changing jobs

So it is becoming abundantly clear that I will need to find another job. The work life balance preached here is so back and forth.... I do't check emails over the weekend and my boss says thats a problem. I do check emails over the weekend and thats a problem. 

but I have ADHD. My brain moves super fast. That means I will occasioanlly mis read an email... or have to make a double trip because I didn't realize i needed two of something instead of one. 

But I got written up over it. "failure to communicate up to standards" and whatever else they put on the paper that I didn't get to read. 

$0 rent --> use student load to pay off starting august (can start new job in september/october)

$55 internet 

$100 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$400 personal loan 

$400 credit ($200, $200, $50)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$376 health insurance

$117 student loans 

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$300 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

----------------------------

2518/x = 80/100

31475.5 before taxes x 12 = 37,770

so 39K a year minimum for a new job. So about 20 an hour. 

But that would't be doable until I got my refund in September. 

$1095 rent --> until sept. oct?

$55 internet 

$80 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$270 personal loan 

$150 credit ($80, 30, 40)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$320 health insurance (change in jobs would lower it?)

$100 student loans (change in jobs would lower it?)

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$200 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

-------------------------------------------------

3050 x 80/100 = 

3812.5 x 12 = 45,750 = 46K minimum. 

I need to look for something that has less moving parts or requires less "critical thinking" since aparently thats where I'm fucking up.... so looks like going back to customer service. 

In the event that I have to take on an even lower paying job...

$0 rent --> use student load to pay off starting august (can start new job in august)

$55 internet 

$100 utilities -- I will pay for electric only but idk what that will look like. 

$270 personal loan 

$400 credit ($200, $200, $50)

$70 Joint membership 

$235 car payment

$90 car insurance 

$15 renters insurance

$320 health insurance

$100 student loans 

$70 pets

$25 subscriptions ($9 hulu, $7 pandora, $1 cloud space,7 peacock)

$80 gas 

$50 savings 

$75 Roth IRA

$200 Groceries

$50 - liquidatable investiments

$100 - misc

--------------------------------------------

2305 x 80/100 = 2881.25 

2900 x 12 = 34,800 = 35K or 17 an hour. 

but that would be in october...

Can I make it that long?

 

bruh wtf

 My boss has been a great landlord. He really helpe dme out by not making me pay a deposit when I moved. I was in a month to month lease - just had to give 60 days notice. 

I gave more than 60 days notice. 

I am fully moved out June 10th. 

He's making me pay a full month's rent for June. Only if someone moves in by the 15th will he refund me for the second hald of the month.... HOW IS THAT LEGAL????????

Like what the fuck?????

I will now have to pay two whole fucking months rent PLUS a full month's rent as a deposit in June. 

$1250 - June rent to my boss

$2082.50 - move in costs 

$45 gas for the move; I will be making so many trips at 32 miles round trip that it will be about a tank

----------------

$3377.5

BRUH. 

I have the move in costs in my savings but this will completley liquidate it. I was counting on only having to pay 10 days worth of rent to my boss. 

What the actual FUCK. 

What is this?

 I need to identify this emotion. 

It’s not frustration 

It’s not disappointment 

It’s not sad 

It’s not angry 

It similar to all of them. 

It’s sits in my rubs and burns up into my chest or down into my stomach.

Makes me feel lethargic. 

It’s not depression or grief - those are colder emotions. 

This is a hot emotion. 

It’s not anxiety although that may be the closest? 

I can tell that I’m feeling reclusive. I’m agitated and lonely and agitated that I’m lonely and agitated at the idea of being around people. 

I want to be alone. I’m mad but I’m not mad. 

I’m just filled with this emotion and it makes me want to lay down and do nothing or scream or go numb. 

I’m definitely headed into a depressive episode. 

Fucking asshole. 

Withdrawl

 I can recognize that I'm feeling withrawl symptoms from the consistent nuerotransmitters I was getting over the past month from gamer boy. 

Its the feelings of withdrawl that make me freaking stupid and want to reconnect. (He has no way of contacting me, but I could easily meet up with him if I wanted to, since it was me that always went to his place or met him at the gym)

I need to find otherways of getting the brain chemical hits that I am craving because my initial addiction is rearing its ugly head (downer pills). I need to be very freaking careful because last night I took 2 of my anxiety pills (to counter the adhd med induced insomnia) and the pleasure I felt when they hit.. reminded me why i'm a fucking addict in the first place. 

so lets look at the culptrits in question:

"Love" (oxytocin) + "pleasure" (dopamine) + "happiness" (serotonin)

Non drug or dating related ways of getting them:

• Oxytocin
• Listening to music and singing
• Cuddling with friends
• Petting and cuddling animals
• Exercise can release it
• Charity work/helping others
• Social activity
• Dopamine
• Sleep
• Singing
• exercise - dopamine seesaw eefect - also protects dopamine receptors
• eating protien
• Gut health = probiotics
• Serotonin
• Eating specific foods like: eggs, pineapples, poultry, oatmeal, chocolate
• exercise 
• GI tract health  = probiotics
• at least 15 minutes of sunlight
• sleep
• Social Activity 

Okay so going that actually explains why people go to the gym when depressed/break up  - scientifically it provides all the same brian chemicals as being in love & addiction. 

• Gym/mandatory walks/mandatory dancing
• Actually fucking sleeping
• Singing. I need to sing. Make myself sing in the car, in the shower, etc. 
• Make myself be social. 

bye bye gamer boy

 Well that was nice while it lasted. 

His toxic trait, which he swore he never engaged, came out to play about my biggest insecurity: my weight. AFTER I told him it was an insecurity of mine. 

He wanted to see pictures of the goth makeup I use to do so I sent him photos; but this was from YEARS ago, from before my thyroid said fuck you. So I was noticably skinner. He kept comparing me to back then, saying I looked like a totally different person. Then proceeded to start unsolicited gym advice on losing weight to try to get back to thar size. 

So I sent this:

"Weight has always been an issue for me. Back when I was that skinny I *wanted* to gain weight but couldn’t because I had an insane metabolism. I hated how skinny I was. Then because of BC my thyroid basically gave me the middle finger and I gain a lot of weight very quickly. Suddenly I hated how “fat” I was - in retrospect I really wasn’t that bad. But I got asked almost daily if I was pregnant because of how quickly I gained the weight. that obliterated my self image. 

Once I got that regulated I was able to drop the weight a bit but stayed in the 130-140 range, with it fluctuation by about 10 pounds off and on. Then I got hurt and stopped being active, gained more weight again. (160’s) 

Then after a while I started burlesque dancing as a way to help myself love my body instead of hating and punishing it. Through that I was able to realize that I was beautiful, even if I did jiggle a little. Most people in fact loved it. When I wasn’t performing I was working as stage crew for shows and was constantly moving; and that’s how I spent most weekends for about 2 years. 

The number didn’t change; I still stayed in the 160’s but I gained more muscle and slimmed down. During slower months I got a little softer; busier months it slimmed again. 

Then I moved here and I’m still consistently in the lower 160’s but I’m soft from basically hibernating all winter. once I start moving consistently again, the number will again probably stay the same but I’ll slim down. 

I  wouldn’t mind slimming down, but I know my body does that  naturally. it fluctuates like crazy but it’s all contingent on how active I am. I have forced myself not to look at the number and focus instead on how my body carries it. 

I don’t ever want to be as small as I was. I look back at those photos and 8/10 times I cringe at how thin I was. every now and then, when I’m feeling bad about my current body I’ll feel wistful but overall I do not ever want to be that tiny. 

I totally understand if that’s a turn off for you though."

His response:

"Full disclosure I think you were more attractive in your older photos since were on the subject, which I’m sure isn’t easy to hear. I don’t expect you to change your entire lifestyle for me or anything, nor do I expect you to change anything really. These are just the standards I set myself by. I definitely find fitness and healthy, consistent habits very attractive. Having that drive to make yourself be better for yourself is beyond attractive. It’s not all about looks, but we’re on the subject now so here’s my honest thoughts on it."

My response:

"There's a few ways I could respond to this, I'm trying to decide which way to go - regardless, tthat could have been worded with more tact and was uneccesarily mean. 

1) I said this was an insecurity of mine. 

2) you already said you prefer petite women. I'm not stupid. I can infer that you prefer me when I looked like a skeleton. 

So please tell me why you felt the need to open and close with that? What was the purpose other than to intentionally hurt my feelings (which you aknowledge "I'm sure isn't easy to hear")? Because that whole response you gave? Your toxic trait is showing. 

And if you want to talk about healthy consistent habits that promote growth and bettering yourself? Those skinny pictures of me were from when I was at my most unhealthy. I was drinking, suicidal, addicted to drugs, and in an abusive relationship with no backbone and no self esteem. The other two photos I had the exact same body I have now. And compared to all of those photos in terms of habits? I am considerably more healthy now than any of those times. 

There are ways of making onself better for the sake of growth that do not revolve around fitness. I'm not trying to sell myself to youbut I also won't down play how mcu I activley work on myself constantly. I work towards my career goals, my spiritual goals, my mental health, and although my physical health comes last, I am still working on that as well."

----------

I will say I was a coward and as soon as I saw he had read it and was typing a response I deleted him. I honestly didn't want to see what justifation he had - I more so wanted to point out how he was disrespectful and point out how narrow his views were. 

For the record: my weight is not unhealthy. I am just below the national average. I am beautiful. I am so beautiful in fact that people pay me money to see me and my body. So he can go kick rocks. 

I put up with rude comments like that (and worse) for about 5 years between Jimmie and Dalton/Viking man. I was not about to tolerate it from some new guy. He had balls of brass. 

I will miss the sex though. He was also a top notch cuddler. 

Budget comparison....

 Okay hear me out. 

I could take out  - $  14500in student loans to pay off all my debt.  OR

I could take out  - $13200 to pay my rent for the whole year which would give me more income to pay off my debt FASTER. comparison below. 

	Current	pay debt	pay rent
		14,500	13,200
Rent	1250	1095	0
internet	35	55	55
utilities	0	120	120
personal loan	271	0	400
Credit	160 (40,80,40)	0	350 (100, 200,50)
the joint	70	70	70
car payment	235	235	235
car insurance	90	90	90
health insurance	370	370	370
student loans	117	117	200
pets	70	70	70
subscriptions	17	17	17
gas	160	80	80
savings	75	75	100
Roth IRA	75	75	150
groceries	260	260	260
renters ins	0	12	12
audible	17	17	17
	2862	2758	2446

If I wanted I could afford to pay more on my debt/investment even more so. I might actually invest $100 a month in liquidatable stocks (Jack is willing to teach me). In either case - this would mean less money added to my student loans but also more money at my disposal in daily life. Might be able to save up for traveling! (back to NC, to see Rach & ellie, maybe take a vacation!!?) 

So when I get my financial aid package I will take out however much I need for tuition after the scholarships; + 13,200.

Update

 Ready player one.... 

introducing new character into my life: Code name Gamer Boy. 

Pros:

• Very communicative via text
• VERY appreciateive of direct and open communicaiton. I am learning I don't have to be subtle about it (like with Jimmie & Viking man); he is SO CHILL that I don't have to worry about him flying off the handle, even if its somthing he may not be happy about
• Has repeatedly said that even if he is disapointed by something that my comfort is the important thing. 
• He listens when I do have the courage to voice a concern then he MODIFIES to adapt to my boundaries, needs. 
• Honestly this one got me. His behavior matched his words. This is super big for me. 
• Even if our kinks don't toally line up he is very open to adapting to suit what works for me, compromise so othat we both get what we enjoy. 
• Very chill - balances out my INSANE level of energy and anxiety. 
• Is very open to hanging out with my friends so that he can spend time with me
• Wants to get out of the apartment and do fun things; winter is for being a home body, summer is for adventure. 
• Hes very pretty and always smells good
• Seems to be very patient and lets me be as playful as I want, doesn't seem to be bothered by how hyper I am or how much I talk. 
• Despite being a fitness nut himself, he likes that I am soft. 
• We havn;t discussed politics but from some side comments hes made I can tell we are more or less along the same lines.
• Plays video games - and actually continues to talk to me while playing (and inbetween sets at the gym) --> I could totally read while he plays if I get bored. 
• Honestly he is probably the best cuddler I have ever gotten to cuddle with. Like waking up covered in a sweat becuse we are wrapped up and both space heaters - and the cuddles are so good I can actually fall back asleep like that. The way that he plays with my hair T_T <3
• He likes my elf ears. Like totally cool with it when if I wear them out with him. 
• Likes horror movies (most movies tbh) - but not roller coasters (boo)
• Very physically affectionate. 

Cons:

• He has an issue with me burlesque dancing. This will have to be something we discuss more indepth in the future because thats going to be something he will have to get over when I do start dancing again. 
• He is SO QUIET; not really a con but it really makes me pay attention and makes it easy for me to get into my head. Will take learning. 
• Lives a very regimented life - he goes to the gym 4 days a week for like 2 hours, M-Th or T-F, however does make his weekends free; usually open F and Sun. 
• Very limited and specialized diet to coordinate with his fitness regiment. 
• Not a caretaker dom - but is willing to shift his sadism to match my boundaries and seems open to a lot of things i like. (Pro)
• Has been open about his toxic trait.... which is the same as Viking Man and Jimmie.. in the sense where he gets off on causing emotional distress in his partner; however he recognizes that it is toxic and doesn't indulge it. 
• Doesn't seem interested in discussing anything too indepth just yet, but that also might come with time. He has said that essentially he is more or less agnostic and doesn't really think about it/care. He did give me a funny look when I talked about getting messages from Maeve, however he tried to take it in stride and even cracked a joke. 
• Doesn't like to play horro games if someone is with him because it takes him out of the experience. T_T (I think we can work on this lol)