I don't understand.

I have accepted that my romantic relationship with Jimmie is over.

I know that the future is uncertain and that there is always the possibility that years from now he and i may come together again. I'm hopeful but i'm not going to hold my breath.

and that kills me. to give up.

but ive accepted it.

I know he apologized for what he said and that he told me that I am enough. That i was a good partner. If it was genuine or not, i am unsure, but i hope it was.

He wants to be alone and work on himself...

but thats what i don't understand.

I don't understand what about our relationship prevented him from doing laundry regularly. What prevented him from playing on the computer and working on his hobbies. What prevented him from going to the gym. What prevented him from growing.... If i was smothering him why did he never say anything?

I told him over and over that I didn't mind giving him space, he just never actually asked for it and said when he wanted alone time.

I know its not for me to understand. Its his journey and his growth. I don't want to hinder that and he says staying with me will do that.

But i would be lying if i said i understood it.

I get enjoying alone time. I love to be alone for a bit. It allows one to relax and decompress. But ive always seen relationships for the grounds in which to grow. A relationship is a tool. It heped me grow.. but i guess everyone needs different methods.

it just hurts.

It came when i finally let my guard down. When i finally trusted 100%. I had literally stopped looking at one bedroom apartments a week prior. I finally felt i no longer needed a back up plan.

I'm so glad I decided to wait to closer to his graduation to buy the ring. I would have felt like such a fool if i had started to make the payments any sooner. Saved myself the money and humiliation.

We would have been together for 4 years by the time i asked him. But I was so sure.

I was a fool.

And i honestly don't know how i could love someone the same way i loved him.

I don't understand how to fully let go. I liked him for so long, and then i loved him, then i was in love with him.

I don't understand how to move backwards. The only thing i understand is how to bury the emotions. completely. Then one day they are just... gone.

I don't understand how he can be around me and not hurt the way that i do.
I don't understand why it couldn't work.
I don't understand him and how he feels.

I don't understand what went wrong and when.

I do understand how important it is to know yourself. Love yourself. be able to be by yourself.
I can do all those things. I prefer the company of others but i am fine with my own... Just not when i'm hurting. I should understand the hurt. I've felt a lot of it in the past year and a half.

I do understand not feeling adequate. I do understand the desire not have each other disappear from each others lives.

I don't understand how i am suppose to be around him; how am i supposed to act? how am i suppose to feel? How much am i allowed to reveal how i'm feeling?

I don't understand how to actually heal from this.
I don't understand how to be in the life of someone I wanted to spend my life with and watch him be with other people.


I have never been in this situation before.
I don't understand how to be just friends after what we had.

catch up cards

so... I did a reading sunday 5/26/19 and is was Isa; and she spoke about my eating habits again, and said that i needed to break unhealthy eating habits that i had developed as a coping mechanism.... pretty much: STOP STARVING YOURSELF.

so as far as health goes:
- stop starving yourself
- try to eat as healthy as you can, watch what you put into your body
- limit processed sugar intake
- start taking vitamins
- start eating more herbs/using more herbal teas and essential oils for healing



I did not do one monday.

Today I got 3

Atheling: take everything one step at a time, wear responsibilities lightly, be gracious.

*I think she popped up to tell me they aren't mad about what i did yesterday.

The green man: new energy is coming towards and through me. Shape it. Focus on what i want to manifest in my life.

Shapeshifter: don't limit myself to what i think is comfortable. I am capable of a lot more than i believe and I should branch out and explore. "Be ready to change. now is the time to explore what once frightened you and what will become one of your greatest adventures yet"


^^^^ I want to know more about that one. I think I will use my shadowscape cards because something feels non-physical about it. I will also ask my physical deck as well.


shadowscape:
queen of swords - honesty, seeing clearly/clear perception, discarding past cocoons and delving deep to find the true face to wear and show the world --> this restates the oracle card pretty much...

king of cups - let the currents of life flow through your veins to cleanse the heart of its burdens.

knight of pents - stay steadfast in goals and do not become distracted?

4 cups/3 cups/wheel of fortune/king swords - do not become lost in your inter reflection, the outside world has much to offer/ develop community, celebrate, and be with friends/ cycles, a turning point, fate/ balance of light and dark, steadfast in morality, a leader?

the lovers R - determining values and struggling with choices.... a contrast in who i was and who i will be?


Fenestra:

 2 pents: disorganized, out of balance
3 wands R: preoccupation, rejection
Ace Swrods R: Distraction, Obstacles, Opposition
8 wands R: Crossroads, progress, beginnings
Magician: self confidence, action
9 Swords: anxiety, guilt, regret, despair
Chariot R: energies divided
10 Swords: end of a cycle

^^ i feel like thats the whole break up with jimmie described right there.

4 Swords R/9 Pents R: Upheaval and opportunity/ Financial Loss

^ ouch. which makes sense... I won't have a boyfriend taking me on dates and splitting meals and all that. i'll be on my own financially.

5/25/19 oracle card

So I actually got two today

The wizard - 15
This card is one of recognition that I am embracing myself and my spirituality. It basically gives a Kudos and says to keep it up. I no longer fear rejection from friends and family about who I am.  I give off a healing aura and am moving forward!

The hedgewitch - 5

It’s time to start eating healthier and watching what I put into my body. Time to eat more greens and herbs especially... use oils and herbs for healing. (Yay... funny tasting teas!) time to grow my oil collection I guess!

Transforming suffering chapter 1 reflection

okay so the first chapter of the book was on how without suffering there cannot be happiness, and without happiness there cannot be suffering. They are transient and in constant states of change. You can find both happiness and suffering in the same moment. It then proceeded to talk about the first step of “suffering well” which is mindfulness. Being in the moment.


I was happy with Jimmie, which is why it hurts that our relationship is over.
Except it’s not. Love doesn’t go away. Love, like all energy can change, but not disappear.

I still love Jimmie and our relationship isn’t over, it’s just changed. We are no longer romantic partners, and the love needs time to change.

That change is painful and causes suffering. The only person who really understands the pain is Jimmie himself, because he must go through a similar change. It makes sense to seek comfort with the person who understands that pain, even if doing so is painful in itself. Happiness and suffering together in the same act.

So how does one cope with the suffering? Mindfulness. As the oracle card said, one thing at a time with focus. Mindfulness is focusing on the present moment and only the present moment.

When I start to hurt and mourn the changing relationship I have with Jimmie, I need to just focus on that exact moment. Why does it hurt in that moment? I am with my dear friend. We are comforting one another, and finding comfort in each others presence.  Do not think of the past, because it is gone. Our romantic relationship is gone. Do not think of the future, there is no point in wondering or hoping for another romantic relationship together - we cannot control the future, not can we know for certain what will come. There is only the present and at the present both Jimmie and I are going through a change.

And we can seek comfort with one another.

I will make it through the pain of transitioning by focusing on one moment at a time.

5/24/19 oracle

“And this is your message - find a way to slow down the demands of your life, create boundaries, cease feeling so obligated to sacrifice your needs to the others who are simply noisier and more entitled. For this moment, breathe and still yourself, and then carefully move forward, focusing on one thing at a time, giving each task your absolute attention.”

There of course is more, such as learning to say no to people graciously and to wear responsibilities lightly, but I think that covers the lesson for today. 

Just like Mr. Caird tells me all the time, so one thing at a time and you will get through it all. 

I’ve been getting cards telling me to heal and focus on healing and accepting what’s happened... but I didn’t know how. 

This was helpful. A simple message today. 

acceptance.

Did some readings.

This is the one that made me cry the other day, when i did a reading on Jimmie and myself:

"Ragnarok:
There must be an ending, and it must come soon. You have stood between the forces of destruction for some time, believing that yo hold on and to maintain what is seeking to end as been the strong and right thing to do. But when this card comes, it is Ragnarok - the end of the world. And while this card can speak of earth changes and cataclysms that begin with the sea and the land ad the sky, it is more truly about the end of one time in your life. Because a cycle is nearing not only completion, it must end in order for the new beginning which awaits you to be given the space it needs to enter, and flourish.

Everything has its time. Every tree must fall. Please know that you are either weak, nor are you a failure for letting this ending happen. Holding on us taking up all your energy and draining you, when the finality you are hoping to avoid will actually bring you renewal, truth, and a raw primal moment when you become your own true self again.  Cease exhausting yourself by holding on to what is already over. You cannot stop what seems to be destruction. But you can ready yourself to face what must be faced, to go through the hard time that will soon come, but which will bring you so much richness, and so many opportunities. Let go, friend, and cease your quiet suffering. Howl, lift the sky with your cries of pain, but then sleep, and know you will return with a spirit daring, strong, and reborn."

it was so true I couldn't help but cry. I've felt the end coming and have just been denying it to myself. I purposefully ignored it and blinded myself to my intuition and I shouldn't have done that.

Then today the cards said to accept what has happened, focus on healing, and that this was meant to happen and will help me grow as a person.

I no longer have nay anger.
I just keep bouncing between intense sorrow and acceptance.
Soon hopefully I will stop bouncing and just linger in acceptance.

When that happens I can be around him and bot feel any pain.

He is and as far as i am concerned at this time, will remain my friend.

Routine

I’m going to start a daily routine.

Wake up at 9-10 at the latest.
 Let’s say 10.

10- wake up.
10:15 - meditate at least 5 minutes
10:30 - pull a daily oracle card. Reflect on it. Meditate on it. (I do this via blogging, so basically pull a fed and write about it)

12 - Read from “No mud, No Lotus: a guide to transforming suffering”
Blog and reflect on what was read.
OR
Go for a walk.

Maybe both on some days.


My old oracle deck said I needed to developer a sacred place. My new Oracle is called “the faery forest” and is a place full of spiritual beings who only wish to listen and support me.

It’s time I got back into my religion and spirituality. It’s always been a comfort to me. It’s always been a place of inspiration to me.

We are going to do this.