can i justify?

so... there are some things i want to buy... like... a phantom of the opera ipod case.... phantom of the opera keychain.... and Avril Lavigne's 5th CD which came out in 2013.... THAT I DON'T HAVE.

i have the other 4....

ugh.

and its only $8!!!!

uuuugh.

its the cheapest out of the three things.

but.

i just paid $95 dollars to join the national scholars society.

and i still have to have health insurance taken out. with gas.

so i have...

331
 health insurance is 139

thats 192.

- 50 for gas

142.

-40 for helping out around the house.

102.
- 20 for food money at work.

thats 82.

so....i have 82 dollars.....


yyyeeeeeaahhhhhhh i'm gonna splurge. i'm bad.

here i am stressing about money and i'm about to splurge on amazon.

so i'm getting:

- poison princess (the book that went missing :( )
-avril lavigne CD
-dead of winter (book 3 that came out....)


its gonna cost 25$...... everything included.

damn.

uuuugh..


i'll have the panic attack later. i'm going to hit the "place your order button" before i can talk myself out of it.

its done.

money spent.

so. officaly i will have 331 - 25 = 306 - 139 = 167.... when i get to the 167 (should go through on the 5th) then i'll have my regretful self-loathing party and panic attack.

then i'll promise not to blow so much money until the next wave of "oh gosh i have to have it" hits me.


but notice!

i didn't buy the phantom of the opera stuff.
not did i buy the "gay pride and prejudice" i'm dieing to have.

along with so many other books i'm dieing to have.

i showed some restraint.

A fever you can't sweat out pt 2

So fever was 101 this morning. At work I took 2 ibuprofen and about an hour into my shift I thought I was going to faint. But by 11:30 I felt alright, not all better but now like I was dieing. 

Got home and my temp was 97.6 :)

But I was exhausted and my stomach hurt so I went to sleep.

3 hours later.... In covered in sweat and feel feverish so I take my temp. 102.4

So I take 2 aspirin and when mom gets home I take 3 Tylonol. And then soak in a cool bath for an hour. My temp went back to 101.

Now my stomach hurts again. I tried eating but it didn't help. Feels like I'm being punched in the stomach from the inside over and over again.

And I'm sweating again. 😪😩😷

A fever you can't sweat out

So I woke up at 4;45 this morning after going to bed at like... 12. Wide awake... I couldn't fall back asleep because my body was too hot and the air was too cold. Even though I didn't have the fan on.

I eventually fell back asleep until 7 when I got ready and went to give a tennis lesson. I had to end that short because I was dizzy. REALLY dizzy. I came home not even 10 minutes and was passed out on my bed.

It was like I was drugged. My head was so heavy and it was like my eyes were the center of the weight, I could feel them in the back of my skull.

I slept for at least 3 hours. Everytime I woke up I was drenched in sweat.

I got up and in the shower, and I was fine for about 2 hours. Hot but fine. 

Then I felt the heavy druggedness again.

Mom called and I meantioned how I was feeling. She told me take my temp... 99.9.

That's after I had some cool tea and ice to drink about 15 minutes before.

Ugh. I can feel the heat radiating from my eyes and the base of my skull.

hannibal season 3 episode 3

lady shrink..... i like you. so classy. so smart.

hannibal is emotionally shaken by will's "forgiveness"


WILL IS AT CASTLE LECTER!!!!!??

hmmm info on lecter's mind palace...

who is the new asian lady? wait... O_O IS THAT HIS AUNT? no...shes too young...

thats a lot of salt hanni...

BUT IT CAME OUT BEAUTIFUL

ooh...thats the rude italian guy...yeah...de's gonna die. soon.

"served during their last dinner" eh. lady shrink's face. she knows.

that.was unexpected...... ugh. hannibal..lady shrink is right.....

you're being reckless.

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK IS BAAAAAAAAAAACK

aw....."not my house not my fire..i'm here for will grahm" good ol' jack.

that fountain scene with all the fireflies...makes me think of a fairy tale.

mischa...

will. you dumbass. you're gonna end up shot.

oh dear.what do we have here?
"i wouldn't do this to an animal"...i like her.

i love the opera music in this one. beautiful <3


i wouldn't mind him playing with my hair...that looks pleasant!

that was ballsy. "how did your sister taste?" *slowly slides into the water....* DAMN.

Will let him go? i thought he'd actually kill him.

WHAT!!???? THE GUY CAME BACK TO KILL SEXY ASIAN!? NO.
she will kill him. Will made that happen...heh. there has been a change in you young padawan...

girl. it was self defense...but willl's murder.


oh shit will. hannibal WOULD be proud of that.

"i have to eat him"


this will be interesting.

About damn time!

Ugh. I finally started....

But, as per usual...

The cramps got so bad at work by the end of my shift I actually curled up in a ball behind a register. 

Thankfully I got to go home early, change into some sweat pants, and veg on the couch. 

I have also discovered... I don't have a usual 28 day cycle .

Mine is 32 days. That's why my period tracker keeps saying in days late. 

Lol when I changed it from 28 to 32 it predicted when I started (today)  and was on POINT. 

Ugh... And I'm supposed to go to the beach on Wednesday....

And there have been shark attacks...

Ima be stuck to Corie like glue ._.

Feelings for Corie

Let me clarify something about last night's post: I do have some feelings for Corie. 

I like her as more than a friend. I'm just not head over heels. If I felt nothing toward her at all I wouldn't be with her.

I miss her when I don't see her for a while, like when she went to Pittsburg. 

I'm not totally cold toward her. 

I genuinely enjoy being with her.

When I say I'm not emotionally invested I just mean that I'm not in a puppy dog, googoo stage. I'm not head over heels. I'm not "😍 " all Corie all the time. 

I like hanging out with her

I like talking to her

I like just being around her.

But there are things that interphere:

-lack of chemistry with my mom/family

-the other girl that she is wildly in love with....

- I feel like Corie genuinely likes me. But at the same time she is just saying me because I'm here and to pass time.

And I'm fine with that. But that's why I can't get emotionally attached.

corie as of now (be careful what you wish for)

as of right now his is how i see my relationship with corie.


we are dating.
we are not married nor have we talked about commitment.


she is showing signs of emotional investment....

talking about taking me to texas,
wanting me to meet her mom
wanting me to meet her best friends in pittsburg


where as.... although i'm not ashamed of corie... i have no burning desire to introduce her to all of my friends...mainly because personalities wouldn't mix.
i wasn't eager to introduce her to my mom....SHE wanted to meet my mom (who although doesn't dislike her...doesn't particularly like her. shes neutral... doesn't feel any particular way)
i'll call corie my girlfriend but i'm not gushing about her all the time nor do i want to shout it from the roof tops.


iif i had to label how the relationship feels from my perspective... it would be more along the lines of a friends with benifits.


i'm drawn to Corie because she is intrgueing and msterious. She promises (not literally) adventure and new knowledge. She is playful and exciting.

and fun.

thats all this is to me. fun.

its nothing serious to me.
but i'm worried she may want it to be?

she is worried that she'll end up being used.

am i using her? i'm not intending to.

i'm learning things from her. in different areas.
i'm having fun with her.
we have intersting conversations.
whenever my labido is up the sex-stuff is good.



but its not serious for me.

i think after jake.... i'm in a transition.
and although i don't want to be alone in this time of transition i don't want to be in a serious relationship.

i don't think i can be.

i think after jake.... i can't emotionally commit.
at least not the way i use to.
it takes me a hell of a lot longer to develope feelings.

and you know what?
i'm fine with that.

i'm young.
i shouldn't be tied down right now.
i should be out having fun.


and to me thats all this is.
interesting, adventerous fun.

thats how i see corie.

i just have a feeling she wouldn't be to hapy to hear that.

but thts how it is for me.


now now now.... before you say i'm a horrible person and i'm leading her on....

i havn;t said i loved her.
we havn't talked about commitment.
we havn't talked about what we want out of the relationship...exactly.

i want to be with her. as of right now. i want to be with her because its fun.

but she really likes me. i can tell.

in a way it gives all the power to me, which is dangerous. so i will draw a line.

If she says the L word.... i'll cut this off.

i am not looking for love right now. It will find me when i'm ready.

right now? i'm just going with the flow and the flow brought me to corie. so thats where i am.


will she end up hurt? probably.
am i going to end it now? hell no.
does that make me a bad person? no. because right now we are both enjoying ourselves.

if the relationship starts to evolve i'll cross that bridge when we get there.

i'm enjoying myself....

i have spent all this time up till now trying to please others.

now its my turn. I'm letting faerie Lisa have her time.

and you know what? thats what corie wants. She wants me to embrace my faerie side... so she asked for this.

does she realy know what she asked for? no. have i tried to explain it to her? yes. it only intrigued her more...

so before you go and say i'm suing her and its bad.... i think she may be doing the same thing... only unlike me, her emotions are at play.


i'm having fun and i will continue to have fun until i get to that line i drew.  till then? go with the flow.

I' doing what corie wants.... i'm letting the faerie out.