Too fast (writing excerpt)

 She didn’t mean to stare, but the movement caught her eye and the moment she saw him removing his armor she was trapped, like a moth caught in the glow of a lamp. She had known he was beautiful, had seen the tips of his tattoos peaking at his wrists, but she was unprepared for the way the beautiful black ink worked its way in captivating patterns encircling every inch of his muscled arms. Nor had she anticipated the way she would suddenly have the desire to trace those patterns with her tongue. His black undershirt caught as he removed the breastplate, giving her a glimpse of his abdomen as he raised his arms. She felt her lips part as she took in the defined V of his hips.

Blushing she turned her back to him as she fought to keep her thoughts from wandering. What would his skin feel like if she ran her hands from those beautiful lines and up his torso? Curiosity burned within her, wondering if he kept his chest smooth or if she would find hair to entwine her fingers in. Did his tattoos go past his shoulders? Did they connect under his clavicle or did they run to his chest? What did his back look like? She had seen how the definition of the sleek muscles showed beneath the tight cloth of his shirts… she closed her eyes, he fingers splayed at her side as she imaged in his flesh beneath her roaming palms. 

Her resolve broke and she peeked over her shoulder. She lightly bit her lower lip as her eyes soaked in his lean, defined form. For a moment she forgot how to breathe, her heart sped up and she soaked him in. Her eyes trailed their way up his form, widening when they met his; she turned forward, a blush blooming on her cheeks. She heard a quiet chuckle and gulped when she heard his pants hit the group. She closed her eyes and fought to get her racing heart to quiet in her chest, lest he hear it from across the room. The incense smoke did little to clear her hazy thoughts and she breathed in deeply, determined to maintain her composure. 

“I’m not opposed to you looking”, he said gently behind her. She jumped out of her skin as his hand touched her shoulder. “If something pleases you, you should enjoy it.”

With a nervous laugh she shifted away, cursing herself silently as her eyes dipped for the mere breath of a second and felt a bit of relief at the sight of his soft black pants. The motion, as quick as it was, did not escape him, a slow subtle smirk drifted across his lips. She gulped and pointed her nose, turning her face away in a faux arrogance that she hoped would push him away. Her heartbeat was too loud in her ears, her breaths turned shallow. 

“Nothing here to tempt me. A human body is just that, a human body.” Her voice quivered, giving her away. He moved like a cat, the confidence of experience rolling off of him leisurely. She stiffened anxiously, willing her shoulders not to pinch up protectively. She wasn’t fooling anyone. Although not totally pure, she knew she was a far cry away from the priest of a sex god. Suddenly she felt as if she were a virgin again, unease pooling in her abdomen and putting out the embers of heat that had slowly been glowing to life. Caught in his gaze she felt like a prey animal caught in a trap. 

His smirk dropped into a soft line and he took a step back, his hands palms up in a gesture of peace.  Suddenly his eyes lost their own heat and she watched as he shifted from a predator about to pounce, to someone  on the defensive. He kept his eyes on mine as he moved back, every movement calculated. 

“Its okay.” He whispered, his finger gently pointing towards the door. Her cheeks burned hotter than before, embarrassment creeping up her neck. She fought the urge to run out the door, instead attempting to move with as little dignity she possessed.

 Once in the hall she fought back tears, what just happened? The two of them had been eye fucking each other for weeks. Being in the same room, surrounded by acolytes, the pull between them set her body ablaze. But being alone with him in that room was something totally different. There was no illusion, there was no daydream, it was too real. Suddenly everything his heated gaze seemed to promise felt like a threat. Once she was sure he wouldn’t hear, she ran at full speed, not stopping until she made it to her room and she slammed the door shut. 

What was wrong with her? She’d had sex in the past. She was not a novice. She had been called a goddess herself once or twice, it wasn’t as if she didn’t know what she was doing. But he was still a stranger to her. They had done little more than make small talk in the past several weeks.  She made her way to the bed and curled up beneath the blankets. The sound of the slowing pace of her racing heart thrummed in her ears; still seeing the glimpses of him behind her eyes, her winding confused thoughts lulled her into an uneasy sleep. 

The wild self

"The wildness in ourselves is that part of us that longs to live close to the nature - at one with the land, the seasons, the stars. It is that part of us that longs to walk barefoot in the grass, to swim nakes in a river; to lie beneath the sun, sensing the deep earth beneath us, and feeling the cool breeze across our skin. It is also that part of our perception and comprihension that is inherent, not learned or aquired - the heritage of the insuitive and instinctive wisdom that is our birthright."

It recommends sitting in a sweat house or doing a ritual under the full moon to help coax out the wild self, afterall it will take time - its been repressed and denied by our society for a very long time. 

Perhaps I should do a makeshift one; sitting in the shower with the candles lit. Sort of like the ritual baths I would do. 

Bardic Practicum 1

  “What do the Druids and Druidry mean to me?”

The druids are our spiritual celtic ancestors. They were the poets, the story tellers, the oracles, the healers, the spiritual leaders and the link between the mundane and the divine. They worked with magic, divination, spirit, and plants. 

To me this manifests through the bardic magic. 

Spells and spirit work through poetry, messages through dance and daydream. 

The term druid has always been heavily associated with nature and plants, and thus I havn't really ever felt a call or connection to it. However, I have felt connected to "Bard" which Ihave learned was a specific type of druid. 

Magic and energy manupilation through music. Messages from the gods or my guides through music. Meanings hidden under the lyrics... hearing the lyrics opening me up to feel the emotion and intention that the gods/guides send through. Manifesting my hopes and desires for myself through the daydreams and stories I write. 

Thats Bardic. 

Charged prayers, spells, in the form of poetry have always been a better way for me to release the energy and intention as opposed to more imitative or contagious forms of waitcraft. 

I started out bardic. I moved away from it in an attempt to assimmilate to the practices around me. 

But I am a Bardic witch; chatoic witch; eclectic pagan. I am working my way up to being an oracle, but I have a very long way to go. I have the potential... but just like in OBOD, I must master the bardic practices first. 

So while I would not call myself a druid, I know that I will find their teachings and practices helpful on my journey. 

Awen 1

 All that I long for, to hear and see 

Teases me gently just out of reach 

The gods, the fae, spirits, and such 

I long to feel their embrace and touch. 

My own divinity hidden within 

Feels chained and trapped beneath meat and skin. 

My own power is there, if I only just believe;

The one I should give my faith, truly, is me.

Bonding

 Okay so my therapist made me feel a bit better about not being able to bond and form attachments very easily. 

Essentially, there is nothing "wrong" that needs "fixing" when it comes to fearful-attachment; its just something to keep in mind when patterns emerge. 

as for my inability to attach to people, that is because I feel like there is no bond. I have only ever known trauma bonding.  

"Trauma bonding is when a deep attachment develops from a cycle of physical and/or emotional abuse or trauma followed by positive reinforcement. Trauma bonds most commonly develop in romantic relationships, and leaving these relationships can be very hard."

""A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment."

When all you know is a cycle of rollercoaster emotions, with extreme highs and lows, when that is lacking and instead replaced with a very slow and steady pattern of behavior it is perceived as boring and none existent. 

All (highs and lows) or Nothing is what i feel when it comes to bonding with other people. 

I do have relationships in my life that are not trauma bonds, but they took a VERY long time to develop, and usually developed while I was trauma bonded to someone else; helping me cope.

I don't have a trauma bond up here - so there is no give and take to keep me attached to someone. I don't have a trauma bond to need help with dealing with to help me attach to friends. 

I am have to learn how to bond with people in a healthy way... which apparently means slowly. very slowly. 

Essentially I need a frog in hot water kind of bond. it heats up slowly and without me noticing it until boom - I realize I actually care about a person. 

Daily Prompt

 the last one was one I ws behind on. 

Todays: One thing I wish people knew about me is how lost I feel, and how much I truly long to connect to the important things around and within me. 

I need the time to do so. I need the space to do so. 

I genuinley feel like I need a spiritual retreat; theres a buddhist monestary here that I am curious if they accept over night visitors. 

Daily Reflection

I am devoted to my purpose in life.

What is my purpose?

To lead people to personal power and healing through spirituality and religion. 

To be a spiritual leader and healer. 

I am persuing this by getting a M.Div in interfaith chaplaincy so that I have a practical degree for career options. 

But deep down I want to open my own business  so that I can go to events and festivals as a vendor so do my readings; while at the same time (if possible) occupying a space as a community spiritual leader - either as a chaplain, at a intentional community, or at a health retreat.