oh wow its already march

 its been months. I am alive. I am ... figuring things out and in some areas taking steps forward and other areas standing still and digging to stay put. 

"life..uh.. finds a way"

So i'm just going with it bruh. 

Possible relocations - state quiz link

• New Orleans, LA (62%)
•  Pros: Creative City, CULTURE - so much food and music, pagan friendly, gay friendly, booze, southern hospitality, good weather; sense of community, constant events year round, could easily get a decent job, local shopping!! few chains, 
• Cons: Bugs, hurricanes
• Cleveland, Ohio
• Pros: STRONG neighborhood communities, culture, outdoors, constant events year round, close to roller coasters, on the great lake, 8 hour drive to mom, high walkability/public transit, famous market, so many parks <3, cheaper cost of living
• cons: THE COLD, lake effect snow, the crime (one of the most dangerous in the country), could be harder to find a job
• Miami, FL
• pros: so much culture, food and festivals year round, beaches, weather, great job market, lots of parks and outdoors activities, public transit, 
• cons: expensive, hurricanes, crime
• Boston, MA
• Pros: high walk ability and public transportation, top 13 safe cities, ethnic neighborhoods for food, DIVERSE neighborhoods, 
• Cons: THE COLD,  mild summers, never in the 90s, expensive, TRAFFIC, night life comparable to here. Really shitty landlords, hard to make friends, 
• https://embracesomeplace.com/living-in-boston-moving/

Also:

https://eclecticwitchcraft.com/the-best-place-for-a-witch-to-live-where-should-a-witch-live-in-the-united-states/

https://www.currentresults.com/Weather/top-10-us-states-with-best-weather.php

a lot of quizes have pointed at cali, florida, and hawaii. 

in depth Test results 1/9/22

https://www.selectsmart.com/states/#mystate

1.     California (100%)   i'm sure i would love but too$$   

2. Hawaii (88%)   i'm sure i would love, but too $$   

3. Florida (88%)     

4. Louisiana (88%)     

5. Maryland (87%)     

6. Massachusetts (85%)   same temperatures as Cleveland    

7. Mississippi (85%)     

8. Washington (85%)   doesnt get as cold, but cleveland gets warmer.    

9. Texas (82%)     

10. Georgia (80%)     

11. Oregon (80%)     

12. New York (79%)     

13. South Carolina (79%)     

14. Alabama (77%)

        15. Wisconsin (75%) ----> mom.

 

Test results 1/10/22

1. California (100%)     

2. Massachusetts (99%)     

3. Maryland (96%)     

4. Washington (92%)     

5. Hawaii (91%)     

6. New York (89%)     

7. Florida (88%)     

8. Connecticut (88%)     

9. Oregon (88%)     

10. New Jersey (88%)     

11. Maine (82%)     

12. Wisconsin (82%)     

13. Vermont (80%)     

14. Virginia (80%)     

15. Louisiana (80%)

City results

Seattle, WA

Tacoma, WA 

Bellevue, WA (100%)

Boston, MA

Cambridge, MA

Newton, NH (86%)

Miami, FL

Fort Lauderdale, FL

West Palm Beach,  FL (85%)

Philadelphia, PA

Camden, NJ

Wilmington, DE (80%)

Portland, OR

Vancouver, WA

 Hillsboro OR, (78%)

Washington, DC (& surrounding WV/MD)

Arlington, VA

Alexandria, VA(76%)

Forgotten/Given up Passions

 There is a short list of things i use to have a passion for that i gave up pursuing. 

• Marine Biology with a specialization in sharks/ocean conservation
• Novelist
• Editor
• English teacher/Creative writing teacher 
• Cultural anthropology/Folklore focus
• Social sustainability causes - --- social work, rehabilitation, under privileged kids, etc.

• BS Marine Biology
• MFA Creative Writing
• MA Anthropology
• MS Sociology

New year, new phase of life.

 Its a new year. 

Its a new phase of life. 

               - i've hit my quarter life crisis and it has revealed a lot. 

Its a new year.... to create a new me. 

There are aspects of myself that in all honesty... i have really let go of. 

I am a mere shell of who i use to be. 

I use to read. I use to write - fiction, poetry, essay... I use to go out into nature and would only watch TV on occasion at night. I use to be spiritual.... so so spiritual. 

I was impassioned. I was happy. I was optimistic and resourceful. I was excited. 

Now i'm just numb and empty. I go through the motions trying to be a mimic of the person i use to be. I am stuck. I'm hopeless. I am making the most money i ever have in a job that i hate. Ive been out of work for 2 weeks because ive been sick with covid and I dread going back to work. I know i need to because i need money. 

So, here what i am going to do. 

I will go on at least one walk a week. work up to once a day. 

I will write at least once a week. be it a blog, a fiction piece, or a part of my D&D world. 

I will do a reading at least once a week. 

I will do some kind of spell once a week - be it a bath or candle spell, idk. Simple as a sigil. 

I will start seriously budgeting and adding more to my savings and to reduce my debt. 

I will start actively planning for the next 5 years. At the end of this year I will have settled on a passion to pursue, a career to pursue, and a new location to move to at the end of the year. Blogs to follow up on that will follow this one. 

i'm 26. I want to actually figure out my life and get settled into it by the time i'm 30.

thats 1 year to figure out my direction and set up plans; at the beginning of year 2 I will begin implementing that change which will start with moving and either starting a new job or going back to school. then hopefully i'll have settled in by year 4/when i turn 30. 

Long time. update.

 a lot has happened over the last 4 months. Ihavnt been blogging because i have been processing it as best as i can.

I continued to see viking boy. I fund out he cheted on me with chandler of all people backwhen i saw my mom in march. I tried to forgive hm nd move past it byt within a week of us trying to work through it he was all over chandler 2.0 so i called things off with him. The next night he was posting selfies with both of them. the night after that he started bringing chandler 2.0 home. We havnt spoken. I am trying to move on. Its a lot.

I started a new job. The pay is great but the hours are very isolating. Its a very emotionally draining job and i honestly do not like it very much... but i am being groomed for a supervisor position and i do think i will like that a lot. 

I developed a crush on my boss and she had some interest in me too, but since she was my boss nothing could happen. She just recently left and now we ae allowed to hang out. But shes very hot/cold and hard to read so im not sure what the plan is or quite how to navigate moving forward. I def have a crush on her, i want to get to know her more, and i definitley am sensually attracted to her. I just don't know if she can handle my level of weird or if she is okat with going as slow as i need. I dont know how well she would do with my drag family lol or any of my kinks. I get all flustered and shy around her - like a little school girl. 

on the other hand Ashley is back. Miss We-meet-up-once -a-year-and-flirt-for-a-month-and-dont-speak-for-another-year but has actually startd hanging around more, we've hung out a few times . She actually just let go of her ex too and is in a similar boat to me as far as emotions go. I thought it was just friendly at first but now i'm not sure? I am definitely comfortable and familiar with her and i know she would get along with my drag family. 

One i have a huge crush on. The other i am very comfortable with. Both are in a weird place that i don't know how to navigate and frankly i am not rushing to pursue anything. I am happy to be around both of them. When…. Let’s call her the carpenter/former boss says jump, i say how high? but i think thats because she is so new to me. I feel like she is out f my league and i guess i am worried she will realize that im too weird or broken and lose interest? which on one hand is good because it saves time but on the other is  disappointing. I dont have that fear with ashley but at the same time my heart doesn't beat like crazy around her and i don't get the butterflies the way i do with the carpenter.  

Carpenter is like riding a roller coaster for the first time and ashley is like slipping into a heated pool/hottub. both have their perks and are enjoyable. but im not sure how to proceed in either direction.

lets see... i moved. i am now in a 2 bedroom apartment. I am really on the fence about if i want to find a rooomate or not. Lexi lives nt even 5 minutes down the road from me, and my old boss justin lives within 5 minutes as well, so i am not nearly as alone. 

i'm debating getting a dog, but i also dont want to stress smokey out. 

I miss brightness. (daltons dog that i have known since she was born).

I miss him. i hate that i do.. but i do. I know that its a line that can never be crossed again. But i also miss the friend i hd in him, even if he was kind of a shtty one sometimes. Most of my fiends have been at one time or another.

i have decided that i am going to try to get back into writing. I'll write up the races and cultures and back ground info for my world. Might even try to make it a website. Then when this dnd campaign is finally done i'll run it how it was supposed to have been ran. 

once i a back in the practice and habit of writing i will try to go back to school. Now whether thats for a BA in communications and a minor in lit or a MFA in creative writing..... idk. but i think i will reignite the idea of being a developmental editor. 

Family

 Family

Last night I dreamed about Family. 

I dreamed that I went out to Christies with Dalton, and when I looked out on the patio I saw my families sitting at tables next to each other.  My drag Family was at one table but I noticed that Jimmie was sitting at the corner and I felt uncomfortable. A little sad that I couldn't go sit with them. 

at the other table, for some reason everyone was in town; Momma, Otis, Racheal were sitting together. I was super excited and about to grab the door to come out when cara arrived and I stopped. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and knew that if I went out there and sat with them that she and I would end up fighting. She had also taken up the last free chair at the table. 

Sad and deflated I took a seat at the bar and watched my families laugh and joke from afar. Dalton sat beside me, telling me to go out there anyway and not to let anyone stop me, but I didn't want to cause fights. If I wasn't going to fight for my place in the family, then I needed to start one of my own.

I woke up reflecting on this. 

Now I'm not saying it means starting a family in the sense of having children. I know I'm not ready for that. And I have started a family... or rather joined one through the drag troupe. I don't know... I guess I'm feeling alienated from both families. I feel a bit alienated with the drag family since i'm the only burlesque dancer and not a  drag performer. I worry that they don't see me as one of them, despite the assurances they give. My drag auntie did reach out to me and say congratulations for being a booked performer now, so that was nice though. I love Twixie <3

I really want to talk to my mom but she's been super busy.. and part of me wonders if she is mad at me for finally cutting off cara. Which would be a bit hypocritical but understandable from a mother's perspective. That could just be paranoia though... I don't know how Cara may have twisted things. She's very good at playing the victim. Maybe it's just the distance... with momma and Racheal being so far away. I don't know. I miss my family. 

With Aaron and Cecilia gone and Amy back in school and about to start her own family... I feel like she is about to get pregnant soon... My original witchy family has sort of fallen/drifted apart. 

I don't really know what to do. 

change

 Okay so...

I went on 3 dates with Princess and even casually I don't think we are compatible enough to keep seeing each other on a romantic basis. She's cute and sweet but there just isn't enough in common. SoI need to figure out how to communicate that. 

Jo (another person I've been on a date/hangout with a few times, has a lot more incommon with me. I don't feel any kind of spark but i do feel really comfortable with her, so I might see her once a week depending....

on my new job! 

That's right folks. I'm starting a new job. 

A few weeks ago I was put on notice for mistakes I had been making (and being blamed for) and for being off task - which is ironic because for the most part I rarely have a task to be on. Well I panicked. I applied to and inquired about over 30 jobs and they have started reaching back out to me. 

I was given an offer in a sales call center; with base pay + commission I will be making 15+ an hour overall, after 60 days I qualify for benefits including health insurance and PTO. I will have a varied schedule of any day of the week ranging from 8am-12am (with 2 15min breaks AND an hour lunch), which is nice, their dress code doesn't seem to prohibit colored hair and is a casual dress code (any leisure/lounge wear must have a tunic length shirt to cover the rump)  AND... the kicker... after a few weeks they want me to apply to be a supervisor. which means a higher base pay on top of commissions. 

The company culture there is AMAZING. people seem GENUINELY happy there, everyone had a smile on their face, and they are especially inclusive and welcoming to the queer community. 

I feel super guilty about leaving my coworkers... I'll really miss some of them. But I'm also super excited about this change.