for survival.


So yeah. My life is run by fucking obligations.

Compromise

i have decided to compromise on space when it comes to finding a apartment...

If Morgan is willing to compromise on storage.

We looked at the gables west before but ruled it out because it’s less than 800sq ft.

But again. Compromise.

Late July move in. They might have to crash on my couch and put their stuff in storage for a week or two if it’s after the 17th, but *shrug*

Rent would be 599$ plus internet and utilities...

Or

750$ for all inclusive. But I’ve heard we would need to get our own internet because theirs sucks. (Plus has a 150$ cap) so 795$

All inclusive would probably be cheaper as long as we didn’t go over the 150$ cap.

But it has washer and dryer included.

If we don’t mention Cole then I would be willing to pay Morgan’s application fee.
I know they don’t come and inspect very often, so we wouldn’t have to mention the cats.

Deposit is full rent or 1/2 rent depending on credit.


But they are at a funeral and won’t be back until Sunday.

But then I will present this place (again, because we looked at it before) to Morgan.