your sweet words numb the pain
that i know will soon overpower me.
your warm touch, your bold embrace
shield me from the avalanche and makes me feel safe...
a false sense of security.
but we part ways every time;
the protective barriers fall away,
and i'm left to swim in the abyss of knowing
that its all coming to an end
- everything ends anyway.
I've tasted hope and I've let in doubt
wanting to believe the words you say
but what i know steals any amount
of faith that could be tempted to stay.
Your sweet words are just words.
When i'm gone and the room is empty,
for a short time you may miss my company.
Your life will resume and carry on in its complexity
and your world will continue to spin.
Your absence will scream in my ears.
"I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved"
I always felt that i loved others more than they loved me
but after a year and a half with you, trust blossomed and the fear stopped.
So then, did our relationship.
There are kind words and good intentions,
there are unspoken truths and cold realities.
whichever comes to pass I hold no resentment.
What is meant to be will always be...
and it seems for you that wasn't me.
My love for you flows from my eyes every night,
Your warm arms holds it at bay for a time,
but i dread the day when I say goodbye
because I know from your heart I will fade away.
I wonder how long will you haunt mine?
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
How is he so sure?
How is he so sure?
After hurting my feelings last night he apologized today.
And he said that he has no doubt; that he loves me and he has no doubts about the fact that we will get back together. “I just need this time... and thank you for giving it to me”.
I wish I had his confidence. He himself is comfort and what I use to associate as home.
Now he himself acts as a band-aid on the gaping wound in my chest where my heart use to be.
The void that once was a house that our love built, now is a sinking black hole. Only doubts and tears come from there.
“Thank you for giving me this time”
Well I didn’t have much of a choice.
I see why you need time, I do. I see you in pain.
But I don’t see growth. I don’t see anything to give me hope that this “time “ will end.
For all I know this time could take years.
And I can’t be in constant pain for years. I need to take care of myself.
I’ve gotten his blessing that he wouldn’t love me any less if I started casually dating someone.
And I told him if he did the same I would TRY not to take it personally. (If they aren’t married then she isn’t a threat).
I love him. I’m in so much pain because I believe the life I was going to have with him is over. Will never be. I don’t have the confidence and the certainty he does.
He just thinks it’s been paused and will continue on again. He has no doubt.
I am filled with doubt.
I just need someone fun and casual to distract me. Someone willing to be mine and be fine without having my heart because it doesn’t matter how soon or how far I find a partner.... my heart belongs to him. Until he releases me completely.
Until he tells me there is no future between us, I will ache and pine for him.
Unless I have a distraction.
The pills aren't the right way to go (plus I’m almost out).
I need a person.
I need a casual partner to get me through this.
I love him too much to be around him and not be with him.
Everything he says are just words. Sweet words. But words are empty. I don’t believe them.
Actions. Movement. Proof.
He showed me what he plans to get his grooms men. So he plans to eventually Mary someone.
He seems determined to see me "once a week" when I move.
If he can stick to that, honestly stick to it... then maybe there will be hope for us.
But all I feel is doubt and sorrow when it comes to the two of us.
When it gets to the point where he is honest and tells me he doesn’t want to be with me at all, that we are truly done... I’ll show him the ring.
After hurting my feelings last night he apologized today.
And he said that he has no doubt; that he loves me and he has no doubts about the fact that we will get back together. “I just need this time... and thank you for giving it to me”.
I wish I had his confidence. He himself is comfort and what I use to associate as home.
Now he himself acts as a band-aid on the gaping wound in my chest where my heart use to be.
The void that once was a house that our love built, now is a sinking black hole. Only doubts and tears come from there.
“Thank you for giving me this time”
Well I didn’t have much of a choice.
I see why you need time, I do. I see you in pain.
But I don’t see growth. I don’t see anything to give me hope that this “time “ will end.
For all I know this time could take years.
And I can’t be in constant pain for years. I need to take care of myself.
I’ve gotten his blessing that he wouldn’t love me any less if I started casually dating someone.
And I told him if he did the same I would TRY not to take it personally. (If they aren’t married then she isn’t a threat).
I love him. I’m in so much pain because I believe the life I was going to have with him is over. Will never be. I don’t have the confidence and the certainty he does.
He just thinks it’s been paused and will continue on again. He has no doubt.
I am filled with doubt.
I just need someone fun and casual to distract me. Someone willing to be mine and be fine without having my heart because it doesn’t matter how soon or how far I find a partner.... my heart belongs to him. Until he releases me completely.
Until he tells me there is no future between us, I will ache and pine for him.
Unless I have a distraction.
The pills aren't the right way to go (plus I’m almost out).
I need a person.
I need a casual partner to get me through this.
I love him too much to be around him and not be with him.
Everything he says are just words. Sweet words. But words are empty. I don’t believe them.
Actions. Movement. Proof.
He showed me what he plans to get his grooms men. So he plans to eventually Mary someone.
He seems determined to see me "once a week" when I move.
If he can stick to that, honestly stick to it... then maybe there will be hope for us.
But all I feel is doubt and sorrow when it comes to the two of us.
When it gets to the point where he is honest and tells me he doesn’t want to be with me at all, that we are truly done... I’ll show him the ring.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Crying on the couch
This Wednesday jimmie is going to have dinner with his grandma and aunt.
I’m on call Wednesday. So there’s a chance I might have it off and my first thought was to be excited and happy because that meant I could finally see them.
Then I remembered I’m jimmies ex now... and even though I’m sure they would be happy to see me... I can’t go. It would be too weird.
I don’t think I could emotionally handle seeing them as his ex girlfriend. I thought that those women were going to be my future family.
That’s gone.
I bonded with his grandmother. I miss her. But I’m not his girlfriend and I’m not privy to that part of his life anymore.
And it just brought back all the pain.
Everything. All the hopes and dreams I had about a life with him.
All the trust I had in him.
Everything I associated him with.
It’s all gone.
And my heart is breaking all over again.
He was the constant, steadfast part of my life that I knew I could trust and count on no matter what life through at me.
And despite what little bit of reassurance he may try to give me... he is no longer a steady rock in my life. He is uncertainty. He is both comfort and pain.
We aren’t taking a break. We are broken up completely.
I have to move on.
I have to get use to the idea without him. Without his family. Without... everything I thought my future would bring.
How can I force myself to stop loving him? Loving him hurts. The idea of not loving him hurts.
I am in a period of transition and I just need it to end.
Either a miracle happens... or I need to get over him. Somehow.
And despite what every fiber of my being wants and craves... I have to start taking measures to force myself forward.
No more taking comfort in him. No more intimate moments. No more cuddles on the weekends. No more extended family. No more anything.
I need to stop thinking of him as the man I love. I need to stop trying to read into what he sends, does, or says to me.
He is my roommate and my friend. That is the role he said he wanted and I need to stop trying to make it anything more than it is.
I can miss him. I can mourn him. But I can’t keep going to him.
Otherwise I’m just going to keep coming back to te place I am now.
Confused and crying.
I am so tired of the pain and uncertainty.
I just need a sign. Something certain and concrete.
No transitions or mixed signals.
I need to turn to myself, my gods, and my spirituality.
That is where I need to draw comfort. That is where I need to draw my certainty.
People are fickle. I need to give my heart and my pain to the gods. Because obviously I can’t trust it to anyone else right now, including myself.
I’m on call Wednesday. So there’s a chance I might have it off and my first thought was to be excited and happy because that meant I could finally see them.
Then I remembered I’m jimmies ex now... and even though I’m sure they would be happy to see me... I can’t go. It would be too weird.
I don’t think I could emotionally handle seeing them as his ex girlfriend. I thought that those women were going to be my future family.
That’s gone.
I bonded with his grandmother. I miss her. But I’m not his girlfriend and I’m not privy to that part of his life anymore.
And it just brought back all the pain.
Everything. All the hopes and dreams I had about a life with him.
All the trust I had in him.
Everything I associated him with.
It’s all gone.
And my heart is breaking all over again.
He was the constant, steadfast part of my life that I knew I could trust and count on no matter what life through at me.
And despite what little bit of reassurance he may try to give me... he is no longer a steady rock in my life. He is uncertainty. He is both comfort and pain.
We aren’t taking a break. We are broken up completely.
I have to move on.
I have to get use to the idea without him. Without his family. Without... everything I thought my future would bring.
How can I force myself to stop loving him? Loving him hurts. The idea of not loving him hurts.
I am in a period of transition and I just need it to end.
Either a miracle happens... or I need to get over him. Somehow.
And despite what every fiber of my being wants and craves... I have to start taking measures to force myself forward.
No more taking comfort in him. No more intimate moments. No more cuddles on the weekends. No more extended family. No more anything.
I need to stop thinking of him as the man I love. I need to stop trying to read into what he sends, does, or says to me.
He is my roommate and my friend. That is the role he said he wanted and I need to stop trying to make it anything more than it is.
I can miss him. I can mourn him. But I can’t keep going to him.
Otherwise I’m just going to keep coming back to te place I am now.
Confused and crying.
I am so tired of the pain and uncertainty.
I just need a sign. Something certain and concrete.
No transitions or mixed signals.
I need to turn to myself, my gods, and my spirituality.
That is where I need to draw comfort. That is where I need to draw my certainty.
People are fickle. I need to give my heart and my pain to the gods. Because obviously I can’t trust it to anyone else right now, including myself.
Friday, July 12, 2019
big girl goals
okay so my big girl goals is to have a one bedroom to myself.
I have a year to get to this point, august 2020.
will probably need to find another job before that...June 2020 when Bistro closes
currently looking at a few places that seem most ideal to me.
budget:
Rent - max: 650
Utilities - 100
Internet - 55
Health - 30
Car - 120
Phone -55
Gas - 60
Cats - 55
Food - 100
Misc - 100
Student loan - 50
Doctor bill - 50
Credit - 50
Savings - 100
--------------------
1575 --> 1600 minimum needed monthly income.
after taxes..
1800 before taxes.
20 hours a week = 20.8$ per hour.
25 hours a week = 16.65$ per hour
30 hours a week= 13.87$ per hour
40 hours a week = 10.40$ per hour.
now there are some places cheaper than 650 that i'm looking at.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1WP0IMGblhAjvwK-YNkDH8QgRn1xao-ieJZMq_2g7YDY/edit?usp=sharing
with cheaper than 650 rent ... lets say 525?
Rent : 525
Utilities - 100
Internet - 55
Health - 30
Car - 120
Phone -55
Gas - 60
Cats - 55
Food - 100
Misc - 100
Student loan - 50
Doctor bill - 50
Credit - 50
Savings - 100
--------------------
1450 --> 1500 minimum needed monthly income.
after taxes..
so lets say 1700
20hours a week =$19.75
30 hours a week = 13.25
40 hours a week = 9.90
if we go even cheaper...485?
Rent : 485
Utilities - 100
Internet - 55
Health - 30
Car - 120
Phone -55
Gas - 60
Cats - 55
Food - 100
Misc - 100
Student loan - 50
Doctor bill - 50
Credit - 50
Savings - 100
--------------------
1410 --> 1500
so... the same.
I need to find a part time job that pays 13.25 minimum.
jobs:
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?cmp=Dirks-Chiropractic&t=Chiropractic+Assistant+Receptionist&jk=2e73b4295bc25969&q=Receptionist&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?cmp=Yotaron-Enrichment-%26-Resource-Center&t=Administrative+Assistant&jk=c0b6ff019e9c223c&q=Receptionist&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=3a8ec13e8865da5e&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=d1577ee165abbbe5&q=Receptionist&l=Greenville%2C+NC&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=web&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=d1577ee165abbbe5&q=Receptionist&l=Greenville%2C+NC&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=web&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=5104507a326fd047&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=13c860fd3f561b0c&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=ddcb3e8461963e82&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=1529306a9c4fc992&tk=1dfjub2po280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
I have a year to get to this point, august 2020.
will probably need to find another job before that...June 2020 when Bistro closes
currently looking at a few places that seem most ideal to me.
budget:
Rent - max: 650
Utilities - 100
Internet - 55
Health - 30
Car - 120
Phone -55
Gas - 60
Cats - 55
Food - 100
Misc - 100
Student loan - 50
Doctor bill - 50
Credit - 50
Savings - 100
--------------------
1575 --> 1600 minimum needed monthly income.
after taxes..
1800 before taxes.
20 hours a week = 20.8$ per hour.
25 hours a week = 16.65$ per hour
30 hours a week= 13.87$ per hour
40 hours a week = 10.40$ per hour.
now there are some places cheaper than 650 that i'm looking at.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1WP0IMGblhAjvwK-YNkDH8QgRn1xao-ieJZMq_2g7YDY/edit?usp=sharing
with cheaper than 650 rent ... lets say 525?
Rent : 525
Utilities - 100
Internet - 55
Health - 30
Car - 120
Phone -55
Gas - 60
Cats - 55
Food - 100
Misc - 100
Student loan - 50
Doctor bill - 50
Credit - 50
Savings - 100
--------------------
1450 --> 1500 minimum needed monthly income.
after taxes..
so lets say 1700
20hours a week =$19.75
30 hours a week = 13.25
40 hours a week = 9.90
if we go even cheaper...485?
Rent : 485
Utilities - 100
Internet - 55
Health - 30
Car - 120
Phone -55
Gas - 60
Cats - 55
Food - 100
Misc - 100
Student loan - 50
Doctor bill - 50
Credit - 50
Savings - 100
--------------------
1410 --> 1500
so... the same.
I need to find a part time job that pays 13.25 minimum.
jobs:
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?cmp=Dirks-Chiropractic&t=Chiropractic+Assistant+Receptionist&jk=2e73b4295bc25969&q=Receptionist&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?cmp=Yotaron-Enrichment-%26-Resource-Center&t=Administrative+Assistant&jk=c0b6ff019e9c223c&q=Receptionist&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=3a8ec13e8865da5e&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=d1577ee165abbbe5&q=Receptionist&l=Greenville%2C+NC&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=web&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=d1577ee165abbbe5&q=Receptionist&l=Greenville%2C+NC&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=web&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=5104507a326fd047&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=13c860fd3f561b0c&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=ddcb3e8461963e82&tk=1dfjunfqh280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=1529306a9c4fc992&tk=1dfjub2po280l003&from=serp&vjs=3
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Frustrated...
I don’t even really know how to explain how I’m feeling.
Frustration is the only word that comes close.
I know that Jimmie and I are not a couple anymore.
There is still a level of intimacy between us that isn’t quite platonic.
We have been getting along so well the past several weeks.
It really makes me think that if I had just waited to break up with him, and given the together but separate route a chance... we’d be doing this well but together. But then I remember that he also wasn’t in a place where he could emotionally handle a relationship... and in the situation we have there is obviously less pressure.
I like how we are right now. the lightness in our interactions.
But it feels fragile to me.
I have this deep love for him.
An acceptance and understanding at the situation.
And I feel sure about our standing in each others lives...
Until someone we knew asks me how we are doing and I have to say we broke up...
Until I hear him call me his ex-girlfriend...
Until I have to call him my ex-boyfriend...
I want to get back together with him. I know it may be years from now.. but I still have that hope.
We both have things other than romance to focus on and I’m okay with that. But I still see him in my future and hope that this new “normal” that we have will last until we get back together.
...
I feel at ease with the fact that it may be after we both graduate school before we are a couple again.... but why do I feel so.... frustrated? Angry? Hurt? When the word “my ex-“ get used.. or when someone who knew us as a couple thinks it’s suddenly okay to try to make a move on me?
I like this casual relationship I have with him; let’s me be with him without any heaviness and I love the playfulness that has returned between us, and I don’t get frustrated until something comes along and threatens it.
It makes me worry at how fragile our casual thing is.
I’m still in love with him.
He is not the focus of my life anymore, but I am still in love with him.
And fuck anyone who I tell that to and still tries to make a move.
I think the frustration comes from my not being able to claim him.
And since he doesn’t claim me, others think they have a chance.
It’s.. frustrating.
I am my own... but my heart is still his. I take comfort in that he doesn’t seem to genuinely be looking for anyone else... and I enjoy this fun light hearted thing we have now. I want it to be strong enough to last after I move out.
I’m fine with the together but not together until someone tries to get in the middle of it.
It makes me feel... disrespected.
Frustration is the only word that comes close.
I know that Jimmie and I are not a couple anymore.
There is still a level of intimacy between us that isn’t quite platonic.
We have been getting along so well the past several weeks.
It really makes me think that if I had just waited to break up with him, and given the together but separate route a chance... we’d be doing this well but together. But then I remember that he also wasn’t in a place where he could emotionally handle a relationship... and in the situation we have there is obviously less pressure.
I like how we are right now. the lightness in our interactions.
But it feels fragile to me.
I have this deep love for him.
An acceptance and understanding at the situation.
And I feel sure about our standing in each others lives...
Until someone we knew asks me how we are doing and I have to say we broke up...
Until I hear him call me his ex-girlfriend...
Until I have to call him my ex-boyfriend...
I want to get back together with him. I know it may be years from now.. but I still have that hope.
We both have things other than romance to focus on and I’m okay with that. But I still see him in my future and hope that this new “normal” that we have will last until we get back together.
...
I feel at ease with the fact that it may be after we both graduate school before we are a couple again.... but why do I feel so.... frustrated? Angry? Hurt? When the word “my ex-“ get used.. or when someone who knew us as a couple thinks it’s suddenly okay to try to make a move on me?
I like this casual relationship I have with him; let’s me be with him without any heaviness and I love the playfulness that has returned between us, and I don’t get frustrated until something comes along and threatens it.
It makes me worry at how fragile our casual thing is.
I’m still in love with him.
He is not the focus of my life anymore, but I am still in love with him.
And fuck anyone who I tell that to and still tries to make a move.
I think the frustration comes from my not being able to claim him.
And since he doesn’t claim me, others think they have a chance.
It’s.. frustrating.
I am my own... but my heart is still his. I take comfort in that he doesn’t seem to genuinely be looking for anyone else... and I enjoy this fun light hearted thing we have now. I want it to be strong enough to last after I move out.
I’m fine with the together but not together until someone tries to get in the middle of it.
It makes me feel... disrespected.
Friday, July 5, 2019
roller coaster
so....
For a split second... everything was fine.
I had my whole living situation figured out.
Jimmie and I are getting along great and the new sense of normalcy at everything was feeling comfortable.
Aaron and Amy are talking to me more often.
Then Brandon said he might have to back out of living with me... okay. so i asked nick and he was totally down to take that over.
small hiccup, but its fine.
...
as of today i had no roommates lined up.
my car's tire was a ticking time bomb of blowing.
without roommates and if i don't find replacements ASAP i'm going to lose the apartment i have lined up.
best case scenario i end up living with two total strangers.
worst case i'm out $100 and staying at jimmies a little longer until i figure something else out. (sucks about the money but not terrible)
but i have two people to meet sunday.
I got to see Sam, and its been FOREVER since i've seen him. gods above i miss him.
my car stuff only took $60 to fix.
i'm trying not to panic. I'm trying.
For a split second... everything was fine.
I had my whole living situation figured out.
Jimmie and I are getting along great and the new sense of normalcy at everything was feeling comfortable.
Aaron and Amy are talking to me more often.
Then Brandon said he might have to back out of living with me... okay. so i asked nick and he was totally down to take that over.
small hiccup, but its fine.
...
as of today i had no roommates lined up.
my car's tire was a ticking time bomb of blowing.
without roommates and if i don't find replacements ASAP i'm going to lose the apartment i have lined up.
best case scenario i end up living with two total strangers.
worst case i'm out $100 and staying at jimmies a little longer until i figure something else out. (sucks about the money but not terrible)
but i have two people to meet sunday.
I got to see Sam, and its been FOREVER since i've seen him. gods above i miss him.
my car stuff only took $60 to fix.
i'm trying not to panic. I'm trying.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Oh yeah
Oh btw that thing that I almost missed and wasn’t even aware of it, the one that deals with my day to day and could play a huge impact on my future?
It was my assistantship.
Or rather I was not in the running for receiving one because I had all online classes for the fall. So I dropped one and signed up for it as an on campus class.
So I will most likely meet someone from that class or assistantship that could impact my future.
Cool.
I will now have a day job 20 - 25 hours(assistantship)
2 online classes
1 on campus class
And work bistro 15 -20 hours (4 shifts a week)
Speaking of... I need to write that article for bistro.
It was my assistantship.
Or rather I was not in the running for receiving one because I had all online classes for the fall. So I dropped one and signed up for it as an on campus class.
So I will most likely meet someone from that class or assistantship that could impact my future.
Cool.
I will now have a day job 20 - 25 hours(assistantship)
2 online classes
1 on campus class
And work bistro 15 -20 hours (4 shifts a week)
Speaking of... I need to write that article for bistro.
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