New Decade, New Me.

i'm going to start this new decade off right.

This has been a very hard year for me. I've gone through many changes and went through the growing pains. Now We are at the cusp and i'm feeling reflective.

i went from a job that i loved but was toxic to a job that is a little less than stimulating but is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from a relationship that i loved but was toxic to a time of self appreciation and independence, to a new relationship that is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from being confident to self conscious and i'm hoping that soon my self image will once again be healthy and stable.

I went from blaming myself for all the pain i've endured to realizing that i hold on to a lot of trauma, and i'm working through it in a way that is safe and healthy and stable.

I went from unstable ideas bouncing around as to what I wanted to do in life and school... to having a set plan of action and new avenues for career development opening up for when I graduate. (Aaron's grand dad can help me get a job in tourism in Wilmington or i'll either be a hotel event coordinator or a meeting coordinator)

Once cycle of life - one with love but with so much pain and discomfort - is ending and i pray that the new one is full of love, safety, health, and stability.

I've been getting signs that i am going to struggle with my physical health, but, that this year is going to be one that is a respite. The last 2-4 years has been emotional roller coaster after rollercoaster, with small breaths of ease between them. This year will be a start to a new cycle.
i'm starting it with a new day to day but optimistic mentality, a new loving relationship, a new stable job, a new sense of maturity, and hopefully soon a new wave of spirituality. I'm ready to continue this new pattern of discovery and growth.


I hope i grow more healthy, more stable, more in love with life, more in love with my new partner, and more in love with myself.

Not enough

I honestly...
I don't know if i am ever going to get over being told i'm not enough. too much to deal with and not enough to satisfy.

 i second guess almost everything with Viking Boy because i fear that he's going to find that i'm too much to deal with... so its almost like i act up to make it happen sooner rather than later.
I sleep with him even when i'm not in the mood or don't really want to because i'm worried he's going to decide i'm not enough to satisfy him.

The absolute confidence I had grown and developed over a year.... utterly destroyed 4 words.
too much.
not enough.

I secretly believe those words because hearing them has always been an insecurity. I don't know how to get them out of my head. They make me feel undeserving.

Just when I think i'm starting to grow a bit stronger, my self esteem wants to try to climb a step higher... those words slap against me like a whip and i just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

I never felt like I was enough.... then I finally did... I felt loved, and supported, and encouraged.... only to have it end with too much and not enough.

not enough.

I wasn't enough for the man I thought I would spend my life with. How can I be sure I'll be enough for VB? How can I be sure that he's not going to get fed up and say i'm too much to handle, not worth the effort because i'm not enough to satisfy him.

I hate those words.

Not enough.

not right

Somethings not right.

I know for a fact that i blocked corie on all social media a year or two ago.

I also know that she and I were dating during the summer... because my sister hung out with us at the pool....

we dated for like... 5 months...

the "incident" happened at the end of our relationship... I wrote an angry blog about it. I wrote several angry blogs about that time in my life....

I don't remember deleting them.
I remember re-reading them right before i blocked her.

I remember being angry about her saying i didn't trust her as a means to guilt me into letting her do things i didn't like or want.

I remember writing down what happened in the incident in extreme detail, enraged.

....

none of that is there.
I can't find any of the angry posts.
I can't find hardly ANY posts from that time in my life. at all. theres like... maybe 5 of them? but theres no missing gaps in the dates of posts which would suggest posts had been deleted...


theres a post when we started dating on 6/11/15
theres a post less than a month later of the "incident" but its submissive and sad on 7/4/15
then theres a post about our break up 9/28/15


where is everything? Nothing is as I remember it.
Unless there was a second incident closer to the break up?

because it happened. then a week later we broke up.

but the blog suggests there was 2 months in between...  most of which i don't remember and then the one thing i do remember i thought happened before the incident....

nothing is right.
the timeline is all wrong and confused in my head.

I'm freaking out.

family

so Viking boy has children... a young son and a young niece.

I've gotten to meet them and the rest of his family and honestly... they're all wonderful. 

I really like his mom, she reminds me of mine. 

Still harbor a lot of fear about moving forward but as Queen Mab said... go into the unknown and manifest what i want. I really hope things last with him.. maybe its safe to love his family... maybe its not. 

I miss Jimmie's family so much. His grandma and his aunt.... I thought that they would be my family. I miss them so much. I miss them so much. Losing him also meant losing them. 

Do i dare get attached to VB's family? his kids? Granted none of them live in-state other than his grandparents... and they are just adorable.  So much fear... so much potential loss again. But i've been happy.  And boy oh boy these kids are cute... but goes to show I'm not ready to be a mom yet. I already don't have the energy. 

i'm going back tonight to spend christmas eve with them all, and tomorrow VB and the kiddos are coming with me to my mom's for presents and snacks. 

12/16 Sometimes things just work out

I'm trying to ease up on the fear....

I was talking to my mom and my friend Matthew and they both pretty much said the same thing. 

my mom said that she has known a couple where the guy fell for and knew the girl was the one for him as soon as he met her. She couldn't give him the time of day for YEARS. They've been married for like... 20 years now. 

"theres no right or wrong timing". this made me feel a bit better, because while i feel like VB is sincere the fact that he met me TWICE and knew he wanted me to be his person blew my mind and didn't seem possible. mom says it is. 

Matthew was listening to a list of my fears and why i'm scared and looked me dead in the face ans "sometimes things just work out... you should let it".

So i am going to try. 

ice and iron - 12/20/19

Around my heart I have a Wall

Its made of ice and iron.

I long to open the doors to the hall

and let others freely walk in. 

I want to let the doors fall

and the fire to  burn,

but the ice only grows tall,

Around my heart I have a Wall.

I pretend I do not need anyone at all

Silence is safe, I have learned.

I surround myself within a ball,

its made of ice and iron. 

They say time is the best way to thaw

but what would melt something to stern

all alone i didn't bawl,

around my heart i have a wall

Someone of great strength could stand to haul

A ray of light to upturn

the bridge of fear that makes me stall;

its made of ice and iron. 

Please have patience, I long to call

to the ones who would seem not to turn

I whisper that maybe love can last above all,

Around my Heart I have a wall

its made of ice and iron. 

what if?

what if i replace all the negative "what ifs" with positives?

what if it helps?

what if VB is sincere about how patient he is and he isn't giving me lip service?

what it he doesn't have a major personality flaw that is detrimental to my safety?

what if he really did just have a sense of "knowing" and believes that i am the one for him?

what if his wanting "forever" isn't possessive, just hopeful?

what if he doesn't pull a 180 and leave me blind sighted?
what if he stays open minded about life?
what if i do actually start to feel a connection?

what if he doesn't hurt me?

what if he stays this light heart-ted and adoring?
what if he is really that sweet, not manipulative?

what if he doesn't randomly decide he doesn't want me anymore?

what if he doesn't get tired of me?

what if he doesn't think i'm draining and a problem?

what if he thinks i am enough?
what if i really fall in love?

what if he doesn't hurt me?

what....if he doesn't hurt me?