Hermit

 The Hermit.

I need to Retreat... 

I need to retreat. I want to be alone. I want to enter a cocoon and grow so that I can emerge a stronger woman. I want to be able to embolden those around me and intimidate weak men. I want to be seen for my strength and not just my weakness. 

I want to retreat. I want to be alone. 

I could have grown on my own with a partner.. with the RIGHT partner.. but for now I am alone. I am at peace with this. 

I need to care for myself. Spend time for myself. Do things that I enjoy, alone or with friends, but ultimately for myself. I am not afraid. And I am not alone... 

I have brigid by my side. She who guides me and walks with me all of this life. 

I have maeve at my back, reinforcing my strength, waiting for me to take the next step. 

I have Aine in my heart. She reminds me that this pain is temporary, that I have given so much love to others it is time to turn it to myself. When I am ready, another will enter my life. 

I have Demeter, whom I have not forgotten. May she help me grow the seeds I intend to plant. 

And for now.... I have Lilith. She who I do not yet know, but she who will be the catalyst, the inspiration, and the motivation for my transformation. 

I want to throw myself into my work..

I have work books that I plan to get and go through. 

• - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1674923430/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=emergence333-20&linkId=b940a925c9341564b094e1530a084d40&language=en_US&fbclid=IwAR1r_YmlVuT4GZSCAoUxskFUq5UAmQNUGkKuzFtuszostzFJcMVIIhMOHWU
• - https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Who-You-Are-Transformation/dp/1726635139/ref=pd_sbs_14_1/132-6513599-4394242?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1726635139&pd_rd_r=6d4a27d6-4e70-4998-b6d8-b6d66306970d&pd_rd_w=lJtZ4&pd_rd_wg=umA7o&pf_rd_p=b65ee94e-1282-43fc-a8b1-8bf931f6dfab&pf_rd_r=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2&psc=1&refRID=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2 ^ Might give this to Lexi? Chandler? Invite them over for witchy nights. 
• - https://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Work-Journal-Workbook-Illuminate/dp/1091407843/ref=pd_sbs_14_5/132-6513599-4394242?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1091407843&pd_rd_r=6d4a27d6-4e70-4998-b6d8-b6d66306970d&pd_rd_w=lJtZ4&pd_rd_wg=umA7o&pf_rd_p=b65ee94e-1282-43fc-a8b1-8bf931f6dfab&pf_rd_r=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2&psc=1&refRID=YVFR36Z4V1X7DP1ZB8F2

I want to get active again. 

I want to withdraw from the whole of society, just for a time, and emerge a stronger better woman. But this is a change I can only make for myself. I cannot *lean* on others for this. I may invite others to my space as a safe space for healing, but overall this will be a solitary journey - lest a guide manifest to go with me. I will not close off people... but I will not seek them. 

I will go to work 5 days a week. 

I will alternate going to the gym with working in the work books/spiritual growth. 

I will cook and meal prep. 

When school starts, I will factor that into the cycle. 

I am not half of a person... I have not lost a part of myself in this breakup. However I am two halves of a person and its time i bring them together. 

The first step is getting Chandler employed. Then getting me into a place on my own. 

I have gone through the tower, now its time to be the hermit. 

But I can't do that if i'm still living with them. 

Not the one for me... heres why.

Viking Man wasn't the one...Dalton... wasn't the one. 

If you remember, I did a love spell/petitioned a love goddess just before I met Dalton. 

At first glance he seemed to have hit all 5 of my requirements I asked the love goddess for. I received the signs for the "all clear" to date him.  Everything seemed to align. 

But looking at them again... Dalton doesn't fit ANY of the 5 requirements... 

Mandatory traits
1. Nonabusive high emotional intelligence
2. Family oriented
3. Witchy (faerie Witchy preferred - spiritual at the very least)
4. Compatible with emotional needs and lifestyle
5. Relationship geared towards long term autonomous growth

1- he was non abusive... but not with high emotional intelligence. 

2- He HAS a family... a son.. but he himself is not family oriented. 

3- he started out spiritually inclined but gave that up VERY quickly. 

4 - he was not compatible with all of my emotional needs ( a lot of them yes... but some pretty big ones? no) nor was he compatible with my life style. 

5 - this one. This is the ultimate reason we broke up. 

Dalton wasn't the one, but he showed me a more clear vision of what I want. 

I loved how childlike and playful our relationship was. Nothing was ever very serious and he encouraged me to be spiritual.. but he didn't join me. He raised my standards and kept me from going back to jimmie. 

He accomplished what it was he was meant to. But he wasn't the one for me. 

hug

 I want comfort. 

I want to be held by someone who makes me feel safe.

I want to disregard the entire world, and just fall away into a world of soft blankets, pillows, anime, and nature. 

I want to be surrounded by people or surrounded by spirits. 

I want to actually feel loved... not through words, not through physical touch, but through energy. I want to feel the energy of love. 

I want warm broth, with lots of flavors. 

I want to be bundled up in comfort. 

at the very least I need a fucking hug. 

But not a pity hug. Not a hug that is done out of desperation to make me feel better and frustration that they can't. I just want a hug that's got love in it. not sadness.

and you'll never guess the only person who came to mind. 

Begging

I beg my lungs to inflate, 

to fill with air,

to speak your name or scream, 

- that I do not know. 

I beg my heart to keep beating, 

despite wanting to lurch from my chest. 

To run towards you or from you,

- That I do not know. 

I beg my legs to hold me up,

put one foot in front of the other. 

To walk me forward or off a ledge,

- that I do not know. 

What I do know is, 

when you told me all was over,

I got on my hands and knees

and I begged. 

No More Viking Man

 So.... I was never going to break up with him. I was talking big so that I could confront him. 

I didn’t even get anywhere on my list past the wedding when he broke up with me. Last night. He claimed that he was too selfish and emotionally distant to be a decent boyfriend to anyone. 

Today I called him out on that being an excuse. Every person has a core flaw. Mine is dependency. His is selfishness. I was willing and able to accept and love him despite it. You can’t change your core flaw... you can manage and control it but it will always be there. 

So I wanted the real reason. 

And there it was. Same thing as Jimmie. 

“I don’t want to be with you”

“I want to be alone”

And just like that. With two days left till our year mark.

We are officially done. Nail in the coffin. 

Going to try and work it as roommates seeing as our lease doesn’t run up till July. 

I am so tired of investing myself, mind body spirit into someone only to hear the words “I love you but I don’t want to be with you” as soon as I finally let go of my final defenses. 

Re-Evaluating My relationship

 I love Viking Man. 

I can see myself marrying Viking Man. 

I honestly can't see myself or my life without him. 

But. 

I have been through enough disrespect in my past relationships I will not be tolerating any more. 

We were set to go to my grandmother's wedding this weekend. 

it's going to be emotionally taxing. It's going to be a long and exhausting drive. 

I wanted my boyfriend for support. 

Even though he said he didn't want to, he agreed to go. 

Yesterday he tell me there is a chance he could get a puppy (mind you, a puppy that doesn't fit our lifestyle and comes with a whole boatload of issues and could easily rack up over a grand in vet visits a year... but did he look into the breed? no. he likes it because he thinks it is cute) this weekend so he doesn't know if he is going to the wedding. 

If the guy never messages him - he will go to the wedding. 

If the guy says he can get the pup before the wedding - he won't go to the wedding because he doesn't want to get a puppy and leave it right after. for two days. TWO FUCKING DAYS. 

If the guy says he can come see the pup friday or saturday - he's not going to the wedding. 

The disrespect is unreal. 

1) He FINALLY said that he would wait to get a dog until we moved out of this apartment. I allowed myself to relax. Stop stressing. I had time.... Now he's going back on it. 

 --- This is an ongoing trend. He constantly says he will do something and then backs out at the last second. I am getting fed up. 

--- Getting a dog is inconsiderate to our roommates, myself, and our neighbors to say the least. And i told him when we first met that inconsideration was my biggest turn-off/pet peeve. 

2) He is missing possibly his only chance to meet my grandmother. 

3)He has proven once again that my opinion on the dog that he gets doesn't matter - which is incredibly disrespectful and inconsiderate considering I will be living with it too. That or he doesn't expect our relationship to actually last and thus my opinion would be insignificant. So either he's an asshole or he doesn't actually think this relationship will work. 

4) He is choosing the possibility of getting a dog over me. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel. 

5) Ive already told him in the past he HAS to give me time to dog proof my room so the cats have space. Meaning i need to find and set up a super durable baby gate. Can't do that if i'm 8 hours away, alone, at my grandmother's wedding. 

6) EDIT: This is also the second time he has put his wants over me needing him for support. 

I love him but I have had to choose self respect and self love over a partner in the past. 

I am not going to stand for this. 

He can either fucking wait until we are out of the apartment, get a different fucking dog, NOT get it this weekend, or I honestly don't know if I can stay in this relationship - as amazing as it is in other aspects. I will not let myself be treated like a doormat again. Getting a dog is not a small decision and the fact that I get no say in the matter only goes to show he doesn't actually value me as a partner.  

I don't know if I somehow pissed off Oshun when I gave her my thank you offering but this definitely was unexpected. 

and to be clear it is not technically a dog we would be breaking up over, although I wouldn't have moved in with him if he already had one, its the disrespect of the situation. 

Academic Planning MS Tourism and Hospitality

 okay so it has come to my attention that i didn't write out the fact that I switched mjors in school?????

i went looking for the academic blog post about what I have remaining for school so I could plan my next and LAST semester... and realized.... I didn't make it. 

huge ball drop for me, really. So last semester I jumped ship, left the MBA for a new start in the best major ever: Sustainable tourism and Hospitality. 

By doing so I shaved off at least a year and a half of school time AND a class from both my sociology semester and my MBA semester counted towards needed electives.

So This is the course load for the entire degree:

** HOWEVER #3 can be replaced by 2 Options in #2. 

1. Core - 24 s.h.

• HMGT 6310 - Strategic Management of Conventions and Special Events
• HMGT 6400 - Critical Analysis of Food Service and Beverage Management Systems
• HMGT 6410 - Strategic Management of Lodging Operations
• HMGT 6420 - Current Issues and Strategies in Hospitality Management
• SUTO 6000 - Principles of Tourism and Sustainability
• SUTO 6100 - Environmental Systems and Sustainability
• SUTO 6200 - Development and Management of Sustainable Tourism
• SUTO 6300 - Policy and Planning for Sustainable Tourism

2. Elective - 3 s.h.

Choose from the following courses:

• ICS 7007 - Research Design in Marine and Coastal Studies
• ECON 6301 - Econometrics I
• GEOG 6150 - Quantitative Methods in Geography
• OMGT 6123 - Quantitative Methods
• PLAN 6301 - Computer Applications for Planning and Development
• PSYC 6430 - Statistics and Research Design
• RCSC 6110 - Research Methods in Recreation Sciences
• RCSC 6300 - Statistics and Analysis in Health and Human Performance
• SOCI 6212 - Social Statistics and
• SOCI 6213 - Social Statistics Laboratory
• SOCI 6488 - Seminar in Research Methods and Design
• SOCI 6500 - Qualitative Methods

3. Internship or special topics - 3 s.h.

• SUTO 6400 - Sustainable Tourism Internship or
• SUTO 6710 - Special Topics in Sustainable Tourism

Are you ready to see the kicker? 

* GREEN is what I have already FINISHED

* BLUE is for what I am CURRENTLY in. 

* YELLOW is what I need to take. 

1. Core - 24 s.h.

• HMGT 6310 - Strategic Management of Conventions and Special Events - Spring 2020
• HMGT 6400 - Critical Analysis of Food Service and Beverage Management Systems
• HMGT 6410 - Strategic Management of Lodging Operations
• HMGT 6420 - Current Issues and Strategies in Hospitality Management - spring 2020
• SUTO 6000 - Principles of Tourism and Sustainability
• SUTO 6100 - Environmental Systems and Sustainability
• SUTO 6200 - Development and Management of Sustainable Tourism - Spring 2020
• SUTO 6300 - Policy and Planning for Sustainable Tourism

2. Elective - 3 s.h.

Choose from the following courses:

• ICS 7007 - Research Design in Marine and Coastal Studies
• ECON 6301 - Econometrics I
• GEOG 6150 - Quantitative Methods in Geography
• OMGT 6123 - Quantitative Methods - Fall 2019
• PLAN 6301 - Computer Applications for Planning and Development
• PSYC 6430 - Statistics and Research Design
• RCSC 6110 - Research Methods in Recreation Sciences
• RCSC 6300 - Statistics and Analysis in Health and Human Performance
• SOCI 6212 - Social Statistics and
• SOCI 6213 - Social Statistics Laboratory
• SOCI 6488 - Seminar in Research Methods and Design - Spring 2019
• SOCI 6500 - Qualitative Methods

Bruh... I have a SINGLE class left next semester.

Now I plan to take a Graduate level human resources class (MGMT 6832) just to have that fresh in my mind when I graduate and I feel more confident getting an HR job. --- Will not let me take it :(

Do I take a third class (ENGL 7465) to remain a full time student? Or do I bite the bullet and begin to pay back my student loans... ?