so fae was in a really bad mood the other day.... so yesterday i was able to FINALLY coax her into talking to me. Essentially... its brooks.
As i explained it on the support page: a friend we were very close to hurt me really badly (emotionally) and while i am ready to try and be friends again (hes like my big brother) fae does not. She sees him as a threat now and refuses to let the bridge mend. So when i'm feeling emotions of missing him or we are interacting and i get happy --> she gets pissed off and frustrated. To her i'm a sheep and hes a wolf and we can't be friends. Yet she can only do little to interfere. so her protective instinct is going haywire and she hates that i'm not listening to her.
that is why she threw a tantrum the other day which pretty much drove me crazy. I was feeling positive emotions about brooks.
and boy when i got her out yesterday did she run with it. Had full conversation with amy and even reached out to jimmie like a little traitor.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Friday, January 26, 2018
a poem... Bipolar + DID
people laugh and joke like it doesn't matter
that people in pain get sadder and sadder,
and i know in my heart that i don't matter
- no one matters.
I remind muself this as i hold a knife
to my throat, to my wrist, to my thigh
as i cry
- CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?
then a voice in my head came softly and clearly:
"I can hear you, you're not alone.
you don't have to do this all on your own.
Take a deep breath, put down the blade;
you know good and well these feelings will fade"
I do as i'm told,
wish this voice was a hand i could hold;
and this will not have been the last time
that she stopps me from comitting this crime.
Like when i gave up and walked infront of a car
- she was there to slap me ajar
and got me to the other side.
I've had her a while and it kills me to hide
this person inside me that the world would shun.
But shes been my friend since this had begun.
Well now it open and life is good,
her voice is quiet - but should
life get violent, strog like a sword
her presence will shield me and take me forward.
that people in pain get sadder and sadder,
and i know in my heart that i don't matter
- no one matters.
I remind muself this as i hold a knife
to my throat, to my wrist, to my thigh
as i cry
- CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?
then a voice in my head came softly and clearly:
"I can hear you, you're not alone.
you don't have to do this all on your own.
Take a deep breath, put down the blade;
you know good and well these feelings will fade"
I do as i'm told,
wish this voice was a hand i could hold;
and this will not have been the last time
that she stopps me from comitting this crime.
Like when i gave up and walked infront of a car
- she was there to slap me ajar
and got me to the other side.
I've had her a while and it kills me to hide
this person inside me that the world would shun.
But shes been my friend since this had begun.
Well now it open and life is good,
her voice is quiet - but should
life get violent, strog like a sword
her presence will shield me and take me forward.
Thursday, January 25, 2018
good sign
so.... i don't have the best track record with relationships.
on average...
6 months (jake... both times added together)
2 months (karl)
2?3? months (katie)
2 months (Maude/Mary)
3 months (staci)
5?6? moths (Corie)
2 months (Lauren)
so....
3.4.
my relationships last an average of 3.4 months.
February will be monh 3 for me an jimmie and i guess i've been subconsciously nervous about it.
hell.... racheal didn't even want to like jimmie and get attatched to him because she figured he wouldnt be around long.
she does like him by the way.
but....
tonight Jimmie said something about possibly giving me a key to his apartment.
thats a good sign.
thats a very good sign.
jeeze kid relax. <-- sg?????
i do need to relax.
its going to be alright. --> yeah thats SG. holy hell.
hello love <3
I take it this means that you've okay-ed this? this is approved?
approved. Missed you.
I love you
well. that was my primary spirit guide. who i havn't heard from...... in.....
at least September of 2016.
THATS A PRETTY FUCKING GOOD SIGN.
on average...
6 months (jake... both times added together)
2 months (karl)
2?3? months (katie)
2 months (Maude/Mary)
3 months (staci)
5?6? moths (Corie)
2 months (Lauren)
so....
3.4.
my relationships last an average of 3.4 months.
February will be monh 3 for me an jimmie and i guess i've been subconsciously nervous about it.
hell.... racheal didn't even want to like jimmie and get attatched to him because she figured he wouldnt be around long.
she does like him by the way.
but....
tonight Jimmie said something about possibly giving me a key to his apartment.
thats a good sign.
thats a very good sign.
jeeze kid relax. <-- sg?????
i do need to relax.
its going to be alright. --> yeah thats SG. holy hell.
hello love <3
I take it this means that you've okay-ed this? this is approved?
approved. Missed you.
I love you
well. that was my primary spirit guide. who i havn't heard from...... in.....
at least September of 2016.
THATS A PRETTY FUCKING GOOD SIGN.
nightmares
so latley ive been having bad dreams,,, and i don't know why.
im alwas stressed about money, but that aside i havn't been stressed or upset.
aside from the low key anxiety about getting pregnant... but i'm going to have that until i get my copper IUD. (oh yeah...idk if i forgot to tell you but my bipolar meds make all but 1 form of birth control null and void.... thanks bipolar....)
this last one was kinda bad though.
there was a girl in the dream that had just met the day before. that night i dreampt about her and in the dream i was her, and we were having a vision of her death. the next day jimmie and i went walking (it was snowy and pretty) and we ended up finding her body. She was up on a stalk (or maybe a cross... i can't remember) with her eyes removed.
this was at a nature center where a rare type of bird came every year to lay iys eggs and raise its young during the winter.
I noticed that one of the birds in the nest was a fake.... it was a clue left by the killer.
**mind you at this part i am still reeling from the girl's fear as she saw he own death happen and knew it was coming***
so i go home and start blogging about how sad it was that those rare baby birds would probably die since the nest had been corrupted with human scent.
as i was blogging, Jimmie told me good bye and went to work or to run an errand or something. Almost as soon as he was gone, Bigus (who apparently had been in the room with me) made a move on me, knowing i wasn't interested and i was engaged to jimmie **in the dream guy**
he began holding my arms down and kissing the back of my neck as i sat at my computer desk and i felt the feeling of fear take over my body. i grew cold as my blood turned to ice and my stomach felt sick. It was the same weak feeling i had with corie. Within milliseconds my brain was reaching out to disassociate, to get away from what was about to happen...
only unlike with corie fae didn't reach back. instead i was alone. and trapped.
jimmie woke me up in that moment of realization, asking me what time it was.
the feelings still lingered, only made fresh and almost triggered flashbacks, so all i could do was curl up and cry as he held me. Mind you i was trying to keep myself together. If jimmie hadn't been there i probably would have had a panic attack.
*****
so lets intemperate?
Psychic vision - To dream that you are psychic represents your intuition and the sensitive side of your personality.
psycic dream (seeing the killer) - suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
murder - To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.
winter - To dream of winter signifies ill-health, depression, and misfortune. The dream may be analogous to how you are feeling - emotionally cold and frigid. Alternatively, winter is a time of reflection and spiritual introspection
baby birds dying - To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind.
rape - To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates you feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
* alternativly since rape is one of my biggest fears...
rape - To dream that you worse fears are coming true signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.
how the heck do i interpenetrate that?
im alwas stressed about money, but that aside i havn't been stressed or upset.
aside from the low key anxiety about getting pregnant... but i'm going to have that until i get my copper IUD. (oh yeah...idk if i forgot to tell you but my bipolar meds make all but 1 form of birth control null and void.... thanks bipolar....)
this last one was kinda bad though.
there was a girl in the dream that had just met the day before. that night i dreampt about her and in the dream i was her, and we were having a vision of her death. the next day jimmie and i went walking (it was snowy and pretty) and we ended up finding her body. She was up on a stalk (or maybe a cross... i can't remember) with her eyes removed.
this was at a nature center where a rare type of bird came every year to lay iys eggs and raise its young during the winter.
I noticed that one of the birds in the nest was a fake.... it was a clue left by the killer.
**mind you at this part i am still reeling from the girl's fear as she saw he own death happen and knew it was coming***
so i go home and start blogging about how sad it was that those rare baby birds would probably die since the nest had been corrupted with human scent.
as i was blogging, Jimmie told me good bye and went to work or to run an errand or something. Almost as soon as he was gone, Bigus (who apparently had been in the room with me) made a move on me, knowing i wasn't interested and i was engaged to jimmie **in the dream guy**
he began holding my arms down and kissing the back of my neck as i sat at my computer desk and i felt the feeling of fear take over my body. i grew cold as my blood turned to ice and my stomach felt sick. It was the same weak feeling i had with corie. Within milliseconds my brain was reaching out to disassociate, to get away from what was about to happen...
only unlike with corie fae didn't reach back. instead i was alone. and trapped.
jimmie woke me up in that moment of realization, asking me what time it was.
the feelings still lingered, only made fresh and almost triggered flashbacks, so all i could do was curl up and cry as he held me. Mind you i was trying to keep myself together. If jimmie hadn't been there i probably would have had a panic attack.
*****
so lets intemperate?
Psychic vision - To dream that you are psychic represents your intuition and the sensitive side of your personality.
psycic dream (seeing the killer) - suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
murder - To dream that you witness a murder indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.
winter - To dream of winter signifies ill-health, depression, and misfortune. The dream may be analogous to how you are feeling - emotionally cold and frigid. Alternatively, winter is a time of reflection and spiritual introspection
baby birds dying - To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind.
rape - To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates you feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
* alternativly since rape is one of my biggest fears...
rape - To dream that you worse fears are coming true signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.
how the heck do i interpenetrate that?
support
so... i have very supportive friends.
Amy and the witchy crew.
Jimmie.
My mom, although we don't talk about it.
Brooks...more or less...
he really was the one who made me feel invalid.
although after that talk between the two of us he got better about it.
then he and i had the falling out.
then i went over there, and out of nowhere fiona came out.
we were all going to talk, but it never happened.
she really hasn't said much since.
well.. brooks is the only person i really know that has DID. and since mine was different from him (if i even really haad it, because at the time i didn't know co-conscious was a thing) i fet like i couldn't talk to him about it anymore.
well i...
i joined an online support group.
and with every post i read and comment on... i'm fnding i relate to a lot of them.
i even had someone message me and tell me they related to something i posted and wanted to start conversing.
this..is..nice.
Amy and the witchy crew.
Jimmie.
My mom, although we don't talk about it.
Brooks...more or less...
he really was the one who made me feel invalid.
although after that talk between the two of us he got better about it.
then he and i had the falling out.
then i went over there, and out of nowhere fiona came out.
we were all going to talk, but it never happened.
she really hasn't said much since.
well.. brooks is the only person i really know that has DID. and since mine was different from him (if i even really haad it, because at the time i didn't know co-conscious was a thing) i fet like i couldn't talk to him about it anymore.
well i...
i joined an online support group.
and with every post i read and comment on... i'm fnding i relate to a lot of them.
i even had someone message me and tell me they related to something i posted and wanted to start conversing.
this..is..nice.
Monday, January 22, 2018
valid
i have been validated.
so the lady therapist i saw a few times did actually write down in her notes that i have DID. i told her i felt like i couldn't say i am because i don't lose time and she goes through periods of dormancy. but i've done some research...
i'm not the only one who goes through DID like this. It isn't uncommon for alter's to go dormant. So that fact that life is relativly good nowand fae has gone quiet isn't unusual.
i have what is called "co - consciousness DID". i'm not the only one. and i have found a blog (link here: ) that explains it very well. to those of you who know me, know the percentage and front seat/back-seat/driving-passenger seat analogies that i use? i'm not the only one.
i'm not the only one.
i'm not alone.
i feel validated.
so the lady therapist i saw a few times did actually write down in her notes that i have DID. i told her i felt like i couldn't say i am because i don't lose time and she goes through periods of dormancy. but i've done some research...
i'm not the only one who goes through DID like this. It isn't uncommon for alter's to go dormant. So that fact that life is relativly good nowand fae has gone quiet isn't unusual.
i have what is called "co - consciousness DID". i'm not the only one. and i have found a blog (link here: ) that explains it very well. to those of you who know me, know the percentage and front seat/back-seat/driving-passenger seat analogies that i use? i'm not the only one.
i'm not the only one.
i'm not alone.
i feel validated.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Rant - communication
So this has been circling my head for a few days now. Ayla and I had a conversation and she made the comment that everything between the three of us fell apart from lack of communication.
That’s not true.
Lack of communication is the only reason it lasted as long as it did. Which wasn’t long.
Let’s get something clear - after finally saying out loud to Jimmie that I wasn’t okay, I was going to tell Ayla.... but then the incident happened and everything got expedited. One thing is clear though - there was no hope and no possible way thing could have worked out. The moment the words first left my lips was the moment the nail went into the coffin.
Communication (or lack of) didn’t kill the relationship. My jealousy did.
Even if I had communicated with them earlier (as soon as I realized it wasn’t going to work) there wouldn’t have been a way to fix anything.
I postponed the end as best I could but there is absolutely no mistake - it was going to end.
Communication couldn’t have saved it.
That’s not true.
Lack of communication is the only reason it lasted as long as it did. Which wasn’t long.
Let’s get something clear - after finally saying out loud to Jimmie that I wasn’t okay, I was going to tell Ayla.... but then the incident happened and everything got expedited. One thing is clear though - there was no hope and no possible way thing could have worked out. The moment the words first left my lips was the moment the nail went into the coffin.
Communication (or lack of) didn’t kill the relationship. My jealousy did.
Even if I had communicated with them earlier (as soon as I realized it wasn’t going to work) there wouldn’t have been a way to fix anything.
I postponed the end as best I could but there is absolutely no mistake - it was going to end.
Communication couldn’t have saved it.
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