cursed?

My brain keeps going back to a recent convo i had with maggie. She had been mad at me (i had suspected but wasn't sure) but she wasn't mad anymore - the main reason being that she had confided in me and  i had confided the information in defense of another person. Drama ensued and she got dragged into it.

so, rightfully so, she was mad at me. But she pulled me outside one night to tell me about it (i had no idea any of it had happened) and explained to me that she wasn't mad at me anymore. It mostly boiled down to the fact that she knew my heart was in a good place, that i had meant no harm, and that i was just simply naive.

But one thing that came out of the conversation is that she worries that because of my naivete, I would constantly be hurt - that i love and trust other more than they ever would me. When i told her that i always knew that i love others more than they would ever love me she looked sincerely upset and said "thats sad".

its the truth though.
I've always said it.

I can never fully believe that others love me the way that i love them. Because most of the time? they don't.

Everyone leaves eventually. I can't think of one close friend, or best friend for that matter, that i have been able to hold onto for more than 5 years. (aside from jake. that lasted 7 years... but now we are 100% strangers so....)

the maximum average is 3 years. People will stay in my life for maybe 3 years before they're gone.

I use to say that the good times with others was worth the pain that came when they left my life. I fully believed that. It made me feel better about being naive and allowing myself to love completely.

but then at times like this all the pain resurfaces all at once.


When i say that i love someone and they say it back I pretend to believe them - even though i know they don't mean it.

Then they leave.
People swear that they won't leave.
Everyone leaves.

as maggie put it, i am so naive i open myself up to pain because i love everyone more than they love me, but I can't turn it off without ceasing to be myself.

why is it that no one can love me? honestly really love me.
unconditionally the way that i love them?
Why do i let myself delude myself into believing people when they say they love me?
I think "maybe this time is different." but its not. it never is.

I miss all of them. I still have a few people. But I'd give it maybe another year or so before they go too.

why can't i actually be loved?
Why do i love them so much that i cant let them go? I wish i could.

why do i let hope make me pretend not to notice how hollow the words "i love you" are?
 Why does it feel like i'm cursed?

bland

life feels.... kind of bland.

Since i no longer have a day job, i stay up super late and sleep all day. get up, eat, get about an hour, maybe 2, of house work (packing and cleaning for the move) and go to work. Work till 11, come home and spend an hour or two with jimmie before he has to go to bd.... either stay up and watch netflix with diana or go home...

repeat.

I'm glad jimmie is happy with his new job. I am. It is so easy to see how much happier he is.

but i miss him. and if this is just a taste of how its going to be? it sucks. cuddles on the couch for an hour or two. then bed.  If im lucky, i get to see him on his lunch break.

Maybe i;m just emotional since im going to start my cycle soon. but it makes me sad. I already miss spending the day with him; running errands, watching shows, just... being with him. And yes, eventually that will fade and i will get use to just seeing him for a few hours a day. I just got spoiled i guess.

but i know myself. it mans that  i am going to start isolating myself so that i stop missing him. It also means bottling up anything going wrong because i don't want to ruin the time that i do get to spend with him.

bury things and isolation.

maybe im just being pessimistic.
i don't know.


I do know that everything is fading to a dull grey. I'm losing motivation to do anything. im bored, i miss my boyfriend, and life seems bland.

Movin up

So I live out of my apartment in 8 days.

Move into my new one in 11.

Also I got made bartender at the restaurant; and I finally quit Foodlion.


Movin up in the world.

Cook out

We had the work cook out today.

Me, Jimmie, Amy, brooks, mike and Alex all in one place... everyone being civil - and dare I say friendly?

It made me really nostalgic. Reminded me just how much I miss them all. My heart was pretty much in my stomach the entire night.

I wish we lived in an ideal world. I miss my former friends.
I miss them all.

New beginnings and fights

I don’t have anyone to talk to so once again I’m using this blog as a one sided conversation/rant.

So it’s official. We signed the lease Monday.
I’m feeling relaxed, I don’t have to stress about finding a place. I’m not stressed about money because I have my share of everything.

Or so I thought.


I haven’t seen Jimmie very much because he’s been busy with studying for certification tests. So I ask him to come over and cuddle. We get talking and he tells me that I’m paying my pet deposit completely.

Now normally this wouldn’t upset me except that he assured me that I wouldn’t when we first talked about getting a place together.  He said that he and Cory didn’t see it as a “we each pay our respective parts” (me with the whole pet fee, him having all of his 495$ deposit transfer) but rather just the whole sum and divided by 3.

Now he’s gone back on that. He and Cory don’t feel Comfortable paying the pet deposit. And then he argues that in a way he has because of his deposit transferring. Whole sum divided by 3 my ass.

I’m not mad about the money although it would have been a hell of a lot nicer to know as soon as things had changed so I could change my spending habits accordingly. It’s not the money. I’ve done the math. I should be good even with the increase.

No I’m mad that he lied about how things would get split. Granted we did have to pay less of a deposit because of his transferring. But we already planned for that. Or rather I was going to pay mine and his share if it didn’t transfer and he was going to pay my first months rent. Either way the deposit was going to get covered and used in all of our favor.

So we’re done arguing. I’m facing the wall he’s on his phone beside me on the bed. I’m still mad but I still miss him and want cuddles. I tell him so. He actually turns me down. “How about pets?” And then pets my head in what feels like  condescension. When I shrug his hand off we just stay in silence for what feels like forever.

I’m waiting for him to just fucking leave because I asked him over for cuddles. He refused. No need for him  to be there if all he was going to do was keep me up and play on his phone - I can’t go to sleep until he leaves because I have to lock the door behind him. He can play on his phone to who knows when at home. Im waiting, I can’t bring myself to actually tell him to go because I fucking miss him. I’m now counting down how much sleep I can possibly get, sit up to set an alarm, and Smokey jumps off of him. This spurs him to leave and  I try to go to bed. Angry thoughts circling in my brain and no one to talk through them with. So I’m blogging.

Maybe now I can get some fucking sleep.

Not likely.

pantheon

So i feel like my pantheon is starting to work itself out.

Some people like to follow the archetypes.... some examples:

Goddess Of Springtime/Harvest
God Of The Sea
Grain God/dess
God Of War or Battle
God/dess Of Love
Dark Goddess
God/dess Of The Hunt
God Of The Underworld
Father God
King Of The Gods
Solar Deities
Crone Goddess
Earth Mother
Mother Goddess
Lunar Deities


Others go by elements

Earth
Air
Fire
Water
Light/sun
Darkness/moon
Magic/Spirit/Soul

My pantheon:

Gia/Mother Earth: Mother Goddess
Cernunnos/Horned God: father God, God of the Hunt, god of death/comforter of death
Bast: Protection, Solar, Fire, Warrior **Patron Goddess**
Demeter: mother goddess goddess of harvest and abundance, earth
Thoth: God of writing, education, creative energy, air
Queen Mab/Maeve: Faerie Queen goddess, magic, dark goddess, earth,
Venus/Aphrodite ( dependong on what i need help with): love, self esteem, relationships, water
Psyche: goddess of the soul



Gods i'm looking to research and possibly add:
Epona: Goddess of Horses, Travelers & Dreams, bringer of dreams and nighhtmares
Anubis
Hel: goddess of one of norse's many underworlds, those sent to her are the ones who die from sickness or old age to live in comfort - supposedly if i were to die because of my bipolar, it is with her that i would spend my R&R time.

official!

i will officially be getting a 3 bedroom with jimmie and cory.


top available right now:

1. Wyndham
1. http://www.pinnaclepropertymanagement.com/listing.php?id=72#!prettyPhoto
2. when available? how much is pet fee?
2. Tilley - 1205 Forbes st - 750 and ceiling fans
3. Tilley - 115 A-B Stancil - 825 and hardwood floors
4. Mead st - 700 in rent and hardwood floors
1. call: (252) 814-8326
2. https://www.trulia.com/p/nc/greenville/address-not-disclosed-greenville-nc-27858--2172334755
5. Shereton Villiage - Russel
1. 700$
2. by the big walmart

THIS EXCLUDES ALL WAINWRIGHT because they aren't guaranteed to be available