today

today started out on such a high note....

never tempt fate.


Found out that I have to pay May's rent for both apartments... Adam is going to take all the furnture out of the bedroom and use it, meaning rennovations can be completed. Renovations to the room should be finished by the end of May, meaning I have to find a subleaser who is willing to put up with roaches for dirt cheap rent for two months.

Or i can pay out the rest of the lease which is $315 a month, $945 in total.

life is comint for my pocketbook right now i swear.


on a good note..

i found out Dillion sisn't kill himself.

he ODed. it was either heroine or coke.

the reason there was so much blood was that he was there for 4 days.



4 days.


fuck.

but at least it wasn't suicide.
it relieves a little of the guilt Ive been feeling.


accidental death.

good day

Today is going to be a good day.

its walpurgis, which is the holiday directly across from samhain... another day where the veil pretty much disappears between worlds. I think i'm gonna do a 21 card spread with my faerie oracle to touch base. ive been wanting to do this but keep putting it off. 

But I also woke up in a really good mood. I got up on time. I showered. I put on some lingerie under my clothes to get a more empowered feeling. I did my make up.

I look good. 

I smell good.

I feel good.

Today will be a good day. 

Teaching - job thinking

okay so..... i'm considering becoming a teacher after i get my degree...


the way I see it I have a few options...

• find a job that involves social sustainability like a non profit
• find a job that involves environmental sustainability like a non profit or organization
• find a job in hospiality or tourism (not really feeling that too much....)
• open my own business
• be a teacher...

hear me out. 

being a teacher would actually be a socially sustainability job. People are a resource and if i can get them while they are young i can teach them about sustainability, the environment, culture, etc. 

Enriching the minds of future generations and emparting on them the importance of sustainability (environmental, social, and economic..... because the other 2 are just as important) is a very real part of actually participating in sustainability.

plus i love children.

and the program to get the liscence is a single class over 5 semesters, something that i can do while i am teaching. 

but honeslty bruh i just don't even know what i'm going to do.

I could be a country club manager. 

Country club event planner.

I could still try to be a event planner, community outreach associate, etc. for a conservation organization. 

I have no idea. 

Somthing like this sounds right up my ally.

https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=ca219c29ec43726e&tk=1e7162hm20ggl001&from=serp&vjs=3

https://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=event%20%2435%2C000&l=Raleigh%2C%20North%20Carolina&jt=fulltime&vjk=4a83594e8408a0f2

Community Advocate basically. 

Diet Recipies

Diet Sweets... limited sugar! if it calls for white sugar... leave it out. might add a scootch of brown sugar.

Dinner

• Slow Cooked Lemon Chx
• add rosemary
• more garlic
• potatoes
• instead of just lemon juice, add a lemon, thinly sliced
• optional add cherry tomatoes
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/slow-cooked-lemon-chicken/
• Bean, Kale, and Egg Stew
• https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchen/bean-kale-and-egg-stew-3362360
• Spinach and bocoli enchiladas
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/spinach-n-broccoli-enchiladas/
• Parmesean Chx couscous (i use to make this all the time without a recipe so why not try an actual recipe?)
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/parmesan-chicken-couscous/
• minus the walnuts.... add shredded carrots for crunch
• Egg Roll Noodle Bowl
• use ground turkey instead of pork
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/egg-roll-noodle-bowl/
• slow cooked carribbean roast
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/slow-cooked-caribbean-pot-roast/
• Caprese Chicken 
• serve with cesar salad?
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/caprese-chicken/
• Asparagus Ham Dinner
• https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/asparagus-ham-dinner/

Dessert

• Chocolate Mouse/Pudding:
• 1 ripe avocado
• 1 ripe banana
• 4 tbsp cacao
• 3 tbsp coconut oil
• 100ml almond milk
• Blend, place into small pots, or glasses, set in fridge and top with raspberries.
• Mocha Chocolate Cip Cookies
• use regular milk
• add 1/4 cup cocoa powder
• use milk chocolate chunks for sweetness
• leave out coconut sugar
• https://amyshealthybaking.com/blog/2017/06/08/healthy-coffee-chocolate-chip-cookies/

FOR WALPURGIS

mom gave me some thin baking sheets to make a thin layered cake... its means to have like 10 layers and be small but tall. She gave me vanilla cake.... kind of makes me think.... strawberries and cream?

so i'll make the vanilla cake with a whipped cream icing and fresh strawberries between each vanilla layer. I am excited. 

Jimmie Dreams Again

Why the fuck am I dreaming about Jimmie again?


I had 2 this morning.

One where I'm driving a different car than my current one and out of nowhere all 4 tires are flat. I get out, look at them, call work and get told i might be fired for yet another thing causing me to miss work, and get back in the car to be out of the road. Lo and behold the back seat goes down and out crawls jimmie and his friend corie.... who had been living in my car. yes. living in my car. I was flabbergasted.


Into dream #2 which did not happen consecutively to the first.

I was sleeping on the couch when someone sits me up and takes my pants down... I go along with it because i think maybe dalton is wanting to be frisky. when I feel a member down there trying to get in I open my eyes.... and see Jimmie. I just kind of freeze unsure if I have gone back in time or if I was dreaming. He makes it in and almost out of muscle memory I pull him closer.... but when I do I realize I'm not dreaming and this is actually happening so I push im off. I run to the bathroom saying "no no no no no no no" panicked because i knew he would tell Viking Boy I had cheated on him and ruin my relationship. I was still pondering if that second of me pulling him closer counted meant it was consensual and crying in the bathroom when I woke up from the dream.

Quiet.

So it wasn’t with a gun.

He was found in a pool of his own blood but no gun was found and no exit wound. 

Which means it was probably his wrists and Jessy just didn’t see them.

He’s still gone... but at least it wasn’t as violently.

Dillion.

Dillon....

You took your life.

I’m not sure when, but I pray it wasn’t too long before Jessy came home.
I hate the thought of you lying there all alone for long.

You must not have seen all the worried posts your brother had been making, asking where you were. Trying to find you.

I can’t bring myself to tel him.
I’m waiting for the police to, when he posts the news publicly.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend.
I’m sorry I didn’t check on you.

Where did you even get the gun?