woolard :3

OK so... Woolard submitted my family to a church and we were chosen. for what? Sponsorship. They are going to sponsor us for X-mas.

the list i'm submitting:

2 pairs of headphones
black eyeliner
socks
Repo! the genetic opera soundtrack
phantom f the opera soundtrack
A breath of  Eyre by  Eve Marie Mont
Ash by Malinda Lo
Tempest Rising by Tracy Deebs
Forgive My Fins (Fins #1) by Tera Lynn Childs
Tangled Tides (The Sea Monster Memoirs #1)
by Karen Amanda Hooper


and now the computer teacher has given us some clothes.

i love teachers <3

frustrating

why is life so frustrating?
ok so i sent Ashley W this: 

WARNING: i'm about to do somthing stupid. please forgive me.
i'm sorry, but i need to know what is going on. I really like you, and i mean like, butterflies in my stomach when i see you sent me a message kind of "like". but if there is no chance of something happening i need to know so i can divert my attention elsewhere. you are an amazing girl. you are beautiful, funny, smart, spunky, and cool as hell. but, you have a boyfriend (which actually...doesn't bother me- that probably makes me a bad person lol) and i don't know what the situation is. So, i'm leaving the ball in your court, but i need to know

she replied

I'd like to still talk to you often, you're so unique and brighten my day and I still realllyyyy want to hang out with you sometime. But I'm trying to be faithful this time around.. I wish we had started talking more in depth like we did before I got with him, but he treats me well and doesn't hit me like the last guy, I feel it'd be unfair to him to just call it off outve the blue. But.. As much as it kills me to say this.. It might be better for you if you diverted your attention.. Penny for your thoughts?

i replied:


well, i don't see any harm with us just talking for now i see what you mean and i think it shows you have good character. i denfinitley want to keep talking, if that is cool with you?and we really do need to hang out so, we talk for now, and i will keep my eyes open for anyone who might catch my attention, and if something happens, god forbid, and you two split up (which i don't want to happen, because he makes you happy) i'll be here?

she replies:

Thank you for being understanding <3



... ...life is so frustrating....

strike three- she's out.

Sometimes i wish i wasn't me. >.<

i mean...

i'm gay. makes shit a lot harder. makes finding people i can date a lot harder.
i'm pagan. yaaaay judgmental people.
i'm lonley. woopdy-doo.
i'm frustrated and i am tired of being alone.

i'm a great person. i'm nice. i am compassionate. what the hell is wrong with me? why is it so damn hard to find someone else who can see that?

so, yeah. its not happening with Ashley walls. The universe has been trying to tell me this and i've been ignoring it. because i sucks. well now, it can't be ignored.

-today is the second time i've tried to arrange a meeting with her. Both times have fallen through.

-she has stopped talking to me. because she likes me. wtf? and i have a feeling it is because...

-she has a boyfriend.

its not going to work out. fuck.

i'm just mean tot be alone aren't i?

well i'm not going to fight it. its not going to happen with Ashley; fine i'll leave it be. i'll move on, even if it sucks.

lyrics i like

The pictures come to life,

wake in the dead of night

open my eyes,

i must be dreaming. 

clutch my pillow tight,

brace myself for the fight,

i've heard that seeing,

is believing. 

- Warrior by Beth Crowley

scene for "The Cat and The Jackal"

That was it. I was done. I looked at the F, the paper i had put some real heart in soul in, the paper that was A+ quality, had been vandalized and edited by the girl who hated me the most and then resubmitted. Not only had she laughed in my face, changed my report, but she ruined my grade. I could probably talk the teacher into letting me resubmit it if i could get proof that my paper had been altered, but none of my friends were talking to me. I had no one to speak up for me.

"Beloved Bast, mistress of happiness..." i began to say in a whisper but my voice trailed off as my eyes filled with tears.  Then i heard her snickering as she walked behind me, pausing only to whisper in my ear.

"Your tears.. the sustain me. Go back to your small down B****."

I stood up. Enough. Bast i have had enough. I thought as i walked out of the class room barley hearing the professor calling after me.

Where the hell was the car crash when i needed it? I wanted out. NOW. I was done with the expectations of life and society. I was done with being iced out by my friends. I was done with Logan's arrogant smirk. I was done with the universe always fighting against me in this life. I was done with this life.

"Bast, my beloved goddess, i am coming to see you." I said as i exited the building. I pushed past several people, catching several people's attention because i would never just push past someone unless there was something important going on. Which there was, though they didn't know it. My death. Tears began to roll down my face as a grim sort of excitement came into my heart. I was going to die. I was going to be free of the restrictions of this body. I was going to see Bast. To hear her voice again....

I saw my chance. There was heavy traffic in the street, several cars zooming by per second. If i were to step our there, noone would have time to stop... I set my jaw and walked faster in the direction of the street. I thought i heard someone yell my name but i didn't care. I saw my ticket home. Bast... please be there when i come over  i prayed, i was now maybe three feet from the road. Again someone yelled my name, i hesitated for a brief moment; what if someone needs my help? I shook my head, i help others all the time. Its time to do something for me.

My foot was one the road...and then i felt impact. I gasped as i was thrown back, hitting the ground hard enough to know the air out of my lungs, surprise and confusion clouded my thoughts. I wasn't hit by a car, the impact was from the opposite direction. When i remembered how to breathe i looked around and saw what hit me. Logan. I looked at the road, knowing that i wouldn't have that kind of resolve in a long time. My ticket to see Bast was gone. then i got pissed.

"What the hell!" i yelled turning to look at him. He kneeling close to me, panting as if he had just run a marathon. He glared at me.

"You are asking me that!? What were you thinking!" He growled standing up. Instead of answering him i looked back at the road, the zooming cars, what would have been my death. Gone. Tears flooded my eyes, but i tried to hold them back. Beloved Bast, mistress of happiness and bounty- I lost my focus as Logan bent down closer to me. He said my name, although he said it like a question, and his voice was much softer.

"Why did you stop me?" i asked, my voice cracking, a tear escaped and slid down my cheek. He shook his head and sighed.
"Why did you want out?" he said, he sounded unsure of what to do.
"Because i am tired. Tired of putting up with crap. Tired of being here one my own. Tired of being jealous of other people. Tired of fighting.  I am tired." I said, anger creeping into my voice. Then i looked him in the eyes, he could see my tears now, and it was through him i wanted to get my answer.

"When will i be free?" i asked. Logan's eyes grew harder , a spike of fear hit my heart, and Logan sighed.
"When you are ready to." he said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.I couldn't help it. My anger spiked past the fear and i slapped him. Yup. I slapped a god. way to go Lyza.

"I have been ready for years now!" i hissed, got to my feet and stormed off toward my room.
Breathe.
What?
Breathe.
I stopped walking. Breathe? Why did i think that? Did i think that? I didn't think that. A sudden calm came over me. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared. I was as tranquil as the wind blowing through the weeping willow by my dorm. I recognized this feeling, i had felt it only once before. Bast.She spoke to me. My eyes filled with tears, not of sorrow, but of joy. I thought i would never hear her voice again.

It was like someone had slipped a blanket over me, all the world was gone, i was safe and loved and warm. I felt her arms go around me, holding me to her bosom, and she stroked my hair. Then i wept. Eveything came out. How alone i felt, how much insignifigant i was, how scared i was, how the world just seemed to fight against me and nothing i did ever went right. How i slapped Anubis and how he terrified me. I asked her to help me. All she would do was hold me to her and rock me, stroking my hair and humming.

When i finally stopped sobbing and took a breathe the blanket was removed and i realized it was Anna who was holding me.

"Lyza i'm sorry. I know i overreacted. And if i ever see you try to kill yourself again i will kill you. You got me?" she said squeezing me tighter. Then she whispered in my ear; "Don't look, but Logan is behind a tree. I think he followed you to see that you were alright." Yeah...Logan followed me. Shit. I slapped Anubis.  At that moment my phone buzzed. I jumped, i had thought my phone died. It now said full battery. I laughed, thank you Bast.

Anna still held me as i answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"LYZA ARE YOU OKAY!?" came the very desperate voice of Pyro.  Turns out one of the people that saw me rush out of class called Pyro.
"I talked to the professor, he says if you can provide him with the original report, you can get a better grade and the hag will be receiving punishment. You can pass your class." He said, his voice was calmer, soothing. I told him how grateful i was and hung up. I wanted to nap. I hugged Anna and looked out for Logan. The coast was clear and i went off to find my nap wall.

I curled up in the patch of sunlight on my wall and relaxed. Bast actually spoke to me. to me. Amazing. I tried to focus and bring back the feeling of her presence, the comforting blanket feeling, not the killer cat feeling. As i did i tried to pray to her. I succeeded in bringing a lighter version of the feeling, and i got the impression that i didn't need to worry about Anubis. He wasn't really angry. he was probably laughing at me.

I began to drift in a sea of pleasantness. I was going to pass my class. Anna was talking to me again. ___ was going to get her karma. Bast was with me again. Logan...

i awoke again to the feeling of someone stroking my hair. I was no longer on the hard stones of the wall, instead i was leaned up against someone. I was out of the sun and under the shade of a tree, yet i was surrounded by warmth. i snuggled further against whoever was holding me. my hands rested on the person's shoulder. It was broad and muscled, though not bulging. I smiled, it was Pyro. I changed position, wrapping my arms around his neck and burring my face in the crook of his neck. I took a deep breath of contentment. He smelled spicy, like incense. Pryro didn't burn incense.

I kept my body relaxed though my mind went into a panic. He wasn't doing anything other than holding me and keeping me warm. I calmed down, and just accepted that apparently Logan was being nice to me. I knew it was because he felt sorry for me. He pitied me. This thought completely ruined my comfortable mood and all i wanted to do was get away from him. He seemed to sense this and let me go so i could slide away from him. I couldn't look at him. I was ashamed that he had seen me at such a weak point. I was less ashamed that Anubis saw it, he was use to seeing humans in weakened states. I didn't have to see Anubis everyday. Logan had seen me cry. He had seen me want to die.

"You are stronger than you think." He said after a few awkward moments of silence.
"What?" I said looking up, i still couldn't meet his eyes.
"Thats what he said when you stormed off. He said 'she is stronger than she thinks.' You may think that you are too tired to live, but that feeling, as you can see, doesn't last. I am begging you, do not leave before you are supposed to." there was something in his voice that made me look at him. His eyes were sincere and soft.

SAT scores

I just got my SAT scores.... i.am.pissed.

My previous scores were pretty decent. added p they made a 1660.
these new scores? added up equal a 1620.
WHAT.THE.F****.

old scores:

reading: 550
math: 570
Writing: 520

new scores:
reading: 610
math:490
writing:420

i did horrible! i went up in writing, but down in everything else!! what the hell!!!!!?
WHAT THE F****ING HELL!

thankfully it should take the bst out of both scores which would be 610, 570,520, which equal 1720. which will just have to work.

F*** IT ALL.

JUST F*** IT ALL.

SCREW EVERYTHING.

we have no money.
my jaw huts.
i need to get a job.
my grads are going down.
MY TEST SCORES ARE HORRIBLE.
Agnes Scott hasn't accepted my application yet.
i still need to take the ACT.
money issues.
scholarships.
I AM JUST F***ING DONE.

money spell

so... the only green candles i have are used to represent the gods, so i'm thinking of using a green crayon.

i burn some sage, to purify the air where i'll work (my room), then place the candle (crayon) on my make-shift alter. I'll place my idols (god representations) around, and then put the headband with the elements represented in the center. the candle will be in the center of it all, with the headband around it, then the gods around that.
**around the candle i will put some pennies?

(under the candle will be some toilet paper to catch any wax)

I will light the candle and say:

"Bring in money, not for greed
Bring in money that we need.
Bring in money this i plead,
Bring in money
so mote it be."

i will then take the pennies with the wax on them place them in my sacred box (makeshift alter) and say:

"Pennies to make prosperity flow, pennies to multiply, pennies to grow"

now i will only have thirty minutes AT THE MOST to do this if i do it tonight, but i want to do it tonight, the sooner the better.


i really hope it works....


here is the delema:

do it in my room, a place i feel safe, secure, and confidant... or do it outside with nature all around me.
i also have to keep in mind that i'm not allowed to practice any rituals in the house.
loophole: i'm not doing a ritual or inviting the gods into my home