direction

 I finally got direction for my life. More to come. 

self help homework

 Homework. 

So I need to get myself out of this rut. 

I really need to stop dwelling on how lonely I am. 

Its a loneliness that isn't satiated by platonic relationships but at the same time my problem is I don't know how to be happy single. Even when I finally hit a place where i was more or less comfortable with being single, i kept my eyes and heart open. It took over a year for me to finally let go of the loneliness - and it was more or less that I grew accustomed to it rather than it went away. 

Soi need to do some homework. 

I need to do some reading for improving myself, something to do while I sit on the couch other than watch greys anatomy. 

short and inspirational:

https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Being-Single-Fulfilled-ebook/dp/B00SEXD49O

Self development 

https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Who-You-Are-Transformation/dp/1726635139/ref=pd_vtp_1?pd_rd_w=IAYwh&pf_rd_p=6f2e6f76-fb8a-492e-b0f6-a03aecd27de3&pf_rd_r=GZSZQE86R7BBQW3AAP0E&pd_rd_r=12f1d6bf-adf4-4d71-be6f-7d96287210af&pd_rd_wg=97i2C&pd_rd_i=1726635139&psc=1

Lilith shadow work?

https://www.amazon.com/Lilith-Shadow-Work-Journal-contemplations/dp/1674923430

Amusement park

 Well I went with Viking boy to Busch gardens...

And the rides weren’t open because it was too cold. 

The whole point of the trip was to go for the rides. 

At least they gave us a free ticket back. 

And even though we didn’t get to ride any roller coasters... it was still a pleasant trip. 

I don’t regret going. But it didn’t do anything to ease the stress. 

Dependant

I am so frustrated. 

My car fucks up AGAIN and its going to be a chunk of time before everything gets fixed. 

Which means I have to do as minimal driving as possible. 

I am stuck. 

This also means that ONCE AGAIN I can't go to busch gardens, somthing I have tried to do several times over the past few years, because i am DEPENDANT ON SOMEONE ELSE. 

The whole point of me getting the damn membership was that I can go up there whenever I want, without having to wait on someone else to go with me. and here I am. unable to go... unless someone else goes with me. 

I AM SO FUCKING OVER EVERTYHING RIGHT NOW. 

Unload.

Okay so I'm just gonna unload. 

ya know why? This is my blog and i'm aloud.

and I just kinda am getting to the point that I'm so blocked up with emotion that I can't even scream. 

(hence the roller coaster date I have with myself this weekend)

Whats going on:

• Grief; I have so much COMPOUNDED grief that I can't seem to dislodge it. It's like I need emotional surgery. 
• Jimmie. 
• Change in friendships. 
• My mom moving away. 
• Viking Boy. 
• VB's kids. 
• The Pregnancy scare I had. Mourning what could have been. 
• I have SO MUCH sadness in me over everything that has happened that I feel like I am permanently crying on the inside and that is exhausting.
• Stress; 
• School (more on that in a second). 
• Worrying about Cara. 
• I'm not able to walk 2-4 times a week so now I have all that energy still in my body and that's stressing me the fuck out. 
• I'm stressed because of this goddamned pandemic and not being able to DO things. 
• Stress about relationships (more on that in a second). 
• Stressed about work - more accurately being so bored and still is stressing me out. 
• I'm stressed about my health. 
• I'm stressed about my biological baby clock ticking down. I'm 25. This is the prime age to have children and i'm nowhere near a place in my life when that is possible. 
• Relationships: 
• I'm lonely - and there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm okay with being alone. I don't mind being home and watching tv by myself. I don't mind going to the gym by myself. I don't mind going to the store alone or spending time alone... but I'm lonely. Even when I'm with my friends I feel lonely. 
• The only person who makes loneliness disappear is Viking Boy - and even that's only some of the time. Not to mention the FUCKTON of confusing emotions I have towards that man. I have so much love for him... but i'm not INLOVE with him. But i'm still jealous and want to be around him all the time. I know its like a mix of acceptance and denial all at once or something.. and I know that I'm going to be heartbroken again when he finds someone else. GREIF. 
• Being lonely drains me of energy and makes it to where I don't have the energy to hang around new people... which leads into my next issue.
• Stress about Dating; 
• I don't have the fucking energy to entertain all of these people that want to date me. I have 3 people that I owe coffee dates to; correction I don't OWE them anything but I have canceled coffee dates with them and they still want to/keep asking me about it. 
• I've canceled on Webber three times already because I don't have the energy. I don't know if he wants to date me or is wanting to hang out as a friend.... I mean I know but he hasn't explicitly said so, so i'm denying it. 
• Having conversations with people who are interested in me is exhausting on my already depleted energy. But at the same time.... i'm fucking LONELY and the only way to get past that is connect to someone. its a fucking cycle and its giving me anxiety. 
• I just want one person I can connect to on a semi-romantic level to be with me when I'm lonely. But I can't force it and if the interest isn't there right away... then it's just not. 
• but I HATE rejecting people. 
• With all of this stuff draining me of my energy and spoons... I HAVE NO MOTIVATION. 
• I have no motivation to clean my apartment - its so dirty its stressing me out but I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it. 
• I have no motivation to go to work (I do it anyway). 
• I have no motivation to eat. 
• No motivation to drink. 
• No motivation to do school work. 
• School; 
• School is stressful. 
• add on the lack of motivation to do ANYTHING and trying to stay focused to read 100+ pages of school work a week and write 3-4 papers.... stressful. 
• Not to mention... I graduated this semester. I have no real idea about what I am going to do. Where I am going to go. I crave fulfillment but I don't even know what will bring that to me. I feel like with graduation so close I have to have an answer... and i don't. its STRESSING ME OUT. 
• Emotional regulation and impulse control; With all of this going on I am finding it harder and harder to regulate my emotions. 
• My internal voice is screaming and freaking out all the time and it is a constant STRUGGLE to make sure my outward behavior and actions do not mirror that. It honestly makes me just want to drink or SOMETHING so I either 1) don't feel or think about any of it or 2) have an excuse to go a little crazy. 

Oh to add: my car needs expensive repairs. Again. AGAIN. 

and I don't know what to do about any of it. 

Loud

 

Days like today are when I describe my current state as Loud. 

I have so much stress physically held in my body that sex alone wasn't enough. I think I need to find some way for my body to truly relax... so i can cry. And i don't mean the leaky eye thing I did with Amy in the car. I mean... Screaming. Body wracking sobs. I need to cry until the stress has literally left my body through my eyes and voice. 

I've tried alcohol. Either I haven't had enough or it doesn't work the way i need it to. 

My emotions are loud. So many emotions. 

My thoughts are loud. 

I want pills. 

I want the sweet numbing of the brain. 

The drug induced relaxation that will allow my shoulders to un-tense and maybe the massive knots to release. 

The lowering of my emotional intensity. 

Calm.

Warm. 

Soft. 

Comfortable.

Thats what I want. Its what i need. 

I am struggling to stay sober. 

Instead. Partially to my determination to remain sober (and my momma didn't raise a quitter) and partially to the fact that I don't want to blow money on pills....

I'm going to find a new drug of choice. 

Adrenaline. 

My body is stressed. I need to scream. I need physical release...

how do I do that?

Roller coasters. 

I know this is a global pandemic. But for the sake of my sobriety and mental health - goddamit I need release. 

So I impulsively bought a year pass to busch gardens. 

I can go as many fucking times a year as I want. I get 10% off on food. The events they have are limited in time to 4 hours. I can literally take a day trip every weekend if I need to. 

I'll go by myself if no one else can go with me (although tickets are only $35 and I have free parking). I need to learn to be more independant anyway. Plus I have WANTED a pass for a while but was always reluctant to go by myself and so I havn't been for 3 years.

I won't wait on other people anymore. 

I am going to take care of myself. 

I am going to survive and get through everything no matter what the doctors say. 

I will go to different doctors if these ones won't try to help me. 

I will deal with the emotional stress and make up for the lack of daily long walks by walking miles at the park. 

and in the meantime?

I'm going to drink. 

I am going to write poetry. 

I am going to scream into the voice and sob in my car. 

I hate when my brain gets loud. 

Aine

 Aine. 

I remember the feeling of my body in flight...

followed by the harsh landing, wrists aching from trying to catch myself

as I realize the table corner was barely an inch from my skull. 

I remember the fear that crept in,

scared to move not knowing if in his drunken stupor he would follow me across the room he just threw me.

He wasn't even aware he had touched me. But that's no excuse. 

I remember, years prior,

to feeling the same levels of betrayal at the hands of someone who claimed to love me. 

The emotional and sexual abuse from a woman who thought she could cure my sexuality if she could just force me to cum. 

The PTSD still haunts me from the shadows. 

I remember words from them both, chasing each other around in my head like a merry go round. 

"You are too much to handle and not enough to satisfy me." He said it his eyes void of any emotion other than resentment. 

"If you loved me, you would let me do this. Why can't you trust me?" she said as she pried my legs apart. 

But then I met you. 

It was you who saw my tears and told me that no longer would I be the victim of abuse. 

It was you who led my way to the path of healing. 

It was you who helped me to see my own beauty and appreciate the body that I have been given in this life. 

It was you who helped me accept myself. 

It was you who helped me reclaim my right to sex and love and acceptance for myself exactly as I am. 

Your fire burned away their cruelty, your waters calmed my fears and hurts. 

I remember who it was that pulled me from the darkness 

and into the hands of those who would see me for who I am and tell me that I am enough. 

Those words, for once, came from my own lips. 

It was you.