Goddesses

So the two goddesses that possessed me on Sunday:


- Naginidevi:
Psychologically, Nagas symbolize spiritual seekers. Magickally, they come to the aid of other beings, who are sincere seekers, helping them discover the hidden treasures of the spirit. Nagas will help keep sincere beings on their spiritual path. - protector of women and benevolent until offended. Seen as goddess of fertility and protector of family and marriage. Found at fresh water. 



- Xochiquetzal

was a goddess associated with concepts of fertility, beauty, and female sexual power, serving as a protector of young mothers and a patron of pregnancy, childbirth, and the crafts practised by women such as weaving and embroidery. In pre-Hispanic Maya culture, a similar figure is Goddess I. - kidnapped by Aztec god of war whom was often made blood sacrifices, which may be why she wanted or expected blood as an offering. 

- last night I got visited by Bast. She needs no explanation. 

Goddess

So Sunday I did shrooms. It was life changing.

If I know one thing, it’s that yes - shamanism is my thing.

During my trip I had visions of the core of magic. Saw ancient symbols as glowing blue glyphs behind my eyes. I became raw energy. My soul left my body at least 3 times, if Jimmie hasn’t pulled me back I’m sure I would have died.

I was possessed by several animal spirits including bear (after which I wa able to be with a baby bear as he was dieing. He has been hit by a car and was scared and alone somewhere north where it was snowing and I could smell evergreen trees.) there was also snake, and fox and one other animal I’m not sure who it was.

Then there was the goddesses. The first spirit I channeled was snake, this opened me up for the Hindu/Buddhist goddess Nagini to take over my body. I was also possessed by an Aztec or Mayan goddess - and she was interesting and terrifying. Nagini was powerful and dangerous but actually had no intent to harm Jimmie - just the opposite, she wanted to keep him forever; although she might have picked up on my feelings for him. The other goddess wanted blood. Either his or mine - she didn’t care but she felt she was owed blood. I was able to take control over my body out of fear for jimmie - but she still was with me.

Jimmie, being the empath that he is took one look at her/me and asked if she wanted blood. All we could do was nod; and he pointed out that she had already been given blood - my menstrual blood. as soon as he said that she was gone.

Both goddesses left and didn't return, but they left me with a gift. Every person had divine masculine and feminine energy.... they left me with the ability to access my divine feminine energy. After they were gone, i became a goddess on my own as divine feminine energy coarsed through me. It was peaceful and euphoric and chaotic and demanding and i felt more alive than i ever had before. It was similar to the other two goddesses but it was my own energy, not the energy of another. Jimmie saw it all. He says he can't unsee it and that he still sees me in that way... and he seems truly sincere when he says it. His eyes get more green and take on an almost humbled look.

when the trip ended i was worried that i wouldn't be able to feel that way again without the aid of mushrooms, but last night in my sleep i felt the divine energy take over me and i felt like a goddess again. I felt at peace again. I felt powerful despite my human body. the feeling lasted for hours before fading just before i had to get up for the day.


I would also like to point out that i have not had a single suicidal thought nor felt the desire to die since sunday. I actually have a desire to live. its a new feeling.

Group night

td group night tonight... which means cuddles and feel good times... and gusss who’s out?

Me, fae.

I hope the percentages change and lean in Lisa favor because I’m not feeling warm, cozy, and cuddly.
And I’m not in the mood to fake anything. I’m feeling blunt  and honest.

Ayla has only heard about me being frisky. Poly girl doesn’t know me and of Lisa has her way she won’t.  I’m not in the mood for any of this.

Who do you think told Lisa to go hermit?

Gods above let the percentages shift.
But if I’m out then that means I’m needed.

I am not pleased nor am I in the mood to please.
I’m in the mood to be feared and appeased.

I’m on the hunt. Beware.

Hermit week itinerary

• Cats - flea treatment ASAP, cut nails
• Research - faery shamanism, GRE, Grad schools 
• Self care - eat in and eat balanced, mask, baths, vitamins, remove claws, meditate, get tested
• Reflect - blog, readings, make decisions 
• Reconnect - go for walks in nature center, Amy, writing, meditation 
• Catch up - pay for the rest of the cruise, school work I’ve missed

The hermit

The hermit card: Just like with the Strength card, you may even more so be in the frame of mind that you need some time alone - don't be afraid to take it. Even if it's just a five minute walk around the house so that you can clear your head. This is also very much a card about "trying very hard to do the right thing." Just make sure that "doing the right thing" includes doing what is right for you personally, and not just worrying about the wants and needs of others.

It’s time for me to be the hermit. I need some alone time to really process what is going on, how I’m feeling, where I’m going.... I need time to reflect. 

And yes. I’m being a coward at the same time. I’m fighting my instincts which are telling me that yes, this is going to hurt me and out of self preservation I need to run. Run fast and far.

But I’m not going to do that. 

I’m going to take some time for myself, by myself, and reflect. I’m going to research and delve into spirituality for a time.

Starting Monday then hermit begins. 

Goddamn it.

I keep ducking up.

So I’ve been in a shit mood since Jimmie and I have driven back to Greenville after visiting his family. And bless his heart, he put up with it.

My brain really doesn’t make sense. I was upset over a single ducking word.

He’s been talking to this girl Kate. Which I’m okay with for the most part. He asked if I minded if he has a fling with her, and I took that as just sex. A friend, with benefits so to speak. Fine.

But then in the car he was talking about waiting and putting off having a relationship with her until things with me and Ayla are solid and settled.

I got jealous over the word relationship. Because to me that involves emotions and it made me jealous. And not my usual cold jealous which manifests as anxiety, I got hot jealous which manifested as me getting mad.

And he could tell. The con of dating an empath is it’s almost impossible to hide something from them. So of coarse he asked what was up.

Then I had this whole arguement in my brain about Wether to tell him or not, except both voices in my head sounded the same. One said to tell him and the other said there was no point since he literally just said he WASNT going to have a relationship with her (...yet) and that I was getting jealous over nothing. I don’t know which voice was mine and which wa fae but I ended up not talking And just feeling like crap.

And he could tell. But it’s just insecure girl brain. And the second voice was right.

I had a slight inclination to talk to Ayla about it but she’s asleep and I don’t think it would have done any good.

Truth is I’m a coward and don’t want to admit to having a problem because of coarse I’m going to be the one to fuck everything up.

The most important thing in any relationship, especially a poly one, is communication.


And I suck at it.

And of coarse I know I’m being irrational. Which I why I didn’t want to say anything. So I blog about it and then ignore it or bury it. Like the proper self destructive person that I am.

And when I think about it, I don’t get jealous of Ayla because I’m dating her too. Ayla has other partners but from what I gather they are almost purely sexual. And I don’t get jealous over Ayla because I haven’t had the chance to get as emotionally attached to her the way I have with Jimmie.


What if I can’t do the open poly? I’m going to fuck everything up.

Goddamit. Every time.

juggler

i'm bad at juggling.... i keep dropping balls and i need to at least see what balls i have,

1. school - classes, planning for grad school maybe. idk. 
2. work 1 - foodlion
3. work 2 - bistro 
4. social life - both partners, steadily shrinking friend group
5. self care - eating, sleeping, taking my meds, showering, etc
6. responsibilities - bills, cats, taxes, etc.
7. spirituality - my inner circle,readings, meditation, gods, looking into shamanism. (more on that last one in future blog posts)

i can tell you right now that both 2 and 3 aren't bringing in enough money for 5 and 6. 

the balls ive been dropping the most?

5 and 7.i'm not taking care of myself physically, mentally, or spiritually. 6 too, the cats need flea treatments; poor things are getting eaten up. I’ve been neglecting them and I feel bad. 

gods above i need more hands.

I think I might need to be a hermit for a week or so.